by Jenni James
I then thought about Zane. I was pretty sure he would understand me too, or at the very least, try to understand why it was so much easier to leave reality. When you were mentally gone, you were safe, free. You had no hard choices to make, or hurtful sisters to argue with.
I pulled away from that thought and sat up in my bed. Time to come back to reality again. Besides, I was pretty sure I had homework to do. Dragging my backpack over to me, I got out my notebook and laptop and went to work. Enough was enough—no matter how much I struggled with autism, my teachers really didn’t like it when I forgot to turn in my work.
Time to make them happy. At least somebody would be.
* * *
Maralyn didn’t make it to school the next day, or the day after that. Since the swelling got so bad overnight, Mom took her to the doctor the morning after she got hurt, and he recommended that she stay off it for a couple more days. When she didn’t show up to school people began to get worried.
I could hardly make it out of the school building after the final bell before the masses began to inquire.
“Hey, Ellyn!” Skyler jogged toward me, weaving through students in the crowded hallway just as I opened the main doors to walk out.
I held the door for him. “What’s up?”
He stepped into the sunshine and then moved us both a few paces away. “I heard Maralyn got hurt. Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she just sprained her ankle. Doc said to keep off it until tomorrow.”
He looked relieved. “I was worried when she didn’t show up again today that something worse might be going on.”
“Nope. Just her ankle. She’s in a lot of pain, though.”
“Wow. I hope she gets better soon.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. Skyler really was a sweetheart. “I’ll let her know you wish her well.”
Just then, Loni burst out the doors and down the few steps toward us. “Ellyn! Are you going home right now?” Hello? Couldn’t she see I was already in the middle of a conversation?
“Yes,” I answered shortly as I turned my attention back to Skyler. Hopefully, she’d get the hint.
She didn’t. “Good!” She grinned. “Can I walk with you? I’ve got a card for Maralyn.”
I didn’t even know they knew each other. And now she was going to find out where I lived. Nice. How could I get out of this? I sighed. “Sure.”
“Oh, do you mind if I tag along too?” Skyler’s face went bright red when I turned toward him.
“What did you say?”
He ducked his head and looked up at me. “I’m assuming she’s bored out of her mind and would like some company. Just asking if I could come.”
What could it hurt? Maybe he’d be able to buffer Loni. “I’m sure it’s no big deal. Come on.”
It really wasn’t that big of a deal. My mom would be fine with people coming to cheer her daughter up. Loni and Skyler carried the bulk of the conversation as we made the short trek together. He prattled on about teaching and how rough it can be while Loni spent the whole time dropping hints about how hard it is to be single, but unable to date.
Each time she did, I felt stabbed, and Skyler became a bit more leery of her. To a guy, I could see how that would come across like she was hitting on him, which was strangely a lot funnier than the truth.
As we went in the house, everything seemed to be going great. Maralyn was pleasantly surprised to have company—and loved having more listeners for the story of her twisted ankle. She was a good halfway through when the doorbell rang.
I left the little group and answered it.
There on the porch was Zane.
What in the world was he doing here? And how was I going to explain him to Loni?
CHAPTER TWELVE: Speak of the Devil
“Zane!” I gasped.
“I’m sorry. Is this a bad time? I was hoping to speak with you.”
I glanced behind me. No one had stepped out of the living room. “I—yeah, now is kind of bad,” I whispered.
He gently tugged on my hand and pulled me out the door. “Just for a few minutes, and then I promise to leave.”
“Okay,” I grumbled as I shut the front door. Maybe no one heard me answer it. My heart was beating too fast to think properly, and I was curious to find out what he wanted.
“Are you guys having a party or something?” he asked.
“No. A couple of people came to see my sister, who sprained her ankle. What do you need?”
“I just—I feel really bad for how things came off the other day. And I wanted to see how you were, and . . .” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. Make sure we’re chill and still friends.”
“Friends?” My eyebrows rose.
“Yeah. I just miss y—”
The front door opened, and Loni peeked her head out. “Ellyn, who are you—Zane! What are you doing here?” She moved onto the front step and looked suspiciously between the two of us.
I wanted to die. “He’d heard you were here and came by to see you,” I lied. It was stupid, I know. It really was. I should’ve just told her that he came to see me, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to create even more drama.
Zane, on the other hand, wasn’t taking it. “I’m sorry to hear Maralyn isn’t feeling well, but I actually was hoping to talk to Ellyn for a minute. To make sure we’re still okay.”
“What do you mean?” Loni asked.
I needed to put my hand to my face. “Nothing. He just wanted to make sure we’re still friends.” I looked up to him for reassurance.
“Yep.” His eyes met mine. “Are we?”
Oh, good grief. Why was he making a big deal out of this?
“So, you guys are planning on being all chummy, then?” Her hands went to her hips, and she smirked. It wasn’t a good look on her, but I didn’t say anything.
“I don’t know.” His gaze connected with mine again. “If I’m lucky. But Ellyn will need to decide that.”
Would it be awful to say I felt like I was somewhere far away and dreaming the words coming out of his mouth? That I craved this sort of friendship with this guy more than I did air? I needed someone to understand me and bring me the balance he seemed to bring. Would that be awful? Because I felt it. I felt every single bit of that. I was awful. I knew I was awful. My elbow itched, and I couldn’t think straight. And I missed him.
I took a deep breath.
Zane’s eyes never left mine. “Loni, could you give us just a few more minutes?”
I didn’t dare look at her. I could tell she was torqued by the way the door slammed as she went back in.
He closed his eyes and winced. “I’ve probably done the stupidest thing I could do, huh?”
“It was kind of rude.”
“Was it?” He looked at me again.
My heart was in my throat. “Yeah.”
“I’ll apologize and take her out tonight and try to explain this to her.”
“Explain what?” Seriously, I had no idea what this was.
He seemed lost. “I don’t know. All I know is that I think about you and worry about you and wonder what’s happening in your world. And hoping those around you are nice and that you’re fitting in—and mostly, I can’t sleep knowing I’ve hurt you.”
My breathing became more erratic. “This isn’t helping, though.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“Not even a little bit?”
Maybe. “No.”
“But why?”
“Because every time I talk to you, I feel guilty because you’ve got a super-angry girlfriend.”
“She’s nice, though … she’s not always angry. She’ll come around.”
“Still isn’t helping.”
“I know. But why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we argue about scientists and theories and rack our brains for cures and . . . where have you been all my life?”
“What?”
“I’m not kidding. Where have you been? I needed you in elementa
ry and middle school and the last three years at this high school. No one else thinks like you do. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like I’m missing out on the greatest opportunity I’ve ever had just because there are these no boy/girl friend rules when you have a girlfriend. Who makes these things up?”
I had to grin. He was kind of adorable. Then I nodded toward the house. “The angry girlfriends.”
“But I’ll explain it to her. I’ll tell her how there isn’t anything between us and how we’re just friends and it’s crazy to think there’s something more than that, right?”
I bit my lip at the look he was giving me. Like he wanted to kiss me right then.
Gah. I couldn’t handle this type of drama. “Go away, Zane.”
“No.”
“Now. Just go.” I pointed to his car.
His voice went a bit softer. “No.”
My heart sped up a thousand beats a second, and I could hardly breathe. “Yes.”
“Do you really want me to?”
No. Never. Stay. “I—uh—yes.”
“You hesitated.”
I tried not to chuckle. “I have autism. I always hesitate.”
“That’s because you’re smart.”
“Maybe.”
“If I broke up with her, you’d never talk to me again, would you?”
I shook my head. “No way. Never.”
“You value loyalty more than anything.”
I nodded. “Loyalty, security, trust …”
“You’re too good, Ellyn Dashwood. And way too good for me.”
“Don’t say that!” I took a deep breath and decided to be honest. “I like you. I wish we could be friends. I miss you probably way more than you miss me. But I don’t see how it’d be possible. I don’t like forbidden . . . weirdish things anyway. I like things straight and open. And not silly. And she loves you. Like, really loves you, in a way I wouldn’t know about. You guys go way back. Sure, I’m unique, I guess, and new. But I’m not someone you should break a promise for, and if I ever became that girl, I’d never forgive you. My own guilt would fester too much to want to be near you. I need to be free from that stress.”
“Did I hurt you?”
“Are you a sadist or something? Why are you so fascinated by if I’m hurt or not?”
“Because I care.”
“Well, stop. It’s weird.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes.” I nodded. “It is. Very.” I placed a hand on my hip. “Look, I’m just a girl who feels strongly and differently about things. I’m too blunt for my own good, but more than that, I’m not worth the anxiety.”
“Please be my friend.”
“And do what, Zane?”
“I’ve told you! Talk about things—discuss—”
“Scientists. Yes, I know. I meant, how? What’s your plan?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far. First was to convince you that this is worth a shot.”
“You really have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”
He broke his composure and laughed. “None at all. Nada. Zilch.” He opened his arms wide. “Honestly, this was just an impulse. I drove by your house like three times, up and down the street, and then finally knocked on the door. I haven’t practiced any of this.”
How could you miss someone who hurt you so much? “Is friendship even possible? We’re in high school. I don’t think it works the same way in the grown-up world.”
He smirked. “Grown-up world?”
“Are you mocking me right now?”
“Yep.” His face fell a bit as our eyes locked again. “Tell me what you want, and it’s yours. Anything.”
You. Not this. But you. Or maybe not you. A friend. Someone who sees me. You. Definitely you. I stared at him forever. I wanted to look away. I fought it so much—but I didn’t. Couldn’t. After a long time I said quietly, “I think I’d actually like this to work, please.”
The relief I saw pour over his face couldn’t be real, could it? This was the stuff in books and movies—I was sure of it. The kind of moments you only read about, but never experience.
He nodded and let out a breath. “Okay. Let’s figure this out. We’re both highly intelligent beings—well, one of us clearly smarter than the other . . .” He winked. “I’m sure we can come up with something.”
“I don’t know, but we need to hurry so I can get back to my sister, and Loni doesn’t—”
His eyes lit up. “My sister. That’s it. It’s perfect!”
“What is?”
Grabbing my hands, he answered, “We’ll be like brother and sister.”
“We will?”
“Yeah. I’ll just treat you like I would a sister. Forget the friend thing—there’s too much of a bond here for that anyway. Let’s just jump to family. This could totally work. I’ll explain to Loni that I see you as a sister, and everything will be fine.”
“Sister?” It took a second, but I was actually okay with that, strangely enough. Any guilt I had went away. “I’ve always wanted an older brother.”
He grinned. “Someone to argue with and protect you and worry about you?”
I smiled back. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Good. Then it’s settled. From now on, I’m that annoying older brother in your life.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. “Nice.”
He leaned forward and ruffled my hair with his hand.
Laughing, I pushed him away. “Okay, so maybe not that annoying.”
Then all of a sudden, he pulled me toward him and crushed me in a huge hug. Every bit of my sensory overload kicked into high gear. I didn’t do hugs. They were weird and awkward and a bit miserable. But his large chest wasn’t miserable. Maybe the way his arms trapped me was, but resting my cheek against his chest wasn’t miserable at all.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
It was wonderful to hear and feel his voice as it resonated through him. Slowly, my hands found their way to his back, and that felt kind of amazing too. “You’re welcome.”
He smelled good as well.
In fact, if I focused on all the really perfect parts of the hug instead of the trapped feeling, I realized I could very easily stay there a few minutes longer.
He pulled away, and I found myself a little lost again.
That gaze searched mine once more. “Sorry. I should—I should probably go.”
“Yeah.” Or heaven knew I’d be back in his arms.
He took another deep breath. “Okay. Then I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”
“Sure.”
“Right.” Zane gave a short little wave before taking a couple of steps back toward his car. “So, thanks again.”
Yeah, this was getting weird. How did you say good-bye to your fake brother? “Bye.” I guess just like that.
“Bye,” he said.
It wasn’t until he was almost to the car before we both remembered at the same time.
“Loni!”
He chuckled as he ran past me and opened the door. I let him go inside without me. As the front door closed, I wrapped my arms around myself and watched a car go by. The driver gave a neighborly wave, so I automatically waved back. This Bloomfield living was so much different than anything I’d ever experienced before. Everything was so much friendlier, I guess. It was odd. The New Mexico sunshine peeked brightly from behind a cloud above me. Warmth filled me to my toes. It was a good odd, though. And all at once, I felt there was a bit more happiness than there’d been an hour ago, too. Hope. And possibly—just possibly—new beginnings.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Three’s a Crowd
When I walked back into the house, Loni was saying good-bye to Maralyn, and Zane was with her—asking Mara how she was feeling, and talking to Skyler. I stayed in the background to give them some space.
After they left, I think Maralyn was kind of surprised to see Skyler chilling out on the couch and chattering away as if he planned to stay there
forever. When he wasn’t looking, she gave me a sort of “save me” face.
I didn’t know how she thought I could help. I had no idea what to do any more than she did. And I also didn’t think having him over for a little longer was all that bad. He was interesting—we talked about school and his family here in Bloomfield. It wasn’t like he was trying to go all crazy with political conspiracy theories and stuff. No, he was cool.
But I could tell Maralyn needed something more exciting. Just when I thought she’d lose it and point him toward the door, the doorbell rang. I ran to get it.
It was Harrison.
Instantly, her demeanor changed and her face brightened—happiness bubbled from her as soon as she saw me walk in with him. “Harrison! I’m so glad you came. Come in.” She sat up straighter and ran her hands through her hair. “What took you so long?”
He walked over and handed her a bouquet of flowers. “Even though these aren’t as beautiful as you are, hopefully they can lift your spirits anyway.”
She sighed.
He was good. I had to give him credit for that.
And it would seem that Skyler could take a hint. “Well, thank you for putting up with me this long.” He nervously grinned as he stood up. He was a little shorter than Harrison. “Glad you’ve got company to keep you busy. I’ll see you around, Maralyn. Hope you feel better soon.” He walked to the doorway and turned back, waiting to see if she’d reply.
Harrison sat down on the seat Skyler had vacated, and Maralyn was so lost in Harrison, she didn’t even notice that Skyler had been talking to her.
“Maralyn,” I said. “Skyler’s leaving. Would you like to say good-bye?”
“What?” She glanced over. “Oh. Good-bye.” And then her attention and smile were once again turned to Harrison.
“Sorry,” I whispered to Skyler as we headed toward the door. My face flushed in embarrassment for him. No one deserved to be treated like that.