by Bree Wolf
You're twelve years old, Gabriel, you don't have to have all the answers. The tiny light hung in the air, perfectly still. That's what this is all about, finding the answers to the questions you have. So there you go, you know what you want. You want to figure out what is important to you in life, how you want to live. The tiny firefly hovered lower as though to look in his eyes. Ask yourself why you stayed here, and what you need in order to feel good about going home to your parents. Maybe if you write this down, organize your thoughts, it'll help you make sense of them.
For a second Gabriel closed his eyes. As he opened them a relieved smile settled on his face. "I don't know how you do it," he said. "But I'm glad you gave me a kick in the butt again."
What are friends for?
***
"Hi there," Gabriel said, waving to Liam as he walked his bike out of the garage and down his grandparents' driveway. "I can't believe it's Monday again."
Liam snorted. "Yeah, it really should be five days off and only two days of school." He stopped and looked at Gabriel. "You know what? We should put that in the suggestion box. Who knows? Maybe it'll come true one day."
"But not in our lifetime."
"Okay, future generations will be so grateful." Liam's face split into a grin. "Maybe they'll name a holiday after us."
Gabriel laughed. "Yeah, getting another day off for the great deed of getting more days off for people."
"Hey, I can dream, can't I?" Liam objected.
Jumping on their bikes, they slowly rode down the street and turned right at the next corner. "Hey, do you want to get together after school?" Gabriel asked. "And pretend it's not Monday?"
Liam smiled. "Sounds good, but I'm kind of busy."
"Really? With what?"
"I promised to help a friend."
Gabriel frowned. "Anyone I know?"
As though ashamed of something, Liam averted his eyes and kept them focused on the road ahead. "Yeah."
When he didn't elaborate, Gabriel asked, "Who is it? Or is it a secret?" Suddenly he remembered, how last summer he had promised Hannah to keep her illness from their friends. It had been difficult, but he had promised.
Liam shook his head. "Not really, but..."
"You don't want to say," Gabriel finished for him.
Lifting his eyes off the ground, Liam looked up. "Is that okay?"
Gabriel nodded. "Sure." When the time came, Liam would tell him.
Although everything else in his life had changed, school was pretty much the same for Gabriel. Sure, now he had friends. He didn't sit alone at lunch anymore, or ride back home by himself or walk the hallways with his eyes glued to the floor. But class itself was as it always had been.
Generally Gabriel paid attention, afraid the teacher would know just by looking at him that his mind was occupied elsewhere and call him on it. But although he could answer most of the questions asked or solve the tasks given, Gabriel rarely did. Thanks to his new hairdo, he had gotten used to people looking at him, but that was still just superficial. Something visible on the outside. Answering a question, sharing what was on his mind, still felt too intimate, too private to Gabriel to give others even just a glance of it. He wasn't there yet. He wondered if he'd ever be. Now that Hannah was gone.
"Do you want to hang out this afternoon?" Gabriel asked Eddie after last period. "Do something fun?"
Eddie sighed. "Would love to, but I can't." As Gabriel frowned, he went on. "I gotta help out in the library. Remember? Principal Hall's punishment from the first day of school."
"Really?" Again Gabriel frowned. "I thought that was over by now."
Eddie shrugged, pushing open the door to the school yard. "Technically, it was. But then last Wednesday, while I was returning the books to the shelves,...well, I thought no one was there and I felt kind of tired of everything, of not having enough time to work on my story for the Writers' Workshop, that I started ranting about Mrs. Hall...and well, she–"
"She was standing right behind you," Gabriel finished, grinning from ear to ear.
"Kind of, yeah," Eddie said, head hanging down.
Gabriel just laughed. He saw Eddie's annoyed face, and yet he couldn't stop. He laughed until the muscles in his belly hurt, and he was panting for breath.
Hands in his sides, his head tilted slightly upward, Eddie glared at him. "I'm glad my misery amuses you."
"I'm sorry," Gabriel tried to speak, catching his breath. "I don't know what's going on, but I just couldn't help it." He took a deep, slow breath. "I guess I needed it. I've been kind of down lately, and I don't really know why."
"I see," Eddie said, a more pleasant expression returning to his face.
Gabriel shrugged. "Yeah, that's why I thought we could do something fun to take my mind of things. But since you're out, Jordan is still on cleaning duty and Liam turned me down as well, I guess I'll be wallowing alone in my room this afternoon."
Eddie's face darkened. "Don't get me started on Liam!"
Surprised at his reaction, Gabriel stopped, then headed after him as Eddie turned around the corner, walked past the yard in front of the school building and toward the library. "What's going on? Are you guys having a fight?" he asked, spotting Liam and Jack walking out the side entrance to the bicycle stand.
"You're damn right we are," Eddie hissed, his head turning a tinge redder. "I mean I like Jordan just fine, but this is betrayal. If worst comes to worst, we guys gotta stick together."
"What are you talking about?"
Glaring at Liam, Eddie almost seemed to choke on his words. "That little...weasel decided it was just fine to ditch me and instead help out Jordan. Like she didn't deserve her punishment. Me, well, that was just an accident."
Gabriel frowned. "What do you mean, help out Jordan? With–"
"With her punishment," Eddie spat. "Every other day he stays after school and helps her. This way, she gets out an hour early." For a second his eyes darted to Gabriel. "You didn't know that? I should tell on him." A devilish smile spread across his face. "Yes, I should tell Principal Hall. Better yet, I should make her catch them." Looking smug, he rubbed his hands with barely contained glee. "That'll teach them."
"Are you insane?" Gabriel called, loud enough that Liam and Jack looked up, heads turning in their direction. He waved at them and then grabbed Eddie by the shoulder, who continued staring past him, fixing Liam with an evil eye. "Snap out of it!" Gabriel said, shaking him. "This is not what friends do."
"Friends?" Eddie asked, finally looking at him. "Don't friends also help each other?"
"Yes, they do," Gabriel said. "And he is. He is helping Jordan, who is our friend too, in case you've forgotten."
"But–" Eddie opened his mouth, but Gabriel instantly cut him off.
"Did he really ditch you or was he already helping Jordan before you thought of asking him? Or are you just mad because you found out?"
Eddie frowned, but his shoulders seemed to relax. "Well, he should have asked me first."
"Why?"
"Because...," he shrugged. "Well, she's a girl. We guys gotta stick together."
Gabriel laughed. "One, you've already said that, and two, that's lame." At his words, a spark of anger returned to Eddie's face, but luckily it didn't ignite. "Liam is your friend and so is Jordan. Today he is helping her, next time he'll help you."
Eddie shrugged. "If you say so," he mumbled as he turned down the street and headed towards his punishment.
Gabriel took a deep breath, hoping that Eddie and Liam would be okay. Then he slowly walked down the other direction to the bike stand where Jack and Liam were arguing, as it seemed.
"It is her punishment," Jack hissed. "If you help her, it's like you're saying what she did was okay, and it wasn't. It was a stupid thing. She could have killed herself."
"Yes, I know," Liam said, trying to cool Jack down. "And I told her so. She knows how I feel about this."
"And you think she cares what you think?" Jack asked, glaring at his best friend. "If y
ou do, you are an idiot. Just like her. She doesn't see what she did wrong, and next time maybe she won't be so lucky. Maybe then she'll get really hurt." He exhaled slowly. "Only if the consequences hurt now, only if they really hurt her, then she might just stop to think first the next time."
Head hanging, Liam nodded. "Yes, I know. I know you're right, but I already promised her. I can't go back on my word."
Jack shook his head. "Oh, c'mon. Don't give me that crap! You just want to get on her good side. Why is that so important to you?" Jack's shoulders slumped, and for a second he didn't say a word, just looking at Liam. "Would you really rather help her clean up the school than hang out with me at the Dive?"
"That's not it," Liam said. "It's got nothing to do with you. It's just I promised and–"
"Oh, save it!" Jack cut in. "I don't want to hear your excuses!" And with that he jumped on his bike and rode down the street.
Stone-faced, Gabriel watched, as for a second Liam just stood there and looked after his friend. Then he closed his eyes as though to shake off their fight, turned around and headed back inside.
I think Jack likes him.
Gabriel flinched. "Hannah?"
Yep.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered, looking around. "Where are you?" There was no tiny light anywhere he could see.
I thought I'd drop by before you spend another night sitting by my headstone. And stop looking around! You can't see me, not in the daylight.
"You can do this?" Gabriel asked. "Just come here?"
I did, didn't I? You should go after Jack. He seems to need a friend right now.
"Yeah, but...Hannah?" Gabriel asked, still looking around. Suddenly he felt alone again. "Hannah? Hannah?" But there was no answer.
***
As he came through the high grass and the water came in sight, Gabriel remembered all those wonderful days, just swimming and hanging out. It had been an amazing summer. The water still shimmered in the rays of sunshine reaching through the densely growing trees and bushes, but the sky had lost some of its color. The bright and vibrant blue had dimmed and spoke of colder days, hiding on the horizon.
Jack sat by their spot under the big tree. His head hung low and he turned a small pebble in his hands. When he heard Gabriel's footsteps approach, he turned to look.
"Do you mind if I sit?" Gabriel asked.
Jack shook his head. "What are you doing here?"
Lowering himself into the grass, Gabriel shrugged. "Don't know. It's been that kind of day."
Jack nodded, his eyes returning to the pebble in his hands.
"Have you finished the first assignment yet?" Gabriel asked, but Jack just stared out toward the water and the tree line in the distance. "I'm not sure what to write." He too grabbed a pebble. "Things are difficult right now."
Again Jack nodded. "Yes, they are."
Chapter 4 – In Good Time
After an afternoon of working on a school project with Jack, Gabriel was about to head home when the front door suddenly flew open and the rest of their group bounced in.
"Everybody gather!" Eddie yelled, kicking off his shoes and settling into the big armchair by the front windows. His eyes beamed with barely contained excitement.
"What's going on?" Jack asked.
Closing the door behind them, Jordan shrugged. "Don't know. He won't tell us."
"Seems to be some big surprise," Liam said. "His words," he added, pointing at Eddie.
Once they had all settled around Eddie, ready to listen to whatever it was that had put the smile on his face, he opened his narration in the usual fashion. "Well, where should I begin? It is a fairly complex issue. Maybe I should–"
"Spit it out!" Jordan hissed. "Now! Or I swear I'll kick your ass out the door!"
Eddie shook his head at her. "I see you haven't yet dealt with your anger management issues. Wasn't Principal Hall's punishment supposed to take care of those?" he chided.
As anger turned her face red, Jordan took a deep breath.
Eddie grinned. "Well, as long as you're trying..."
"You little weasel," Jordan hissed as she jumped up. "I'll wring your scrawny, little neck!"
In the next instant, Jack was on his feet, a hand on Jordan's shoulder, pushing her back down. "Jordan, you just proved that he does have a point–as insane as that is. And Eddie," he turned to look at him. "If you don't have anything polite to say, just keep your mouth shut."
Eddie grinned. "That sounds a bit corny. At least the first half."
"Doesn't matter. It fits the situation," Jack replied. "Now spill it or leave."
"Fine," Eddie surrendered. "Well, let's see. Mr. Thompson had me reorganizing the boring books section when–"
"I think you mean the rare books section," Jordan snorted.
Eddie shrugged. "Does it matter? The kind that collects a lot of dust because no one ever reads those."
Knowing that Eddie thrived on undeserved attention, Gabriel did his best to suppress a laugh; though the whole situation reminded him of their summer adventures and he inadvertently glanced around for Hannah.
"I was pushing that old, rusty book cart to the very end of the aisle–beats me how they could not have heard me approach–when I––"
"Who?" Liam asked.
Eddie grinned. "All in good time."
"Eddie!" Jack warned.
"I'm almost there. I promise," he said, holding up his hands in defeat. "Where was I? Oh yeah, when I heard them talking," he paused for effect, resuming his tale only a second before Jack could issue another warning, "they were huddled in a small circle, whispering. Or at least they were trying to, but I guess they too figured no one would willingly head to the boring books section; so whispering would be unnecessary." Eddie's eyes slowly moved from face to face, waiting for their excitement to peak before he continued. "So I snuck closer to hear what they were saying. I hid behind one of those humongous shelves, pushed a few books aside, and who did I see?"
"Santa Claus?" Jordan said grinning, even more so when the others started laughing.
"The Easter bunny?" Liam suggested. He turned to look at Jack, who guessed, "Captain Blackbeard?"
A disapproving frown on his face, Eddie shook his head. "You're not taking this seriously," he accused.
Jack grinned. "At what point was this a serious story? I think we left 'serious' a long time ago."
Jordan snorted. "Yeah, the day we met you."
"What a ready wit you got," Eddie mused mockingly, then turned to the others and back to his story. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but all your guesses were wrong."
"Who would've guessed?" Jordan muttered.
Eddie clapped his hands together theatrically. "Ah, another quick wit remark from our angry, little friend."
Before Jordan's anger could rise again, Gabriel simply asked, "Who was it then?"
Turning to look at him, Eddie said, "I'm glad you ask. Well, it was..." He held his breath for a second, looking them each in the face. "The senior class president and her group of little advisers."
"Seriously?" Jack asked, shaking his head. "That's the answer?"
Eddie shrugged. "I thought you said that we'd abandoned 'seriously' a long time ago?"
"Eddie!" Jack's voice started to sound angry, painting a smug smile on Jordan's face. "That better not be the end of the story."
Eddie laughed. "Of course it's not. Who said anything about the end?" A mischievous twinkle came to his eyes. "It's barely the beginning."
"I dare you," Liam said, "tell us now, why we are listening, and, more importantly, why we should continue to listen."
Chuckling, Eddie rubbed his hands. "Now we're getting to the good part."
"Which is?" Liam pressed.
"They were talking about this year's Halloween party," Eddie simply stated, making heads snap up and their eyes grow wide.
All but Gabriel's. His face held a confused frown. "What's so special about a Halloween party?"
"It's not 'a' Halloween party,"
Jack explained. "It's 'the' Halloween party."
Liam nodded. "It's a mystery. The senior class plans it every year and only seniors are invited. They all vow never to say a word about what goes on there, and, more importantly, where they are having it." An excited gleam reached his eyes. "Did they say?" he asked, looking at Eddie.
"Not yet," he admitted. "But I know when they'll meet again, and believe me," he stopped to look at them, "I'll be there the next time, and the next time and the next. I'll find out where they're having it, and then," once again his eyes swept the crowed, "we'll crash it."
***
Pen in hand, Gabriel sat at his desk, staring at the blank piece of paper before him. Every now and then his hand moved the pen down, touching it to the paper, but then stopped. Without instructions from his mind, his hand didn't move. Didn't write. In order to write, his hand needed thoughts that could be written down. But Gabriel's thoughts were all over the place. He couldn't catch one and keep a hold on it. Whenever he thought he had one, it slipped away. Again his hand withdrew, distancing pen from paper.
You're overthinking it, a familiar voice whispered.
Gabriel's head snapped up. "Hannah?" he breathed. "Is that you?"
Who else could it be? she asked. Why are you making this so difficult?
Putting the pen down, Gabriel turned to look around the room, a small part of him actually expecting to see her face. Then he shook his head, answering her. "I'm not. I just don't know what to write. I told you."
Exhaling audibly, Hannah said, And I told you to write down exactly that. Don't pretend to know everything. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. Write what you know. And stop overthinking it!
"But–" Gabriel started, only to be cut off by a furious scowl.
No buts, Hannah demanded. No excuses. Now put that pen to paper and write!
Gabriel hesitated.
Write!
Finally he threw up his hands. "Fine." Grabbing the pen, he sat down in front of the empty, daunting piece of paper and started writing.
What can I say? I'm twelve years old, what do I know about life? About what to expect? I have more questions than answers. I couldn't even say what exactly I want. What is it that I want? I want to be seen, and yet it scares me when people look at me. I want to be heard and taken seriously, and yet I don't know what to say. I want the truth. I want people to look at me and not lie. My parents, yes, I want my parents to tell the truth. I don't want to live in a dream world. Not anymore. I want them to figure out what they really want. I want them to be honest with themselves. I want to know if they mind that I'm not there. I want to know if they miss me.