Beyond the Checkpoint

by Addison M. Conley

“I don’t know about this time. I can’t stop…the nightmares…I can’t sleep. I can’t forget Dustin.” Tears ran down Lynn’s cheeks, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t see the other faces, but I see all their suffering. It just won’t go away.”

  Ali cupped the side of Lynn’s face. “I want to help.”

  Lynn opened her eyes then stepped further away. “I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could take it all back. Every fuckup—”

  “I could have at least given you more of a chance to explain.”

  “Ali, it wouldn’t have mattered.” Lynn rubbed her face. “I…I thought things would get better once I was away from the alcohol and back into the mission.” She turned her back to Ali and hung her head. “I’m a danger to everyone here. I’m going home. Going into a full-time program.” She began folding again, but her hands trembled.

  The tears streamed down Ali’s face. “I love you, Lynn.”

  Lynn paused but didn’t say a word.

  “Please say something. Anything.”

  “Ali, I’m damaged goods, and I’m not relationship material. I’m sorry, I have no more to give. You should leave now.”

  The words cut through Ali.

  “I’ll let you finish. I wish you the best with your therapy.” Ali’s hand was on the doorknob, but she couldn’t turn it. “Please let me know how you’re doing.”

  “I can’t make any promises.”

  The words were spoken so softly that Ali barely heard them. She jerked the knob and ran out. The sound of her feet echoed as she rushed down the hall. She closed her door and crumpled onto the bed, burying her face in the pillow.

  Chapter 14

  Thanksgiving 2008 – Kabul, Afghanistan

  Ali stepped out into the evening. It was a crisp forty-three degrees Fahrenheit. Off in the distance, Vicki waved goodbye to a British officer then jogged over to Ali.

  “That was a lovely Thanksgiving dinner,” Vicki said. “It was nice that the British team joined us.”

  “Especially the blond, muscular Wing Commander Oliver Hamilton.”

  “Yeah, he’s a gentleman.” Vicki walked straight ahead. A wide grin gave away her feelings.

  Ali raised her eyebrows. “It seems you know him well.”

  “Oliver’s work at the UK embassy brings him to the ISAF headquarters building a lot.”

  “Uh huh. I thought you’d been spending extra time at the headquarters building. Has he kissed you?”

  Vicki smacked her arm. “Yes, Miss Nosy.”

  “And?” Ali twirled her hand.

  “He gives the most toe-tingling kisses.”

  “That’s it?”

  “No sex, if that’s what you mean. Some of us prefer to wait a little bit for a more romantic location. Getting caught in the barracks and sent home is not how I’d like to end my career.”

  “Ouch.” Ali grabbed her chest, pretending to be mortally wounded. “So, what’s the next step? You seem pretty enamored with him.”

  “His twenty-two-year service mark is in three months. He’s going home after Christmas and retiring.” The wicked grin was back. “I have leave coming, and he invited me to visit.”

  “Soooo that’s what you’re waiting for. Oh, you go girl.”

  “Get your mind out of the gutter.” She winked at Ali. “But I’ll consider it, should the opportunity arise.” They both snickered.

  Ali gazed up at the stars. It had been quiet around the city for the past two weeks. No mortar attacks, no car bombs, no IEDs blowing apart armored vehicles. She hoped it would stay that way for just a little while longer.

  “Ali, I heard from Lynn the other day. They’re not kicking her out—not yet—but she has to complete the six months of intensive therapy before they will even consider retaining her. She asked me to relay the info.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  Ali swung around. “She’s been gone for nearly two months, and I’ve emailed her so much that I feel like a stalker. I even sent her a card. What have I gotten from her? Nothing! Not one blasted word until now, and it was through you.”

  “Gee, I’m so sorry. You never told me.”

  “What use is it crying over a lost cause. Lynn made it clear on her last day—no guarantees.” Ali rubbed her eyes. “I do wish her the best, but she’s the one who ended it and did so with a knife through my heart.”

  Speakers in the distance blared with the Isha call to prayer. When Ali first arrived in Afghanistan, she didn’t understand how people could tolerate the daily prayers playing over the loudspeakers, especially the one after midnight. Over time, the melodic tones had grown on her.

  “Paul told me about your job offer. Are you going to take it?” Vicki asked.

  “No.”

  “Are you crazy? Besides a pay increase, you’d be traveling to meetings around D.C. instead of the damn streets of Kabul. Most importantly, you’d be going home early and have Christmas with your family. If I were a civilian, I’d hop on it in a second.”

  “I’d rather be working with the operators. I kind of like you crazy guys.”

  “Ali, it’s a team captain post in the National Counterterrorism Center. You have a chance to hit the enemy from another direction. Give it some serious consideration, please. Another opportunity like this may not come along.” Vicki hugged her.

  “Are you switching teams on me?”

  “Don’t you wish.” She grabbed Ali’s shoulders. In the glow of the dim overhead camp light, Ali could barely make out her solemn features. “I’m doing you a favor by hauling my ass out of bed in the middle of the night and taking your place tomorrow. Promise me you’ll think about this job.”

  “Okay, okay. Now get to bed. 0430 comes early.”

  “Aye, aye, captain.” Vicki mock saluted her.

  Ali laughed and went off to finish her shift at the Ops Center.

  The next morning, Ali hustled over to Paul’s office.

  “I was told to report right away. What’s so urgent that I have to skip breakfast?”

  “Relax. The colonel’s out of the office.”

  She poured herself a cup of coffee and sunk into the chair. “You could at least offer a girl some cookies.”

  Paul was leaning over papers on the desk. His hand hid his face.

  “What’s going on buddy?”

  “I think you should go home.” He played with a pen in one hand while still hiding his face with the other hand. “I could get you out of here by 20 December.”

  “I’m not taking the job. My orders say my ten-month tour ends in early February, and that’s when I’ll leave.” Crossing her legs, she took a gulp. “Management is not the job for me. At least not right now.” Paul had been trying to talk her into it for days. Apparently, he wasn’t giving up. The chair squeaked loudly as he shifted. She put the cup on his desk. “Are you going to talk to me?”

  Paul pivoted away from her and rocked back and forth.

  “Paul, what’s wrong?” When he turned, she gasped at his red, swollen eyes. Why has he been crying?

  “I’m not very good at this.” He sniffled and wiped his eyes. “The convoy to Bagram hit an IED a couple of hours ago. An interpreter, a lieutenant—”

  He choked and stopped mid-sentence. A tear rolled down his cheek. Ali’s heart raced.

  “Ali, Vicki died. I wanted to tell you, so you didn’t hear it from others.”

  Her breathing slowed to a near standstill, and she felt faint. Tears rolled down her cheek. “That was supposed to be me,” she choked out.

  “Stop it with the survivor’s guilt. Vicki wouldn’t want that.” Paul came around to catch her and wrap her in his arms before she fell over. She could feel his body shake slightly. His voice quavered. “Once a deployer, always a deployer. You know, they’ll ask you to return again. Right now, you have a chance for a break. Get the hell out of here. Go home. Get refreshed and go to work kicking ass at the National Counterterrorism Center. Don’t waste this lucky s
hot.”

  Paul’s words faded, and everything was a blur. She sobbed, limp in his arms for several minutes, before she could gather herself together. Grabbing a pen off the desk, she scribbled the name of the British officer and handed it to Paul.

  “Wing Commander Oliver Hamilton. Who’s this?”

  “It’s the Brit who…” Ali sucked in a breath and forced back the emotions. “Vicki was seeing him. He’s stationed out of the UK embassy but comes here frequently. She was going to take R&R after Christmas to visit him.” She wiped her eyes. “I don’t think I have the strength to tell him. Would you please do it for me? I know that’s a lot to ask.”

  “Of course, I will. But sweetie, get your head around the fact that this isn’t your fault. He won’t blame you either. The only ones at fault are the terrorists.”

  She nodded and excused herself to clean up in the restroom.

  The cold sting of the water only helped so much. Just as Ali got everything under control, she’d chock back up with tears. I’ll never know the person who killed you, Vicki, but I’m damn sure going to do as much as possible to stop the IED networks.

  Ali shuffled back to Paul’s office.

  “Get me home. I’m taking the job.”

  PART II

  2010

  Chapter 15

  Memorial Day, 31 May 2010 – Northern Virginia

  Two Years Later

  Stephanie tossed down the dish towel and put her hand on her hip. “Ali, you’re nuts to consider another deployment. Your finances are back on track. I don’t get it. Why the risk-taking? Is that because of your job? Do they require you to deploy every two years?”

  “You should leave it up to the men,” Kevin said as he entered the kitchen, grabbed the platter of burgers and exited to the back deck.

  Ali drummed her fingers on the countertop and bit the inside of her mouth. It wasn’t worth the fight to argue with her older siblings’ conservative views.

  “Mom, you should talk some sense into her,” Stephanie said.

  Standing and pushing her chair in, their mother said, “Well, being a photo interpreter is an important job. I’m proud of Ali’s sense of duty. If you’ll excuse me, it’s too gorgeous of a day to be cooped up in the house.”

  Ali suppressed a laugh at the old phrase that was used to describe her profession years ago. If only her family knew how integrated and complex imagery analysis had become. The screen door slammed, and Stephanie took in a breath and blew out an exaggerated huff.

  “Guess that says it all. I never understood how Mom went along with all of Dad and Kevin’s rigid beliefs, but when it came to your job in a male-dominated field, she never had a bad word to say. She’s always been proud of your work accomplishments.” Stephanie waved her hand. “I remember the old National Geographic magazines stashed in the attic. I figured they belonged to Dad, not Mom.”

  “Yeah. Did I ever tell you about the time she asked me about satellite pictures?”

  “No.”

  “I couldn’t answer for security reasons, and when I hesitated, Mom mentioned reading an article on NASA and the U.S. Geological Survey Landsat satellite program. I wasn’t sure if I was shocked more by her knowledge of satellites as much as her knowing who and what USGS did. Whose mom strikes up a conversation on remote sensing and agricultural crop analysis?”

  Through snorts of laughter, Stephanie said, “I never in a million years would have guessed you two shared the same geek fascination for geography and maps. At least, there was something you could bond over.” She mixed the salad.

  “Yeah.” And it’s about the only thing Mom and I have in common.

  “It’s good to have you here for the picnic. We missed you last year. I can’t believe work sent you to a conference on a holiday weekend.” Stephanie squeezed Ali’s shoulder. “I need to take a few things outside. It’s a warm day, and there’s not a patch of shade on that deck. Be right back.”

  Ali pinched the bridge of her nose and sucked in a deep breath as she thought back on Memorial Day last year. Lying about the conference was easy. Visiting Vicki’s grave was not, but Ali had to say goodbye in her own way. I miss you, Vicki. Your Colorado hometown was pretty. Ali wiped her eyes. You’d understand about this second deployment, my friend. I need to be productive and help out in the fight.

  “You’re deep in thought.”

  Ali jumped at the sound of Stephanie’s voice. “I didn’t hear you come back inside.”

  “Look, Sis. You know I don’t always agree with Kevin or Mom. I’m just worried.” Stephanie chewed on her bottom lip. “They work you ninety hours or more a week, which has to be wearing you down. It’s hard on us, too. We worry about you getting hurt or killed. So, why are you going?” She rested her hand on top of Ali’s, waiting for an answer.

  Ali blinked several times. Her relationship with Stephanie was better than with Kevin but not free from arguments. Today, Stephanie was extremely kind.

  “I miss the work. Overseas, I support all levels, and even the simplest map or image product that helps our guys move around safely makes me feel a sense of satisfaction that I don’t get here.” It’s the truth, just not the whole truth. I want to nail those IED bastards. “Briefing a congressman or a group of VIPs seems like filling a black hole.”

  Stephanie chuckled, and Ali’s mood lightened. “Yeah, the D.C. powers have to mull over every detail and argue for months or years before they take action. I guess that’d be a little detrimental in a war zone.” Stephanie patted her arm. “I love you, and I’m proud of you but still think you’re nuts.”

  “Of course, she is.” Denise bounced into the room. “What’s going on? Don’t you goofballs smell the food outside? The burgers are almost ready.”

  “Ali’s deploying again.”

  Denise smacked Ali on the shoulder as she walked by. “Certifiable crazy, but intelligent crazy. When do you go?”

  “Late July.”

  “Okay, you’re definitely off your rocker. Isn’t it hotter than hell?” Denise grabbed a bowl of Stephanie’s homemade candied almonds.

  “I can’t believe with all the danger you’re talking about the weather.” Stephanie grabbed the bowl from Denise. “And save some for after dinner.”

  “Well, talking about blood and gore isn’t going to change anything. Besides, there are a lot of cute women in uniform. Maybe Ali will find a girlfriend.” Denise winked.

  Stephanie’s face drained, and her eyes darted to the screen door. “Stop talking so loud. You’ll upset—”

  “You, Mom or Kevin?”

  “I don’t have much of a problem, but you know it bothers them.” Stephanie wet her lips.

  Denise said, “The optimum word there in your sentence was much.”

  Ali sprang out of the chair. “I didn’t come over to hear family arguments. Drop it, Denise.”

  “Sure, but it’s been several months since you went out on that last disastrous date. You know there are plenty of good women out there waiting for you. I bet some cute officer in her dress uniform is waiting to sweep you off your feet.”

  Ali’s mouth hung open. At eight years younger, Denise liked to poke. Suddenly, Kevin appeared at the back door. “Dinner’s ready, and Scott and Aunt Judy are here.”

  As they shuffled out, Denise leaned over and whispered, “Did I hit a nerve?” Ali whipped around. Her jaw tightened. Denise put up her hands. “Okay, okay. I’ll drop it.”

  Ali hugged her favorite aunt and Scott’s wife and kids. Besides Denise, Aunt Judy and Scott and his family were the only ones who accepted her for who she was.

  Scott bounced up the steps and gave Ali a one-arm bear hug. “Hey, little cuz. You should work with me more often. The customers from the last house can’t stop raving about the interior. Thanks for helping me out.” He announced to the party, “I’ve brought my famous bratwurst casserole.”

  As everyone piled food onto their plates, Ali hung back. She rested her elbows on the deck railing and stared at the flag, softly
flapping in the breeze.

  I wish you were here, Vicki. I will make a difference, even if it’s small.

  Chapter 16

  August 2010 – Paktia Province, Afghanistan

  Ali’s Second Deployment

  Dust billowed out and floated away as Ali sprayed down her computer with a can of air. She sneezed hard through the bandana that was serving as a mask.

  “The only thing worse is being on a combat outpost,” she muttered.

  “Be careful what you wish for. We travel to a few every now and then. It would be a good experience for you,” JETT’s Sergeant Michele Miller shouted as she walked by.

  Ali waved, put the computer casing on, and walked back inside. The jury-rigged door slammed and hit her backside.

  God, this place is a dump. The entire building looks like it was built from scraps. Makes me wish I was back in Kabul.

  “Prop it open. We need some air,” Lieutenant Hernandez shouted.

  Top-secret Ops Center my ass. Arguing was useless. If she didn’t do it, someone else would. The Army Brigade in control of the Ops Center bent rules. Rules that would make the hair on Washington’s security people catch on fire.

  With the computer positioned on her plywood desk, she patted the top as it went through the boot-up routine, then blew her nose. Damn dust.

  “Overheating again?” One of the sergeants asked.

  “Yeah, I have a part coming in a couple of days.”

  Sipping from her water bottle, she grimaced and pushed it aside. It had gone warm hours ago and had a funny aftertaste.

  Someone turned up their computer speaker to full volume. The voice of Rush Limbaugh filled the room: “I’m a huge supporter of women. What I’m not is a supporter of liberalism. Feminism is what I oppose. Feminism has led women astray. I love the women’s movement — especially when walking behind it.”

  The contractor at that computer added his own chauvinistic remarks. He nodded at Ali, laughing and bouncing on his toes.

  What are you, a fucking bobblehead doll?

  Lieutenant Hernandez shouted, “Tone it down. This is a politically neutral space.” His grin showed where he stood, but that was nothing new to Ali.