by C. A. Harms
“Why?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. “Why would you invite her, Kole? After what she did to me when I needed her most. All this time she could have come to me and reconciled, and she didn’t. What the hell were you thinking? I don’t need you pushing this relationship between her and me.” She sniffled. “She walked away from me without a second thought. She made that choice. She left me.”
I let my arms fall to my sides in defeat.
I knew I fucked up big this time. Now, the question of “how the hell could I fix it” was running through my mind.
Chapter 13
Lexi
I was so angry. How could he invite her and not warn me? She shoved me out of her life when I needed her.
When my world was at its darkest, she deserted me.
I had so much anger for her that I still couldn’t get past it all. Both of my parents deserted me and I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive either one of them.
“I’m sorry, Lex. I should have talked to you first. I’m so sorry.”
My own anger overpowered every other emotion inside me. Years of frustration and a sense of abandonment came at me full force. I was trying to fight the anger I felt toward Kole, but I couldn’t get past it. I felt like he deceived me. I needed someone to blame. I needed someone to lash out at.
I had to get this anger out of me.
I needed to scream and cry.
I needed to fight it; I had to put my defenses up.
I had to protect myself.
“Do you care how much you’ve hurt me?” I asked. “What possessed you to think this was a good idea?” He started to talk and I struck out quickly. I lunged forward and pounded on his chest with such hate filling my own. I was blinded by years of pain and the man I loved was paying the price for all the wrongs throughout my life.
“How could you do this to me? How could you put me through this? She turned her back on me and left me in the hospital after I lost…” My voice cracked and I couldn’t even say the word “baby.” “She walked away from me and didn’t even care that I was pregnant because of a rape and not promiscuous acts. Don’t pretend you know what’s best for me when it comes to her and me. You have no idea what I went through when she walked out on me. You don’t know how hard it was to accept that she could turn her back on her own daughter so easily. The only person that can make the choice of ever letting her back in is me, not some fantasy of happy afters.”
I gripped his shirt in my fists looking up at him. “I can’t be near you right now; I need space!”
I turned to Megan, “Please take me home,” I told her as I walked past Kole, leaving him standing alone as Megan followed me to the parking lot.
She called Radley to bring out the keys and my purse. She tried to whisper, but I heard her as she told Radley what happened. She asked him to go find Kole and make sure he was okay.
It made me feel better. I was made at him yes, but I still loved him so much that the thought of him alone left an ache in me. Only I was too stubborn to let my own anger go.
When we pulled up to the apartment I got out quickly. Megan turned off the car and started to follow me inside and I began to shake my head.
“No, I wanna be alone.” She looked saddened by my brush off. “Right now I can’t do the girly ‘midnight talk.’ I can’t pretend that everything hasn’t just shifted within my heart. I can’t be around anyone right now.” I knew if anyone could understand the things going on inside my head right now, it would be Megan. “Just let Kole stay with you and Radley. I need to be by myself tonight, please.”
I turned toward my apartment and she watched from behind as I unlocked the door. When I was safely inside and shut off the porch light, I heard her start the car. I found my way toward the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. I curled up into a ball and began crying.
My mother’s last words all those years ago were running around over and over in my head.
“Pregnant? That’s great. How the hell does this look for me? I have a daughter that got knocked up right out of high school. Do you even know who the father is?” Disgust laced her words. “You’re going to end up on welfare, bouncing from guy to guy. First your father runs off with his secretary and now my daughter has turned into a god damn slut.” I still flinched each time I replayed the day. “You wanna run around town spreading your legs for every guy who shows you attention? You want to be a slut, fine, but you sure as hell aren’t living with me. Pack your shit and get the hell out of my house.” I watched my mother turn and walk out of the hospital room.
She didn’t even allow me to explain.
I went through the DNC alone and devastated. I called Megan after the procedure, asking her to come and get me still feeling numb.
When I got home the next day my mother was gone. I found my clothes bagged up sitting on my bed. I didn’t bother taking anything but a few photos and what my mother had packed; I didn’t want anything else. I left my house key on the counter and walked out.
That was the last time I was home.
My phone beeped in my purse and I ignored it. After a few more times I took it out of my purse and turned it off, dropping it to the floor. I wandered the apartment in a daze. I had no idea what I was doing, I just couldn’t relax. I finally dozed off on the couch in complete darkness.
***
I woke the next morning before 6:00 still wearing the clothes I wore to the party. I mindlessly moved through the hall toward the bedroom to change into sweats.
Gripping my keys tightly in my hand I walked out the door locking it behind me. I drove with no particular place in mind, deliberately leaving my phone at home. I didn’t want to be found. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to share my feelings. I just wanted to shut down and be alone.
I drove for over an hour when I spotted a small café just off the side of the road.
I sat in my car staring straight ahead for over fifteen minutes before finally getting out.
The café was older and smelled of grease. The smell engulfed me the moment I opened the door. Nausea hit me hard and I placed my hand over my mouth. I backed out of the door and jogged to the side of the building quickly. Hunched over, I emptied the contents of my stomach until the painful dry heaves began.
“Hey, hun, are you okay?” I heard a woman’s voice behind me, startling me for a moment. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and turned around, leaning against the building. A sweet middle aged woman wearing an “Andy’s Café” polo shirt peered at me with a look of concern.
I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m pregnant and the smell of the grease was a little overwhelming. Sorry. I tried not to make a scene.”
She laughed. “You didn’t cause a scene, sweetie. I just happened to look up when you opened the door. I saw you turn green and bolt; I just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything.” I thanked her for her concern.
“So how far along are you?”
I shrugged. “I have my first appointment next week. I would say maybe a little over a month. I just took the test recently.”
She smiled a genuine smile. “Well congratulations.”
I thanked her once more and made my way back to the car, pulling out of the parking lot. After stopping at a gas station, I finally got back on the road, driving toward home.
I found the nearest payphone, which wasn’t easy considering they rarely existed anymore, and called Gail’s cell phone.
She wasted no time agreeing to meet me at the park. I needed to talk desperately and I know she immediately sensed the urgency in my voice.
Chapter 14
Kole
“Have you heard anything from her yet?” I paced the floor of our apartment holding the phone to my ear. Megan and I had been trying to find Lexi all morning.
I came home around 8:00 this morning and found her phone on the bedroom floor. Lexi was nowhere to be found and her car was gone.
I had no way to contact her and I was going a little crazy.
&n
bsp; “No, Meg…nothing! I think I’m gonna go drive around some more. It’s almost four o’clock. I’m freaking out here because no one’s heard from her. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I couldn’t handle this. I needed to find her and now.
I hung up the phone, grabbed my keys, and yanked the door open only to stop abruptly. Lexi stood in the doorway staring back at me.
I let out a deep breath and I shrunk to the floor right in the doorway. I reached out my arms, wrapping myself around her legs, seeking security. I felt her hand comb through my hair gently and I lost it. The tears ran down my cheeks as I looked up at her. I saw the hurt in her eyes, but she forced a small smile.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Why are you sorry?” I asked in confusion. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I never should have invited her. I’m sorry I hurt you; that was never my intention.”
Lexi shrunk to the floor with me. “I hit you, Kole,” she cried. “I hit you and said awful things to you. I hate that I did that to you.”
I stood, pulling her into me.
I scooped her into my arms and carried her to our bedroom. When I reached the bed I slowly lowered her to the mattress.
She looked exhausted and it made my chest tighten. This was my fault entirely.
I brought myself to rest next to her and pulled her to my chest. “I love you, Lexi.” I buried my face into her neck and took in the feel of her body. My heart was racing and I had a knot in my stomach that had been there since the moment I came home to find our apartment empty.
I was slowly calming now that she was here with me, but I needed more.
I lowered myself until my face hovered over her stomach. I raised her shirt slowly and kissed her just above her waistline, pressing my forehead to her gently. I took in a deep breath.
“I wish I could fix everything bad that has ever happened to you. I wish that I could take all your pain away.” I couldn’t look at her. I was so pissed at myself. “I don’t want you to hurt. God, I’m so sorry.”
“Kole, look at me, please.” I took another deep breath, because everything inside of me was screaming not to, but I ignored it and looked up at her.
Lexi traced my cheek with her fingertip and I let my eyes close as I allowed myself to feel her touch. “I know you had good intentions. I know you never meant for any of it to hurt me.” Her lower lip trembled as she continued to talk. “I was angry and I took it out on you. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I acted toward you. I know you’d never hurt me. Forgive yourself, please.”
I let my head rest back onto her stomach feeling her skin against my cheek. I fell asleep wrapped tightly around her, and when I woke up it was dark out.
I sat up in bed and watched Lexi asleep next to me. She was so fucking beautiful. I felt the burn again in my throat while I watched her. I couldn’t let go of the look on her face when I found her on the beach last night. What she said to me rang through my head over and over.
I saw the blue light blinking on my phone at the end of the bed. I had a million missed calls and texts from Radley and Megan. I sent out a quick text to everyone letting them know she was home. I couldn’t let everyone keep worrying.
The doorbell rang and I got out of bed quickly doing my best not to wake Lexi.
I opened the door without even looking to avoid the chance of them ringing the bell again. I instantly regretted doing so.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “I don’t think she wants to see you.” Lauren held a box in her hands looking back at me. She seemed saddened, but I don’t think she was surprised.
“I know she doesn’t want to see me. I understand why. I just wanted to drop this stuff off.” She handed me the box she held in her hands.
“What’s all this?” I looked down at the package I now held.
Lauren took a step back as if she felt desperate to put some space between us. “These are things that I should have given Lexi years ago. They’re things that belong to her, that I had no right hiding from her.”
Before I could question her more she turned and walked toward her car.
Before she got inside, she paused and turned to ask me one last question that sank my heart. “He forced her, didn’t he? Matt—he hurt Lexi?” I couldn’t speak because acknowledging the truth always left me feeling raw. I just nodded my head and watched her climb into her car before slowly backing out and driving away.
“What is that?” I turned to find Lexi standing in the hallway. I wondered just how much she’d heard.
She took a step toward me and I closed the front door. I carried the box over to the table setting it down in front of us, wondering if I should have demanded Lauren take the box with her when she left.
I immediately tensed when I opened the box and found Matt’s letters inside. I picked them up and stared at his writing on the front, as if by doing so somehow I could inflict pain on his sorry ass.
I felt Lexi reach past me and into the box, lifting a bundle of envelopes held together by a rubber band. Her hand immediately went to her mouth when she brought the pile closer. “Oh my god,” she gasped as her eyes found mine. “They’re from my dad.”
Lexi hands trembled as she removed the rubber band and dropped the pile to the table. They scattered across the surface and her tears fell heavy.
“He wrote to me.” I took her into my arms and hugged her close. “He never forgot about me…she just hid the truth.” I couldn’t refrain from holding her tightly until her tears slowed.
Lexi fisted my shirt and looked up at me.
“How could she have done this to me? All these years I thought he left me too. I thought he didn’t want me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for my own father.” I watched the tears run down my broken girl’s cheeks and felt helpless to stop them. I had no idea what to say or what to do. I took her hand into mine and began to pull her toward the bedroom.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
I looked back to her. “I think you need a break from everything. You need to rest, let it all sink in.”
She pulled against my hand and I released hers. “No…I wanna read them. I wanna know what he felt all this time. I need to read them, Kole. I have to know.”
I didn’t want her getting upset any more than she already was. She needed to think about the baby and her health. I couldn’t upset her any further, so instead of arguing I just nodded my head in agreement.
I followed Lexi back to the table and took a seat next to her as she began the emotional journey of all the words her father spoke over the years.
Chapter 15
Lexi
Finding out after all this time that my dad had written me and sent cards was overwhelming. I had so much hurt inside from a lifetime of feeling disconnected from my parents. Seeing his words on paper, all his feelings laid out for me to read was unbelievable.
They started shortly after he left and continued until last year. He explained how sorry he was that he hurt my mother. He apologized for not being the father he should’ve been. The letters expressed over and over again how much he loved me and still wanted to be a part of my life.
“He wanted to know me, Kole,” I whispered. “How could she let me miss out on this with him? How could she keep us apart like that? She punished him by hiding me, but in the end she was punishing me too.” He soothingly rubbed my back and watched me silently.
“I have to go see him. I have to go see my dad.” I felt almost manic about the idea.
He nodded his head. “Then we’ll go see him.”
I found myself shaking my head in response, “Kole, you need to stay here. We have things to get done for the wedding and you have the gym. The contractors need you and you have clients.”
He smiled. “I’ll get people to handle everything. You need me and I’m not letting you go alone.”
I leaned forward still holding the last letter in my hands and offered him a gentle kiss. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. I want
you happy, Lex. That’s the most important thing to me.” His love for me at times was still hard to accept. I’d spent a lifetime of feeling as if I just wasn’t enough.
But for Kole, I was.
We went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I let my mind run away from me. I couldn’t let go of the excitement within me. I was going to see my dad.
It’d been nine years and I could still see his smile. The anger I felt toward him all this time now felt undeserved. I curled into Kole’s side and he pulled me closer. Looking up at Kole’s face I watched him while his eyes were closed.
I could tell he was barely awake and I focused on his breathing as it became deeper and deeper until his body relaxed. The arm he had around my waist gave way and his hand slid away from my hip.
***
I woke up to Kole tracing my jaw with his thumb. I turned toward his touch. “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered huskily. “When do you want to go?”
I smiled and crawled on top of him, straddling his waist as I looked down into his eyes. The warm feeling of being so deeply in love spread through me. Smiling down at the gorgeous man I planned to marry made me feel safe. Kissing him softly, I let my lips linger over his before pulling back to look at him once more.
“I love you so much.” I felt his hands running over my sides and I fought the tickling sensation it was causing. He grinned as if sensing it and let his hands slide to my hips.
“Right now, I just want to be right here with you,” I confessed. “I wanna pretend that nothing else is happening. I want to feel your body against mine. I want to kiss you and love you. Can we do that? Just for a little while?”
His grin caused the heat to rise within me. I loved his smile…my devious, hot, sexy man. God, I loved this guy. I couldn’t imagine being without him.
I allowed my body to relax against his and began kissing him slowly. Taking in the feel of his tongue as it slowly began stroking mine. I sucked on the tip of his tongue, causing him to groan, feeling him grow hard beneath me. I slowly pressed myself against him.