[16] Author’s note: This story is basically an absurd retelling of the rivalry between the famous Kellogg Brothers (yes, the makers of the cereal). If you don’t know about the rivalry between the Kellogg Brothers then let me be the first to tell you. You should know – the older Kellogg Brother, Harvey, loved to get morning enemas while dictating his health pamphlets. Eventually, his younger brother, Will, branched off from his older brother’s spa and health business for celebrities and created his first cereal. This led to years of lawsuits and competition between the two brothers. If one brother donated $500 to a charity, the other would try and top him. They even sued each other over the usage of their own last name. Their only form of communication was through their sister via letters, which is the basis for this story. Harvey died first. It is said that when Will died, he died with a picture of his brother on the desk next to him. The two were never able to reconcile. The best version of this story (much better than my synopsis or Wikipedia) can be found in George Howe Colt’s Brothers –link goes to Amazon, which I highly recommend.
[17] This story was inspired by the fact that Governor Christie spent 300,000 dollars on food and entertainment over a five year period. Read the Time article about it; the Daily Mail article about it. The Rick Perry inclusion came from the fact that, well let’s face it, that man continues to amaze both Texans and the world with his constant shenanigans.
[18] I must apologize if this paper is blunt, which, while unprofessional of me, should be duly noted for the mere fact that I care enough to make an apology. From all accounts of Healy, he was cold-hearted, slightly insane and a braggart. Lisa King exhibits his character perfectly in a chapter entitled “He’s Just Kind Of Evil” in her e-book, The Most Followed Man in the World: An Examination of Broderick Healy’s Upvotes and Downvotes (New York: Crown Bed Books, 2023).
[19] The path that FrogFeet took from start-up to most popular service in the world is now difficult to trace, especially after the Great Reset of 2030. For more on this subject, see my forthcoming book FrogFeet and the Pond it Destroyed (New York: Random House, 2033).
[20] Pedro J. Wronglook, “Vine Me,” in Social Brewings: A Study of New Media Platforms, edited by Chico Dwight (New York: Interpublishings, Inc. 2027) p. 242. Detailed information regarding early twenty-first century social media is explored in Lonnie Pocketbook’s, All You Need to Know About Everyone Around You (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2029).
[21] Casper Freud, “Like and Dislike : Facebook’s Unique Foray into the Business of Money and the War that Followed.” The New Yorker, Vol. 26, No. 2. (October 2029): 97.
[22] Healy never met RedPill and BluePill face to face. All their correspondence was done through an encrypted e-mail account that never sent outgoing messages. For more, see Malcolm Gladwell’s Healy, War and Repercussions: Say Yes to Evil Success (Harper Collins, 2034).
[23] Why he didn’t just use a photo of Shutterstock, or any other internet picture provider, is explored in Jasper Bookbun’s piece, “Photoshopping Demons,” in The Philosophy of Photoshop, edited by I-Paint McCallister (New York: Soko Publishing House 2031), p. 60.
[24] “Healy was, like, Super Lame in High School,” New York Post, 19 October 2029, sec A. p. 1.
[25] John Lucy Crabcakes, “The Monster Inside.” Esquire, Vol.11, No.9. (October 2032): 34.
[26] Crabcakes, 36.
[27] Peter Bunplugs. THIS IS NOT OK: The Ultimate Guide to Workplace Dos and Don’ts (New York, NY: Pearson Educational Publishing, 2034) p. 665.
[28] “Suicide Rates Increase Twofold,” Chicago Tribune, 20 November 2029, sec B. p. 11.
[29] “The Comcast Blues,” San Francisco Chronicler, 05 December 2029, sec c. p. 1. Strangely the Blues became extremely popular during the time period now known as the Internet Blackout or Dark Ages Squared. Physical Blues album sales were up, as many people went through bouts of depression and denial. A Blues band called NetBlues released songs specifically about what the two singers missed about the internet. Their album, DarkAgesSquared, sold more copies that fall than Kanye West’s YEEZUS TWO: IMA LET YOU FINISH. In 2030, they collaborate with West on his album, AIN’T NO NET: AIN’T NO YE’. The song, “Can’t Delete Me (F/U/Healy),” won Collaboration of the Year at the 2030 Grammy Awards.
[30] Widely believed to be the first personal computer, the Altair 8800 was designed for enthusiasts. After being featured on the cover of Popular Electronics, thousands of units were sold. The first programming language for the primitive machine was Microsoft’s Altair BASIC.
[31] He constantly had to replace keyboards after falling asleep on them and drooling on the keys.
[32] President Richman Notyou, Baffling Times and Clear Messages (New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2033) p. 105.
[33] Conny Linguist, “Gates and the First World Internet War,” Newsweek, Vol. 23, No. 01 (January 2030): 26.
[34] Braun Nozer, “Gates at the Gates,” The New Yorker, Vol. 43, No. 08 (February 2030): 53.
[35] Yes, their legal names, which helped TigBit and Gates track them.
[36] “RedPill and BluePill’s Father Speaks Out,” Delhi Times, 18 November 2029, sec. B. p. 12.
[37] This agent’s name has been redacted.
[38] The United States Federal Government, “Advanced Phone Line Protocol” The Nixon Administration’s Classified Documents, 1969-1971, http://unclassifieddocuments.us.gov/amen/letmypeoplego/gr8/comeatmebr0.html
[39] Bull Butte, “The Quest for the Red Button,” in Killing the Internet Softly with his Tech (New York: Seal Books, 2033) p. 143.
[40] “Don’t be Social,” The Telegraph, 31 October 1929, sec. B. p. 3.
[41]“Gates Go Cray,” YouTube video, 9:32, from a private filming of a conference room call, February 28, 2030, posted by Bull Butte, April 1, 2030,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=donth8orbl8.
[42] Dick Filler “It’s Where I was Most Comfortable,” Slate, January 15, 2030, http://eepurl.com/bj9W25.
[43] Yes, they do exist.
[44] ‘Healy Presumed Dead,’ Herald Sun, 16 January 2030, sec. A. p1.
Dear NSA: A Collection of Politically Incorrect Short Stories Page 16