After breakfast, Josh helped William into the car. Chris jumped into the back and they drove off, cruising around Newcastle, revisiting old childhood haunts. They took their time, savouring past memories, or perhaps, delaying their next destination. Finally, Natalie drew up in front of the old, pink, weatherboard house where she’d grown up. Chris leapt out of the car and ran up the garden path into the open arms of his grandmother. Gwyn wasn’t far behind. When they reached the car, Natalie gave each of her parents an obligatory hug before introducing William. They said a polite ‘hello’.
Gwyn turned to Natalie, “Your mother’s been up since dawn watching out the front window for you.”
“Sorry, we’re a bit late, Dad.”
“We’ve got the barbeque all packed so we’d better be heading off if we’re to have lunch at a reasonable hour.”
“I want to go with Grandma,” said Chris.
“Of course you can,” replied Gwyn.
Natalie drove behind her parents to a secluded, bushy spot overlooking a beach. Gwyn commenced cooking the meat on his gas barbeque while Natalie assisted William out of the car into his chair. They joined Delyth at the picnic table, now covered with a bright, chequered tablecloth. Chris was already regaling his grandparents with the story of the fish-hook. “Look how big my bandage is.” He proudly showed them his thumb. “I didn’t cry a bit. Mum was asleep on a chair the whole time.” Thanks, Chris. They already think I’m a useless mother.
Natalie settled into conversation with Delyth as they prepared the salad together. Chris crouched on the ground, making loud engine noises as he pushed his match-box cars around the dusty circuit he’d made, with William looking on from his chair. The aroma of cooking onion filled the air, bringing back childhood memories. They seemed an age ago. Things were so different now. There’d be no carefree afternoon walk through the bush this time, with William confined to his chair. Of course, her father hadn’t considered going somewhere that was wheelchair accessible.
When they’d eaten the steak and sausages Delyth brought out an iced chocolate sponge cake, as well as a batch of Welsh cakes.
“What are these then?” asked William.
“Mum’s famous Welsh cakes. They’re cooked on a griddle. Try one.”
William took one and bit into it. “Very nice!”
That brought a smile to Delyth’s face. Chris and Natalie were more interested in indulging in the chocolate cake.
The afternoon drifted by in a relaxed way with the usual conversation about family and friends of her parents. “Karen’s doing well for herself in Melbourne. Her husband’s got a promotion to manager of a big company,” said Gwyn.
“That’s good news.”
As they were packing up, Chris asked if he could stay the night with his grandparents. “Of course you can stay with us, mate. Hop in the car,” said Gwyn.
What can I say? “OK, I’ll be over to pick him up tomorrow.”
That evening, William hit upon an idea to avoid the usual sleep trauma. Yes, Josh could acquire some ‘pot’ without any difficulty. After dinner the three of them retired to the seclusion of the cosy, little flat. Natalie, uncertain what to expect, sat down beside William on the couch. Josh ambled over to the record player. Instead of the upbeat music she’d expected from this scruffy, long-haired youth, the gentle tones of a nostalgic love song floated through the room. She cuddled up to her special man. Josh pulled the old armchair closer and sat down to prepare the bong. Natalie watched, intrigued, as he cut a hole in an empty juice bottle, which he partly filled with water. He placed a stem with a bowl at the end into the hole he’d made and filled the bowl with cannabis. Natalie watched, mesmerised, as he put his mouth over the top of the bottle and lit the cannabis. Bubbles floated up through the water and the bottle filled with smoke. Josh inhaled deeply and relaxed into his chair, his eyes half closed a serene expression on his face. He passed the bong and lighter to William. “Your turn, Unc.” William followed his example, before passing the bong to Natalie. She looked at it, uncertain what to do. Josh leaned forward with the lighter. “It’s just like inhaling a cigarette. Breathe it right down into your lungs and hold it there as long as you can. It won’t work otherwise.” Natalie tried but it didn’t seem to have any effect. I’m obviously not doing it right but it doesn’t matter. It’s pleasant just being here. The conversation was light-hearted and intermittent as they listened to the soothing music and passed the bong around. Josh giggled. “Never expected to see you stoned, Unc.” William just smiled, a twinkle in his eye.
Smoke wafted around the room, the fragrance of marijuana wrapping itself around them in a comforting way. Natalie looked at the old furniture, which drew her back to bygone days. She was transported to another time when life was carefree. Peace flowed through her veins and her muscles relaxed. As she surrendered herself to the effects of the drug, her inhibitions dropped. She caressed William, kissing him gently and then more passionately. She’s never felt such intense desire. Hardly able to contain herself, she implored Josh, “Put him to bed will you?” They piled the pillows up and William sat in bed, naked, except for the gold cross he always wore around his neck. Josh took his leave.
Their love-making was passionate. Then, Natalie felt her mood change. She looked at their naked bodies. We’re just two animals fucking. Who’s this person I’m with? I don’t know him. She pulled away in disgust and lay alone on her side of the bed. The emptiness of it all hurt. She squirrelled back to William for comfort, gradually feeling the return of the familiar warmth of their shared love. With relief, she snuggled closer, resting her head on his broad chest. For once, they both had a calm night, without William even needing to be turned, and woke up next morning feeling refreshed.
“Bring me my Bible will you, darl.”
They took turns reading it aloud. Natalie felt her whole being move onto a deeper plane, the words taking on profound meaning. The Spirit of God entered her. William reached out to hold the gold nugget that hung around her neck, “I’ll have this made into a cross and I’ll link our names across it as an expression of our love.” An unspoken pledge was made to travel a spiritual path together. Hopefully, with God’s help, I’ll be able to cope with William’s disability.
William asked her to remove the cross from his neck and put it around her own. “I’m giving you three things to protect you, just like the trilogy.” He gave her his cross, his Bible and Andicap.
“But what will you have to give you strength if you give me everything?”
“The knowledge you have those things. I’m giving you everything I have because I know you’re the woman I prayed for all my life.”
Natalie looked up at the mantelpiece. The rose was in full bloom. “It’ll soon be a dead gift.”
“Only in a material way. The spirit of this rose will live in our hearts. We’ll never forget how it blossomed and grew in beauty over this holiday.”
Heaviness hung over her as Natalie packed their things in preparation for the drive back to Sydney and return to their separate lives. They collected Chris and headed down the highway. While she concentrated on the road, William and Chris played ‘I Spy’. Chris leant forward and reached his hand out to William. “Will you be my dad? I think you’d be a good dad.”William looked across at Natalie, who smiled back.
“I’ll do my best, little mate.”
So this is what a loving family feels like.
When they reached Sydney, she took William back to his sister’s house. There, he cheerfully told the family about their holiday. He winked at Natalie but on this occasion, she didn’t return the wink. He quietly took her into the kitchen where they could be alone. She climbed onto his knee and cuddled close, her eyes filling with tears. She looked up to see that William’s were the same. They gently kissed good-bye.
Chapter 39
William was sitting with Natalie in her office one afternoon when he pulled a small gift-wrapped box out of his pocket and gave it to her. She opened it carefully to disco
ver that, as promised, William had had her nugget made into a cross. Both their names were engraved on one side and a bird and Chris’s initials were on the other. Natalie turned it back and forth, studying it pensively. It should feel precious but it doesn’t seem right to combine romance with the religion in this way.
William smiled at her. “You are the dove, sharing peace and love with the two men in your life.”
Away from their little retreat in Newcastle, she wasn’t even sure about Christianity any more, but there was no longer space for her to work through her own ideas. William seemed to have taken over her life. He turned up at her house whenever it suited him. At first, he stayed over one night during the week, as well as weekends. Then it was two. Things were easier for him now with the collapsible electric chair and a timber ramp a neighbour had made. But the frequent nights of broken sleep and the aches and pains from dragging him around were telling on her. She was short-tempered with Chris and tired and irritable at work. At times, she was consumed by guilt and worry about being caught out. Their intense closeness was stifling. With William, she perceived the world through his eyes, becoming as limited as him in what she could do. As she increasingly felt the need to mould herself to meet his expectations, her resentment smouldered. They were breathing too much in each other’s space, suffocating one another.
I need time to myself to recuperate but how do I tell William without offending him? One Friday evening she pleaded fatigue as a reason for time to herself. William’s reaction confirmed her misgivings. “It’s because I’m disabled you don’t want me. I’m only half a man. I always knew you were no different from any other bloody woman. It’s obvious you’re on the look-out for an able-bodied man. I’ve seen the way you look at my mate at the club. I don’t trust him either.”
There was absolutely nothing in it, but no amount of reasoning would change his view. Regardless, she was determined to have an early night and catch up on some sleep, refusing to join him at the club. The following afternoon he rang. “Natalie I’m in hospital.”
“What’s happened?”
“Last night when I went to the club, my mate wasn’t there. I was sure you were together. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I kept drinking to escape the thoughts but they just got worse. When I left the club I went round to his place. There was a car that looked like yours parked out the front. I knocked on the door but no one answered, which only made it worse. I roamed around the streets for hours. Lucky my battery didn’t run out. When I finally got back to Crystal Gardens, my blood pressure was high, I hyperventilated and collapsed. An ambulance brought me to hospital.”
“I’m sorry you’re unwell but this is absolutely ridiculous. I was home all night with Chris.”
“There’s no point to my life any more. No one at Crystal Gardens needs me to look after them now they’ve moved to the units. I’ve taught you all you need to know about working with disabled people. You can do it alone now. You think you’re too good for me, anyway. After all, I’m really only half a man. Don’t worry. I know I’m dying. Then everything will be easier for you.”
How am I supposed to respond to this? She was worried about him. Yet, no matter how much love she showed, it wasn’t enough to make him feel whole. It’s all too much, what with coping with the deception and now having to watch William self-destruct. Desperate for support, she rang Gayle, her supervisor, in head office and told her everything, admitting they’d been lovers for three months.
Gayle arrived at Crystal Gardens, her usual kind, supportive self, but after the normal niceties advised, “You can’t continue your relationship with William while you’re working here.”
“That means I’m going to lose my job, does it?”
“Not necessarily, but if you continue the relationship, one of you has to go. I’d rather it was William. You’re doing a good job here and the residents need you. Look how you’ve helped them through the transition. William’s not doing you any good you know.”
What a dilemma! Natalie decided to speak to William’s mum. She cared for him for years and must know him better than anyone. Natalie got the phone number from his sister and rang her. “I need some advice on how to look after William.”
“William made my life a misery with all his demands. When he talks crap, turn your back on him and leave him to his own devices until he comes to his senses. You’d be better to get out of it while you can. At least, cool it for a while.”
Everyone’s saying the same thing. It’s not what I want to hear. They don’t understand our love. I can’t turn my back on him.
That left the decision as to who would leave Crystal Gardens. William begged, “Don’t take Crystal Gardens away from me.” Natalie knew she couldn’t. His need for care was far greater than any concerns of hers. Yet, tearing herself away wasn’t going to be easy. Her life had become so enmeshed with the residents it was hard to imagine anything else.
William was devastated Natalie would soon be leaving and furious with those at head office who’d given her the ultimatum. “They’ve only been able to change funding arrangements for Crystal Gardens because of information we provided about what was happening here. They’ve betrayed us. Now you’re being cast out like all the other redundant staff.”
Natalie had her own view. She knew it was inappropriate for her to have a relationship with a client. Yet, when it boiled down to it, she was being forced to leave Crystal Gardens because of their love. How can our love be so wrong when it was the very essence of our caring that sustained residents through all their traumas?
When Natalie announced she was leaving, she was dismayed to discover residents withdrew from her, denying the special bond she’d thought existed between them. She reflected on her time there and her struggle to bring meaning into their lives. Despite all their bizarre behaviour, she’d grown to love them. These people lived, not from their heads, but from their hearts. They’d opened their true selves to her, sharing real feelings. So much loneliness and misery you’d rarely find in one place. The war at Crystal Gardens had not between the staff and the residents. It was a war with death and its great, ugly hand that hung over the place, ready to descend at any moment to pluck away one of those who belonged there, leaving the rest feeling helpless and distraught. The soul of Crystal Gardens was within those who lived and worked there.
Initially, Natalie felt a wave of relief at leaving Crystal Gardens. She’d escaped the place, almost intact. She was free of the daily pain that typified life there and also free of the girdle of professionalism that designated how she should behave. Now I can be myself and choose what I do with my life. Later, the reality of being alone at home with her career in shreds and no prospects for the future struck like a dagger. What have I done? Worse still, what lies ahead? She turned to William, clinging to him for support. He was only too pleased to take on the male, protective role, caring for his partner and taking responsibility for his family. It was what he’d always wanted. She knew that never before had he felt so needed and never before had he cared so much.
Gradually, she adjusted to the new role. Chris was only too glad to come home instead of going to the child-minder. He especially enjoyed times when William was there. His new dad always had ideas for fun games to play. Sometimes they’d all cuddle up on the bed together, listening to John Lennon and creating shadows on the wall. Then there was the cooking. William was keen to make suggestions. Natalie put sugar in the beans and orange in the eggs to please him. Finally, she understood her mother’s love for her father, always giving him the best of everything.
As they became more attuned to one another and their confidence grew, Natalie and William tried new ventures. On one occasion they charmed the staff at the R.S.L. Club into carrying William up two flights of stairs so they could watch a John Williamson performance. They became so close they could read each other’s minds and sometimes even had the same dream simultaneously. Their love was incredibly beautiful but almost frightening in its closeness. It was as if they wer
e one and could never be whole as separate people again. When William returned to Crystal Gardens for a shower and to let Natalie catch up on some sleep, she felt as if part of her flesh were being torn away.
Then, one day, when Natalie came to collect him from Crystal Gardens, he asked her to walk to the old oak tree with him. There he gave her the most special gift of all, an engagement ring. She was stunned. This was the kind of love she’d only dreamt of.
Chapter 40
With Christmas school holidays approaching, the decision was made to have a family holiday. Accommodation with a swimming pool, suitable for disabled people, was booked at Byron Bay. It included access to personal care for William. Chris was so excited he could hardly contain himself, running about all over the place. He had clear ideas on what needed to be packed, more in the way of toys than clothes and necessities but it all got sorted out and they were soon off to Crystal Gardens to collect William. It still felt strange to turn up in broad daylight to collect him after all those weeks of strained secrecy. William was ready, waiting. He looked smart in a white short-sleeve shirt and pale blue cotton trousers. His broad smile was reassuring. It was going to be a long trip with lots of lifting and manoeuvring, especially in and out of the car.
The normal cheery atmosphere prevailed as they made their way to the first stop-off point, Fay’s place in Newcastle. It’ll be good to catch up with the family again. However, on arrival, they heard the raised voices of people arguing. No one came out to greet them. Despite knocking on the front door, nobody appeared. It had been a long drive and too hot to remain in the car. Natalie helped William into his chair and they made their way inside.
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