by C. T. Musca
The movie begins and I am immediately enthralled. I don’t even notice Shane place his hand on my leg until he sort of squeezes it. As soon as he does, I put my hand on top of his. I get a feeling in my stomach that is similar to the drop on a roller coaster. We watch the remainder of the movie this way and I am not sure whether his hand had anything to do with it, but I think it’s the best movie I have ever seen.
When we get out of the theatre, we walk outside where Dad is supposed to pick me up. We have about ten minutes before he’s going to be there, and I hope that Shane will kiss me. We talk about the movie, but I am only thinking about him kissing me. And then he does and that feeling that I had earlier comes back again—sort of a rush in my abdomen. He kisses me for a few minutes but stops as he knows my dad will be coming soon. My gum is now separated in my mouth, and I nonchalantly try to gather all of the pieces with my tongue and chew normally. How mortifying it would be to smile with a piece of gum stuck on my front tooth.
He asks me if I’d like to go out again, and of course I agree. I see Dad’s Buick turn onto the street. I ask him if he needs a ride home, but he says he’ll just walk, as he lives close by. I think the thought of meeting my dad intimidates him, which I understand; I wouldn’t want to meet his parents on our first date either.
Dad stops the car and I jump in. He asks about my date and the movie, which I have to lie about. I try to keep it incredibly general so that I am not really being untruthful. He asks about Amanda and I realize I hadn’t thought about her at all during my date. I’m angry with myself for not cancelling the date or thinking about her during it. I feel like a terrible friend.
When we get home, I immediately call Amanda. She answers on the first ring and says, “How’d it go?” She obviously knows it’s me.
“Good, but more important, how’s your mom?”
“She’s doing all right. The doctors said that her recovery could take a little time, but that all of her tests came back and things look good. They think she’ll recover completely.” I can hear the relief in her voice. She sounds so much different than she sounded the last time we spoke.
“That’s wonderful, Amanda. I knew she’d be okay; she had to be.”
“Yeah, we’re pretty relieved, even though she still has trouble with her vision. It might take a little time before she can go back to work, but the doctor is very optimistic. So, tell me about your date with Shane.”
“Amanda, we can talk about that later. I just want to be sure you’re all right.”
“Seriously, Ton, I’m good now. Tell me about it. It’ll do me good to get my mind off the day I had. I swear I haven’t cried that much since my nana died.”
“It was awesome! He is so sweet. And he kissed me!”
“I want to hear all about it from beginning to end. Omit no details.”
I give her a step-by-step account of the night and she adds oohs and aahs where appropriate. She is more than happy for me and I can’t help but feel so lucky to have such an amazing friend, who thinks of me even though she is going through such a difficult time. I have a terrific family who would do anything for me, and now I kinda have a boyfriend who is cute and smart. After I get off the phone, I think about everything and fall asleep totally content.
Winter 2010
“You’re not serious?” Sandy is adamantly opposed to me being alone for Christmas.
“Yes, Sandy, I am. It’s not that big a deal. I am a grown woman and I’ll be fine.” I am not really sure what else to say.
“Well, you should at least go and see Dad. He really misses you.”
“I know. I will. Be sure to give Anna a great big kiss for me. I sent her a card with a Walmart gift certificate. You should be getting it this week.”
“Thanks, Tonya. Will you still be coming for her sixth birthday? She is really looking forward to having you there.”
“Yes, I have already booked the Thursday and Friday off work. I will see you in less than two months. Is Dale going to be there?”
“No. He can do his own thing with her. I don’t know if I’m being selfish about it, but I’m the one who organized everything and helped Anna with the invitations, and then he’ll show up with Vivian and act like they had a hand in the day’s events. I’m not about to let that happen. Besides, he’s the one who decided to end our marriage with that whore. Sorry, still bitter.”
Before she gets off the phone she tries to convince me again to come for Christmas. I know she means well, but I don’t mind being alone for the holidays. Besides, I only get five days off and I don’t really want to spend two of them travelling to Montreal.
I do decide, though, that I will see Dad just after Christmas. I call him and he sounds overjoyed to hear from me. I feel guilty that I haven’t been more in touch with him. He said that anytime I decide to come down will be perfect. We settle on the twenty-seventh, and he insists that I stay the night at his place and not at a hotel, which I’ve done in the past. His condo is an incredibly small one-bedroom that has a pull-out couch in the office for when I visit—which isn’t often. When I do stay there, I don’t really sleep. Dad’s condo backs onto a very busy street, and it feels like the whole house shakes when a truck passes. And then there is the heat. He leaves his place at twenty-three degrees and I can feel the sheets sticking to me as I toss and turn all night. But I know he prefers when I stay with him. It’s almost as though he thinks I’m still a kid and I need to save my money and be waited on. I will go and stay with him.
The last few days of work are how they always are at this time of year. Everyone talks about his or her plans for the holidays. I hear of visitors and menus, and from the young patients, of Santa and presents. I suppose they can’t be blamed; Dr. Roerke frequently begins his conversations asking the patients about their Christmas activities. People often ask me as they are waiting to pay, which I find forward. I presume that people don’t like the silence, so they’d rather be pushy and intrusive than quiet and uncomfortable. I’d prefer the opposite.
Patrick and Cindy laugh a lot together, although I think they’re just friends. Dr. Roerke no longer flirts with Cindy, and I have to say, I definitely appreciate that. Deb is her usual cheerful self—even more so at this time of year. She says there’s nothing better than seeing her kids’ faces on Christmas morning. I remember being that child with a smile on mine.
I spend Christmas day just as I would any other Saturday. I get up, do some cleaning and laundry. I even go out for a morning jog. There’s no one around and the streets are bare. I can run where there is no snow and do not feel confined to the sidewalks. When I get back, I decide that today I will have my favourite meals and not worry about calories. I never used to worry about calories or fat—that is until I turned thirty-four. I was able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and things just stayed the same. After a while, I started to notice that my shirts were getting a little tighter and that I had to move up a cup size—unless I wanted to look like Cindy and have some major cleavage. So I joined the gym close to my apartment and started going regularly. I was pretty self-conscious at first. Sandy told me ‘no one’s looking at you’, but honestly, the men and the women were checking out everyone in that place. Things got much better for me when I decided to bring an ipod and tune out the world around me. Cindy tried to get me to join her volleyball league, saying that it wasn’t competitive and was a lot of fun, but I prefer exercising alone, not as a team. But today, I am not going to worry about any of that. I’m going to have eggs benedict for breakfast and fettuccine alfredo for dinner.
I did all of my shopping yesterday evening, since no stores are open today. I love the fact that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go all day. I can stay in my pyjamas for hours.
Just as I am finishing making my breakfast, I hear a knock at the door. Fuck.
First of all, my eggs and coffee are ready and hot—and I hate when they get cold—and second, I can’t really hide. I’m sure it’s Rosanna or Louis, the super, coming to wish me
a merry Christmas. I feel obligated to answer.
I open the door. It’s Rosanna and a young guy, who must be the nephew she was telling me about a few months ago.
“Hi, Rosanna. Merry Christmas.” I try to sound jovial, but underneath I’m sorry I answered the door.
“Hi doll, Merry Christmas!” She leans in to hug me. “This is my nephew Ryan who I told you about.” Ryan is quite tall and he has light brown hair. He is wearing khaki pants with a white dress shirt. It actually still has the folds in it, which indicates that he took it out of its package this morning. I am not really in a position to judge, however, seeing as I’m not even dressed.
“Nice to meet you,” I say, extending my hand. Really, it’s anything but nice to meet him. It’s awkward, embarrassing, and I feel slightly sweaty under my pyjamas.
“You too. My aunt can’t stop talking about you.” His voice is awfully low, and it doesn’t make him attractive. It actually lessens his somewhat pleasant appearance.
I am not sure what to do or say next. It’s almost noon and I’m not dressed. My hair, one of my best features, is just tied on the top of my head. The smell of eggs can’t be contained in my apartment. I just want to shut the door and end this uncomfortable meeting.
“Can you come over to my apartment for dinner tonight, doll?” Rosanna really wants this thing to work between us. She’s sweet, but my God, Ryan’s a kid.
“Thanks for the invitation, but I’m busy.” I don’t expand. I don’t have a specific lie ready so this vague one will have to suffice.
“Okay, if your plans fall through, come on over.” I am surprised she is just leaving it at that, although I’m not complaining.
“Thanks so much. And good to meet you, Ryan.” I am sure when they get back to her apartment, he’ll be giving Rosanna trouble for suggesting that I’d be a good match for him. I can look attractive when I put in a little effort, but I definitely do not look it now. I am not wearing any makeup, giving me the appearance of being well into my forties, even though my pyjamas, having penguins all over them, may suggest otherwise.
When I go to eat my brunch, my eggs and coffee are lukewarm, which aggravates me. It’s the thing I have been looking forward to the most on this day, but I won’t let it get me down. I am alone with no one to bother me, and I don’t have any awkward dinners to attend. I can do exactly what I want to do today.
And that’s when I get the phone call.
“Hi, Tonya. It’s Jack.”
I get chills and feel anxious. I don’t answer.
“Look, Tonya. I didn’t want to call you. It’s Bob. He’s very upset today. I know you’re planning on coming down in a few days, but I just thought I’d let you know, in case you’d like to come earlier.” He waits. When I don’t answer, he says, “I tried calling Sandy, but she’s not answering.”
“Okay.” And I hang up.
I go into my bedroom and pack my bag and get ready to visit my dad. As I am about to leave I see my plate of half-eaten eggs on the coffee table. I discard them and throw the plate in the sink. As I leave my apartment, I realize that now if I see Rosanna, I am not a liar.
Fall 1989
“Okay, I’ve got it,” I call from my room. I pick up the phone and am a little disappointed when I realize it’s not Shane. He said he’d call this afternoon and it’s nearly four now.
“Hey Tonya. It’s me, Kait. Do you think your dad can pick me up tonight? My mom has to work and she said I’d have to find my own ride if I want to go to Derek’s party.”
“Yeah, no problem. We’re picking up Amanda at eight, so we’ll swing by after that. Hey, what are you wearing?”
“I think I’m just going to wear jeans and maybe my red sweater. I don’t think people are dressing up even though it’s technically a Christmas party.”
“Okay, see you later.” I hang up, hoping Shane didn’t get a busy signal while I was on the phone. Things have been going really well and I am looking forward to spending time with him tonight. It’s our two month anniversary.
Moments later, the phone rings again. I wait until the second ring as I don’t want to appear too anxious, but it’s my dad’s sister, Emma, wanting to speak to Mom. I’m irritated that she stays on for almost a whole hour. I pick up two times, trying to subtly send the message that I need it. The second time I pick up, she orders me to stay off the phone. I guess I wasn’t so subtle.
When we get to the party, I meet up with Shane. He said he had tried to call me but the line was busy; I knew it. Shane gives me one of his beers but I find it difficult to drink. I sip it for nearly an hour, which has made it warm and even more unappealing. I am relieved when Susan arrives, and tells us that she’s brought some peach schnapps. Some of the people at the party are doing mushrooms and I was considering trying them before Susan got there. Amanda told me they made her laugh like crazy when she did them, but I really didn’t want to chance how they’d make me feel—not tonight anyway.
After a few hours, I realize that I am drunk. I have no idea how much time has passed or when we’ll have to head home, but I don’t really care either. Shane has led me into a bedroom, which looks like a young boy’s room, probably Derek’s brother’s. It’s blue and white and has a border of sailboats on the wall. We start kissing and touching, and although my head spins when I close my eyes, I continue. He has now removed my shirt and bra and the idea that someone might come in and see me doesn’t seem to faze me. I put my hand down his pants and feel him get hard. I am not really sure what to do so I just start rubbing him. I wonder whether I’m gripping too tightly, but I am encouraged when his breathing gets heavier.
“Should I get a condom,” he asks in a whisper.
This question sobers me. “I don’t think so.” I pull my hand out of his pants.
“Why not? I like you so much.”
“I do too but I just don’t think I am ready.” As I say it I feel a twinge of panic. I can’t help but wonder if he’d break up with me if I didn’t. I quickly dismiss this unpleasant thought. “Are you okay if we wait a little while?”
“Of course,” he reassures me. He kisses me softly on the lips but I can tell I have ruined the mood. He makes some excuse that he has to find his friend to make sure he doesn’t leave without him. He tells me again that things are fine and that he really likes having me as his girlfriend.
I immediately find Amanda and pull her into the bathroom to tell her everything that just happened. She relieves me when she tells me that Shane’s best friend was telling her how much he likes me. I decide not to let this bother me anymore.
Greg offers to drive us home even though we know he’s been drinking. I don’t want to get in trouble for being late so we accept. Amanda is staying at my place and Kaitlyn doesn’t have a curfew, since her mom is working.
“Did you have fun?” I ask Amanda as we are lying in our beds in my room.
“Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Did you see Dan? He was there with Mackenzie. I don’t know what he sees in her, but whatever.” I can tell she’s jealous and still has feelings for him. He started dating Mackenzie, a girl in our grade, shortly after he slept with Amanda. They’ve been together ever since, which has surprised almost everyone, including his friends. When they first started dating, Amanda was pretty upset, questioning what Mackenzie had that she didn’t. I told her that Mackenzie lacks a backbone and lets Dan do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I assumed this would make Amanda feel better, but I think she started regretting that she wasn’t more like that.
“I don’t know either; that guy is not right in the head. You can do so much better than him, that’s for sure.”
“I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find a good guy—like you did,” she says. She hasn’t really had a boyfriend since eighth grade, even though she could. I think she’s too picky or attracted to the wrong type of guy—or both.
“Are you kidding? Of course you will. I could name you five guys right now who’d love to hook up with you! And I saw Derek check
ing you out tonight.”
“Oh my God, don’t make me hurl! That guy is disgusting. And what is with his hand always hanging over his crotch? Seriously, that guy’s weird!”
We talk and laugh more about all of the people at the party and any of the details the other may have missed. I am not actually sure who fell asleep first, but I think it must have been me. The last thing I remember is having a conversation about what my future would be like if I married Shane. I remember thinking that I would be happy.
Winter 2010
The drive to Dad’s seems longer than usual, but maybe it’s because I haven’t done it in a while. I have my travel mug filled with coffee and the radio on. It appears as though no one is working at the radio stations today because all of the music is Christmas music—the songs they play every year, over and over again—and there are no breaks from one song to the next. Even though there is music, the lack of a DJ makes it seem lonely and isolated.
I have never really liked Christmas music, but I guess that’s because I have never liked this time of year. That’s not completely true. I did like it when I was a kid, but not since high school have I ever felt great joy during this season. There was a time when I only saw the favourable parts of Christmas—the food, the presents, the singing and laughter. Now I notice the exploitation—and the reality—of the holiday. I observe selfishness and greed, poverty and loneliness. I suppose we perceive what we want to perceive.
I think of Anna, who has everything a kid could ask for and more. The fact that she has two houses has actually made that worse. It’s as though her parents are competing to be the “better” parent, thereby spoiling her. I gave her a beautiful glass jewellery box last year for her birthday and she simply unwrapped it and tossed it aside. My sister told her to give me a big hug and kiss, but I knew she probably wished I had gotten her another one of the “pet shop” animals that everyone else had gotten her.