by C. A. Harms
I laughed as he tickled me until I snorted. “Okay…okay, stop!” I wiggled free and he gripped my hips tightly pulling me back to him.
He rested his head onto my stomach and kissed me softly. “Stop moving around so much. My son and I are trying to sleep here.”
I ran my fingers through his hair as I listened to him breathe. The soft rhythm slowly became deeper until his body relaxed heavier against mine. Before long my eyes became heavy and I drifted off to sleep dreaming of the life I knew we would have together.
Chapter 31
Lexi
“I just got you back in my life, kid. Promise me you’ll stay there.” I hugged my father tightly in my embrace as the tears rolled down my cheeks heavily.
“Of course. No one could keep me away now, I promise.” I looked over my shoulder to see Kole watching us closely. He smiled and leaned against the side of the Avalanche.
After a few more minutes my father released me and turned to Kole. He held out his hand and shook Kole’s firmly. “Take care of my daughter, Kole.”
Kole nodded. “Definitely. She’s my life, Keith. I’ll take care of her.” My father smiled in return.
I continued my goodbyes as Kate hugged all of us and Tyler kissed my cheek. Kyle stood back from everyone else and appeared very quiet.
I took a step toward him and rustled his hair playfully. “What’s wrong, Kyle?” He just shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. “Did I do something to make you mad?”
Kyle looked at me and then up at the group that was watching us. “Just don’t wanna say goodbye.” He looked back to me and continued. “Dad always talked about you and we would listen. I never believed I really had a sister.” He looked down at the ground kicking his foot lightly. “I never could figure out why you never came around. I didn’t really want to meet you, I guess. I kind of hated you.”
I swallowed hard and fought my tears.
Kate stepped forward behind me, “Kyle! Go inside!”
I reached out and placed my hand onto Kate’s shoulder. “It’s okay…really. Let him talk. Please.”
She looked from Kyle to me and then turned toward my dad. I watched as my father wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she buried her face into his neck.
I turned back to face Kyle. “Tell me why, Kyle. It’s okay.”
When he looked back at me his eyes were full of tears and he quickly wiped them away. “I hated you because you made dad cry. He’d cry when he looked at your pictures and I was angry with you because you never came around.” He looked up at my dad and then back to me. “Lexi, I don’t want you to leave.” I reached out, taking his hand into mine and then he let the tears fall. “Dad’s been happy and I like having you here. I like having a sister.”
I reached out to him and wrapped him in my arms. “I think having brothers is pretty cool too.” I knelt down in front of him. “I’ll make a promise to you and to Tyler.” I paused as his eyes questioned mine.
“I promise you both that I’ll always be in your lives. I may not be here every day but we’ll talk every day. I’ll visit and you guys can visit me too. After all, you’re both gonna be uncles.”
He smiled at me and hugged me tight. “You swear?”
I nodded and laughed. “I swear, buddy.”
Pulling away as I watched the four of them wave goodbye was hard. I watched out of the window as we passed the houses and got further away.
I felt Kole’s hand rest on my leg. “Are you okay?”
I turned to face him as the tears continued to fall. “Promise me we’ll visit. Tell me we’ll come back.”
He nodded and smiled. “Anytime, baby. You just say the word, okay? There’s no way I’d deny your family, I promise.” He squeezed my leg and I rested my head back against the seat.
The drive home went by quickly, considering I slept most of the way. This time Kole drove the first half and we never stopped. He wanted to get home quickly, so about halfway through Radley took over.
Pulling into the parking lot of our apartment was refreshing. I had missed our little place and the comfort of it. It was ours…our home—for now anyway.
We both slept like babies once we hit the bed. There was no energy for anything else.
I woke on Sunday to Kole wrapped tightly around me. I attempted to squeeze out of bed without waking him, but soon realized it would be impossible.
“Kole, wake up. I have to pee and I can’t move.”
He groaned and rolled to his side. I crawled from the bed and went into the restroom. When I made my way to the kitchen I was shocked to see the time. We had slept in until noon. I hadn’t done that in so long. I noticed the light on my phone blinking.
The number was one I didn’t recognize, so I dialed my voicemail and listened to the message. The moment the voice came through the phone I dropped it. I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and when that didn’t work I ran to the bathroom. The moment I reached the toilet I threw up.
Kole appeared in the doorway, “Lexi, are you okay?” I heard the water running and then felt the cool rag touch my forehead. “Here, put this on your head.”
After a moment I turned and looked up to him with tears in my eyes. He brushed my hair back away from my face. “Morning sickness?”
I shook my head and attempted to stand.
“Let me help you back into bed.” I let Kole guide me to our room and lower me to the bed. He pulled the covers up over me and took a seat next to me.
I felt sick again just thinking about the message. “Get my phone.” He watched me wrinkling up his brows in confusion. “Please. It’s in the kitchen, on the floor, next to the table.” He stood slowly and left the room.
When he returned he sat next to me once more and handed it to me. I shook my head. “No, listen to the message.” He turned the phone around and dialed my voicemail, punching in the password.
I watched as his face went from confusion to pure hatred and anger. His eyes connected with mine. “What the fuck…you’re not talking to him Lexi. There is no fucking way you’re gonna go see him.”
I took a deep breath, “I have to. It’s time I let go of that part of me. I need to let him know that I longer fear him. He can’t control me anymore, Kole.”
He collapsed onto the bed next to me and ran his hands through his hair in frustration and anger. He pulled roughly at his ends before releasing his hold.
Chapter 32
Kole
The last week had been pure torture. Lexi and I were back to our tension-filled lives. We’ve barely talked, and we haven’t touched each other in days.
The day she was to see Matt had finally arrived. He asked her to come to his counseling session on any Sunday. I didn’t agree with it and I refused to pretend it didn’t piss me off that she was going. She said she needed to let it go; so fucking let it go. I didn’t like the idea of them being in the same city. How the hell could I handle them being in the same room? She asked me to drive her there; like she had a choice.
I wouldn’t have let anyone else take her.
She was quiet in the passenger seat, and I knew it was because she knew I was pissed off. I felt like I should say something to her, but I had no idea what. I just wanted to be done with all of the bullshit. I mean, hadn’t we already had enough since we met? I was ready to move on from it and start being happy.
We were only about ten minutes from the prison when Lexi turned down the radio. She was nervously squeezing her hands and popping her knuckles. “Kole, I know you’re mad at me and I understand why. I really do, but can you understand where I’m coming from? Can you please try to accept that I need to do this? Please?”
Her voice was shaking and it nearly broke me. I drove in silence and she turned back to the window. I could hear her sniffles and I hated that I made her cry. When we pulled into the parking lot I took a deep breath.
Once I placed the truck in park I turned to face her. She never looked at me and that was hard. I had been a dick the last week. I fe
lt like every time we talked it would turn into a screaming match. So I spent a lot of time at the gym or sleeping.
“Lexi, my agreeing to let you come here makes me feel like a failure. I promised to protect you from him. I can’t just be happy about you going inside the jail and being face to face with the guy who hurt you. I want to be there to keep him from hurting you again.” That got her attention and she looked at me with confusion. I continued to try to explain.
“I feel like I’m not protecting you from him. I should be keeping you as far away from him as possible. Instead I fucking drove you to his front door.” I slapped the steering wheel in frustration. “The worst part about it is I can’t go in there with you. All I want is for that asshole to stay the hell out of our lives. Giving in, coming here, because he wants you to, is like letting him win. I don’t want to do this for him. He deserves nothing.”
She undid her seatbelt and crawled across the center seat. She straddled my lap and I rested my hands onto her hips. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. I felt like the worst version of myself.
She lifted my chin. “Kole, look at me…please.”
I looked up into her eyes and saw the unshed tears. “It’s because of you that I have the strength to do this. I have the strength to face my attacker, look him in the eye, and tell him he no longer has control over me. It’s because of you that I now feel safe to breathe. You haven’t failed me, Kole. You saved me.”
Lexi lowered her lips to mine and I took in her kiss as her tears dripped between us. “I love you so much, Kole. You’re the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You’re my caveman. You are the icing on my Toaster Strudel.”
She tried humor and I smiled. “Well, if you’re comparing me to your Toaster Strudels, then I must be pretty damn special. I know how much you cherish them.”
She smiled in return. “You have no idea just how special you are to me.”
I reluctantly walked her to the gate and kissed her as she entered. We called last Tuesday, making the counselor aware that she would be coming today. The guard had her name and after showing proper identification, the guard let her in.
Once she reached the doors she turned one last time to face me. She brought her hand to her lips and blew me a kiss. I pretended to catch it and place it against my heart, but on the inside I felt like it was breaking.
After she was gone I turned around and leaned forward gripping my knees taking in deep breaths. I felt like I was going to puke at any moment. I honestly felt like I willingly fed her to a pack of hungry wolves.
I had never been so fucking pissed off at myself until now.
Chapter 33
Lexi
The room was white with metal chairs; four metal chairs, to be exact.
I looked around slowly, waiting for anyone to enter. The door made a clicking sound behind me and I spun around.
“You must be Lexi Warren.” A tall dark haired woman extended her hand toward me. She was followed by a shorter, older man. They both looked at me waiting for a response.
I took a deep breath and stood up bringing my hand out to meet hers. “Yes, ma’am. I’m Lexi.”
She smiled politely. “My name is Rose, and this is my colleague Mark. We’re Matthew’s counselors.” Hearing his name made the bile rise within my throat. I instantly became nervous once again. “The guards will bring Matt in once we direct them to. We just wanted a few moments alone with you prior to our session. We wanted to make sure you understand what this is.”
I wasn’t sure I was following her. “With all due respect, ma’am, I didn’t come here for a therapy session. I have my own counselor for that. I came here for closure.”
Rose nodded at me and Mark took over. “This session is designed for our patient to receive that as well. He is asking for forgiveness and he has been working to forgive himself as well. He’s trying to recover from his past just like you. It’s important that he’s able to do so before he can move forward.
A laugh escaped me before I could control it. “You have got to be kidding me. That screwed up piece of shit not only raped me of my virginity, but he raped me of the last three years of my life. I can tell you right now, up front, that I am not here to help him in any way. If that’s what you expect of me, then you can just forget it. I could care less if he rotted here in this hell hole.”
The door clinked loudly next to me causing me to turn to the right. The air instantly rushed from my lungs but I refrained from showing any signs of weakness.
I stood tall and watched Matt enter the room.
“Wow. Matt, you look like hell. Prison really hasn’t been kind to you…has it?” I took a seat once again before the fact that my knees were shaking became evident.
“You look really good, Lexi.” He attempted to smile.
“Don’t,” I said strong and confidently. “Don’t you dare. I came here today to tell you that I won’t allow you anymore of my thoughts or my fears. I despise you, but I won’t waste my time thinking about you or the things you did any longer. You’re a disgusting piece of shit.” I took a deep breath. “You can pretend all you want that you have changed, that you’re…healed. But you’re still a coward. You’re still a waste of space.”
I stood from the chair quickly and took a step toward him. I saw for a moment the old Matt. The Matt that felt he could intimidate me. I watched as his eyes went dark and his lip curled into an arrogant grin. I felt the urge to cave.
Instead I laughed. “You actually think that can still work? Your infamous rapist scowl?” I glared at him holding his stare with mine. “Try again, because you no longer scare me. Rot in hell.” I turned toward the door and the guard buzzed it so I could walk through.
Just before I made it through I heard his voice. “Lexi, I know that I hurt you. I know that I’m a coward and you’re right—I do deserve to rot in here. I don’t expect forgiveness from you. I do want you to know that you never deserved to be hurt the way I hurt you. The other girls that I hurt didn’t deserve it either. I was cocky and arrogant and felt that I could take whatever I wanted. I never stopped to think about anyone else but myself. No amount of apologies or counseling sessions could ever give back what I took from you or from them. So I won’t apologize again. I will say, though, that I hope all of you have a great life. I hope that when you walk out of this room you never give me another thought. I took enough from you and I shouldn’t be allowed another second of your time.”
I couldn’t face him. “That’s a promise I can make. I won’t give you another thought. I won’t ever let you take anything more from me than you already have.” I pushed the door open and rushed from the room.
Once I was past the room and I knew he could no longer see me, I collapsed to the floor. I let out the deep sob I had been fighting since the moment he walked in. The guard knelt beside me. “Miss, are you okay?”
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. “I will be now.”
The moment Kole saw me walking toward the gates he jumped out of his truck and walked to the gates to meet me.
Kole took me into his arms holding me tightly. “I’m okay, Kole, I did it. I faced him and I said what I needed to say. This is all part of my past now and I can move forward. We can move forward with our life together without it haunting me.”
It took a moment for him to respond to me as he continued to hold me close. “Baby, I never doubted you. But I’m sure glad it’s over. Let’s get you out of this place and get you home to start our new life.”
Chapter 34
Lexi
Kole sat next to me as the doctor squirted the warm gel onto my stomach. The moment the “swoosh-swoosh” noise began to fill the room his face instantly lit up with excitement. I smiled at him and watched as the doctor moved the instrument around on my belly.
“Is that our baby’s heartbeat?” Kole asked as he watched in amazement.
After a few more clicks on the machine the doctor smiled over at Kole. “Yes, that would be your little miracle’s heartb
eat. Strong and steady.” He turned back to point at the screen. “By the measurements I’ve taken and the dates you’ve given the nurse, I would have to say you’re at about sixteen weeks.” I shook my head in confusion. I had no idea how I didn’t figure it out sooner.
“Wow, I’m that far? I guess I’m just a little shocked that I didn’t notice the signs.” I looked over at Kole who still had his eyes glued to the monitor screen.
“Well, with your irregular cycle and the fact that you haven’t really dealt with much morning sickness, I would say that it isn’t that shocking. Were you on birth control?” The doctor clicked a few buttons and the pictures he took began to print.
I swallowed hard. “You see, that’s the thing, um…” I paused and that’s when I felt Kole’s eyes on me. Oh hell.
“I forgot to get my shot a few months ago, and when I realized I had forgotten it was already too late.” I turned to Kole. “I’m sorry I was so stupid.”
His reaction wasn’t what I expected. He stood and kissed me hard. “Well, I’m happy as hell that you forgot. I mean look at this.” He pointed to the picture that the doctor had given him. “That’s our kid, Lexi. Our little baby.” He continued to stare at the pictures and I couldn’t help but smile at him.
I faced the doctor and shrugged my shoulders. My doctor smiled in return.
“Well, Lexi, you can get dressed. I’ll have Laura get your prenatal vitamins and all your information together for you. I’ll want to see you again in four weeks.” He stood and left the room leaving Kole and I alone together.
I gripped his chin and forced his eyes to connect with mine. “Kole, did you hear what I said? It’s my fault that I’m pregnant.” I slowly released his chin and waited for him to get upset, even just a little bit.
His smile was crazy big instead. “Lexi Nicole Warren, I don’t care if you forgot your shot. I’m happy as a pig in shit right now. Look at this—this is our baby, and in five months we’ll get to meet this little person. We made a life together and I refuse to think there is anything wrong with that.”