by Rhonda Helms
Steven and I stood there for a moment, him beaming, me cringing on the inside.
I shuffled into the kitchen then grabbed a soda in an attempt to buy a little time. My brain wouldn’t stop screaming at me about how I’d screwed things up. “I’m, uh, thirsty,” I told him over my shoulder as I resisted the urge to scratch my arms; my skin felt like it had shrunk three sizes. “Need anything to drink?”
Large hands planted on my hips, and I was drawn from the fridge against Steven’s crotch. “I missed you,” he said as he tugged me to standing and nuzzled the crook of my neck. I tried to duck away, but his grip grew tighter. “I needed to see you. Do you know how much I had to pay my lawyer to find your address?” His voice was light and teasing, but he probably wasn’t joking about the cost.
I broke out in a nervous sweat. Biting my lip, I turned around and extracted myself as gently as I could. “Didn’t you get my call today?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. “Some asshole stole my phone Sunday afternoon out of the gym locker. I was going to call you on my new phone, but I realized I didn’t have your number written anywhere else.” He gave me a sheepish smile. “So I decided to surprise you with a visit instead. I got a flight and rented a car to drive from the airport.” His frown deepened. “You seem a little…off. Is this a bad time or something?”
Was it ever. I sat in the kitchen chair and waved for him to do the same. Played with the lip of my soda can as I digested this information. So Steven hadn’t gotten any of my calls. He didn’t know I’d broken up with him just over an hour ago.
He thought we were still dating.
I closed my eyes and smothered a groan. Wonderful. Now I was going to have to do this the hard way. He’d spent all this money and time to come here and surprise me, only to get dumped. And while I’d been making out with Gavin, Steven had been sitting in my house, waiting for me to get home.
My stomach flipped over itself, and I rubbed my brow.
“Anna,” Steven said, and the worry lines between his brow increased. “I don’t mean to sound like a snob, but what is going on here? Why are you living in this kind of a place? It’s…not your style, and the neighborhood is… Well, I thought I had the wrong address at first, to tell the truth.”
“It’s not the wrong address, obviously.” My throat closed up, and I chugged soda. The can shook in my hands. How did I get myself in these messes? Technically, I’d just cheated on Steven. I’d set a date for tonight with another man I’d already kissed, who’d given me an incredible orgasm.
And here was my soon-to-be ex, staring at me with confusion and concern in his eyes.
I felt like an utter heel.
I scrubbed a hand across my face and took a few seconds to gather my strength. First things first, it was time to own up about why I’d left New York. “My mom abandoned us,” I told him bluntly. “She took most of the money and ran off with some guy. I got the call from Dad when I was at your birthday party, which was why I left like that. Dad sold his condo, and I moved out of the apartment with Fiona. We hawked a bunch of our stuff and came back here to start over.”
His jaw dropped. “What? Are you…okay? Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I’d have given you money, Anna, if you’d told me the truth.” Hurt and disappointment shone in his eyes and he leaned back in his chair. The way he studied me made it seem like he was seeing me for the first time. “You’ve been living here over two months now but you didn’t say a word the whole time. Just let me think this was a regular divorce. Why?”
Tears stung my eyes, and I blinked them away. I wanted to be mad at him for some irrational reason, but this wasn’t his fault. It was mine. “I was afraid to tell you what had happened,” I said, my voice breaking. “And I was embarrassed. I had to take a job as a lunch lady in a school cafeteria, and I’m delivering pizza on a bike and cleaning offices. I didn’t want you to know.”
The hurt in his eyes was replaced by awareness as he absorbed my words. Then I saw anger flare in his pupils. “So you thought I’d judge you? That I’d make fun of you behind your back? That’s pretty crappy—and judgmental of you.”
I thrust my chin in the air and peered at him through tear-clotted lashes. “You have to admit, Steven, none of us ever had anything nice to say about the working class. How many times did we make welfare jokes while going out to eat at an expensive restaurant? How much shit had we bought in our massive shopping trips without one concern of money? What charity did we donate to for those who needed real help?”
He frowned and his eyes narrowed but he didn’t say anything.
“Yes, I should have told you,” I continued in a softer tone. “I know that. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone gossiping about me and my dad. It was hard enough having Mom leave us in such a terrible, sudden way. It still hurts. We haven’t heard anything from her yet. She’s basically fallen off the face of the earth, probably living it up in some tropical island while we’re barely making it every day.” Emotion surged, and I couldn’t stop talking now. “Do you know how awful it feels, knowing your own mom doesn’t want to be around you anymore? It’s shaken my trust in everything.”
He huffed a sigh and rested his forearms on the table; in that moment he looked years older, tired. He rubbed the back of his neck, and the band of his Rolex glinted in our overhead kitchen light. “Shit, Anna. How could I have known any of this? Have you hired a detective to find her or gotten the police on it? What can I do?”
The fact that he was offering to help, despite the awful situation between us, made me feel guiltier. “I don’t think the police can do anything, because it was voluntary and there wasn’t a crime involved. But I have someone working on it. Thank you for offering.”
His hands reached out to grab my chilly fingers. There was a deep sadness in his eyes. Then he let my fingers go, and caution filled his face as he leaned back to stare at me. His voice was quiet as he spoke. “You asked me earlier if I got your call. What was it about?”
My heart battered against my ribs. I dropped my eyes to the table and clenched my fingers in my lap. The silence stretched between us, thick with unspoken words. Neither one of us spoke for a couple of minutes. I heard the clock ticking in the living room, the soft, even cadence of our breaths. God, this day had gone from great to shitty in record time. I didn’t know what to say to ease the pain of what I was about to do to Steven.
He made a small huff of disgust. I looked up.
“Ah. I see,” he said in a flat tone. A pulse throbbed in his temple, and his gaze tripped around the room like he couldn’t stand to look at me right now. “So…you were breaking up with me? Over the phone? Seriously?”
I sucked in a breath and steadied myself. “To be fair, I hadn’t heard from you in days. I tried to call you and I left several messages for you to call me back. How was I supposed to know you weren’t trying to dump me?”
He stood. “You assumed I’d dump you by not talking to you anymore? That’s the kind of guy you think I am? What the hell, Anna? I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. And it’s apparent you don’t know jack shit about me. I get nothing from you but a lot of faulty assumptions.”
I stood too and planted my hands on the table. Anger and guilt fought for control in my stomach. He was right, in a way. Yes, I’d made assumptions. But they weren’t based on nothing. “Come on, now. You’ve done a fine job not talking to me much until today, when you show up out of the blue after days of silence. And when’s the last time we had a real conversation on the phone and not just a few generic text messages? How many pictures of shoes and parties and Broadway shows are you going to send me to rub in what a wonderful time you’re having in the city without me?” More tears flew down my face and I swiped at them with shaky hands.
He reeled back at my words; his golden brow furrowed. “Wow. I wasn’t rubbing anything in. I didn’t even know about your situation! And we’ve shared pictures of stuff we’ve bought before. How would I know this was a
ny different?” He raked a hand through his perfect blond hair, mussing it. “God, do you think I’m a total asshole or something?”
“I know it sounds harsh when I try to explain it. And I’m so sorry for that because the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But I’m not the person I was when I left New York,” I replied as evenly as I could in an attempt to diffuse the argument. “I can’t help the way I feel now.”
“You didn’t give me a real chance though,” he rebutted. “I had no idea about how things had changed for you because you kept me in the dark for two months. This is unfair.” He walked out of the kitchen, and I heard him pacing in the living room.
I followed him, fighting back the anxiety throbbing in my veins. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “It’s just… We’ve grown apart. You have to see that too. We stopped talking—and yes, I know the distance between us hasn’t helped that. But if a couple cares about each other, distance won’t break them up.”
Steven whirled around, and I saw something in his eyes I hadn’t seen before. An emotion I couldn’t quite place. He strode to me and gripped my fingers, squeezing them tight. “I don’t want this,” he said slowly.
The tight coil around my chest eased up a fraction. So he was ready to admit we were done. I pursed my lips and waited in silence for him to finish his thoughts.
He dropped down to one knee and peered up at me.
I blinked. Oh, God. Was he—
“Anna,” Steven continued in a shaky voice, “marry me. I know this is a little quick, but I still believe we can be good together. I don’t want us to break up.”
I freed one of my hands to clasp it over my mouth. “Steven,” I replied with a dry mouth. I licked my lips. “But…I don’t…” I stalled off with a shocked laugh. “I can’t. It’s crazy.”
He gave a stubborn shake of his head. “What’s crazy is you living here in near poverty when you don’t have to.”
“But—”
“I can take care of you.” As he talked, his demeanor changed to his usual confidence. “You won’t ever have to worry about money again. You can have your old life back.” He paused then stood, looking down at me with intensity shining in his eyes. “Be my wife. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of for the rest of your life. You’ll have everything you could ever want, and I’ll even help you get back into school next semester if you still want to go. We were good together, Anna. We are good together. We can make it past this hurdle if we both try. If I’d known the truth about your mom, I never would have let you move here.”
I sat there in stunned silence. I knew what he was telling me—that I could be a stay-at-home wife, shop all I wanted, have a new car, live in total luxury.
His hands caressed my limp fingers. “Say yes, Anna. Let’s leave this small town behind for good. Come back home to your old life, where you belong.”
Chapter Fourteen
I closed my eyes and tried to sort out my rampant thoughts. Oh, Steven knew exactly where and how to get to me. For a split second, I let myself think about what my future would look like if I were with him. It would be so temptingly easy.
Then his lips pressed against mine, and it felt…wrong. My eyes flew open; I stepped back and wrapped my arms around my torso.
The hurt in his gaze was clear; I felt awful, knowing I was causing him pain. He wasn’t the man for me though. Yes, Steven was kind, generous, affectionate. But he didn’t set me on fire, didn’t make me strive to be a better person and work hard to prove I could succeed at whatever I set my mind to.
He wasn’t Gavin.
I couldn’t marry Steven, even if he was offering me all the security and comfort in the world. Because part of me understood now that those things weren’t important or guaranteed anyway. I’d had money before, but it hadn’t made me a good person. It had made me shallow and vapid. Selfish and vain.
I didn’t want to go back to that. And I couldn’t put my future in someone else’s control. I’d done that with my mom, and look where it had gotten me. No, it was time for me to stand on my own feet.
Make my own way.
“I can’t. I’m sorry,” I told him, my words spilling out with a tremble. I shook my head, and the sudden change in his eyes showed me he understood. He realized I meant what I was saying. “I am so grateful for the offer, because I know you mean well. But that isn’t who I am anymore.” I had a sense of pride in my work that I’d never had before. I didn’t want to lose that.
Not to mention Steven hadn’t said the L-word once in his proposal, nor had I…and I knew it was because neither one of us was actually feeling it. I couldn’t and wouldn’t settle for less. I wanted everything. We both deserved to find someone who was passionately in love with us. We’d never be that for each other.
“Okay. I understand.” Steven’s face became a stony mask, and he backed away from me.
I wanted to reach out and comfort him. His proposal had been rash, spur of the moment, but I knew it had been sincere and my rejection had hurt him. Getting married wasn’t going to fix anything long-term though. And it wouldn’t make me care about him the way he wanted me to. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I hope you find happiness, Steven. I want the best for you.”
“Take care, Anna.” He gave a dull nod then turned and headed down the hallway. The door clicked quietly closed behind him.
I collapsed onto the couch and let myself cry for a moment. Telling him no had been the right thing to do, but I couldn’t help but feel sadness over how it had ended. Over the devastation in his eyes.
I grabbed my phone and sent Gavin a quick text message saying that I needed to cancel and I’d talk to him tomorrow. I couldn’t face him right now, not with this guilt and drama hanging over me like a shadow. I’d give myself this evening to shake it off, let go of the hurt and upset I was feeling.
Tomorrow I would explain it all to him.
I dialed Natalie. “Hey,” I said in a heavy tone. “Are you busy?”
“Nope. I worked morning shift at the nursing home, so I’m off right now. What’s wrong? Everything okay? You sound awful.”
I burst into tears and began babbling, “I just broke up with Steven and he came all the way here from New York and proposed to me and I’m so confused because Gavin and I kissed and it was super hot but apparently I wasn’t broken up with Steven when I did and—”
“Whoa,” Natalie said with a light laugh. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Take a breath, honey, and start from the beginning.”
“Okay. Yes.” I drew in several deep lungfuls of air and slowly exhaled. The surge of panic started to fade. I gave her a quickie recap of the situation, and she gasped and aww’d at the appropriate times.
“Oh, Anna. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.” The empathy in her voice made my tears spring up again. “I have cheap, crappy wine. How about you come over? Bianca and I were going to hang out tonight, and we’d love to have you here too.”
“I don’t want to intrude.” I sniffled and got up to find a tissue for my runny nose.
“Please. It’s not intruding. We were going to get together and gripe about our lives. It sounds like you could use a little whine and wine time. We do it regularly. It’s good for the soul.”
The mad flutter in my chest slowed down a bit. This would be a good chance for me to be there for them too. Friendship went both ways. “Well, if you’re sure…”
“I insist. Be here at six.”
“What should I bring?”
“Your sexy self, and that’s it. I have wine and snacks already, and Bianca’s bringing dessert. Cookies—she can cook a mean batch of chocolate chip.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I appreciate you.”
“That’s what friends are for. I keep telling you that, girl.” Her voice was chiding but gentle. “We support each other, thick or thin.”
Natalie and I hung up. I got off the couch and washed my face, peered at my red-lined eyes in the bathroom mirror. The stress was evident on m
y face.
I wasn’t sure if Steven was going to confide in any of our friends about what had happened to me—or today’s proposal. But if he did, so be it. I couldn’t control him, and if he did, it didn’t impact my life here.
I began to think about staying in Edgewood Falls for more than just another few months. Transferring to the local college I’d looked up online, finding a job around here when I graduated. Settling down and being around Natalie and Bianca.
And Gavin.
I could do it. After all, nothing was holding me back from visiting New York City, right? Or eventually moving there in a few years?
I smoothed my hair and killed time straightening the house. I cleaned dishes, made a quick meal for my dad when he got home. Tried not to think about Steven and his face when he’d left.
Instead, I focused on the positives. Thought about how nice it would be to spend time with the girls tonight and help them work through their issues. I bundled up, grabbed my last bottle of wine—I wasn’t going over there empty-handed—and headed out the door.
Natalie’s place was only a mile or so away, so I walked. My breath puffed in little white clouds around me as I passed people bundled up in their winter gear.
I got to Natalie’s apartment and rang the doorbell.
She flung the door open and thrust a glass of white wine in my hands then gave me a gentle hug. Her slim-fit sweat pants and long-sleeved shirt looked ultra comfy. “I’m so glad you came. Bianca’s here, and I have snacks coming out of the oven right now.” When I gave her the bottle of wine, she grinned and kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks, Anna. You didn’t have to. But I’m sure we’ll destroy it tonight.”
“I walked, so I’m ready to have a few drinks,” I replied as I entered the apartment and stripped off my coat. Hung it on the rack and settled on her large, comfy tan couch.