Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  “The dining room is through here,” Adam said, breaking into her reflections. He walked toward the double doors across from the fireplace, still carrying Logan, who was now tugging on his tie.

  “Don’t strangle Uncle Adam, Logan,” Zoe said, following them.

  Logan grinned and gave the tie a firm yank. “Lala tie!”

  Adam gently removed the little hand. “Yes, it’s my tie, but I can’t breathe if you pull on it like that.”

  Logan reached for the tie again, evidently pleased with this new game. “Tie!”

  Adam lowered the boy to the floor.

  “Up!” Logan demanded, frowning in indignation at such an abrupt end to his fun and stretching his arms up toward Adam.

  With a shake of his head, Adam said, “If I carry you too long, I’ll be crippled under your weight.”

  Zoe chuckled at the dry tone and said to Logan, “You’re a big boy now and don’t need to be carried everywhere. Why don’t you walk next to Uncle Adam?”

  Logan grabbed a fistful of Adam’s pants. “Cla Lala.” He was capable of saying “Adam” now and could repeat it when prompted, but he didn’t seem to associate the word with his uncle.

  As far as Logan was concerned, Adam's proper name was "Lala."

  They’d entered the formal dining room, painted a deep gold with gorgeous wainscoting. It could easily fit a long dining table—far larger than Zoe would ever need.

  Her family was small. Just Logan and her mother.

  And Adam.

  She would never need this huge space for family dinners or holiday celebrations.

  She loved it though, and she gasped as she looked up to the ceiling. Above the chandelier, the ceiling was painted with images that looked like bright heaven breaking out through the night sky.

  “The mural was done in 1883,” Adam said, following her gaze to the ceiling. “It's nicely done, although nothing significant in the way of art. But they did a great job preserving it.”

  Zoe stared up, feeling that ache of longing in her chest again. It seemed absolutely unreal that all of this could belong to her.

  They moved from the dining room into the kitchen, which was nicely updated while still keeping the period character of the home. Then they went upstairs to see two decent-sized bedrooms. And finally Adam led them into the master suite.

  “Oh, wow,” Zoe breathed, looking around the sunny room which was about the same size as her current bedroom. In addition to the walk-in closet, there was also the master bathroom with a steam shower, a claw-foot tub, and two vanities.

  “They turned two bedrooms into this master suite,” Adam explained, standing beside her in the bathroom.

  She felt him watching her, and for some reason it made her self-conscious, so she smiled at him vaguely and went back into the bedroom.

  “So what do you think?” Adam asked, following her out.

  “It’s amazing,” she admitted, glancing over to see Logan playing with a drawer pull on the dresser.

  “You should move quickly if you’re interested. Once this goes on the market, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are offers above the asking price.”

  “It’s more than I wanted to spend,” Zoe said slowly, “I couldn’t buy this for what I get from selling the loft.”

  “I know that’s what you were hoping to do. But you could certainly afford this, if you want it.”

  She did want it. She wanted it so badly she could taste it. But her heart pounded strangely, and the ache in her chest had dropped to her belly.

  If she bought this, she would have to sell the loft. She would have to leave all of those memories of her life with Josh and start over without him.

  She glanced down at the wedding rings she still wore.

  “I don’t know,” she said, her voice oddly hoarse. With a sigh, she stared across the room at the accent wall behind the headboard, covered with what must be incredibly expensive ivory damask wallpaper. “What do you think?” she asked, turning to Adam.

  “It doesn’t matter what I think.”

  “I want to know. What do you think?”

  “It’s a beautiful house in a great location. It would be a fantastic investment.”

  Zoe frowned, studying his face, which revealed nothing at the moment. “Do you think I should buy it?”

  There was a long pause, and he glanced away from her as he reflected. Finally, he murmured, “Yes. I think it would be a great place for you and Logan. I think you both would really like it.”

  “Do you like it?”

  His dark eyes met hers again, and there was an oddly intense expression in them—one she couldn’t quite understand. “Yes. I do. I love it.”

  After a long moment, during which they stared at each other, Zoe jerked her eyes away, feeling rattled and a little breathless.

  She looked around the bedroom again and tried to imagine moving in here with Josh. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even picture her husband in this room. It didn’t seem like him at all.

  “Do you think Josh would have liked it?”

  When Adam didn’t answer immediately, she turned back toward him. Something had changed in his stance. “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t know if he would have liked this place.”

  “He probably wouldn’t, but this place is for you and Logan. And you like it.” His voice was mild again, but his expression was still tight, reined in—as if he were holding something back.

  “Yeah. I know. It’s just…”

  There was silence for a minute after she trailed off. Then Adam asked thickly, “It’s just what?”

  Zoe’s eyes darted back to his face. Anyone else wouldn’t have noticed it, but she knew him really well. And, to her, the tension in his body and the absolute composure of his expression seemed to mask something that was hurt inside him.

  She walked over without thinking and lifted a hand to cup his cheek. “Adam,” she whispered, “are you all right?”

  He closed his eyes. For just a moment, he seemed to lean his face into her palm. But then he drew back. “I’m fine. I know it’s hard for you to make a step like this without Josh. I can understand. But I hope you’ll do what’s best for you and Logan. And I really don’t see how you two can stay in the loft apartment for much longer.”

  “We can’t.” Zoe dropped her hand and felt irrationally disappointed that Adam had withdrawn—emotionally and physically—the way he had, even as she was relieved that the weird moment was over. “But it’s such a big decision that I’d like to think about it a little more.”

  “Of course. But, if you want this place, we should put an offer on it tomorrow.”

  Zoe nodded, her chest aching and her mind a confused blur of longing, grief, and excitement.

  “Logan,” Adam said, his tone changing as he strode over to where the boy had pulled out a drawer of the dresser whose knobs he’d been playing with. “That’s not ours to play with.”

  Logan made a whining noise at being admonished by his usually generous uncle, and he gave the drawer another tug.

  Adam scooped Logan up, ignoring his whimpers and then his wail of disappointment at another game of his ending prematurely. “Did you want to look at anything again?” Adam asked Zoe.

  “No. Thanks for arranging to show me this. I’ll make up my mind by tomorrow.”

  Because he was being ignored, Logan quieted down pretty quickly. And, when Zoe asked in a cheerful voice, “Do you want to look at the park, Logan?” the boy clapped his hands in excitement.

  They walked over to the park. Zoe and Logan went to investigate the paths through the trees, while Adam stopped at a bench to call up the agent handling the sale of the townhouse.

  After Logan had collected a number of leaves and rocks, they headed back toward Adam.

  When Zoe caught sight of him again, he was standing in the sun, talking on the phone. Sunlight illuminated his brown hair almost gold and made his handsome face seem to glow.

  As he glanced over, still deep in hi
s conversation, and saw them approaching, he smiled at her—a warm expression almost surprised on his face.

  Zoe felt a powerful surge of attraction, wanting him with an ache similar to the one she’d felt for the townhouse. It was emotional and physical both. She wanted him.

  Immediately, she suppressed the desire. Those waves of attraction hit her sometimes—they had ever since she’d gotten so aroused giving him the backrub a couple of months ago. But she usually managed to keep those feelings at bay, since they scared and bewildered her.

  She took Logan’s hand so he wouldn’t run over to Adam and interrupt his phone conversation and then she shifted the course of her thoughts, refusing to linger on how handsome and compelling Adam looked—smiling at her like that.

  * * *

  Zoe felt unusually tired so she went to bed early that evening. But then she couldn’t sleep. She kept brooding about the townhouse, wondering if she should buy it, wondering if Josh would want her to buy it, wondering if it mattered at all that it would never be a place Josh would have chosen to live himself.

  She tried to clear her mind. Tried to go to sleep. But she couldn’t do it. Eventually she started to cry.

  When she couldn’t stop, she got out of bed and went to the living room so she wouldn’t wake Logan. She picked up a framed photograph and stared at it, wiping away her tears. It was from their honeymoon in St. Lucia, and she’d been sitting on his lap on a beach chair. They both were grinning widely. They looked young and so happy. Zoe was staring directly at the camera, but Josh had been looking at her.

  Noticing his expression now, Zoe tried to swallow over more sobs. He’d loved her. It was so obvious in his expression. He’d wanted to go to Australia for their honeymoon, but it was such a long trip that Zoe had demurred, not wanting to spend half their time travelling. He’d relented and agreed to go to St. Lucia instead, because that was what Zoe had wanted.

  Suddenly, she knew. She knew.

  Wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her pajamas, she fumbled for her phone. She pressed a number and waited three rings until the call connected.

  “Zoe,” Adam demanded without greeting, “What’s wrong?”

  He sounded so urgent that she blinked. Then she realized it was after midnight. “Oh. Nothing. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking about the time.”

  “It’s not a problem. What is it?”

  Zoe was washed with a wave of embarrassment. “It’s nothing important. I didn’t realize it was so late. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

  “No, I wasn’t asleep.” He sounded odd—his voice thick with an unusual texture. “What’s going on, Zoe?”

  “It’s nothing,” she repeated, then realized how ridiculous that was to say. “I mean, I was just going to tell you I want to buy the house. I’ve decided.”

  There was silence on the other end, longer than she’d expected.

  “Adam?” she prompted.

  “That’s good. I think it’s a good decision. I wasn’t sure…” He trailed off and didn’t complete whatever he was going to say. “What decided you?”

  “It seems like the perfect place for me. The only difficulty was giving up the loft and moving somewhere that…that doesn’t have anything of Josh in it.”

  “I know. I realize that will be hard.”

  “But he loved me,” she said, her voice breaking as she stared down again at the expression in her husband’s face in the photograph. “He would want me to be happy. I know it sounds kind of clichéd. And obviously I’ve always known it was true. But you can know something without really knowing it. If you know what I mean.”

  After another pause, Adam said hoarsely, “I know what you mean.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll put in your offer first thing tomorrow. Do you want to offer the full price?”

  “I will—if you think that’s a good idea.”

  “I do. The asking price is more than fair, and they’ve done us a favor by not making us wait until it officially went on the market, when we might end up in a bidding war.”

  “Okay. Let’s do that then. Full price.”

  There was another pause on the end of the line. Zoe’s breath hitched as she finally processed how odd Adam had sounded through the whole conversation. Distracted, disconnected, with that thick resonance in his voice. It was the middle of the night. He claimed he hadn’t been to sleep.

  She wondered what exactly he’d been doing.

  With a sharp pang in her chest, she said, “I’m sorry I called so late. It was thoughtless. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

  “It’s fine, Zoe.” His voice was a little impatient, but it still sounded unusually throaty. And she noticed he didn’t actually deny that she’d interrupted something.

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning,” she said quickly, her cheeks burning again.

  When she hung up, she stared at her phone, wondering if her suspicions were correct and she’d interrupted Adam when he’d been with a woman.

  She knew he dated sometimes. There didn’t seem to be anyone serious, but she assumed that sex was part of his dating life.

  He’d sounded worried when he’d answered the phone. If he hadn’t thought that something was wrong, he probably wouldn’t have answered at all. And now Zoe was bombarded by images of him naked in bed, covered only by a sheet, with a gorgeous, tousled woman beside him. Kissing him. Stroking him. Turning him on.

  Her belly tightened. Her chest tightened. Her throat tightened. But she made herself breathe deeply and be reasonable about the whole thing.

  It didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything about their friendship or Adam’s place in hers and Logan’s life. He could have wild, passionate sex with anyone he wanted. He could fuck gorgeous woman until they screamed in ecstasy. Women could make Adam scream in ecstasy.

  It shouldn’t matter in any way to Zoe.

  But it did.

  The truth was— it did matter. It bothered her a lot. She hated the idea of it. Hated the image of him in bed with another woman.

  She knew Adam was off-limits to her. She knew she could never have him.

  And she knew it was irrational. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. But the truth was simply this.

  She didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

  Ten

  Zoe stared at herself in the mirror, telling herself she looked perfectly appropriate for a blind date.

  She wore heels, chocolate brown jeans, and a flattering top that didn’t show any cleavage.

  She didn’t want to go out on a blind date, but she was anyway.

  A couple of her friends had picked this guy, Ryan, out for her, and they’d been nagging her about it for a month.

  She’d been holding them off pretty well, but every conversation about it ended up becoming an inquisition about her relationship with Adam. They all figured that, if she didn’t want to go out with this guy, then she must already be attached to someone else.

  The questions about Adam were something Zoe couldn’t handle. She didn’t always know the answers to them, and that made her feel sick and guilty.

  Josh had been her husband. She shouldn’t be attracted to his cousin this way.

  Just the idea of it scared her. Had to be wrong.

  So she’d finally relented and agreed to the blind date, mostly just to get her friends off her back.

  She was smoothing down her hair when she noticed a glint of diamond on her left hand.

  She glanced down at her engagement and wedding rings.

  She really shouldn’t wear the rings on a date with someone else.

  With a familiar heaviness in her belly, she slipped them off and went to put them in Josh’s leather box.

  As the doorman rang up, saying that Ryan was here, Zoe felt strangely naked.

  She didn’t like the feeling at all.

  * * *

  When Ryan had called earlier that week, he’d asked where she wanted to go to dinner. She’d mentioned a new Italian place that Adam had been talking up, so that
was where they ended up going.

  It wasn’t a bad evening at all. Ryan was nice and cute and, by any normal criteria, would have been a great potential date for her. But, by the time dessert was eaten and the check came, she was ready for it to be over.

  She missed Logan. And, ridiculously, she kind of missed Adam too. While Ryan was very pleasant, it wasn’t the same as hanging out with Adam.

  Zoe had thought about asking Adam if he wanted to babysit tonight, but she felt a little strange about bringing up the date at all. So she hadn’t mentioned it one way or the other and had instead taken Logan over to her nanny, since the woman had school-aged kids and couldn’t stay at the loft in the evenings.

  Her nanny had suggested Logan just spend the night, since it would be late when Zoe returned and they would already be asleep. Zoe thought the woman might also have been thinking that Zoe might appreciate some privacy in the loft at the end of the date. It was a kind thought on her nanny’s fault, however ill-founded.

  There was no way she was going to bed with her blind date tonight.

  As they were leaving the restaurant, Ryan told her it had been great to meet her, and he put an arm around her in a casual half-hug. It didn’t feel pushy or presumptuous, so Zoe smiled up at him.

  Then something drew her eyes toward the door.

  A couple was entering the restaurant. The woman was slim with long brown hair, expensive clothes, and an exotic kind of beauty—and she was practically draped all over her handsome date. He wore a dark suit and an air of understated authority.

  He was Adam Peterson.

  Zoe stared, a surge of outraged entitlement and hot anger rushing over her at the sight of that brunette hanging all over Adam. She was so taken aback that she couldn’t move, even when Adam’s gaze swung over toward her.

  He froze too, his dark eyes taking in her outfit, her date, and Ryan’s arm, still wrapped around her.

  Since Zoe was trying to fight off the irrational urge to claw the flirtatious smile off the face of Adam's elegant date, she decided that lingering small talk wasn’t in order.