“A what?”
“A premonition is a thought that ends up coming true. Because I’m here now.”
“Oh yeah. That’s freaky.”
“I know. Hey—what do you see in your mind when you dream?”
“I don’t see anything. I hear things and feel them, just like I do when I’m awake.”
“Wow. That’s fascinating.”
I guess it was silly to think he could see things in his dreams if he’d never seen them in real life. I’d never thought about the dreams of people born blind before.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask Ollie, but I was always afraid to offend him somehow.
As if he could read my mind, he asked, “You want to ask me something?”
Damn. “How did you know that?” I grinned.
“The way you said ‘wow’ and then you just stopped talking, like you were thinking about what I said.”
He was so perceptive.
I laughed. “You got me. There’s a lot I’m curious about when it comes to your blindness. I just don’t want to bore you with my questions.”
“Nobody ever wants to talk to me about it. The kids from school who are like me don’t have to ask me questions because they know the answers. But adults, like, people we know or people in the street? It’s like they’re afraid.” He shrugged. “You can ask me.”
“I think people are afraid to be rude sometimes. It’s not really any of their business, even if they’re curious. But since you gave me permission to be nosy, maybe I’ll ask you some questions I’ve been wondering about.”
“Okay.”
“One thing I wonder is if you try to imagine what everything you encounter looks like.”
He thought about it for a moment before he said, “Sometimes, but it kind of freaks me out. I don’t know if I would want to know. Sometimes I think seeing things would be strange. I can’t imagine what that would be like.”
He was born blind, so that made sense. Not being able to see was all he knew. The concept of sight was probably overwhelming—all the lights and strange-ass people.
Still, I had to know. “If given a choice, would you want to see?”
He blinked several times. “Probably. I guess if I didn’t like it, I could just close my eyes. My eyes are closed half the time now anyway because I don’t need them.”
“You got a good point there, little dude. I never thought of it that way.” The questions kept popping into my head. “How come you don’t have a guide dog?”
“I could have one, but I don’t really go anywhere far away. Eden is with me, and if I’m not gonna be with her, I can use a pointer stick to feel things out.”
My dirty mind heard pointer stick and Eden and wandered to last night—feeling her out with my pointer stick. Last night was incredible.
I shook my head to bring myself back to the present. “So, you don’t need a dog then.”
I was ready to go buy him one.
“Eden says someday I might need one when I’m a little older and go more places without her.”
“Cool. I just wondered if there was a reason you didn’t have one.”
Ollie flashed an impish grin. “You want to see what I think you look like?”
“Uh…sure.”
“I drew you.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. Let me get it.” He walked over to his desk and brought over a piece of construction paper. The drawing was unidentifiable. Actually, it looked sort of like a big cock with hair and eyes.
“This is how you envision me?” I chuckled.
“Yeah. I don’t know why. I don’t really know what you look like, but I have this idea. It’s weird. I don’t think I can even explain it.”
I can: I look like a big fucking dick to you.
“What does my drawing look like?” he asked.
“Um…I think if I squint my eyes enough, I can see myself in it. But it’s sort of like a…cylinder with eyes and hair. A great guess.” I handed him back the paper. “It’s fascinating to see what your imagination comes up with.”
“I understand shapes, but I don’t know colors. I don’t know the difference between white or black, blue or red, or anything else. They’re all just names to me.”
It hit me that in Ollie’s world, there was no such thing as judging someone by the color of their skin. If only everyone could live that way without having to lose their sight.
“You make movies, right?” he asked.
His question amused me. “I try. Yeah.”
“Action movies are great for people who can see and all, but someone like me? I need to hear things, listen to people talk. If a movie is mostly stuff you’re supposed to be watching and not hearing, I can’t enjoy it. You should make more movies I can listen to.”
Letting that sink in, I had a light-bulb moment. “I don’t think that’s something we consider enough. You’re right.”
Eden yelled from across the house, “Pancakes are ready!”
We joined her for breakfast in the kitchen, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ollie’s words.
After we ate, I excused myself to step outside. I needed to call my father. I needed to tell him about my realization.
He picked up. “Son, where are you? Lorena said you were out of town for the weekend. You’re not back in Utah, are you?”
“Yes, I am.” I scratched my head. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Alright…”
“Have you ever considered what it might be like for someone to experience one of our movies if they couldn’t see?”
After a pause, he said, “Well, movies are visual, so I suppose I haven’t really thought about that, no.”
Pacing along the sidewalk, I said, “That’s an incorrect perception. Movies aren’t just visual. They’re comprised of sounds and good dialogue, and we’re making a mistake when we start to undermine how important those other things are. Think about it. If you close your eyes in the middle of a scene where there’s nothing but visual elements, what’s there? Nothing! Someone should be able to enjoy a movie even with their eyes closed. How could we not be taking this into consideration? For every compelling image in a movie, we need to match that with equally compelling dialogue and sounds.”
“Where is this coming from?”
Over the next few minutes, I told Dad about Ollie, about how I’d grown close to him and how he’d caused me to look at the world differently.
My father listened to every word. He was always very set in his ways, but surprisingly, he seemed open to my suggestion. “Interesting. Well, you know, when your mother was losing her sight due to the cancer, this never even dawned on me. Perhaps it should’ve.”
“Yeah. Just something we need to keep in mind.”
“I’ve never heard you so passionate about anything. I can see you’ve really grown attached to this kid—and his sister.”
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen, Dad. I’m just taking it one day at a time. But yeah, I really like being here with them.”
He let out a long sigh into the phone. “You’re a good man, Ryder. I don’t tell you that enough. I know I can be hard on you, and I see how hard you try to please me. I’m proud of you, son.”
Wow. Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting that to come out of this phone call. But it was nice.
“Thank you, Dad.”
“Now, figure out a way to get this girl out to L.A.”
I chuckled. “Not that simple.”
“Alright, well, keep me posted on when to expect you home. And I will take what you said today into consideration. Maybe I’ll even task you with creating a team to assess how much we balance the use of visual and non-visual elements in our films.”
“I would love to take that on.”
“Very good, then. Have a good rest of the weekend.”
“You, too, Dad. Try to take a break.”
“Love you, son.”
“Love you, too.”
When
I walked back into the house, Eden was alone in the kitchen. Ollie must have returned to his room.
My mood was apparently obvious to her. “Why are you smiling?” she asked.
“I just had a nice conversation with my father. And that’s pretty rare.” Grinning from ear to ear, I said, “It actually had a lot to do with Ollie.”
“Aw, really?”
“Yeah, some stuff he helped me realize about movies. I’ll fill you in later. Right now, I just want to kiss you.”
After devouring Eden’s mouth for a few minutes, I grabbed her and spun her around. I was feeling content, just so happy to be here in Utah with her.
“You trying to dance with me, Mr. McNamara?”
“Why not? I think we’re overdue for a dance, Ms. Shortsleeve.”
I wrapped my arm behind her back, and Eden placed her hand in mine as we swayed to the non-existent music. We didn’t seem to miss it or need it.
Later that night, the three of us sat down and watched a movie I’d chosen from an online list of films that were deemed to be heavy on narration—“blind-friendly.” Ollie had seen most of the movies on the list, except for Forrest Gump, so that’s what we watched.
The fact that Forrest Gump had also been my mother’s favorite movie wasn’t lost on me.
CHAPTER TWENTY
* * *
EDEN
That Sunday morning started as normally as any day did with Ryder here.
He and I had stayed up late into the night having amazing sex. I’d skipped camming to spend the full evening with him.
We woke up before Ollie to have some private time over coffee, and Ryder had decided to stay for a long weekend until Monday. He couldn’t take much more time off of work right now, but I was happy for any time we got with him, even if it was just a few days.
He was pouring cream into his mug when he looked down at his phone.
Picking it up and staring at the screen, he said, “Hmm. That’s odd.”
“What?”
“I missed a few calls from Lorena while we were sleeping. My ringer was off. And now she just texted me to call her.”
“Lorena is your housekeeper, right?”
“Yeah.” He looked concerned. “Hang on. I’m just gonna see if everything is okay.”
I watched as he dialed her.
“Lorena, hey. I just got your message.” After a bit of a pause, he said, “Why do you want me to sit down?”
My heart beat faster as Ryder slowly sank into one of the kitchen chairs.
The next few minutes were a blur. His breathing became labored as he listened to the call.
Ryder’s voice was shaky. “What? How could—how could this be?” Suddenly, his lip trembled. “No,” he whispered, then shut his eyes tightly.
Oh my God.
What is happening?
Panicking, I rushed over to him and placed my hands around his shoulders. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew he needed my support.
“Are you sure?” he asked her.
Several minutes passed as he silently listened. Then he hung up the phone and tossed it aside. He placed both hands around his head and looked at me. It seemed to take forever for the words to come out. And when they did, it was like a sucker punch.
“My father died.”
I put my hand on my heart.
Oh no.
No.
Tears filled my eyes. Not knowing what else to do, I held him. “Oh, Ryder.”
He looked up at me in a daze, like he couldn’t believe he was saying the words. “Heart attack. His housekeeper found him this morning. She called Lorena to get in touch with me. It happened in his sleep.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
The right words completely escaped me. I knew better than anyone that life could change in an instant. I knew how devastating it was to lose someone so suddenly. Ryder was an only child. His mother had already passed. His father was his entire world. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt.
He held on to me for dear life. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do, Eden.”
I wished I knew how to respond. His pain was palpable—so much so that my own body physically ached.
“I have to get on the next plane,” he muttered.
He got up and ventured into my bedroom.
Feeling totally helpless, I asked, “Are you okay to drive to the airport? I’ll wake Ollie, and we can drive you there in your rental.”
“No. Don’t do that. I don’t want to upset him. I’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure?”
He exhaled. “Physically, anyway. Yeah.”
The hurt in my chest was almost too much to bear. “I’d do anything to make this go away right now. Please tell me what I can do for you.”
Ryder hadn’t brought anything with him, since his trip out here was impulsive. He’d gone to the store yesterday to buy a few items of clothing for the rest of the weekend, along with a small duffel bag.
I followed him around the room like a lost puppy as he grabbed his things.
We walked to the door together in silence. I knew I would never forget this moment. It was utterly heartbreaking.
Not wanting to let him go, I kissed him harder than I ever had. The words I love you were at the tip of my tongue. I wanted so badly to say them, but I was afraid to make this moment about me or anything else. I also didn’t want him to associate the first time I said it with his father’s death. This was neither the time nor place to introduce those words.
He opened the front door, then lingered at the threshold as he rested his forehead against mine.
“Please keep in touch with me,” I said. “Call or text me if you don’t feel like talking. Just let me know you’re okay.”
Tears fell down my cheeks and onto his. He wiped them with his thumb before kissing me one last time. It felt like a tornado of sadness was spinning inside of me.
And then he was gone.
***
I was staring at Ryder’s full cup of now-cold coffee still sitting on my table when Ollie finally woke up and walked into the kitchen.
“I don’t hear Ryder,” he said.
A part of me wanted to keep what had happened from him, because I was afraid it would hit too close to home. There was really no way I could do that, though. I needed to tell him.
“Come here, Ollie.”
“What happened? Did you fight with him?”
“No. Come here. Sit on my lap. I have to tell you something.”
He could tell by the tone of my voice that something was wrong. “What happened?”
I just came out with it. “Ryder’s dad died.”
His breath hitched. “What? Oh no.”
“I know. It was sudden. Just happened last night.”
“How?”
“He had a heart attack.”
He took a few moments to process before he asked, “Is Ryder sad?”
“Yes. I think he’s still in shock.”
“Was he crying?” he asked.
“No,” I whispered.
Ollie’s eyes opened. He kept them closed a lot, but sometimes when he was stressed, he would open them. “What can we do, Eden?”
“We just have to let him know we care and that we’ll be here for him if he needs us.”
He paused before wiping his eye quickly. He didn’t want me to notice he was crying.
“It’s okay to cry,” I said. “I know how much you care about Ryder.”
Rubbing his back, I let him process his thoughts.
He finally turned to face me. “He doesn’t have anyone. We lost Mom, but I have you, and you have me. Ryder doesn’t have anyone.”
Ollie’s genuine concern both broke my heart and warmed it. I knew Ryder had spoken to my brother about them both losing their mothers.
“We’re not his family, but we can be here for him. He’ll be okay, Ollie. It will just take time. A lot of time. It’s gonna be really hard for him for a
while.”
So much of Ryder’s life revolved around his father. I knew in my heart he was never going to be the same.
***
Ryder texted me to let me know he’d returned to Los Angeles safely. Other than that, I hadn’t heard from him and didn’t expect to for a while. I’d sent him a lengthy email to let him know I was thinking of him. I knew I needed to give him space while he dealt with everything back home.
The following day at Ellerby’s, I was barely able to complete basic tasks. Unable to stop thinking about Ryder, I eventually broke down in the kitchen.
Camille happened to notice me wiping my tears.
“Eden, what’s going on? Is everything okay with Ollie?”
“Yes. Everything is fine with him.”
“What, then?”
I sniffled and grabbed a tissue. “You remember Ryder?”
“Yes. Young Paul Newman with the gorgeous eyes? How could I forget? He hurt you? I’ll kill him.”
“No. Nothing like that.” I took a deep breath and said, “His father died suddenly.”
Camille frowned. “Oh man, I’m so sorry.”
“He got the call yesterday while he was visiting for the weekend. He’s an only child and already lost his mom to cancer. I’m so devastated for him that I can’t think straight, can’t even do my job today.”
She covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh honey.”
“It’s killing me that I can’t be there for him.”
“Why can’t you?”
I looked at her like she was crazy for even asking. “I can’t just fly to L.A. on a whim.”
“Why not?”
“Lots of reasons. Ollie’s never been on a plane. He’s scared to fly. And even if I drove, I can’t drag him around a strange city, can’t take him to a funeral.”
“There’s got to be a way.” She pursed her lips and seemed to be thinking. “How about if I stay at your house for a couple days, watch Ollie for you?”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“Yes, you can. Are you forgetting that I looked after him once before? He survived, didn’t he?”
I actually had forgotten that. Ethan had surprised me with an overnight trip to Arizona during the first year we were dating. He’d spoken to Camille about how best to surprise me, and she’d offered to watch Ollie for the night. It had been the first time I’d ever left my brother with anyone, and I remember being super nervous about it. It had all worked out in the end, though. We came home, and Ollie was still in one piece.
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