by Lucy Gordon
‘Until the period of mourning is over,’ he murmured. ‘How long?’
‘A long, long time,’ she said, divining his meaning at once. ‘A few months for her: forever for us.’
The last word came out as a whisper. She wasn’t looking at him, but she felt him set down his glass and look at her intently.
‘Whenever I wake up in that room,’ she said softly, ‘her room...I remember the times we sat together talking...laughing. Even my own possessions remind me of her. Whenever you and Amelia were in London she used to send me a parcel of books. That’s how I had the works of Sir Walter Scott, as soon as they were published, and last year - Sense & Sensibility by that new author everyone was talking about, Miss Austen.’
‘Amelia?’ he echoed, and a tender smile touched his lips. ‘The latest books? She knew nothing about books. They bored her.’
‘I know. I asked her once how she managed it, and she said she went into Hatchard’s in Piccadilly and told them she had a friend who was a terrible blue stocking, and liked to read all the latest publications. Then she left it to them.’
‘A terrible blue stocking? She said something like that about you, her friend?’
‘Why not?’
He grew suddenly awkward, realizing too late that the expression `blue stocking’ didn’t have the effect on her as on himself. He remembered just before Amelia’s death, talking about Kate, saying indifferently,
‘She makes me uneasy. Blue stockings always do.’
But now Kate, who seemed uncannily able to read his mind, made it simple for him. ‘I don’t think of it as an insult,’ she said.
‘That’s not what I...’
‘Of course it is. And why not? Gentlemen always do. But some of us have to be blue stockings. We can’t all be beautiful and great-hearted like Amelia.’ She sighed. ‘Women like her are the lucky ones.’
‘You speak as if she were still alive.’
‘For me, she is. She always will be.’
They sat in silence for a while until he said, ‘Millicent has a sister in Bath whom she can visit, with Charmaine. Arrange it with her tomorrow.’
‘It might be more tactful if you spoke with her, My Lord.’
He gave her a look of grim appreciation. ‘‘So that you don’t seem to gloat in your victory, eh...?’
‘I don’t know that victory is the right word,’ she began cautiously.
‘Don’t be modest. You’ve overcome your enemy and banished her from the house. Victory is the only word. Amelia told me once that you were the wisest person she knew.’ He added, as an afterthought, ‘And the kindest, she said.’
‘No, she was the kindest,’ Kate murmured.
The heaviness seemed to descend on him like a black cloud. ‘Yes.’
After that neither of them wanted to say more.
*
Millicent and Charmaine left the next day in Justin’s chaise, accompanied by postillions and outriders, and followed by a fourgon piled high with luggage. Kate contrived to be absent most of the day, so any plans Millicent might have had for abusing her were thwarted. She wasn’t afraid of abuse, but she was afraid that she would make some stinging retort that would send Lady Thorpe into hysterics and perhaps delay her departure. She and the children returned just in time to bid Millicent farewell.
That evening, for the first time, Kate dined with her husband. He sent a civil message requesting her presence, but she knew it was a command. Attired in her black silk dress she attended him in the dining-room, and took the seat he indicated at one end of the long table, at right angles to his own.
‘Was it really necessary to be absent today?’ he asked.
‘I had things to see to in the town.’
He gave a jeering grin. ‘In short, you were avoiding Millicent. Why?’
‘Oh, because I’m afraid of her, of course.’
‘The devil you are!’ He eyed her neat attire and glanced down at his own shirt, open at the throat. ‘I suppose I should have dressed for dinner,’ he said abruptly.
‘Not for me, sir.’
‘Talk to me about my children, if you please.’
Relieved, she embarked on the subject, emphasizing how well the children were behaving, how pleased with them she was. That got them through most of the meal until he asked,
‘Why is Philip still here? Hasn’t his school term started yet?’
‘He asked to remain a little longer, and I agreed. Of them all he’s the one who concerns me most. He finds it hard to speak of his sadness as frankly as the others do. But he likes to stay close to me.’
He gave a grunt. ‘Well, I said I would leave those decisions to you, and I will. But don’t rear my heir to be a milksop, madam.’
‘Far from being a milksop,’ Kate said indignantly, ‘he has the kind of courage I most admire.’
‘Courage? When did you ever seen him on the back of a spirited horse?’
‘Never, and that only gives me an even better opinion of his bravery. You want him to be like you and he’s standing out against you, isn’t he? Well, good for him!’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘He’s fighting for the right to be his own kind of man, a man with a mind, who doesn’t feel he has to be manipulated by every idiot who offers him a dare.’
‘Am I the idiot, by any chance, madam?’
‘Oh no, you don’t offer dares, you bark commands. And that boy of thirteen goes his own way in spite of you. Did you stand up to your father when you were thirteen?’
‘We won’t discuss that, if you please,’ he said sharply.
‘There are some men who’ll do anything if they’re dared, no matter how stupid, or how little they actually want to. And they don’t realize that the people who offer the dares have control of their lives.’
‘It’s a part of growing up,’ Justin said impatiently.
‘Which is your way of saying that in your youth you accepted every challenge. But Philip won’t. He has such a strong mind of his own.’
She was glad to see how much this annoyed Justin. Anger would distract him from melancholy. But she must tread with care. Skilfully she sheathed her weapon and let him make recovery.
‘I will confess to a selfish reason for letting Philip stay,’ she admitted. ‘He spends a lot of time with Tom, which is a weight off my mind.’
Justin grunted. ‘Is he still mad for the army?’
‘I’m afraid so,’ she sighed.
‘Then let him go.’
‘No,’ she said at once.
He regarded her sardonically. ‘I could give you my opinion of that, madam, as you so freely give your opinion about my treatment of my brood.’
‘You employ me to care for them; I don’t employ you to care for Tom,’ she said swiftly.
He grunted. ‘Employ. Ah yes. That brings me to something I’ve been meaning to say. My man of business tells me that you refuse to accept a proper allowance as my wife, but still draw your wages.’
‘Certainly. I earn them. I don’t want jewels and furbelows and I don’t want a wife’s allowance because I am not your wife. But I do want my wages.’
‘The devil you do!’ He drained his glass and studied the wine. ‘We seem to have finished eating, and the wine is low. Never mind, there’ll be brandy in the library. You’d better go to bed now. I spend the rest of the night getting drunk.’
‘So I’ve observed. But I haven’t finished my wine yet, so if you’ve no objections I’ll come to the library with you.’
He grunted and led the way. They found the fire lit and a full brandy decanter laid out for him as it was every night. Justin poured a generous measure and threw himself hack on the leather sofa, regarding her as she sat on the stool by the fire.
‘This is a deuce of a pickle you’ve got yourself into,’ he observed at last.
‘Yes, it’s a difficult situation,’ she agreed. ‘But I contrive to make the best of it.’ She couldn’t resist adding ironically, ‘Lady Thorpe, of course, would say
I’d done well for myself.’
‘She’s gone, let us forget her. She’s a tiresome woman with too great a regard for rank and position. I wouldn’t have had her in my house but that I promised to frank Charmaine’s debut and Millicent is best placed to guide her. Once that charade is over we’ll see no more of her.’ He shot her a swift glance. ‘You don’t think you’ve done well for yourself, do you?’
‘I don’t think of myself as a countess, if that’s what you mean, sir. I’m not the stuff of which countesses are made.’
He shrugged. ‘You’re a lady, anyone can see that. And a scholar according to my - to Amelia. Still, that’s a disqualification in itself. Most titled women of my acquaintance are brainless, vulgar and ignorant.” After a moment he added, ‘Amelia never felt like a countess either. She could have been a great lady, but all she wanted was to he with me.’
He drained his glass and refilled it again. ‘Aren’t you going to tell me that I’m drinking too much?’ he asked ironically.
‘Would you listen?’
‘No.’
‘Then I won’t waste my time.’
‘Have you ever drunk brandy?’
‘Never.’
‘Hold out your glass.’
He poured a measure of brandy into her empty wine glass. She found the taste pleased her, and the golden warmth that began to creep through her was a welcome relief after the polar regions where she normally lived. It inspired her to take a risk.
‘Why didn’t you want to speak of your father?’ she asked.
He was silent so long she thought he was offended, and was beginning to blame herself when he began to speak.
‘I wasn’t always as I’ve been these last few years, a relatively civilized man. Nature made me harsh and my rearing made me worse. My father was a brute who thrashed creatures for pleasure - dogs, horses, me. Any failing, however minor, or any imagined failing, was enough to bring out his whip. He enjoyed it, you see.’
‘Didn’t your mother protect you?’
He gave a cynical grunt and refilled his glass.
‘He bought her silence with jewels. What did she care as long as she had a king’s ransom about her neck? She never loved anybody in her life, not her husband, certainly not her son. I supposed she felt something for the creatures she bedded with, but lord knows what it was.’
‘Did your father beat her?’
‘Certainly not. He was only an earl and she was the daughter of a duke. She condescended to marry him because he had more money than her other suitors, and he knew better than to risk damaging valuable property.’
‘Property? Your mother?’
‘That was her own point of view. In her world, marriage arrangements are conducted like a market. She sold herself to the highest bidder, knowing that however cruel and violent he was he would protect his investment.’
‘She knew even then that he was cruel and violent?’
‘Every man in my family has had that reputation to a greater or lesser degree. When I started going to the bad, people shrugged and said, ‘What can you expect from a Hanwood?’ There were many to advise Amelia not to marry me, but she didn’t listen...she saw what nobody else saw...’
His voice ran down as though the pain of memory had drained all strength from him. To distract him Kate said,
‘So your mother left you to your father’s mercy?’
‘Why not? She was only my mother. And then one day I caught him thrashing a horse. It was in the stable and he had the poor beast trapped in the stall where it could do nothing but endure and scream. It was the screams that brought me running. When I saw what he was doing, something happened to me. I seized the whip from him and gave him a taste of his own medicine. I was sixteen and well grown for my age, while he was out of condition from the life he led.
‘Pretty soon he was covered in blood and they had to pull me off him in case I murdered him. After that he was afraid of me, with reason. I’m like him, you see.’ He met her eyes and said levelly, ‘I enjoyed thrashing him.’
‘I should think you well might,’ Kate said tartly. ‘Was that meant to shock me, My Lord? Because if so it will miss. If I caught someone torturing an animal I would enjoy thrashing him too.’ She drew a sudden breath, discovering as she said the words that they were true. She added in a considering voice, ‘I’m not even sure that I would stop before he died, although I can see, of course, that it would be prudent to do so.’
He gave a bark of laughter. ‘Very prudent.’ Suddenly he reached out, taking her chin in his fingers and turning her face to peer at her closely. ‘My God, but you’re different from the way you appear. Quiet, demure Kate who never looked up or spoke above a whisper, who said ‘Yes, sir’, and ‘No, sir’, and hurried away before she could be noticed.’ He released her. ‘Did Amelia know that you had this fierce streak?’
‘Oh yes,’ Kate said at once. ‘When we were at school there was a girl who bullied all the young ones. She bullied Amelia too because she was so gentle.’
‘And?’
‘I stopped her,’ Kate said simply.
‘How?’
‘With methods no properly bred young lady should employ. The headmistress wrote to my parents, saying I was possessed by the Devil. She thought Papa would be bound to agree, being a clergyman, but when he came to the school and heard everything he said it was right ‘to smite the ungodly, hip and thigh’.’
‘A remarkable man,’ he said with a faint grin. ‘Amelia told me how he taught you Latin and Greek. Did he teach your brothers and sisters as well?’
‘I had none.’
‘You must have been close to him.’
‘Yes, in many ways.’
‘He sounds demanding, but you enjoyed fulfilling his demands?’
‘Yes,’ Kate said, struck by his unexpected understanding. ‘It made me so happy to please him. I wanted him to go on being proud of me, and he did...’
Until the day he said I was no longer his daughter.
‘What is it?’ Justin asked, seeing her face.
‘Nothing...just remembering him again.’
‘So finish your story. I want to know how you ‘smote the ungodly hip and thigh’.’
Kate smiled a little and shook her head. ‘She didn’t do it again,’ was all she would say. To divert him from the subject she asked, ‘How was it with your father after you beat him?’
‘He lived only six more years. They say his heart was broken by the shame and he lost the will to live. I hope it may be true. I became Lord Farringdon, but under the ermine and coronet I was a wild man, impatient of restraint. I’d learned my strength, you see, but there’d been no softening influences to teach me to control it. I was on my way to the Devil. But Amelia looked deep into me, and saw the little good that still lived, saw that it could be reclaimed with her love.’
Something made her say boldly, ‘I don’t believe you’re at all like your father. I know you’ve never laid a finger on your own children, and Amelia always spoke of you as the kindest and gentlest of husbands.’
‘If I was it was her doing. To those I love I can be different. And she...’ he gave a long shuddering sigh, ‘why doesn’t she fade in my mind and heart? Then I might know a little peace.’
‘It will happen in time.’
His face was livid in the firelight. ‘It will never happen. I remember my first view of her as clearly as if it had been today, though it was fifteen years past. Nothing about her has ever faded. In another fifteen years she will be as real to me as she was on the day she died. There will be no peace, unless I find the black peace of madness, and then...’ he shuddered, ‘the children will need you. How right she was to make me marry you.’
‘You’ll never find that kind of peace,’ Kate said, trying to sound more convinced than she felt. ‘To let yourself sink into madness is the coward’s way. You won’t do it.’
‘Won’t I? Strong, common sense Kate, how little you know the temptation to let the ghosts have you. And that one gho
st in particular...as I first saw her, walking with her chaperone, so young, fresh and sweet that it was as though springtime had begun that very day. She went into a shop that sold sweets and fancy knick-knacks, and I followed her, I could do nothing else.
‘When she was ready to leave I contrived to get in her way. I apologized and said, ‘Lord Farringdon at your service, ma’am . The chaperone looked at me as though I was the Devil and hustled her away before she could tell me her name. But I made the shopkeeper tell me. When I learned she was the daughter of Sir James Franklin I remembered an elderly aunt who was acquainted with the family. I descended on her, demanding that she arrange an introduction.
‘She took me on a morning call. Great ugly bear that I was, I couldn’t have been more out of place in that little drawing room. When our fifteen minutes were up we should have left, but there was no sign of Amelia and I refused to move until she appeared. I don’t know what I talked about for the next hour.
‘Everyone was fidgeting, wondering when I was going to take myself off. Then suddenly she was there. I said something completely inane like ‘So we meet again!’ I forget the exact words, but I know I sounded like the village idiot because my heart was thumping and I couldn’t breathe properly. And she said, ‘I knew you would come’. She’d known it wasn’t an accident that I jostled her in the shop. She knew everything, including the fact that we were made for each other.
‘I haunted her every movement. I endured concerts, bored to tears by music I never wanted to hear again, just for the chance of a word with her.
‘I reformed my way of life. I became sober. I stopped going on wild larks. My reward was to be allowed to dance with her once a week at small assemblies. Never the waltz, of course, but I got to touch her hand. When I could stand the wait no longer I declared myself and pressed for an early marriage.’
‘So that she shouldn’t have the chance of a London season where she might meet another man,’ Kate said, smiling.
‘Yes, I couldn’t risk that. She had to be mine. I needed her.’