by Stahl, Shey
Watching her that morning it was easy to see the change in me. For the longest time, it was so hard to see what was right in front of me, her. But now, it was so simple, so unmistakably obvious.
Just like tear offs on a visor, you don’t realize how obscured your vision is at the time, until you tear away that cellophane, and suddenly you can see and you’re wondering how the hell you made it through the last few laps like that. It was as though hearing Charlie tell me he was dying, cleared away any doubt I had that I was meant to be with Sway. In some way I was and I saw it so clearly now.
Sway, who’d been sound asleep until now, stirred in front of me. She was snuggled with her back against my chest, my arm draped over her waist resting against her stomach.
I should move. I thought to myself. I really should move. This was intimate, right?
And then she sighed.
“Jameson?” she spoke sleepy, “Are we sporking?”
Laughing, I had to spit some of her hair out of my mouth to reply. “It’s called spooning, Sway.”
“Spooning is a dumb word. So we’re forking?” she turned her head around to glance back at me.
I groaned. The woman was killing me.
“Nope—I’d have noticed if we were forking, for sure.”
A ray of sunshine broke through, shinning on her face. God, she was so beautiful.
“I wish you were still traveling with us.” I told her kissing her forehead. “I miss you.”
She smiled. “I do too.”
I hated that I couldn’t tell her, I wanted to. She deserved to know how drastically her life would change. I also knew I couldn’t offer anything. I would do nothing but complicate the situation if she were with me all the time. Nothing would change by telling her.
My phone buzzing again ended anything I wanted to say to her in that moment. Wes called to remind me to be at the airport in a few hours so I decided to shower.
After I took a shower, I walked out into her living room to see Sway curled up on the couch, next to Tommy, who was eating cereal from a bowl in his lap. He was pointing to the television screen, thumb on the remote’s pause button, wearing a look of deep concentration. He looked much like a scholar extemporizing upon his area of passionate interest. Sway was watching the screen, equally fascinated.
“You see, you need lots of assembly lube. Eventually you can—”
“What are you watching?” I was praying they weren’t watching porn after watching her neighbors last night.
Tommy shrugged, eyes glued to the screen. “A video prepping the camshaft for insertion,” he said. “I’m giving her a rudimentary education.”
He can’t be serious.
Sway’s eyes focused on mine, squinting.
Running my hand through my damp hair, I motioned for the door with a tilt of my head. “I need to get going.” There was no way I could watch that, with Sway here.
She jumped to her feet dumping Tommy’s bowl on him.
“I’ll drive you.” She turned to Tommy. “Clean that up fire crotch!”
As we walked to her truck, I saw a guy walking toward us who, by his grin, appeared to know her.
I said the first thing that came to mind.
“So...Blake, how is he?”
I don’t know why I asked that. I wasn’t sure if this dude was him and what would I have done if she said, “Oh yeah, we’re getting married. Let me introduce you.”
Not that she would have but I clearly was not thinking.
Did I want to hear this?
No.
Did I want to meet the guy?
Without a doubt.
She looked wary, and slightly embarrassed, her eyes glancing between me and him. “You suck.”
“I think he’s waiting for you.” I motioned with my head as he leaned against her truck.
“You stay here. I’ll be right back.” I did as she said. I didn’t need to beat the living shit out of some college kid just because I wasn’t man enough to tell her how I felt.
When he hugged her, relief washed over me. She looked uncomfortable by his advance.
The guy, Blake I knew for sure now, left as Sway motioned for me to come over. “That was nothing.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, now that we have that all cleared-up...”
She laughed a softly, the tension visibly easing from her shoulders.
“You know, you can have other friends. I’m not that selfish.” I lied.
I hated to think that another guy was getting attention from her. I didn’t care if it was a simple smile. I wanted all those smiles and sweet gestures. I wanted to hear every giggle, see every roll of her beautiful eyes and hear every adorable sneeze she made.
God lord, when did I turn into such a girl?
Sway smiled, eyes focused somewhere around her shoes.
“I know.”
We kept walking, her eyes trained on the ground, expression lost in thought. I was lost in my own thoughts, glad to have them to myself. She would undoubtedly be more than a little freaked if she could hear them. My brain was currently screaming obscenities at my heart, who was in turn telling my brain to keep the fucking noise down while it contemplated whether Sway would feel anything for me, ever.
That’s not what concerned me the most. It was what I would do if she did feel more. It was easy to see we could be more without even trying but how we both dealt with that was what was causing the uncertain trepidation.
“Oh shit, I forgot my keys. I’ll be right back.” Sway said turning to run back to her apartment.
I watched her skipping through the rain, bouncing in every puddle as though she was a child. How could someone not love this woman? I thought to myself, smiling.
I waited by the truck glancing over a few emails, trying to ignore my brain. Wiping the screen a few times as a steady rivulet flow of rain fell. I breathed in deep, remembering why I loved this state so much. The smells of my childhood were all around me and reminded me of my attachment to Sway, and why I attributed so much of what I’ve done in my career to her. Everything about my childhood goes back to her. She has been with me through it all. Whenever it rained, no matter where I was at and whether or not she was with me, I thought of her.
“So you’re Jameson Riley?” A voice, from behind, asked.
I didn’t recognize it so I glance over my right shoulder to see Blake standing there, his arms crossed over his chest. Standing within feet of him, I noticed now that he wasn’t a large guy by any means. A few inches shorter than me with dusty blonde hair, his eyes focused on mine.
I paid no mind to him and looked down at my phone.
“Last time I checked.” I mumbled keeping my gaze on my phone.
I didn’t want to know anything about this Blake guy in fear I’d have more to contemplate. I also didn’t want to like him.
“So you’re like what...her boyfriend?” he asked stepping closer to me.
I smiled despite what I was thinking.
“No. We’re friends,” He gave the impression this was the answer he was looking for, so I panicked and blurted out, “Though I wouldn’t say she’s available.”
Blake nodded.
“I never thought she was. It’s pretty obvious she’s taken.” He said and then walked away.
No matter how hard my heart wanted to let go and allow myself not to be in love with her, I just couldn’t. I wished there was a way but at the time, there wasn’t a way, she was and always would be like a security blanket. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to either. Just because I depended so much on her wasn’t necessarily wrong. It wasn’t healthy but it was vital for me. Opening up to the idea she could feel the same way, it both petrified and excited me.
Just as I allowed myself to dream, I thought of Charlie and what his sickness would undoubtedly mean for us. We couldn’t be together for the simple fact that we didn’t have time. She was needed in Elma and me, well, I was a puppet with more obligations than most twenty-two year olds could even imagine having.
>
Tear-offs – Sway
The entire drive back to the airport that morning Jameson didn’t say a word, just stared out the window watching the rain.
The wind had picked up today and each time a strong gust rocked the truck from side-to-side, I watched as his body seemed to tense.
“Are you okay?” I asked entering the parking lot of the airport.
He shrugged instead of answering.
I don’t know what he wanted to say but it seemed like he just couldn’t form the words. When he finally did speak, I wished he hadn’t.
“Your graduation falls on the night of the All-Star race.” He spoke soft and slow, looking directly in my eyes. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “I’m sorry.” Once again, his eyes stayed connected with mine.
Although most people never bothered to, if you looked close enough everything about him shone through his eyes. They saw what they wanted to but I never did. There was fire, fear, a hint of torment and possibly a look of being lost?
I couldn’t tell.
Tears flooded my eyes and spilled over and a whimpering gasp escaped me as I tried to force myself to gain control and not look like a lovesick fool in front of him.
Was it graduation that meant so much?
No, it wasn’t.
It had nothing to do with graduation. It was the fact that he had obligations, obligations I was no longer a part of. Part of me, the irrational pit lizard, wanted to tell him how much I loved him and that I would wait for him to see that we could be perfect for each other but she was quickly ruled out to the logical lucid Sway that recognized that Jameson didn’t need this. He didn’t need irrational clingy Sway. He needed judiciously stable Sway, if she still existed.
“Did I...upset you?” His words were so unsure, so hesitant, that I wanted to lie to him.
I closed my eyes preparing for the conversation and attempting to redeem myself from the mini nervous breakdown I seemed to be having.
“No, you didn’t upset me.” I told him as we sat in the parking lot of the airport. “I just wish you could be there.”
“I wish I could too. You know that it’s hard for me, right? I...don’t like being away from you.” His eyes were careful, the way they were when he was hiding something.
When I didn’t say anything, he continued, his lips pursed as he nodded once and hung his head. “You don’t think it’s hard for me?” He muttered shrewdly.
“I guess I just feel like you have this life now—a life that I’m not a part of.”
I turned my body to face him when he didn’t speak, surprised by the pained expression he wore.
“You are a part of everything I do. You’re more than just a best friend to me Sway. You’re a part of me whether you want to be or not, it’s just who I’ve become.”
I smiled as a tear slid down my check. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. The words were there, I wanted to speak them, tell him how much I loved him...but chariness routed me. I couldn’t form the words. For someone who was determined to live each day to its fullest, I was becoming really good at charlatanry.
There was a droning silence with Jameson’s phone vibrating obsessively before he leaned over and kissed my check.
“I have to go, honey.” He pulled back, his hand rose to my cheek as he thumb ran over my lower lip. “Take care of yourself.”
I nodded, unable to choke out anything else and he once again opened his mouth as though he was going to speak and then sighed. He took a deep breath and then pulled away. This time he didn’t look back, he reached for his bag and left.
Watching him walk away, I remembered my most important question, why he was here in the first place. He never said but it seemed so urgent and unplanned. I sent him a text.
Wait! You never told me why you came all this way.
I watched him closely as he trudged toward the plane, his back was turned to me but I saw him reach inside his jacket for his phone.
The loud thumping of my heartbeat drowned out the roaring of the jet’s engine.
Jameson stopped going up the steps of the plane, to glance back at me, wearing the same expression he wore in the truck...sadness...confliction...I couldn’t place it.
I got out and continued to walk to the plane, the rain blurred my vision of him but I could tell he was still standing there.
Dropping his bag at his feet, he jogged to meet me halfway. I kept it together, crying that is, and wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. He pulled me snug against his chest, his strong arms wound around me, pressing his face against my neck.
His lips brushed across my skin as he spoke softly.
“I just needed to see you. I needed to know...needed to remember what’s real.” The low resonance of his voice sent shivers down my spine.
Have you ever thought about when your life is changing paths? Do you see it happening or do you feel it? Whether the change it somatic or not, you feel it some way. It can be something someone says to you, or something they do.
In this case, it was the words spoken.
I would forever be what’s real to him. I needed to make him see I was real. I wasn’t just a pit lizard, I was his pit lizard. Never wanting to be a distraction, I failed to understand that it was never the distraction he didn’t need, it was the opposite actually, and he needed a coil spring system. He needed someone who was simplistically indulgent to what he really was. I needed to see past the imperfections and see him for who he was, perfect. In racing terms, I needed to remove the hood pins and see what he was running under the hood to understand the intricacy of him.
From the time we were eleven, that’s all I’ve ever saw. I saw the gritty pessimistic man that saw the world the way he wanted, one left turn at a time. I saw him for who was, who he wasn’t and who he wanted to be.
25. Torsion Bars – Jameson
Torsion Bars – Torsion bars are the most common type of suspension used on sprint cars. Used on all four corners of a sprint car, they provide the link between the chassis and track surface. Made from alloy steel, the bars can be solid or hollow with most teams preferring them to be hollow. Hollow bars are essentially lighter, with the hole through the center. This creates two surfaces giving the bar a faster sprint rate than that of a solid bar, meaning they rebound faster.
Just the same as a torsion bar, you can only go one direction for so long before something gives.
That was me and suddenly I was being asked to twist the wrong direction.
I never thought Sway would feel the same way, prayed she didn’t feel the same way. The way she trembled from my touch, leaned into my kiss, sighed when I held her, she felt the same as I. That scared me. It was never that I didn’t want her. It was that I didn’t want her to love me.
I kept my promise to Charlie. I didn’t say anything and if I was being honest; I couldn’t have told Sway he was dying anyway. That’s something he needs to say. I can’t even tell the girl I love her let alone tell her something as life altering as that her father is dying.
If that were my dad, I would want him to tell me. Lost in thoughts of Charlie, Sway and torsion bars, Wes came over the speaker to tell me we’d be descending into the Talladega Municipal Airport soon.
When I turned my cell phone back on I noticed a new text message from Sway.
Call me when you land. Good luck at practice.
My stomach churned thinking of her. The cold claw grabbed my insides again and again as I tried to reason with myself, telling me she wasn’t mine. She never was mine. She never would be mine with the lifestyle I had. What could I possible offer her besides complicated?
It’s not my place to get all stomach-achy over her.
I spent the entire plane ride home telling myself I was fine, and I was. I was just trying to relate my life to a sprint car set-up, the only thing that made sense to me.
By the time I reached Talladega that afternoon, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. Every time I saw her, I wanted more. One kiss le
ft me wanting more, one touch always turned into more. Since Kyle noticed the sexual attraction between us, I thought about it constantly. Maybe she did want to have sex with me. Even the other night when we were on her floor, she didn’t stop me, I did. Believe me; I wanted to continue but it felt wrong. It felt like I was just there for that. I didn’t want her to think I just flew in to fuck her and then leave. Not that we ever had before but it felt too much like that’s what it could be construed as.
I didn’t give much thought to my decision. I only knew I wanted more from her. The only reasonable option was to let it happen naturally. I knew we had a sexual attraction and I saw the way she watched me as well as the way she responded to my touch but I also wasn’t sure it went beyond that. She couldn’t have those feelings for me because I’m an asshole. She loved me, that much was obvious, but relationship love, that’s different. I knew well that physical and emotional love was entirely different.
No women in their right mind could stand me. Look at the women in my life now. Emma called me an asshole daily, Alley thought I needed anger management and my mom, well she thought I was perfect but she didn’t count.
So who could stand me? I could hardly stand myself sometimes.
But, we had the sexual attraction so if we had that, maybe someday she would want more. Maybe someday there could be a place for us. What’s the harm in starting with physical love first?
I called her before practice began to let her know I made it to Talladega. She seemed down and to be fair, I sounded the same with the goblin running rampant in my gut.
I could hear commotion in the background and wondered who was with her, hopeful it was not Blake.
“Who’s there?”
“Tommy.” She sighed frustrated. “He’s eating all my food.”
We got on the topic of some of my recent interviews when she called bullshit on me. I denied the fact that I nicknamed “Rowdy Riley” now.
“It’s on Wikipedia Jameson.” She said with absolute solemnity, “therefore it’s valid.”