“You think?”
I shake my head sadly. “I don’t know . . . probably not, I guess.”
“It’s common for survivors to look back and blame themselves. Totally wrong, but common. No one was at fault that day but the man who attacked you. And you can know that in your head, but . . .”
“Not in your heart.”
It’s like she’s inside my head. No one I’ve talked to since that day has been through something like what I went through. Until now, that is. I feel physically lighter as I look at Ivy, like there’s another person carrying the burden with me.
“I’m in a small support group,” she says. “We meet once a week at my house. Everything is confidential. You’re invited if you ever want to come.”
I shake my head. “I would, but I have to be so careful about who I talk to. The tabloids are looking to buy the details of the attack, whether they’re true or not.”
“You don’t have to talk, though. Just come and listen.”
“I guess I could . . .”
“When you’re ready. And if the security issues get better.”
I exhale deeply. “Security is always going to be an issue for me. I’m not sure Justin realizes the extent of it yet.”
“You really like him.”
She sounds pleased. I furrow my brow, confused.
“Of course I do.”
“No, I mean . . . as much as he likes you. Reed was hoping Justin wasn’t going to end up a brokenhearted, lovesick puppy. He just seemed to fall for you so fast.”
“It was fast.” I brush my fingertips over the silicone strip on my cheek. “I can’t really explain it. From the first time we met—after the attack—I felt like he was someone I could trust. Someone good. But also . . .” I break out in a goofy grin. “A man who takes my breath away. Justin has no downsides, basically. I definitely have some of my own.”
“You mean because you’re famous?”
I shrug. “Yeah, that’s a big one.”
“The Lockharts love strong women. Trust me, your success isn’t a turn-off for Justin. But he’s also not looking to capitalize on it.”
“He hasn’t so much as looked at a reporter this whole time. And he could make some serious money by selling the story.”
Ivy waves a hand. “Money doesn’t motivate this family.”
“I’m realizing that. It’s very refreshing.” I run my finger around the rim of my glass. “I guess when I was talking about downsides, I also meant . . . I used to be confident and vibrant. I loved to travel and meet people, and I felt so at home in front of the camera or on stage. But now . . . the attack changed me. I’m scared of things.”
“Healing takes time, Elle. Don’t put any pressure on yourself.”
“But what if, even when I heal, I still have a limp and a scar and a fear of being alone in a room? What if I’m never the same? Will he want what’s left of me?”
Ivy’s smile is reassuring. “He already does.”
“Sometimes I think he’s too good to be true.”
She laughs lightly. “The Lockharts have that effect on people. But this is really how they are. Reed is still a gentleman, even after a couple years of marriage. He brings me flowers all the time and mails me love notes. He even comes home for lunch often for . . . more than just the food, if you know what I mean.”
“I think that’s amazing.”
“Yeah. It’s hard to have a total bitch meltdown with a husband like him. I just can’t get mad at the guy, even for things that are his fault.”
The front door opens, and I look over, expecting to see the security guys checking on us, but instead, I see Justin. From his expression, I can tell something’s not right.
“Are you okay?” I get up and walk over to him, my heart pounding with worry.
He looks almost dazed. “Yeah, I’m . . . I’m okay.”
“I’m heading out,” Ivy says, grabbing her bag.
She hugs us both and then glides out the door with a quick wave.
“So, you met Ivy,” Justin says, sitting down on the couch.
“She’s amazing.”
He smiles weakly. “Yeah, Reed’s a lucky guy.” He sighs heavily and leans forward, elbows on his knees and forehead in his hands.
“Talk to me.” I sit down next to him. “You’re worrying me.”
“I just ran out to pick up some coffee for my mom,” he says, glancing over at me. “And . . . I don’t even know how to tell you this. I just . . .”
He sounds despondent, something I’ve never heard in his tone. I put a palm on his back.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“Promise you’ll stay.” He’s looking at the ground now.
“Why wouldn’t I?” The knot of worry in my stomach gets tighter.
“Just promise. I need you.”
My whole chest surges with warmth at hearing his words. He needs me. For nearly two months, our whole relationship has felt like it was based on me needing him.
“Whatever it is, I’ve got you.” I give him a side hug. “I promise, Justin.”
Justin
I’VE BEEN HOLDING EVERYTHING in for the past couple hours. Mallory dropped the news on me like a bomb, right in the middle of the Lovely Supersaver, and I kept my cool. I waited for her to take Emily to her mom’s house so we could meet up at the park and talk without Emily hearing, and I didn’t lose my shit. I went to the office of a friend who’s a doctor, talked to him and had my blood drawn for the DNA test, and I stayed collected.
But now, it’s just Elle and me. I’ve seen her in raw moments, and I know she’ll be here for me if I lose it. But will she stay? This news will change everything.
I can’t think about that right now, though. I can’t think about anything but the fact that I may have a daughter. My shoulders tight with tension, I recount my grocery store conversation with Mallory to Elle.
“Holy shit,” she says under her breath. “And you had no idea?”
“Absolutely none. We had sex the one time, and she said she was on the pill, plus I wore a condom. And she told everyone that the baby’s father is a guy from out of town.”
I’m sitting back against the couch now, and Elle is curled up beside me, brushing her fingers through my hair. “Then she’s probably lying. Don’t flip out until you know for sure.”
I sigh heavily. “I already know. Emily has brown hair and brown eyes, like me. She’s tall for her age, which comes from me.”
“But, Justin. If you were with her one time, and she was on the pill and you used a condom—”
I turn toward her, my stomach churning. “She told me today that she lied about being on the pill. And she fucking poked holes in the condom with a pin.”
“What?” Elle’s expression is outraged.
“Yeah. She cried and admitted everything. Said she’s been in love with me since high school but knew I didn’t feel the same way, so she waited. It wasn’t an accident that we got drunk and had sex that night—she said she was actually trying to get pregnant with my kid.”
After a couple seconds of silence, Elle’s fingers slide from my hair down to my neck.
“I don’t know what to say,” she says. “I can’t imagine any woman doing something so awful.”
My anger makes a resurgence as I tell Elle about my conversation with Mallory in the park.
“She was waiting for me to finish law school and move back, and now she has this delusion about her and I being together.”
“Is she . . . right in the head?”
My shoulders drop as I exhale. “I always thought she was perfectly normal, but this . . . is not fucking right at all.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“I went to a doctor and got a blood test done, and I told her I expect her to take Emily to the same doctor for one. We’ll know for sure in a couple weeks. But I already know.” I bend down, my whole body tensing as I grip my knees. “I think I’m in fucking shock.”
“Of course you are.”
She puts a hand on my back and rubs it up and down. “What can I do to help?”
“This. Just be here and promise me you won’t leave over this.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I reach for her hand and take it, still staring at the ground.
“I’m not pissed off about having a kid,” I admit. “None of this is Emily’s fault. But to be deceived that way, and to miss the first three years of Emily’s life . . . I don’t know how the hell I can deal with Mallory in a civil way.”
“What does she want from this point?”
Shaking my head, I say, “She still thinks I’ll change my mind. That the three of us will be a family.” I close my eyes. “God, that poor little girl.”
“What do you want from here?”
I consider. “I have to wait for the test results. Then I have to tell my family, including my parents. They’ll be okay. They’re good people. And then . . . I guess I’ll take Mallory to court.”
“You want custody?”
I look over, trying to read her thoughts in her eyes. “I do. I’m not gonna lie to you about any of this. Things are so new with us, and I’m really into you, Elle. I’m crazy about you, actually. But if Emily’s mine—”
“I understand, Justin.” Her eyes soften with emotion. “She’ll be your priority.”
“Yeah. I want to do right by her.”
Elle leans against me, her cheek resting on my upper arm. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known.”
“I can’t believe how much my whole life changed in a matter of hours.”
I feel her hum of sympathy against my arm. “I know what you mean.”
“It’s gonna be okay, right?”
Her hand slides back up to my neck, her fingertips brushing over my hair. “Of course it will. If Emily is yours, you’ll rock fatherhood. You have to be civil with Mallory for her sake.”
I nod.
“You’ve done more for me than I could ever put into words,” she says.
My body tightens as I tense up. “Don’t leave me, Elle.”
“We’re not even a thing though, Justin. Not really.”
“That fucking hurts, Elle. We’re a thing to me.”
She cringes. “I know. To me, too. I just meant not officially.”
“You mean words, or a ring?”
Her cringe turns into a horrified stare. “No, no, no. I am not asking you to marry me. I’m just saying we’re still in the early stages of this thing between us, and if you need to focus on Emily instead . . . I understand.”
“Do I have to choose?”
“No, I’m just saying, if it’s too much—” She furrows her brow. “This isn’t going to get any easier, Justin. I have to have security around the clock, and I always will. I can’t go anywhere without being followed by photographers. And then there are my injuries . . . inside and out. I need physical therapy, and I have nightmares. I don’t know if that’s ever going to get better. And there’s a crazy man on the loose who is obsessed with me, by the way. Do you really want to expose Emily to all this? She’s already going to be overwhelmed.”
“Just tell me what you want, Elle. Don’t think about the complications. Are you thinking you’ll stay here until you’re strong enough to go back to work, and then we’ll be friends? Or do you want more?”
Her amber eyes well with tears. “I thought we already had more.”
“We do.” I hold on to her hand and hope like hell she’s not slipping away from me. “And I know we’ve only known each other a couple of months, but it’s been an intense couple of months.”
“It has.”
I take a deep breath and decide to put myself out there. “I want to be with you, Elle. So, for me, it’s not complicated. Not even with Emily or your fame or Gary Beasley. We can make anything work if we want to. If you’ll have me and Emily, too, if she’s mine, I’m all in.”
She blinks, and tears fall to her cheeks. “I’m all in, too. You make me feel . . . amazing. Like I’m okay whether I’m Elle Tyler or Eleanor Simpson. Even with my limp and scar, the way you look at me . . . I want you to keep looking at me that way for a really long time.”
My body surges with relief and affection at the same time. “I look at you that way because I’m in awe. The strongest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known is giving me a shot. I promise I’ll never blow it.”
She rises to her knees on the couch and then climbs into my lap, her knees resting against my hips as she straddles me.
“I’m so happy,” she whispers against my lips, more tears sliding down her cheeks.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. “Me too. I know this is the real deal, because I don’t just want you, Elle. I need you.”
Her expression turns serious. “I need you, too.”
I kiss her then, a rising wave of emotion inside me ready to spill over. I told her how I feel about her, and now I want to show her. My slight, wounded woman may look fragile, but I know better. She’s strong enough to handle what I’ve got in mind, which involves bolting the door and getting very naked and sweaty.
But there’s a knock at the door, and she sighs in frustration before sliding off my lap to go open it and talk to the security guys.
They tell her the Lovely Police Department closed my parents’ street because it’s not safe for cars with the influx of reporters who aren’t leaving anytime soon.
Elle turns to me. “I think I need to go out and make a statement. Let them get their photos. It’s not going to die down until I do.”
“We’d need a secure indoor location,” I hear Andre say from outside the door.
“I can help with that,” I offer.
“Will you help me write the statement, too?” Elle gives me a hopeful look.
“Of course.”
I’d like to spend the day in bed with her, but right now, this is more important. She’s ready to face the reporters who have been hounding her for two months now. I’m proud of her for that.
As we work on her statement, I think about the brown-eyed girl I only saw for a couple minutes this morning. A daughter. It’s not how I planned to become a father, and I’m still pissed as fuck at Mallory over the whole thing, but Emily is a beautiful, healthy girl.
She deserves a good father. And if she’s mine, I plan to be one.
Elle
FOR MY FIRST TRIP away from the Lockharts’ home, I wear dark glasses and a Red Sox cap of Justin’s. The throng of photographers thinned considerably after my statement a little over a week ago, and only a few are there to take shots of me getting into a dark SUV with Andre.
I’m going to see Christine, my new counselor, at her office. She came to the guesthouse to see me last week, but now, I’m finally feeling ready to face the world again.
That’s probably partially due to Justin starting work at his family’s law firm two days ago. Before that, we slept in every morning, buried beneath the covers together until the sun shining through the skylights forced us awake.
We haven’t had sex yet, but once we had the conversation about being together, things changed between us. Justin started sleeping in bed with me, and we got more comfortable being affectionate. For the last week, we’ve been snuggled in our own little cocoon, just talking and getting closer.
I could’ve stayed in that cocoon forever, but it was time to be adults again. The results of the paternity test are due back in a few days, and I think setting up his new office will help Justin get his mind off the wait.
When we talk about the future, Emily is included in our plans. We don’t know whether he’ll be able to get custody of her, but we know that if she’s his, she’ll be with him as much as possible. There’s excitement in his tone as he talks about buying a house with a yard he can build a treehouse in. I know the news about Emily was a bombshell, but he’s taking it in stride. The past two months have shown me that Justin is a man who will weather storms in our relationship. He doesn’t walk when things get hard, like Colin did.
When the driver parks at the counselor’s office, Andre gets out before I do and scans the area. When he gives me the okay to get out of the vehicle, I slide out and look up at him.
“Do you want to go on vacation? Like Chloe? You’ve been by my side for a while now.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not taking a day off until they catch that asshole who attacked you. I can’t undo the fact that I wasn’t there then, but I can make sure you’re safe now.”
The guilt in his voice breaks my heart. “Andre, it wasn’t your fault. I need you to know that.”
He nods, but it’s not very convincing.
“Listen, I trust you, and that doesn’t come easy for me. You do an amazing job, and I want you working for me as long as possible. I don’t want you to get burned out.”
His lips tug up in a smile. “Don’t worry about that. I’m banking money for retirement, and I like this place. There’s a diner downtown that makes a great breakfast and a gym I like working out at. I’m good.”
“Okay, but I do want to send you on vacation at some point.”
Andre waits near the door to Christine’s office while I’m in there. I didn’t think I’d like counseling, but I actually do. It’s mostly me spilling my guts while she listens, and I find it cathartic. I’ve been journaling, too. Releasing my fears instead of holding them in feels good.
After my hour-long session, Andre has the driver take us through Lovely’s downtown. There’s a white gazebo surrounded by flowers, and people are eating lunch on benches in the grassy area. There are lots of shops and restaurants I wish I could check out, but I know it’s not a good idea without more security.
“That place has amazing subs.” Andre points out the window at a sign for Jimmy’s Italian Place. “Why don’t I run in and get us some?”
“That sounds good.”
The driver, who is also on the security team, parks and Andre goes inside. I keep checking out the downtown area from inside the car. There’s a sign that says “Austin Lockhart, CPA,” so that’s Justin’s brother Austin’s office.
Hidden Depth (Lockhart Brothers Book 4) Page 11