Veronica nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”
"A voice said to me, ‘You’re already on the other plane. It’s here now. You’ll recognise other spiritual beings in bodily form. They’ll drift into your life. You’ll be drawn to each other as if by a magnet. Though you’ll see their bodies, you’ll know their souls and feel a wonderful, loving connection. Each time you experience this, you’ll be enlarged spiritually.’
“Veronica, this is such a different kind of love from the intimacy we share with male partners. We search for a special connection that will provide mutual support in our lives but with men, we become dominated by their expectations and wishes. They direct and control our lives. The idea of a woman being there to support a man hasn’t really disappeared. We feel guilty if we don’t make them happy. As we become subjugated to men by our endeavours to please, our spirits become squashed. We become belittled by that love.”
“Yes, I do agree with you but for me, it’s so hard to give up the idea of a happy family. I feel if I could have that, I’d be socially acceptable and find happiness. The emptiness inside me would go and I’d stop feeling like an outsider. I’ve never fitted in and it’s made me lonely.”
“When we let go of the need for security, we free ourselves. We might spend more time alone, but the connection with the spiritual world and other spiritual people who drift into our lives, means we’re never really alone. It’s safe and peaceful in the fifth dimension. All we do is love and connect with each other. Nothing else matters. There’s no longer any anxiety or need to achieve. All the nonsense that makes up our normal existence fades into irrelevance as we experience the joy of the moment, connected to trees, mountains and spiritual beings in this world and the other. We’re there now. Can’t you feel it?”
“I want to but I don’t seem to be able to make the leap.”
“I see you for who you are and I love you. I don’t need to possess you or cling to you. This kind of love enriches the soul.”
“It’s wonderful to be able to share my real thoughts and feelings with you and know you understand.”
Natalie looked at her watch. “You’ve got a meeting to get to. We’d better go inside.”
Natalie sometimes joined Veronica of an evening or a weekend at various spiritual meetings. This included the Bruno Groening circle of friends. A spiritual healer from 1950’s Germany, Bruno had continued to draw together and increase his followers after his death in 1959. Small groups met on a regular basis all over the world to absorb his healing energy. As well as drawing down this special energy, time was spent each meeting reading out the success reports from healed followers. Natalie loved being in the energy, which both inspired her and gave her a wonderful feeling of peace, but the repetition of long-winded success reports soon bored her. As a chill crept into the Canberra evenings, she found she lacked the motivation to drive across town to sit in a poorly heated room on uncomfortable chairs.
The occasional letter from Delyth provided Natalie with information on Chris’s progress and his marriage to Jill. Even though she hadn’t seen him for years, it still tormented her that she hadn’t been invited to the wedding. What hurt even more, were the photos she received of their new daughter, Lucy. It was unbearable to not be able to spend time with her granddaughter.
Natalie sent a card and small gift, care of her parents, expecting nothing, but was pleasantly surprised to receive a thank you letter from Chris, accompanied by Christening photos. It was wonderful to see them but it was like rubbing salt into a wound to see the rest of the family and not be a part of it. Karen was present with her husband and two children, as were her parents.
Chapter 59
1999
Natalie was astonished to receive a letter from Chris telling her he’d moved to Canberra to undertake a Theology degree. She was even more amazed when he accepted her invitation for lunch.
I can’t believe he’s actually coming. And bringing his wife and daughter. After all this time. Natalie kept checking the phone, expecting a message to say he’d changed his mind. She knew he’d be here though. She’d seen a vision of a little girl playing on the lounge room floor. She kept hearing Chris’s voice in her head telling her off for something. Don’t be ridiculous. He’s not Dad. Her mind drifted back. I should never have stayed in Africa without him. No wonder he didn’t want to talk to me. What’s changed?
Stop this nonsense. This is the chance to start afresh. Pull yourself together. All you have to do is treat them respectfully like you would anyone else. Focus on listening and getting to know them. There’s just a possibility they might enjoy the visit.
She cut up the fruit for the fruit salad and prepared the vegetables. It wasn’t until she set the table she noticed she was one fork short. She was ducking next door to borrow one when an impressive four-wheel drive pulled up in the driveway. They’re here. She stopped, flabbergasted.
A bulky young man with an ultra-short hair-cut got out of the driver’s seat. “Howdie.”
That must be Chris. I would never have recognised him. She smiled. “Hello.” Should I give him a hug? No. He’s turned away.
An attractive, neatly dressed young woman with frizzy, auburn hair tied back into a ponytail, stepped out of the passenger side. “Hello. I’m Jill.”
Natalie smiled and went toward her but she had turned around to open the back car door.
Lucy leapt out and ran toward her, long wavy hair splaying out behind her. Natalie crouched down with open arms. The soft, warm, little body felt so good in her arms.
She must be three by now. Such a pretty, little girl with her smooth skin and light brown hair.
Natalie led them inside, got them each a drink, and gave Lucy the doll and play-doh she’d bought her. Then she nipped next door to borrow a fork.
On her return she found Lucy, sitting happily on the lounge room floor creating a farmyard out of play-doh.
“What animals have you got there, Lucy?”
“This is a cow. It’s green because it eats grass. This is a horse. It’s is yellow because it eats hay. Next, I’m going to make a pig. It will be pink, of course. All pigs are pink.”
Natalie smiled with delight before joining the others at the dining room table. Jill told Natalie how much she liked the ink sketch hanging above the dining room table and the view of the hills from the back windows. Natalie loved that sketch too and told Jill about purchasing it from a friend in Narrandera. So far so good.
She finished off cooking the sausages and chips she thought Lucy would like and served lunch. Chris explained how he’d received a cadetship from his church to undertake a Theology degree. “I’ve wanted this for so long and finally I’ve got the opportunity. I’m nervous about getting through the course though, especially Ancient Greek. My memory’s appalling. I’ve always wanted to be a minister and I don’t want to let Grandpa down.”
I’m not going to buy into what Grandpa thinks. That subject’s off limits. “I’ve got confidence you’ll manage. Look how much you’ve achieved so far.”
Despite her nervousness, Natalie managed to behave normally. Jill, fortunately, did much of the talking, mostly about Lucy, keeping everything on an even keel. The dinner wasn’t quite perfect. Lucy misbehaved once or twice. Chris got slightly annoyed with her and disagreed a tiny bit with Jill but they all managed to get through the meal without criticising each other or raking up the past.
As they were preparing to leave, Lucy grabbed Jill’s hand. “Mummy, can we come here again to visit Grandma?” Chris made an excuse about having study commitments but Natalie knew a beginning had been forged.
It was strangely quiet after they left but she felt different. I’m part of a family after all. As well as a past, I’ve got a future now. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. She’d hardly given it a second thought when she’d left Chris with his grandparents all those years ago. Only now did she realise the pain it must have caused him. But he’d returned and given her a second chance.
For the first time in
years, Natalie felt joy when she saw other people’s children, instead of the hurt and resentment of being deprived of a family. She was so happy she thought she’d never be sad again. However, when Chris reiterated he’d be too busy studying to have the time to see her until the end of term, the initial disappointment turned to a dull ache that gnawed away at her.
“What am I going to do?” she asked Veronica.
“Come to the Bruno meeting next Monday night. Sit in the energy and ask him for advice.”
On the way to the meeting, she felt a strangely vigorous and happy energy and the car radio got louder and louder with a little help from her. Natalie sensed Bruno in the car. On arrival, she sat quietly in the room soaking up the energy. Her ears began to ring and her hands and feet tingled as she left the outside world behind and immersed herself in the spiritual energy. Natalie listened to the reading about depression and anger, feeling herself getting hotter and hotter until it felt like she was burning up. The talk on the need to clear the self from past painful emotions reached into her heart. Natalie silently asked Bruno for reconnection with her family.
On Thursday she received a spiritual message from Bruno to ring Chris, asking if she could attend church with the family on Sunday. On doing so, Chris gave her the address and time of the service.
Though the family was late in arriving at the church, they sat down beside her. Lucy slipped her hand into Natalie’s and cuddled up beside her. When the children were called for Sunday school, Lucy turned to Natalie. “Don’t worry Grandma, I’ll be back soon.” The service focused on forgiving yourself and others. Natalie felt the mountain of guilt that had built up over the years leave her, allowing peace to seep through her body. Lucy returned from Sunday school with an angel she’d made out of an empty toilet roll and gave it to her.
At the end of the service, Lucy asked, “Can I see inside your campervan, Grandma?” The two of them walked out to the car-park, hand in hand. Natalie unlocked the van and opened the sliding door. Lucy leapt inside, and closed the curtains to create a cubby house, before sprawling across the double bed, sighing, “This is a dream come true.”
Natalie continued to attend church each Sunday, where Lucy cuddled up beside her. “I love you, Grandma.” She gave her the items she made in Sunday school each week. Natalie was a little nervous she might be stepping on Jill’s toes, but no, Jill seemed happy to have another woman to confide in. Over morning tea she shared with Natalie the ups and downs of her life, while Chris immersed himself in conversation with the men. After that, Natalie played with Lucy, sometimes taking her across the road to the play equipment.
Then, one day, Lucy persuaded Chris to invite Natalie home for lunch after church. Chris appeared more relaxed at home, taking time to talk with her about various aspects of Christianity. Natalie was always fascinated with spiritual things and listened intently. After the meal, Natalie played hiding-go-seek with Lucy, pushed her on the swing and watched her on the trampoline. At the end of the day, she hugged Lucy and whispered in her ear, “I love you.”
Continuing to see Lucy was the most important thing in Natalie’s life but she struggled with her own integrity, uncertain how to fit the Christian ideology into her long-held spiritualist perspective. She prayed for guidance, finally receiving a revelation one morning in bed that made sense of things.
God the Father is the huge spirit from which everything and everyone is created from love. God the Son became human to demonstrate how to live in a purely loving, unselfish way. The Holy Spirit is the spirit with which you are familiar, transforming the inner life force into a loving influence. The Garden of Eden is Earth. Adam represents mankind, Eve womankind. Jesus was killed as a result of the selfishness of men, something within us all. Your selfishness is forgiven when you accept Christ and turn your life spirit to love. Satan is the force of selfish desire, the passion to have control or power over others. Becoming a Christian means giving up selfish ways and accepting Jesus’ guidance, taking the Holy Spirit into your life. You are then guided by the love within. Your purpose is to build loving connections, to restore the oneness of the soul. Heaven is a place of pure love, Hell a place of total selfishness, competition and conflict. Neither oppress nor allow yourself to be oppressed, as demonstrated by Jesus. Be guided by the Holy Spirit, not by the power of others.
Since the spirit of love had always been paramount in Natalie’s life, this view of Christianity felt comfortable. For the sake of her family, she embraced it.
A huge lego demonstration was being held in Canberra and they’d decided to go there after church. “I’m afraid I could only get tickets for the 2.30 session,” Natalie said. “I’ll go for a walk in the park in the meantime and meet you there.”
“Can I go with Grandma?” asked Lucy.
Chris nodded. He actually trusts me with his child. Lucy sat beside Natalie in the campervan, chattering away, as if travelling together were something they were perfectly accustomed to. They pulled up at the café in Weston Park where they bought pie and chips for lunch. Sitting together at an outside table to eat, they watched the children’s train doing its circuit.
“Shall we go on the mini-train?” suggested Natalie.
“Grandma you’re the best.”
Lucy could hardly contain her excitement when they took their seats on the train. As it chugged along, she kept exclaiming, ‘Look at that’, pointing at flowers, ducks and brightly coloured paintings, apparently getting a thrill out of everything. As they went through the tunnel she gave three loud cheers for Grandma. It was hard to believe the joy this child exuded. As they left the little station, they came across a man with a puppy on his lap. Lucy rushed over and started patting it.
“Lucy, ask the man for permission first.”
“It’s all right.” He said in a friendly way.
Natalie sat on a bench and watched for a while. “Lucy I need the toilet. Come on now.”
“Can’t I stay here ’til you get back?”
“No, you come with me.”
The child obeyed, skipping along beside her. She’s so vulnerable. I can’t remember ever feeling so protective with Chris. They had time for a quiet walk beside the lake and a short play on the equipment. Natalie held her breath as Lucy climbed to the top of the pyramid and waved confidently down to her.
It was just on 2.30 when they met up with Jill and Chris. Jill smiled at Natalie. “It was so nice for Chris and me to have the chance to go out for a meal on our own.”
“I’m happy to look after Lucy any time you want to go out together. She’s no trouble.”
The building was extremely crowded. For Natalie, the best part of walking around the exhibition was feeling the warmth of the child’s hand in hers, as they worked their way around the various displays.
Natalie received a transfer to the rehabilitation ward at the hospital. She was sorry to be moving away from Veronica but soon realised she was to lose their daily companionship anyway, with her announcement that she was pregnant and planned to take on full-time motherhood. The rehab ward was a big change. Here she had time to spend with patients, to get to really know them. She found the old magic returned to her work as she helped patients face the challenges that lay ahead.
A bonus was working with Sarah, the other social worker in the ward. A single, mature woman with a portly build, she was high spirited, greeting everyone of a morning with a beaming smile, as she rushed about the ward, spreading good cheer. Natalie found herself renewed by the change, becoming more cheerful and outgoing herself.
“Will you be going to the church service on Christmas day?” Natalie asked Jill.
“No, we’re going to a friend’s place.”
“Oh! When will it suit you for me to bring Lucy’s presents over?”
Chris butted in. “Why don’t you join us at our friend’s place? They always have a big family group. One more won’t make any difference.”
“That would be lovely.” My first family Christmas in such a long time.
“Can I take your photo, Lucy?”
Lucy turned around, a beautiful smile on her face and Natalie clicked the camera. After climbing a tree in her pretty, pink frock, providing Natalie with another photo opportunity, Lucy spent most of the day careering up and down the veranda on the skateboard Natalie had given her. That was when she wasn’t playing with the other children. Natalie felt a bit out of it with all the strangers but when she wasn’t playing with Lucy, she was chatting with Jill. I’m really starting to belong to this family.
The photo of Lucy in the campervan went onto the bookshelf at work and the one of her up the tree sat beside the television at home.
Before long, Chris took up Natalie’s suggestion to meet up for a picnic beside the river. Natalie hadn’t been there long, meandering along the bank under the shady trees, listening to the bird song, when the family arrived. Lucy leapt out of the car and ran into her arms for a hug before turning to her father. “Can I go in for a swim with Grandma?” They were soon all in their costumes at the water’s edge, the intense heat burning down on their shoulders. With the brown water rushing over rough pebbles and rocks, Jill was hesitant about entering the river and needed Chris’s reassuring hand. Lucy was happy to ride on Natalie’s back, delighted when she dove under the water with her. They shared a lunch of chicken salad and watermelon before Chris announced it was time to leave. Lilly whined, begging to return to the river for another swim.
Chris quickly became impatient. “It’s too hot. You’ll be burnt to smithereens. Get in the car now.”
Natalie felt sorry for the little girl but had the sense to keep her mouth shut. Disappointed the day had been cut short, she watched their vehicle draw away.
It wasn’t long before Jill asked Natalie to babysit. The moment her parents went out the door, Lucy asked to go to the park. She climbed on a chair to collect a bag of stale crusts from the freezer, grabbed her skateboard and they made their way down the street. On reaching the park, Lucy ran to a pond with Natalie in hot pursuit. It didn’t take long for the ducks to swim over and gobble up the bread they threw. Lucy rushed off to the swing, leaving Natalie to follow with the skateboard. “Push me, Grandma.” When Lucy tired of the swing she ran to the climbing wall. Natalie counted out loud while Lucy climbed the wall several times, attempting to improve her speed. On their return home, Lucy cuddled up beside Natalie on the lounge for a bed-time story.
Parallel Lives Page 31