by Selena Kitt
“He is,” admitted Julie. “I guess I just thought that there would be more to married life, you know what I mean?” She drained her wine. “Although it is nice to have someone to have sex with whenever I want. Sure beats those days in college when we’d go trolling bars for a hookup, doesn’t it? Most of those guys were drunk and couldn’t get it up anyway.”
Melissa laughed. “So were we.”
“God, I don’t remember half the things we did,” said Julie. “And some of the things I do remember I’d rather forget. Although there were a few funny moments.”
Julie was the only person Melissa would talk to about sex. “Remember that time you and—what was his name, Jim?—stumbled back to the apartment, couldn’t find the light switch, and fell onto my bed? And then had drunken sex.”
“Jack. His name was Jack. Jim was junior year. And the only reason we didn’t fall on top of you was that you and Marcus were in my bed?”
“Yeah, but we were sleeping!”
Julie gave Melissa a mischievous look. “You and Marcus didn’t do much sleeping,” she teased.
Melissa reddened. “That was a long time ago.”
“Not that long ago, girl. God, he was hot. I bet he still is.”
“You had plenty of good looking guys yourself,” said Melissa, toying with her food, trying to change the subject, not wanting to talk about Marcus, but she couldn’t help thinking about him. Julie was right. He had been hot. He was the first man she had been crazy about—as in out of control crazy. Just seeing him would get her excited. It wasn’t just his fantastic body, it was his whole persona, the way he carried himself, the way he didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought, the effect he had on other people—he’d walk into a room, and everyone, men and women, would turn to look at him. He didn’t have to say a word. Like the real alpha wolf never had to growl for everyone to know who was on top.
“I did,” said Julie. “A few anyway. But tell me,” she looked around at the other diners, lowering her voice to a whisper. “What was it like, really, to be with a black man? I never did get to do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh come on,” said Julie, exasperated. “You know very well what I mean.”
“You knew Marcus,” said Melissa. “We all spent a lot of time together.”
“Not like that,” said Julie. “Although sometimes at night when the two of you were going at it, I’d pretend to be asleep. . .”
“Julie!”
“What, you’re surprised? You certainly can’t be embarrassed, given everything we did in college.”
Melissa fumbled with her fork. “I just never thought you thought of Marcus that way.”
Julie scoffed. “Please. Every woman who saw him thought of him that way. I didn’t want to take him away from you, you know I’d never do that. But you can’t blame me if I fantasized about him.”
Melissa was thinking about the very first time she had seen Marcus, not at a bar, where she and Julie had met most of the guys she had dated, but in a movie line, waiting to see a chick flick. Most of the people in the line were women, but Marcus would have stood out even if they had all been men. His broad shoulders made a wide V with his flat stomach. His slacks weren’t tight, but she could still make out the line of his firm butt. A stunningly beautiful black woman was smiling at him; she was elegantly overdressed for the movies, but pulling off the look, seeming right at home.
His arm would reach out behind the woman as he moved with her, his big hand so large on her small thin back, guiding her along. So sure of himself. As he looked up from buying tickets his eyes briefly met Melissa’s, and she felt caught like a deer in headlights. He gave her a cocky half grin, knowing she had been checking him out, and she quickly looked away, embarrassed. As Melissa thought about it that night she had touched herself, so wet, and though she rarely pictured anyone specific when she masturbated, that night her mind was full of the black man, pretending she was the one he was with, his hand on her back, sliding down. . .
“Melissa? You still with me?”
Julie was peering over her newly filled wine glass. How had Melissa missed the waiter? “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Just thinking.”
“Bet I know who you were thinking about!”
Melissa flushed. “I don’t want to talk about it. I told you, that was a long time ago.”
“You are going to make me feel old,” said Julie. “It’s only been ten years. And you never answered my question. What’s it like being with a black man?”
Melissa toyed with the top of her wine glass. She rarely drank anything during lunch, she still had to go back to work. But she looked around for the waiter and pointed to her glass. Maybe just one more.
The wine had loosened her up a little. “What do you expect? He’s no different than any other guy, just because he is black.”
“Well, that’s not what I’ve heard,” said Julie, her voice a little too loud.
“Shh!” cautioned Melissa, as the waiter came up to refill her wine. When the waiter left Melissa said, as casually as she could, “Some guys are just bigger than others, it’s genetic or something, not just because they are black.”
“Aha!” Julie exclaimed. So Marcus was—well endowed?” She giggled, sounding like a schoolgirl.
Julie’s playfulness was contagious. “I’ll tell you something,” Melissa whispered. “I’ve had long, and I’ve had thick. But only Marcus was both.” She felt a little guilty, being married, talking about another guy at all, let alone his anatomy. It must have been the wine. But it was harmless. She’d never cheat on Richard.
But she couldn’t help herself now, even sitting in a crowded restaurant in the middle of the day. Now that Julie had brought him up, Melissa could not shake the image of the first time she had seen Marcus naked, still reeling that he had chosen to be with her, nothing like the elegant woman she had first seen him with. His body, even more amazing without clothing, tight and honed, no overdone gym muscles.
Melissa pulled herself back to the present, knowing she could get lost in the dream. “That’s enough of that kind of talk. Back to the real world.”
“Which can’t be that bad,” said Julie. “Richard is nice on the eyes. If he’s half as hard working in bed as he is at his job, I’m sure you have it good.”
“If only,” Melissa blurted. Immediately she regretted it. The wine talking again.
Julie, even after two drinks, was very good at reading her old friend. “What is it? Richard is treating you okay, isn’t he?” Her voice was worried, protective.
“Nothing like that,” said Melissa quickly. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Hey Melissa, it’s me, remember? You used to make up a list of guys you dared me to walk up to and kiss in a bar.”
Melissa couldn’t help but smile. “Well, that was only because you started those lists first.”
“Right. Sometimes it didn’t stop at kissing. Remember that guy you wrote on my list and I put on yours? We both ended up sleeping with him.”
“Stop it!” said Melissa, but she was laughing. “You’re making me sound like a slut.”
“No, I know you really didn’t sleep with many guys. Well, not that many, anyway. Why would you, once you got Marcus? What I meant was that we’ve even shared a guy. So you can share anything with me.”
Melissa took another sip of wine to give her some courage. Julie was right, maybe it would help to talk about it. “Richard is a great husband, really.”
“But?” prompted Julie.
“I don’t know,” said Melissa. “We might be just in some kind of rut. All we do is work. Especially him. He just got promoted again, but now he’s got so much responsibility. He’s been at the same company for twelve years. I thought he would finally be able to slow down and relax a bit. But he’s just so—responsible. He feels everything is on him. He’s always so preoccupied with work. And it’s not just that he’s busy, he’s anxious, always worried. Some investors have put a bunch of new m
oney in his company and he feels he’ll be some kind of failure if their investment doesn’t work out.”
“Sounds like a typical man in business these days,” said Julie. “Competitive. And all the companies are pressuring their employees to do more.”
“It’s not that,” said Melissa. “He’s certainly senior enough. It’s not the company expectation, it’s his. He does it to himself. It’s all he thinks about.” Her voice had turned sad.
“Maybe you need to try to get his mind off of things,” suggested Julie.
“Believe me, I’ve tried,” said Melissa. “I’ve suggested vacations, tried to get him to go to movies, bought him tickets to football games—he used to love going to games. He just doesn’t have time, or isn’t interested, or if we go, his mind is elsewhere. It’s like I don’t have all of him.”
Julie grinned. “Maybe you need to be thinking of something else. When I think John and I are getting into a rut, I do something to shock him out of it. It always works.”
“Really?” Melissa was interested.
Julie glanced around to make sure no one was listening. “Well. . . One time while he was watching a baseball game on TV I just put my head in his lap, pretending I was going to take a nap. I told him not to mind me, he should keep watching the game. Before he knew what was happening I was giving him a blowjob. I’ve never seen him turn off a baseball game so fast!”
Melissa laughed. “If all else fails, try sex, right?” Her smile faded. “I’ve tried that, believe me I have. I tried tight skirts, even though I never dress that way. I tried lingerie, he didn’t even notice. I even tried your blowjob trick, except he was at his computer, and he said, ‘Wait, hon, just let me finish this email.’ ”
Julie burst out laughing. “I’m sorry! That would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.” She tried to control herself, but kept laughing. “I do know what you mean, he is so serious sometimes. Like always wanting to be called Richard. I called him Rick one time and he gave me this funny look. So I can picture it. Maybe I should try that with John if I’m not in the mood, ‘Wait, John, I have to finish the laundry. . .”
In spite of herself, Melissa was soon laughing along with Julie. Her friend could always make her feel good, no matter what was going on.
Julie finally got hold of herself. “Well, you didn’t marry him for sex. You knew that. If you just wanted sex you would have married Marcus.”
“I know,” said Melissa. “And I’ve never had second thoughts. It’s not that I didn’t have feelings for Richard. But I’d never been in love before, not really, you know what I mean? So I thought it was. Love. Now I realize love is a lot more complicated. Or simpler. I don’t know. I do love Richard, but I’m not sure that’s the same as being in love. But with Marcus—I never was totally comfortable. Some of that was good, he was always surprising me, which I loved. But he was so hot, I was always worried about him finding someone else better looking than me.”
“Hey, don’t sell yourself short, you are really pretty, you have to know that!”
“Thanks, Julie. I realize I’m far from ugly. But we both know what I mean. Marcus could get any woman he wanted. The gorgeous ones, the elegant ones. I always felt inferior, not overall, just in the looks department. I’m the girl next door, not the starlet.”
“Did he ever cheat on you?” asked Julie.
“I’m not sure. I think so once. Or at least once. I was on my way to an early class one day and I saw him with another woman, just talking outside of an apartment. But they seemed too close, in each other’s space, and what was he doing outside of someone’s apartment that early in the morning? I just caught a glimpse of her, she was someone I knew, someone who must have known Marcus and I were together. I pretended I didn’t see him, I don’t think he saw me.”
Julie’s leaned forward. “What did you do to the bitch?”
“Nothing.”
Julie frowned. “That’s not the Melissa I know. You never take shit from anyone.”
“Generally no. But about Marcus, I was kind of insecure.”
“Did you confront him?”
“Not right then. I kept going to my class but couldn’t stop thinking about it. I called him and asked him what he was doing, he said nothing, just hanging out, so I don’t think he had seen me. So. . . I told him I was thinking about him so much that I couldn’t concentrate on class and asked if I could come to his place. I don’t know what I expected when I got there, he was so, cool, you know how he always was? I got mad, not at him, but at the other girl, thinking she could steal him. Instead of confronting him, I jumped him. I. . .well, let’s just say I did my best to remind him of what a good thing he had.”
Just thinking of that morning got Melissa angry, how cocky Marcus was, knowing as she tore off his clothes that he might have just been with another woman, wanting to prove to him that she could be anything he wanted. Melissa looked for any hint Marcus had been cheating, anything in his voice or demeanor, but he was just the same, making her wonder if she could ever really trust him. She took him in her mouth, half expecting to smell and taste another woman, but as always she got lost in the lovemaking, listening to his voice, him saying how it turned him on to see her on her knees in front of him, how good it felt. “You think that feels good?” she had murmured, as she pulled off her clothes with one hand. “Try this.” And she had got on her hands and knees, reaching back for him, rubbing his cock against her dripping pussy, and then sliding it up to her ass. She had never had anal sex with him, with anyone, but she knew he had wanted it, he had used his fingers on her, but she had always resisted. Now she was going to do anything for him. And Marcus had practically lost control, moaning a little as he entered her, so tight, and then again as he came inside her, his cool broken for once, and at that moment she wasn’t thinking about anything else, not the other woman, not his infidelity, just how she was making him feel, how he was making her feel.
But after it was over, as surprisingly good as it was, she knew she could never fully trust him. He’d be able to lie to her face, he could be with her right after another woman, and she’d never know. She’d never be able to truly read him.
Julie was watching her carefully. “Did it work?”
“I don’t know. I guess so. But I could never be sure about him. Besides,” Melissa tried to laugh, “it was college. I had to grow up sometime. I wanted to be with a man I could trust.”
“You did okay. More than okay. Even my situation is good, given what some of our friends have to deal with.”
“I know,” said Melissa. “And I feel bad for not being happier. You know, I even wondered if Richard was having an affair, he seems so uninterested in me most of the time.”
“That’s crazy! He would never do that. Marcus I could see it, but not Richard.”
“I know. I was just looking for something to blame it on. That’s when I started working out even more, keeping fit. I didn’t want him to lose interest because of me.”
“You are in amazing shape,” said Julie. “I wish I had your dedication to be in the gym with your busy schedule. I’d die for your flat stomach and your gorgeous legs.”
“And I’d die for your boobs,” said Melissa, laughing.
“Big boobs are overrated,” said Julie. “They’ll sag someday. You’ll be happier with your perky tits, believe me.”
“I bet if we asked a guy, hell, I bet if we asked a hundred guys, ninety nine of them would prefer your boobs over mine.”
“So you think that’s it? Richard wants someone with big tits?”
Melissa shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. I knew some of the women he dated before me. Mostly jock types, on the slender side. Nothing in common except they were all in good shape. No silicone anywhere.”
“Too bad,” said Julie. “You could have gotten a boob job.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I would be willing to consider anything,” said Melissa.
“I’ll try to think of some ideas for you,” said Julie.
“Face it, you married the good guy, not the bad boy. Doesn’t mean you still can’t have both.”
Melissa was shocked. “I couldn’t cheat on Richard.”
“Everyone could cheat,” said Julie, looking away.
“Julie? Are you trying to tell me something?”
Julie grimaced. “No. I never cheated. But I did think about it once. I actually came pretty close. But I thought, what if it didn’t turn out to be that good? I would have taken all that risk for nothing. Although John would probably have never noticed. Sometimes I think he barely knows what I’m thinking. But if it had been with someone I knew, someone I had a history with, good sex. . . I don’t know. I might have.”
“I could never do it, even if I wanted to,” said Melissa. “Richard knows me too well. I could never lie to him. One time I faked an orgasm. He saw right through it. He made me promise never to do it again. He said he’d rather fail than we not be honest.”