by Stahl, Shey
Never in my life had I wanted to hit a woman like I did right then. Not only was she knocking my skills on the track, but she was accusing me of something I didn’t do. Wanted to, but didn’t.
“Don’t turn this around on me Chelsea.” I yelled after her as she stormed out of my room, my fist connected with my bedroom wall. The gaping hole in the sheetrock confirmed my anger problem was still present. I would need to work on that.
Surprisingly, once she left, I went about packing again as if nothing happened.
Trying to pack proved to be difficult because everyone stopped by that day to say goodbye to me. Some were enjoyable and others were not.
Tommy cried, actually cried and then when I told him to meet us in Vegas, he was fine again. Tommy knew sprint cars and he specifically knew set-ups. I needed him.
Cooper stopped by and that was awkward because we hadn’t talked since I found out he had slept with Sway.
He said he’d come watch races when he could and to keep in touch. I said I would but I wasn’t sure that I would. I seemed to guard myself with anyone that showed interest in Sway. I know now why I did, but back then, I didn’t.
I nearly lost all control when my mom came for a visit. She spent most of the time in tears and crying about her baby boy leaving home and some shit about a nest and birds and I frankly stopped listening at one point until she started to make sense.
“Don’t forget where you came from.” She told me pulling me into a hug, an obsessive amount of tears falling from her eyes. “Above all else, do this because you want to not because you can.”
I’m not sure what she meant by that, but I listened. I think.
The next was Spencer.
I always felt badly because of my racing, what Spencer and Emma wanted was usually put on the back burner.
“We do this because we love it.” Was all they ever said to me when helping me out at the track. When it came down to it, they loved their odd jobs with my makeshift team. Emma had the negotiation skills of a great debater and Spencer could lift a fucking Buick if needed.
They were perfect to have around.
Emma on the other hand, I refused to let her come. Yeah, she graduated early with us but she was also sixteen. I didn’t want that type of responsibility. I could handle Spencer and I could handle Emma, but not together. They fed off each other and I was the only normal one, stuck in the middle.
Later that night, as I expected, when dad arrived home from Grand Rapids, he made his way inside my room.
He didn’t say anything for a good ten minutes and when he did speak, it was quiet.
“Is this really what you want?” he asked. “I only ask because you need to think this through. This isn’t just about doing something you love anymore. It becomes your entire life.”
I knew what I wanted. I didn’t have to think about it. I’d spent the last seventeen years thinking about it.
“Yes.” My voice was confident and unwavering, just like my decision to leave home.
He sighed with a nod of his head, his tired eyes found mine. “There’s going to come a time in your life when you’d give it all away to just feel.”
Huh?
I think he knew this was lost on me so he continued. “I’ve been in your shoes. I know what you’re feeling...you think I don’t, but I do.” He said. “It’s not easy to feel and it’s not easy to let a woman love you—at least not one that you are afraid to lose.”
Jimi was always cryptic when speaking. Half the time, us kids had no idea what he was talking about. Now wasn’t any different.
“Someday you’ll understand.” He said before leaving my room.
I just nodded at everything he was telling me. He thought I loved Sway, which I did but not the way he thought. I loved her friendship. I couldn’t see myself loving her any other way. Sure it would be easy to but that wasn’t me. I had no intentions of having that type of relationship with anyone. I didn’t want the responsibility of it. From what I’d seen of relationships, I never wanted that again. They were complicated and required attention, attention I didn’t have.
Right now, all that matter was seeing how I compared to those beasts from the East.
9. Scuffs – Jameson
Scuffs – Slang term for tires that have been used at least once and saved for further racing. A lap or two is enough to “scuff” them. Most often, these are used in qualifying.
The morning we left, I took my time loading everything after I got back from seeing Charlie and Sway. Charlie informed me that if anything happened to Sway, he’d kill me.
I loaded the car that morning and everything else we were taking with us.
To save on money, we only took one 360-sprint for now and then the others would be stored at the race shop my dad just had built in Mooresville.
This would make it easier when we needed to pick up different cars.
Spencer and I had the car loaded with spare parts and engines by nine that morning. Sway showed up not long after that with two bags.
What girl could leave home for five months and take only two bags for clothes? Sway could. This just confirmed my theory that she was pretty much the coolest girl I’d ever met.
While my parents made sure we had everything and harassed us about safety and food, Alley showed up. Spencer and Alley were inseparable these days, which meant she would be coming with us.
I was okay with that, only because we needed all the help we could get. Standing around the driveway after everything had been loaded; we went over the schedule with my parents so they knew where we would be and when. You could see the hesitation and anxiety in their eyes. They wouldn’t have told you but to let their two sons travel across the country with no supervision was a significant risk for them, particularly when you are talking about the Riley boys.
Despite our argument yesterday, I never thought I would see Chelsea again but she showed up carrying a bag.
“What are you doing?” I asked glancing down at her bag and then leaned back against my truck. My arms crossed over my chest.
“I’m coming with you.” She told me throwing her bag at my feet. “I’m not letting you go that easily...if Sway is coming, I’m coming.”
“Do you really think after yesterday, I would ever want to see you?”
“I’m your girlfriend.”
“Who fucked around,” I hastened to add.
“So did you.”
Anger surged through me. I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“I never slept with anyone else, Chelsea.”
“But you kissed Sway.” Her eyes had tears in them as she examined my gargoyle expression. I lost my temper in front of everyone. My family was standing not more than twenty feet away and I lost it.
“Why do you always bring up Sway?” I seethed my voice just below a shout. “I’m fucking sick of it! Do you want to know why I’m friends with her?” I didn’t wait for her to answer. “Because unlike you, she’s not a vindictive fucking bitch and insecure,”
“I’m not insecure. I know that I’m attractive.”
Rolling my eyes, I shot back with, “What do you want? Why are you even here?”
I wasn’t upset that she slept with Colby, I was relieved. It was a way out for me. What I was upset about was her accusing me of sleeping with Sway.
“I’m coming with you.” Her eyes found mine.
“No, you’re not.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I forgot...you’re like twelve fucking years old.” I sighed and stepped closer. “No, you’re not coming.”
She stomped her foot as I knew she would. “I’m coming with you!”
Scuffs – Sway
“No...” Jameson told her and hung his head. His temper seemed to be diffusing ever so slightly but I could still see that he was on edge.
Why Emma and I found this so entertaining was beyond me but I couldn’t stop laughing. Probably because I hated Chelsea and I knew she used Jameson for her own popularity.
<
br /> First came the rage, she slapped him so hard that his head jerked back. His cheek turned pink but he just cracked his neck glaring at her and stood straighter, stepping closer to her as if this was his warning to her not to do that again.
Then she hugged him and from the grim expression he wore—it was just as painful. We couldn’t hear anything else they were saying as Jameson was blocking our view but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I got bored and made my way inside the shop to say bye to Jimi.
“Hey Jimi,” I greeted leaning up against the toolbox in the far right corner of his race shop.
“Hey sweetie...did you already say bye to Charlie.” He looked up at me from his place against the sprint car.
He was down there checking tire pressure and the stagger on the car Jameson was taking. I knew we’d be back in but it was still hard to say bye to everyone. We were doing something we’d never done before. Four kids were heading into the unknown to experience life. Jameson and I weren’t even eighteen yet.
“Yeah, I said goodbye this morning. Jameson came over and talked with Charlie for a little while and then we left.” I laughed. “I think he wanted to warn him that if anything happened to me, he’d probably kill your son.”
“Sway...I’ll kill Jameson myself if anything happens to you.”
I only nodded, tears threatening. Jimi and Nancy were like my adopted parents and seeing the emotional side of Jimi was a little much for me.
“You make sure he’s careful out there.” Jimi requested pulling me into a warm hug. “Keep him focused. He depends on you and sometimes you seem to be the only one he’ll listen to.”
I had to laugh. “Jameson doesn’t listen to anyone, Jimi.”
“I know.”
We exchanged another hug and before tears could overcome the two of us, Jimi made his way inside the house to comfort Nancy. She wasn’t doing so well and carrying around a book full of his Jameson’s baby pictures.
I hid in the race shop for while trying to compose myself when Emma walked in.
Emma was similar to Jameson in the sense that when she wanted something she knew she couldn’t have, her shy side came out. The Riley children were not shy by the way; it was all an act. “Um...I was thinking since I graduated early I could, you know...come with you guys.”
I laughed. “You don’t have to ask me. You need to ask Jameson.”
“I thought maybe I could just come along. He won’t even know I’m there.”
“Doubt that.” I snorted. “You need to ask him.”
“Ask me what?” Jameson came inside the shop with an arm full of tie downs. How he got away from crazy lady was probably a miracle. “Shit.” He cussed when he tripped over a pair of shocks Spencer left laying on the floor.
“Emma wants to come with us.” I said.
“Absolutely not,” He didn’t even think about it as he straightened his stance. “Hell no,” He tossed the tie downs inside the hauler.
“But I want to be with everyone.” She begged.
I started to feel for her. Emma didn’t have any friends besides us and now that everyone was going with Jameson that would leave her with Jimi and Nancy.
Jameson leaned against the sprint car and crossed his arms. “You’re not coming. I don’t want that type of responsibility. It’s bad enough I have to worry about Sway.”
“Please.” She cried.
I laughed. This was pathetic. “Let her come, Jameson.”
Jameson was quiet and then pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed. “Fine, but I have rules.”
“I’m listening.” Emma perked up.
“You listen to what Spencer and I tell you.” His eyebrows arched in question at her.
She nodded while I giggled next to them.
“No dating racers.”
Emma frowned. “Lock me up why don’t you?”
“Don’t come then.” Jameson challenged.
“Fine, but I get to pick the first hotel.” She beamed and ran to her house to pack.
“I thought we were done with her.” Jameson sighed tipping his head toward me standing shoulder to shoulder with him.
“She’s your sister. She’s not going anywhere.”
“This is going to suck.”
“What did Chelsea say?”
Jameson hung his head. “Uh...she broke up with me.”
I couldn’t tell whether this bothered him or not, so I didn’t say anything. Jameson knew how I felt about Chelsea so he didn’t need to hear it again when he was clearly having some mixed emotions about this so I didn’t say any more.
I thought he would have been glad to get rid of her seeing how he wasn’t even considering letting her come with us.
An awkward silence crept over us when he took a deep breath and smiled. “You ready?”
“Sure, let’s do this.”
“You sure?”
“I was until you said Emma could come.”
“Hey asshole...you told me too.” He said glaring.
An hour later—an emotional outburst from Nancy—Emma carrying her entire bedroom outside and Jameson throwing everything out of his truck—we were on our way to California.
The plan was to race in Chico this Saturday night, then Vegas the following Tuesday night and then we’d be off to the Midwest.
I thought Jameson would be excited but instead he was quiet. He didn’t even fight me when I turned on Gary Allan.
Once we stopped to eat, I decided to have a heart-to-heart with him while everyone else argued about what hotel we’d be staying in.
I pulled him aside. “What’s up with you?”
He shrugged and looked down at his feet. In the distance, a group of kids around our age pile in the back of a Jeep with a boat attached to it. They were doing what every other teenager would be doing this summer, spending their time at the lake.
“Why does something have to be wrong?” there was a sour edge to his voice I hadn’t heard in a while.
“Are you upset about Chelsea?”
“No.” he answered immediately. He sighed and sat down on the curb outside the Denny’s where we stopped at. “I’m not upset.”
“Then what is it because this mopey side is not something I’d expect from someone who just left home to follow his dreams.” I sat down beside him bumping against his shoulders.
“I just,” he drew in a deep breath. His shoulders slumped forward letting his head fall into his hands. “I guess I just feel like my entire family is risking everything for me to do this and what if I can’t? Sure, I guess I can compete with the guys around Washington but out east...it’s entirely different out there. They eat, sleep, and breathe sprint car racing.”
“And you don’t?” He made no attempt to look at me so I continued. Placing my palms over his shoulders, my head dipped to meet his weary gaze toward the parking lot. “Jameson...ever since I met you, racing’s all you’ve done. Spring breaks, you were in Eldora with your dad. Summer vacations, you were racing at different tracks around the West Coast. Friday night football games, you were preparing your car for Saturday’s race or working in your dad’s shop. Senior prom you were in Chico. Graduation you left early to make a race in Cottage Grove.”
He finally tipped his head and looked over at me, his cheek resting against his forearm. “Do you think I can do it?”
“Yes,” I told him confidently. “You’re an amazing racer. Don’t think of yourself as Jimi Riley’s kid because I have no idea who that is. I only know Jameson Riley. You can do this. What I’m trying to say is that you gave up a normal childhood because you believed in something, yourself. You have this dream that means everything to you and I will not sit back and watch it pass you by.”
He grinned. “You gonna force me to race?”
“If I have to,”
“Really?” he challenged with another grin, this time it was full of mischief.
I held up my hand. “Don’t even think about it.”
He had me thrown over his shoulders before I co
uld even finish my sentence and swatted my ass once. “You were saying?”
“Fuck off and put me down.”
“I don’t think so. Let’s go eat.”
The rest of the night Jameson’s mood improved immensely and when we were lying in bed that night, he finally talked a little about Chelsea. He was always so guarded when it came to his feelings about her.
“So she broke up with you?”
He blinked his eyes slowly as though he was gauging my reaction or something. “Yeah, I didn’t give her an option. When I told her she wasn’t coming, it pretty much forced her to.”
“You didn’t want her to come?”
“No, she...I just didn’t.” he voice changed so I decided not to pressure him anymore.
I always knew when his tone changed that he didn’t want to talk about something.
Rolling over on his stomach beside me, he tucked his arms under a pillow. “What about you, are you going to miss Cooper?”
“Hardly...after I told him I didn’t want to mess around anymore...he stopped talking to me.”
“Figures,” Jameson grumbled rolling his eyes. “Told you he was an asshole,”
“Yeah well, where were you at prom to warn me?”
“Sorry,” he wrinkled his nose. “I’ll screen your future boyfriends.”
“Good, wouldn’t want any more assholes.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem...I probably won’t approve of anyone. You’re special to me Sway and you deserve someone who will put you before anything else.”
“Have you been reading hallmark cards or something?”
He laughed, finally laughed. “No,” his eyes found mine. “I just want you taken care of. I won’t settle for anyone but the best for you honey.”
I felt this weird sensation when spoke the words “I won’t settle,” as though I was hoping he would say it was him. I didn’t know how I felt about Jameson but I could feel something happening between us, something intense but I also felt that maybe it was just me. I decided not to look too much into it because really, he didn’t need this. This summer would be hard on him and I wasn’t here to complicate things. I was here to support him and that’s what I would do. I would be the friend he needed.