by Ivy Sinclair
Ben swore under his breath. “Look, that was just a one-night thing.”
Mike held his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, I’m not judging. Sarah’s been after you forever. I can’t blame you for finally giving in. Plus, she’s hot. I mean, you haven’t gotten laid in awhile. Give yourself a break.”
Running his hand through his hair, Ben sighed. “I had a moment of temporary insanity that is going to haunt me forever. If it’s possible, she’s even more persistent than before.”
“A beautiful woman is stalking you to get into your pants. I feel so bad for you,” Mike said, rolling his eyes.
They both straightened as the patio door slid open and Julia emerged. Her eyes narrowed as she looked them over. “What are you guys talking about?”
“Nothing important,” Ben said, shooting a warning look in Mike’s direction. Mike wore a shit eating grin but didn’t say anything. “You guys all done with the dishes?”
“Yea, Clary’s feeling a little tired though. I’m not sure how much longer she’s going to last. I thought you’d want to say goodnight to her,” Julia said to Mike.
“Oh, uh, sure,” Mike said.
He made his way across the patio, and Julia stepped out of his way so that he could go around her. The door slid closed behind him and Ben found Julia watching him. She chewed on her lower lip. It was another one of her tells. She had something on her mind, but she wasn’t sure how to say it. He remembered kissing those lips until they were swollen. He dragged his eyes away before his reaction became visibly apparent.
“I need some air,” she said. “Want to go for a walk? Or do you need to be somewhere? I don’t want to impose.” Her words came out in a gush as if she was nervous.
The idea of alone time with Julia was both exhilarating and terrifying. He needed to make a better impression than earlier in the day. He needed a new strategy. “I told Maggie I’d close tonight since I won’t be able to help tomorrow night.”
“Because of the bachelor party,” Julia said. “Sure, no problem.” She started to turn away, but Ben caught her arm.
“But I don’t need to be there until like ten. I have time for a walk.” Julia flashed a small smile and Ben felt his pulse quicken. He missed those smiles.
“That’s plenty of time to walk to Rounders Bend and back,” she said. “I’m feeling nostalgic.”
Rounders Bend was a park on the north side of town where Mike, Julia, and Ben hung out almost every night during the summers before they could drive. There weren’t a lot of places for teenagers to hang out without getting in trouble. They’d watch the baseball games and eat popcorn and candy from the concession stand until they thought their stomachs would explode. Occasionally they’d even talk a random intoxicated adult into buying them a beer that they’d share hiding beneath the bleachers.
“Sure,” Ben said.
Julia led the way off the porch, and Ben’s gaze drifted down to her rear end. Then he snapped his eyes back up as she looked back over her shoulder. “You coming?”
Only in my dreams, he thought.
CHAPTER NINE
She had to bring it up. She couldn’t ignore the festering wound between them, and if Julia was going to be in town for three more days, she couldn’t keep hanging around Ben and not expecting it to come up. She managed to escape Clary’s further wedding planning session by commenting that her sister looked tired, and she needed her beauty sleep leading up to the big day. It had been almost laughable how quickly Clary agreed.
She thought that a walk to Rounders Bend was an innocent enough endeavor. They’d be out of earshot of her family and most importantly, of Mike. She figured that Ben hadn’t told him what happened that night five years ago either. It was their secret, but secrets left too long often spoiled.
They walked the first block in silence. Julia watched the streetlights come on around them. She could see TV screens inside the windows of the houses they passed and occasionally she’d hear voices through open windows. It was quiet otherwise, and she realized she had forgotten what that was like living in the city where there were always people and traffic on the street.
“This is nice,” she said, unsure of where to start.
“What is?” Ben’s tone was neutral.
“I forgot how nice it can be in a small town. People don’t lock their front doors. Everyone watches out for everyone else. It’s clean and quiet, and things feel simple.”
“It’s an illusion just like everything else in life,” Ben said. “Everyone has their own problems. It’s just harder to see behind the masks here.”
It was a dark thought, and one that gave Julia pause. “Do you think I’m a bad person for what I did?”
Ben was silent for a minute. Julia didn’t push him. “You left us all behind as if we didn’t matter to you at all. I think that’s the part that people are having a hard time getting over, Jules.”
“I know,” Julia said. Her stomach churned. “Once I left, it was hard to think about coming back. And then as time stretched on, it felt even harder. I didn’t know how to explain myself in a way that made sense. I’m sorry, Ben.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Ben said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You had your reasons.”
He wouldn’t look at her. Julia felt horrible that Ben was still trying to spare her feelings. “But did I have good reasons? I had selfish reasons. It terrified me to see my life planned out for me before I even had a chance to live it. The closer we got to graduation, the more I saw my future life flashing before me, and it wasn’t the life I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but things were changing so fast. It’s like I was on a roller coaster ride, and I couldn’t get off.”
Ben cut a sidelong glance at her before dropping his eyes to the sidewalk again. “I know that, Jules. I was there. We talked all about it that night.”
There it was. The perfect opening for what she wanted to say. Still she floundered. “Ben, we should talk about what happened that night and what happened at the lake.”
She remembered that they drove around aimlessly for what seemed like hours talking and arguing. Ben hadn’t held back in telling her every single way that she seemed to turn her back on herself and sold out her soul. It was a maddening conversation. Before she realized it, they were in the parking lot at Mead Lake on the west side of town. They sat on the hood of the car, warmed by the cooling engine, and looked up at the stars.
Ben’s jaw tightened. Julia wondered wildly if he regretted that night and that’s why he seemed so unhappy that she was bringing it up. They turned onto the small, beaten path that was a shortcut to Rounders Bend. They had cut through on that path a million times over the years. It felt like no time had passed at all.
“You remember what night I’m talking about, right?” Julia finally said, unwilling to continue on in silence.
“Jesus, Jules. How could I forget?” Ben’s words burst out of him and Julia winced at the volume of his voice. It wasn’t like Ben to let his emotions get out of control. “You want to talk about it now? Now, five years later? Believe me, I’m not that slow. I understand what it means when a girl literally disappears after you make out with her, even though at the time she seemed to be as into it as you were into her. I got the message.”
Julia drew a shuddering breath. The shortcut passed along side of a small pond before emerging on the backside of the Rounders Bend field. It was darker here out of the light from the street lamps, and, in the growing dusk, she couldn’t see Ben’s face. She wasn’t quite sure of what to say.
“It wasn’t like that, Ben,” she said. “I wasn’t trying to send you a message.”
Ben rounded on her stopping her in her tracks. “What was it like then? Enlighten me.”
“Ben, you were my best friend,” Julia said quietly. “When you told me how you felt about me I didn’t know how to react. I had no idea that you felt that way about me.”
“Really? You knew,” Ben said accusingly. “There wa
s no way you couldn’t have known. I followed you around like a lovesick puppy dog for years. You had me wrapped around your little finger, and you knew it. Don’t deny it.”
Julia was jolted at the depth of Ben’s fury. His words were tightly clipped, and she sensed that he had been practicing his little speech for a while. She was glad that he couldn’t see her face because it flushed at what he said. He was right. On some level, Julia had known how Ben felt about her. It wasn’t something she consciously thought about, but at the time it comforted her to know that someone else cared about her like that, and she used it to her advantage. It was nothing she ever intended to act on though.
“You were my safe place,” she said, trying not to let the tears overwhelm her. “I felt like after what happened, we couldn’t go back to the way things were before. I had Mike to deal with, and suddenly it was like things were so strange between us. Everything changed when that happened. I felt like I lost you.”
When Ben’s arms wrapped around her, she sank into them willingly. She didn’t deserve his comfort, but she’d take it.
“I will always be your safe place and your friend, no matter what,” he said gruffly against the top of her head.
The tears streamed freely now. “How did I mess this up so badly? My dad, my sister, Mike, you.” She looked up at him. Even though the shadows fell over his face, she sensed that he watched her intently. Then she said the words that she felt he deserved to hear. They were the words that she should have said to him five years ago. “I don’t regret that it happened. I was overwhelmed and confused, but I didn’t regret it. I never felt closer to you as I did that night.”
She felt his lips brush softly against her forehead. “I never regretted it either. I just wish I had done it sooner. Maybe things would have worked out differently.”
It was something that Julia had thought about as well. How would things have been different if Ben had been the one to ask her on a date instead of Mike? She had been so lovesick for Mike by that point that she jumped at the chance to change the dynamic of their relationship. Would she have given Ben the same opportunity?
She noticed that Ben still hadn’t let go of her. They had reached the point where one of them had to do something. A part of her wanted to push up on her tiptoes and kiss him to see if it elicited the same wild response it had that night at the lake. Then she realized that she was only going to be in town for three more days. She couldn’t do that to Ben again.
Reluctantly, she stepped out of his arms. She wiped the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t remember crying so often in years. “Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder. Again. It’s a habit that seems to be hard for me to break.”
She wished that she could see the expression on his face. “We better keep moving. I don’t want to keep Maggie waiting,” he said. She couldn’t tell by his tone what he was thinking.
“Of course,” Julia said. For the rest of the walk, she listened to Ben tell her what changed in town. It was a neutral topic that seemed safe enough.
They emerged from the wooded path on the far side of Rounders Bend, and Julia saw that there was a baseball game in progress on the field. She could smell the popcorn from the concession stand. “Let’s get dessert,” she said with a wink.
“Still have a weakness for popcorn, huh?” Ben seemed relaxed again; his earlier outburst forgotten.
As they stood in line, several people stopped to say hello to Ben and ask about his parents. She noticed that most couldn’t help looking at her curiously, but she ignored the stares and kept her attention on the game. She wasn’t quite ready to delve back into small town life yet.
“What happened with your parents?” she asked.
Ben looked away from her. “My dad had a heart attack about two months after graduation. My mom needed help and Maggie was going through yet another bad spell with her soon-to-be-ex husband. I put off starting school that fall so that I could help out. Then Mom got sick too, and I had to take spring term off too. It all kind of snowballed after that.”
Julia felt horrible that she hadn’t asked anything about Ben’s family or why he was still in Benton Hill. She had been so focused on her own drama that she completely disregarded Ben’s. She put her hand on his arm, drawing his eyes down to her. “I’m sorry. I hope things are better now.”
Ben shrugged. “Now I have the bar. It’s not so bad.” As if on cue, Ben’s phone bleeped in his pocket. He pulled it out and sighed. “I’m sorry, Jules. Maggie’s freaking out. I have to go.”
“Take my truck. I’ll walk Jules home.”
Julia jumped at Mike’s voice behind her. She whirled around and felt Ben tense beside her. “Mike, what are you doing here? I thought you were with Clary?”
“I put Clary to bed, just like you asked,” Mike said with an eye roll. “I came over to watch the end of the game. My little brother plays first base.”
Julia glanced out at the field. The tall man on first base looked nothing like the boy she remembered. “That’s Cole?”
“Grew like a weed, didn’t he?” Mike said with a chuckle. He tossed his keys in the air and Ben caught them.
She could tell that Ben didn’t want to leave her alone with Mike. She didn’t want to be left with Mike either, but at the same time she knew that it was inevitable. She could hear her father in her head. “Rip the band aid off, Jules.”
Plastering a smile on her face, she nodded to Ben. “It’s okay, Ben. You have to go. I’ll be fine.”
“Yea, Ben. Little Julia Bell will be fine,” Mike mimicked.
Ben’s eyes narrowed. “How will you get home?”
“Give me your keys,” Mike said. “I’ll swap with you tomorrow. It’s not a big deal.”
Ben handed over his keys reluctantly. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Sure, sounds good,” Julia said. She didn’t want him to go, but she couldn’t make him stay. He had responsibilities now.
“See ya later, buddy,” Mike said dismissively.
Ben finally moved, glancing back over his shoulder several times as he made his way to the parking lot. Julia realized that they had made it to the front of the line. “Two beers and one popcorn,” Mike said, pulling out his wallet.
“I don’t want anything,” Julia said. “I should probably get back.”
“C’mon,” Mike said. “Cole would be disappointed if he didn’t get to say hello. There’s two innings left. The beer will help wash the popcorn down. At least we’re finally drinking it legally.” He slapped the money down on the ledge and handed one of the beers and the popcorn to Julia. Then he started to walk away, and Julia felt like she didn’t have a choice but to follow.
There were a few open seats a few rows up on the end in the bleachers, and Julia watched as everyone called out a greeting to Mike. That hadn’t changed a bit. Everybody always loved Mike. She sat down quickly before anyone had a chance to recognize her and slouched down in her seat.
“You aren’t going to be able to hide from the town forever,” Mike said under his breath.
“I’m not trying to hide,” Julia said. She looked around furtively wondering what everyone was thinking. “I just wasn’t prepared for this when I woke up this morning.”
“Yea, what Clary did was fucked up,” Mike said, staring out at the field. “Are you blind?” he yelled out as the umpire called a strike. Several other people in the stands booed at the call as well.
With the game tied, Julia felt Mike’s attention shift to the action on the field. As long as it wasn’t focused on her, that was all that mattered.
CHAPTER TEN
Ben couldn’t believe he left Julia alone with Mike. After Mike’s strange behavior earlier, there was a good chance he left Julia in a very awkward situation. Another text came in even as he pulled out of the parking lot.
Where are you?
Looking back, Ben should have known that trying to run a business with his sister would prove to be a challenge. He intended to decrease his hours as the
business grew more stable, but so far he hadn’t been able to because of Maggie’s erratic schedule. He cut Maggie a lot of slack because she was a single mom, but he didn’t realize how much responsibility would fall back on his shoulders. As his niece and nephew were getting older, they were involved in more things and Maggie kept asking for more time off. Ben had a feeling that things would come to a head in a few years when Maggie realized that managing the bar six nights a week wasn’t going to work long-term, even though she said it was her dream.
Be there in ten. He texted back.
There were six years between them, but Ben always felt as if he was the older sibling. If there was a wrong choice, it was a guarantee that Maggie made it. Becoming a mom curbed some of that behavior, and he loved to watch her with the kids. She stepped up with their parents as well, which took some of the weight off Ben’s shoulders. Still, she was scattered, chaotic, and overly emotional too much of the time.
Her ex, Everett, was bad news from the beginning. He slept all day and partied all night. He couldn’t keep a job because it interfered with his partying. His relationship with Maggie worked because she was the same way until baby Paul came along. Maggie cleaned up, but Everett didn’t. Ben thought for sure Maggie was going to kick him to the curb, but then she got pregnant with Ella. It took her two more years to come to her senses that she couldn’t take care of two little kids and a deadbeat husband.
Everett disappeared before the ink was even dry on the divorce decree, and then Maggie and the kids moved in with their parents. Ben knew that Maggie hated feeling dependent on their parents, but he thought that it was good for all of them in a way. Ben bought a small house a few miles away, far enough away that he had his own space, but close enough to call for emergencies.
He wondered what happened that had thrown Maggie into such a panic. At least while she was at the bar, she seemed to keep things well under control. There was no question that she was the boss, and she kept everyone in line. But lately he noticed that she was distracted, and when Maggie was distracted, bad things tended to happen. Whatever was happening at the bar wasn’t good.