Caroline’s humour left her as abruptly as it had appeared, a shadow darkening her eyes. She wasn’t even sure she had a marriage any more.
Sonia was instantly attuned to her unhappiness. ‘Everything is all right between you and Justin, isn’t it?’ She frowned her concern.
A lot of women, in the same circumstances, might worry that she would try to play upon Tony’s past affection for her if her marriage was shaky, but Sonia wasn’t like that, genuinely concerned for Caroline’s happiness.
‘Fine,’ Caroline evaded; she wasn’t ready yet to talk to anyone about the strain that existed between her and Justin. ‘I’ll have to talk to him first before making any arrangements to come over for dinner,’ she thankfully excused. ‘But I doubt we can make it tomorrow; Justin is away at the moment, you see.’
‘I didn’t realise,’ Sonia said slowly.
‘It’s just a business trip,’ she dismissed lightly. ‘But we’ll make arrangements for coming over, to dinner as soon as he gets back,’ she promised, willing her sister to leave now that she had said what she came here to say. Much more of Sonia’s sympathetic looks and she would be crying all over her sister’s silky dress!
‘If you’re going to be on your own this evening, why don’t you come to us, anyway?’ Sonia suggested eagerly. ‘I’m sure it can’t be any fun eating alone.’
She could just guess what interpretation Justin would put on her going to Sonia and Tony’s for dinner! ‘I’m really not sure when Justin is going to get back, and I’d like to be here when he does,’ she refused with an apologetic smile.
‘OK.’ Sonia stood up to leave. ‘But remember, you owe me.’ Her eyes twinkled mischievously.
Caroline gave a start of surprise. ‘I do?’
Sonia grinned, a perfectly natural smile that was nothing like the poses she affected in front of a camera. ‘Paula hasn’t exactly welcomed me as a member of the family, as my sister stole Justin right from under her nose. At least, I think it was her nose,’ she added derisively.
Caroline couldn’t help smiling at her sister’s mischievous humour. ‘She’ll get over it,’ she predicted with a relaxed smile, walking out with her sister to the door.
Sonia arched dark blonde brows. ‘I don’t know too many women that would “get over” a man like Justin!’
Caroline’s smile remained fixed on her lips as she said goodbye to her sister, but her cheeks actually hurt from the strain of it by the time she returned to the lounge alone. Sonia was right; not many women would get over wanting someone like Justin. She would certainly never stop loving him!
She was in her room showering before dinner when she heard the apartment door opened, followed by Mrs Avery’s surprised greeting, her pleasure obvious.
Justin. He had come home after all.
Her hands shook as she fastened the belt of her robe about her slim waist, putting up a self-conscious hand to her damp hair, its thick vibrancy drying in disordered waves. She had been going to blow-dry it into style as she usually did, but right now talking to Justin was of paramount importance. What did it matter that he would see her hair in its naturally wayward state for the first time? She doubted he would be much interested in her appearance anyway.
She faced him with wide eyes as the bedroom door opened seconds later and he stepped inside. He was dressed as he usually was for a day at work, his charcoal-grey suit perfectly tailored, his shirt pristine white, a silver-grey tie knotted at his throat. Had he been at work today after all?
‘Caroline.’ He nodded abruptly, putting his briefcase down beside the bedroom chair, straightening his cuff as he turned to face her. ‘Why do you look so pensive?’ he regarded her coldly. ‘Do you imagine I’ve returned home to beat you?’
She swallowed hard, hating it when he took on the guise of the successful lawyer he was. The man she loved was the fiercely gentle, always considerate lover that she had known in her bed every night since they had married—except for the last two nights.
She breathed raggedly. ‘Have you?’
His mouth twisted as he loosened his tie, throwing off his jacket to place it over the back of the chair, an unusual thing for this usually fastidiously tidy man to do. ‘Do I have reason to?’ He arched dark brows.
‘No,’ she answered him unhesitantly.
He sat down in the chair, leaning back against his jacket, his eyes closed, seeming to forget her existence for the moment.
Caroline took the opportunity to look at him, to really look at him. He looked strained, lines of tiredness beside his eyes, his face paler than it usually was. In that moment he looked all of his thirty-six years, and Caroline longed to go to him, to kneel at his feet as she soothed the tension from his face. But there had been too much bitterness between them the last few days for her to be sure of her welcome, and she would break down completely if he rejected her.
Finally he roused himself, one hand moving to the back of his nape to ease the pressure there, his gaze dark and disturbed as he looked at her across the width of the room.
Caroline was able to see the pain in his gaze then, the deep and utter despair that was so unlike the confident man she was used to.
‘No,’ he confirmed grimly.
She gave a puzzled frown, looking at him searchingly. ‘No what?’ she finally prompted in a voice husky with emotion.
He sighed. ‘No, I have no reason to beat you.’ She didn’t understand, puzzlement grooving a frown between her eyes. ‘You aren’t—angry, about the baby any more?’ she questioned hesitantly.
He stood up so suddenly that she took a step backwards, receiving a mocking grimace at the involuntary movement. ‘What’s the use of being angry about the baby?’ he dismissed harshly. ‘It’s a fact, isn’t it?’
Her head went back in challenge. ‘Yes.’ He nodded. ‘That’s what I thought,’ he drawled uninterestedly. ‘You—what have you done to your hair?’ he frowned suddenly.
She put up a hand to the unruly swathe. ‘I haven’t had time to—to style it yet. Justin—’
‘I like it.’ He watched her, completely still, although restless energy permeated from him. ‘It makes you look like a—Hell!’ He swore viciously to himself. ‘It’s because I want you every damned time I look at you that we’re in this mess in the first place, and as soon as I get home all I can think about is lying you back on that bed and feeling you shudder against me!’ He shook his head disgustedly, striding to the door to wrench it open. ‘Get some clothes on,’ he instructed coldly. ‘I’ll be waiting in the lounge for you so that we can finish this conversation.’
Caroline couldn’t move for long minutes after he had left, a small bud of hope pushing itself steadily forward. Did his words mean that he accepted the baby as his after all?
God, it was only a slight hope, but it galvanised her into action. Quickly pulling clothes from the cupboard to dress, the fawn loose-knit top she wore a perfect colour match for her tailored trousers, she left her hair as it was, not wanting to waste the time on it just now.
Justin stood at the lounge window looking out over London, dropping the curtain back in place to turn and face her as he heard her entrance. He had his thoughts and emotions completely back under control now, his expression one of aloofness.
Caroline could only sigh for the passing of his earlier lapse, knowing she couldn’t hope to do more than maintain her dignity when Justin became this cold stranger.
She regarded him warily. ‘Where were you last night?’
He shrugged. ‘At a hotel,’ he dismissed curtly. ‘It wouldn’t have been a good idea for me to come back here then,’ he explained heavily.
Her lids lowered to hide the tears that suddenly blurred her vision. ‘At least you have come back,’ she said shakily.
‘Yes,’ he acknowledged derisively, ‘but then this happens to be my apartment,’ he reminded drily.
She looked at him accusingly. ‘Our apartment,’ she corrected firmly. ‘If you’re asking me to leave I would advise you to do it
in a less subtle way than that,’ she added in a hard voice. ‘Because whether you believe it or not the child I’m carrying is yours. And I’ll be damned—’
‘I know,’ he said quietly.
‘—if I’ll let you just—’ Her voice trailed off weakly, and she stared at Justin with widely disbelieving eyes. She swallowed hard, so tense she felt as if she might snap in half. ‘Did you just say—did you—’
‘The child inside you is mine,’ he confirmed flatly, his expression grim. ‘Yesterday I returned to my doctor so that he could carry out tests to see if it were possible. Today,’ he bit out harshly. ‘he told me that the operation I had several years ago had somehow reversed itself, that I’m more than capable of fathering a child.’ His mouth was tight with anger, boding ill for the doctor that had imparted this news to him.
Caroline’s joyous relief at Justin’s admission to being the father of her baby was quickly superseded by what he had said after that. She shook her head uncomprehendingly. ‘I—operation?’ she repeated dazedly. ‘You don’t mean a—a—’
‘A vasectomy,’ he supplied coldly, nodding abruptly. ‘That’s exactly what I do mean, Caroline,’ he said impatiently.
Stunned disbelief was too mild a description of her emotions at that moment; she felt as if the breath had been completely knocked from her body, as if someone had dealt her a severely debilitating blow. Coloured spots of light danced before her eyes, and for a moment she felt as if she might faint.
‘But—but why?’ she cried when she at last found the strength to speak.
‘Surely that’s obvious?’ Justin drawled.
‘Not to me!’ she groaned, her arms cradled about her stomach where their child nestled so innocently.
He gave an impatient sigh. ‘I’ve already told you, I don’t want children. The operation was supposed to ensure that I never had any,’ he added with grating anger.
But what of the child she now carried?
CHAPTER FOUR
JUSTIN’S mouth twisted as he seemed to read the horrified question in her eyes. ‘Yes,’ he drawled, ‘your pregnancy does seem to be rather a problem, doesn’t it?’
The numbness fell away to be replaced by searing pain; Caroline knew without needing to be told that Justin still rejected their child. He was an aloof man, yes, often arrogant, but he could be kind, and he was always completely unselfish when they made love; what had made him dislike children so much that he had taken the drastic step of a vasectomy to ensure that he never had any? She knew that his own childhood had been happy, that he still deeply missed his mother who had died four years ago and his father who had followed her six months later, so it couldn’t possibly be for that reason that he had decided never to have a family of his own.
She looked at him as if seeing him for the first time; she had never before known a person who simply disliked children, especially to the extreme Justin had gone to to avoid having any of his own.
He returned her gaze steadily for several seconds, and then pain clouded his gaze and he turned away. In that moment he looked completely vulnerable, as if a wound had opened up inside him and he didn’t known how to stop the bleeding.
There was more, so much more to his decision not to have children than he was prepared to tell her, and she wanted so badly to know what it was, to be able to help him. But already his expression had become closed, as if he regretted even that tiny lapse in his guard.
‘You want to have the baby, of course,’ he bit out uninterestedly.
She stiffened. ‘Of course.’
He nodded, as if he had never doubted what her answer would be. ‘Then it would seem—’
‘Justin, I don’t want a divorce,’ she cried, crossing the room to look up at him pleadingly. ‘We don’t talk about our feelings for each other, just seem to accept what we have—’ her voice broke emotionally ‘—but I love you, Justin,’ she told him raggedly. ‘And I love your child that I carry inside me. Don’t ask me to choose between the two of you!’ She clasped his hands in entreaty, her eyes awash with tears.
He made no effort to return the clasp of her hands, but the didn’t pull away from her either, his gaze dark as he looked down at her. ‘I wouldn’t do that,’ he finally answered her gruffly. ‘I don’t think any woman’s love should ever be tested to the extreme where she has to choose between her husband or her child. Besides,’ he added self-derisively, ‘I know I would lose.’
Her eyes clouded blue-grey. He was right; she would do anything he asked of her—except give up her child. Her hands dropped away from his, her cheeks ashen as she turned away. ‘Do you want me to leave now, or—or will the morning do?’
‘I don’t want you to go at all.’
She spun around to face him, frowning heavily. And then she sighed. Of course he didn’t want her to go, but they both knew she had to.
Her mouth twisted sadly. ‘I hope I haven’t disrupted your life too much the last few weeks. I tried not to—’
‘Caroline, I said I don’t want you to go,’ he pointed out harshly.
‘Yes, but—’ She shook her head dazedly at his determined expression. ‘What about the baby?’ she reminded him softly, frowning.
He drew in a ragged breath. ‘Isn’t there room in your life for both of us?’
‘Of course.’ She shook her head in puzzlement. ‘But you said—’
‘And I meant it,’ he cut in harshly. ‘The child is yours, Caroline, and you must make what arrangements are needed for it. As long as it doesn’t disrupt or disorganise my life, things can stay as they are,’ he announced arrogantly.
Caroline gave an inward groan; babies were notorious for disrupting even the best laid plans, and they had a habit of disorganising on sight.
‘We’ll get a house outside London,’ Justin continued distantly. ‘That way the baby will be able to have its section of our living accommodation and I’ll be able to have mine.’
And never the twain shall meet, thought Caroline with a frown. What was she supposed to do. Distribute her attention between the two? She knew that was the general idea. Justin could have no idea of the amount of time that needed to be spent on a new baby, on a toddler, an infant; according to her mother the worrying and caring never stopped, even when the ‘child’ was as old as she was!
How could she agree to Justin’s outline of the rest of their lives with any idea of being able to keep to it? What would it do to the child to grow up knowing its father was in the house but wanted nothing to do with it? But there was plenty of time before it would come to that, and in the meantime she might be able to persuade Justin into loving his child. From the coldness of his expression now that didn’t look like much of a possibility, but it was all she had to hope for, loving him as much as she did.
‘What if it doesn’t work out?’ she hesitated.
He sighed his impatience. ‘I’ve made my compromise, Caroline, I can’t offer any more.’
It was so much more than she had expected, but she knew the way he imagined them living would never work out, that children couldn’t live by those rules. Maybe by the time Justin had realised that, he would have come to love his child after all. What choice did any of them have, unless she asked for the divorce without even trying to make her marriage work. That wasn’t even a possible consideration. Once Justin had a child of his own, a son who looked like him, he might change his mind about not wanting children.
‘I’ll take it!’ She gave a self-conscious grimace at his mockingly raised brows. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make our marriage sound like a bargain I’ve just made.’
‘We both know that a bargain is definitely something I’m not,’ he derided. ‘Now that that’s settled I think I’ll go to our bedroom and try to catch up on some of the sleep I missed the last two nights.’ He looked at her warily. ‘Caro?’
A blush of anticipation darkened her cheeks. ‘I thought you said you wanted to catch up on your sleep?’ she teased.
‘I can do that later.’ His gaze was
intent. ‘At the moment I need to make love to you. I don’t want dinner,’ he told her firmly as he guessed her intent to remind him they hadn’t eaten yet. ‘The sleep can wait. But I need you very much.’
That need was as close as he ever came to feeling anything for her, and with a man like Justin, a man who regarded most emotions as a weakness, it was the most she could expect for the moment.
‘I need you, too,’ she admitted softly. ‘Justin—’
‘Let’s take one day at a time, Caro,’ he advised gently. ‘Starting with tonight.’
Their two nights apart had made them more eager for each other than ever, clothes landing where they were thrown, the two of them merging together without delay as they reacquainted themselves with each other’s bodies. For Caroline, moments joined with Justin like this were the happiest in her life, a time when she felt truly one with him, when nothing could ever separate them.
Her own pinnacle reached, she loved nothing better than watching Justin as he lost all control, moving fiercely against him to increase his pleasure, loving the near-agony on his face as he shuddered into her in wave after wave of ecstasy. Tonight she joined him in this burning pleasure, knowing they had reached the ultimate in lovemaking.
‘That was—that was—’ Justin rested his damp forehead against hers, still moving spasmodically in lingering pleasure. ‘I didn’t hurt you?’ He voiced his concern, knowing their lovemaking had been wilder tonight than ever before.
Caroline knew this would be his only acknowledgement of the baby she carried, that even though he didn’t want it he wouldn’t deliberately harm it. It was a start.
She caressed the sleek dampness of his back. ‘Pain doesn’t feel good,’ she murmured throatily, ‘and that felt very good!’
He chuckled softly, rolling to the bed at her side, taking her with him as he rested her head against his shoulder. ‘I certainly didn’t marry a shy virgin,’ he said with satisfaction.
She had felt shy with him in the past, disturbed by his physical pull on her, but tonight she was filled with a new self-confidence.
Uncertain Destiny Page 5