by Raine Thomas
She loved Keith. This was just a physical extension of that.
She pushed those thoughts aside and organized what she wanted to discuss with him. She wasn’t about to miss something important during this rare opportunity to learn more about him.
He unlocked his door and deactivated his security system. She closed and locked the door behind her, following him into the family room.
Sinking onto the comfortable sofa and throwing his arm over the back, he asked, “What do you want to know?”
She should have known there would be no small talk. Easing down onto the sofa a foot or so from him, she asked the first question that came to mind.
“Was Nikki your first serious relationship?”
That hadn’t been what she had intended to ask first, but now that it was out there she realized she’d wanted to know for a while.
“She was my first attempt at one,” he allowed.
“What made you decide to try with her?”
He looked out the glass patio doors over Sydney’s shoulder as though lost in thought. “I’ve asked myself that a lot since meeting you, Slick,” he murmured.
“What do you mean?”
Returning his gaze to her, he explained, “I mean that you’ve made me realize I was looking for the right thing with Nikki. I was just looking for it with the wrong person.”
“Oh.” She paused. “Well, what made you want to look for the right thing?”
He ran a hand through his dark hair and didn’t meet her eyes. “Look, my history with women has been exactly what you probably think.”
She wasn’t sure she wanted to know, but she felt very strongly that she needed to. “Tell me anyway.”
Just when she thought he wouldn’t, he spoke. “I’ve been playing in bands since I was fifteen. Women have always fallen at my feet. I’ve never had to work at getting them into bed or anywhere else I wanted to take them. I couldn’t give you a number if I wanted to...and I don’t.”
The words hurt more than she expected. Doing her best to keep her feelings to herself, she nodded to encourage him to continue.
“Those women all knew exactly what they were doing, Sydney. None of them were in it for the long haul and I made it clear I wasn’t either. All I wanted was sex. But those years of faceless encounters...they wore on me. I started losing interest a couple of years ago. I guess you could say the thrill was gone.
“I think Nikki saw that. She pursued me longer than anyone else ever had. She was more invested, you could say. So it made me want to be more invested.”
The ugly blade of jealousy carved into her heart. Sydney may have asked for this, but she wasn’t able to fight how the truth made her feel. Nikki hadn’t deserved Keith’s first attempt at a serious relationship. She had only wanted him because he was a rock star.
“I guess that shows that you were growing as a person,” she said quietly.
“I don’t know if I’d give myself that much credit. I think I was just damn tired and wanted a change. Then a couple of weeks later, you came along.” He stared intently at her as he said it, his eyes seeming to peer into her soul. “I didn’t realize it until recently, but I started comparing Nikki to you the first night I met you.”
Her heart squeezed at that. “You did?”
“Yeah. And you know what? She always came up lacking.”
It was hardly a declaration of undying love. Sydney still found herself smiling. With Keith, she figured she would always have to read between the lines to decipher how he felt. Her smile faded as she thought of something else she needed to ask even though it made her uncomfortable.
“With all of those women,” she said carefully, “have you been tested for...”
“Yes,” he replied, thankfully not making her feel awkward for asking. “Christopher sends us all for blood work routinely to screen for any health issues. He says we have to be healthy to tour. He doesn’t want to risk upsetting fans by canceling a show if one of us gets sick.”
Sydney couldn’t deny her relief. “Okay.”
He scanned her features before adding, “I’ve never had unprotected sex, Sydney. Not even when I was a kid. My father is an abusive asshole, but he drilled that much into me. I wasn’t about to risk my health or leave a woman pregnant. That kind of responsibility was the last thing I wanted.”
More tension that she hadn’t known was centered between her shoulder blades eased from her. “That’s good. But...you used needles in the past, right?”
“Jesus. You’re not pulling any punches, are you?”
She fought her discomfort over the look in his eyes. This was something they had never discussed. Before they moved forward, she knew they needed to.
“It’s part of you, Keith,” she said gently. “Do you hold my past against me?”
“Of course not, but—”
“No buts,” she interrupted, reaching over and taking his hand. “We’re two different people. We’ve had two very different paths but they’ve both led us here. If we’re going to try and navigate this new path together, we need to be open with each other.”
He pulled his hand from hers and shifted so he was facing the fireplace across the room rather than her. He rubbed both hands along his face and then settled with his elbows braced on his knees.
“I’m not proud of my past, Sydney,” he said.
The pain she heard in his voice tugged at her heart. “Do you think I’m proud that I was naïve enough to fall for someone who—”
“Stop. Don’t ever hold yourself accountable for what that bastard did. That’ll just piss me off.”
The words brought a sharp sting to her eyes...not because of his anger, but because he was angry on her behalf. She forced the emotion back. She didn’t want it to interfere with this conversation. She had no idea whether Keith would ever confide in her like this again.
“How old were you when you first starting using?” she asked.
He sighed, once again leaning back. “I was sixteen.”
“So young,” she murmured.
“I started everything young. My childhood wasn’t anything like the storybooks. My parents fought over every damn thing. I was six when they finally split. They should have done it years earlier.”
Sydney remembered Megan’s side of the story and was tempted to say something. It wasn’t her story to tell, though.
“It’s no shocker that I hated school,” he continued. “I managed to scrape by with passing grades by conning my teachers and convincing my friends to do my work for me.”
She considered his last name, Connors, and the band nickname he had earned, Con Man. It almost made her smile to know how fitting both names were.
“Music was my outlet,” he said. “I actually focused in music class. Turned out that music was about all I could read. My third grade music teacher, Mr. Fontaine, must have seen something in me. He gave me an old acoustic guitar and a couple of books full of sheet music, telling me to have at it.”
“That’s the guitar I used in the studio, isn’t it?”
He nodded. She had known it was old and well-loved. If she had known the full story behind it, it would have meant even more to her to use it.
“I love that guitar.” A fleeting smile touched his lips and then vanished. “Anyway, I learned that I could determine pitch by ear and that I had good instincts with the guitar. By the time I was ten, I was sneaking out of my room at night to visit local bars and watch the bands play. My father was always too drunk to notice. I guess people took pity on me. Instead of kicking me out, they helped me learn how to play properly. I found my true connection with the bass. It speaks to me.”
She could understand that. The bass was deep and sensual, two traits that Keith probably thought didn’t apply to him.
He was wrong.
“Lex arrived when I was thirteen. When I found out I had a sibling on the way, I told myself I didn’t care. It had nothing to do with me. After Lex was born, Megan wouldn’t let up until I went to see her. So I w
ent, telling myself I’d make an appearance to shut her up and then let them live their happy lives.
“Then I held Lex. She looked right at me and...I don’t know.”
Sydney understood. He and Lex had bonded instantly. He wasn’t comfortable admitting such strong attachments though, not even to himself.
“I didn’t know about the Down Syndrome diagnosis until after that. Learning about the challenges Lex would face changed me a lot. I wanted to try and set a better example for her. I tried participating in school, but I was so far behind that I knew I’d never catch up without help.” His expression was carefully blank as he continued, “Against my better judgment, I asked my father to hire me a tutor. He told me to figure it out my damn self.”
Sydney’s heart ached for him. The teacher inside her couldn’t bear the thought of him struggling so much, especially when he wanted to learn. It couldn’t have been easy for someone with Keith’s pride to ask for help. She couldn’t even fathom how she would have felt if one of her parents dismissed her needs so harshly, never mind that Keith had only had one parent to turn to in the first place.
Knowing he wouldn’t welcome her sympathy, she kept her feelings to herself.
“I finally dropped out of school when I was fifteen. There was a local band, Limitless Souls, who had been asking me to play with them. We headed into L.A. and cut a record. It did pretty well, actually. We developed a following faster than I had ever dreamed.
“A lot of that time is a blur now,” he said, his brow furrowing as though he was trying to recapture the lost memories. “I thought I was ready for the rock n’ roll lifestyle. I wasn’t. Things spiraled out of control. Drugs, sex, partying too hard...it became the norm. In a little more than a year, the band dissolved due to irreconcilable differences. I hit rock bottom.”
She wanted to reach for his hand again. The look on his face when he turned to her made her squash the impulse. He didn’t want or need hand-patting right now.
“At that point it was either crawl back home to my father or sober up and look for another gig. So I used what money I hadn’t squandered on drugs and entered rehab.”
“That couldn’t have been easy,” she said when he trailed off.
“It was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done,” he admitted. “Months of hell you would never believe. At first I kept thinking of what I’d lost. Then I wondered what the hell I was going to do with my life once I was discharged. I think that fear kept me in rehab longer than the addiction did.
“When I was finally discharged, Christopher tracked me down. I found out later that he had considered repping Limitless Souls at one point but he considered the band too volatile. I guess he’d seen something in me though, like Mr. Fontaine had. Christopher asked me to audition for a new band called The Void.”
Now, Sydney smiled. “You must have been relieved to have a new opportunity so soon.”
“Actually, it scared the shit out of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew I would be putting myself back into the lifestyle that I had just battled to overcome. My NA sponsor wanted me to ease back into music. He knew it would be a potential trigger. But I had nothing else waiting for me, so I went to the audition.
“I had no idea who Archer was when Christopher approached me. I looked him up before my audition. When I found out he was this former child TV star trying to make it as a musician, I almost backed out of the audition. But again, I had nothing else waiting for me. I quickly realized that Archer wasn’t only trying to make it, he was damn good. Of course, I’d had no idea that it wasn’t his approval I’d have to earn to get into the band.”
Sydney’s smile returned. “Lily.”
Some of Sydney’s humor also entered his gaze. “Yep. A little redhead with braces and glasses was calling all the shots.”
“I assume the audition went well?”
“Well enough,” he said with a shrug. “I was offered the job, but Lily put conditions on it. She let me know in no uncertain terms that the lifestyle I had lived with Limitless Souls wasn’t going to fly with The Void. The band was in this for the long haul, she said, which meant taking care of ourselves and our reputations. If I couldn’t deal with that, I should turn down the job.”
Sydney knew Lily had earned his respect right then and there. “Well you’re with them now, so I know how that all ended.”
His blue eyes returned to hers. “It hasn’t ended, Sydney. You need to understand that. I’ll always be a recovering addict.”
“I do understand. Do you think that makes me love you any less?”
The words seemed to unsettle him. He shoved to his feet and walked over to stare out the patio doors, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. She sensed that he was trying to escape her and her feelings.
She wasn’t going to let him.
Rising, she walked over to him and slid her arms around him to hug him from behind, ignoring his stiff posture. “You aren’t ready to accept my love,” she said. “I understand that. You probably think it’s too fast, or that I’m mistaken in how I feel because you don’t feel worthy of it. That’s insulting to both of us. I might be naïve about some things, Keith, but not about this. Not about you.”
After a moment, he pulled his hands out of his pockets and turned around to face her. Rather than push her away, he allowed his arms to encircle her.
“You’ve had feelings like this before,” he pointed out.
“I most certainly haven’t,” she argued.
“But...”
“I never thought I loved Wes. I wasn’t even really attracted to him. I know that now. He was just sweet and charming and I felt it only fair to give him a shot. That was obviously a terrible decision I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. But it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.”
He brought a hand up and brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes, allowing his hand to settle on the curve where her neck met her shoulder. “Still, sex is a huge step, Sydney, especially for you. I don’t think we should rush into it.”
She had figured he’d say as much. He would never admit it, but he wanted to protect her. That knowledge warmed her nearly as much as a vow of affection. She knew Keith’s protective instincts came out most in situations involving someone he really cared about.
Bringing her arms up from around his waist, she placed her open palms against his hard chest. “Keith, have you ever brought another woman here?” she asked.
“No.”
“Okay. Now be honest with me. Will you be content traveling with me on this tour for nearly two more months without having sex?”
He immediately opened his mouth to reply, then seemed to reconsider whatever he’d been about to say. “No.”
“Okay,” she said again, patting his chest. “You said you want to attempt a real relationship with me, and that means having sex. I want to have sex with you. But it would mean a lot to me if our first time together is here and not in a random hotel room.”
Finally, he seemed to understand. His hand flexed on her shoulder and then released.
“All right,” he said. “I’ll get you the spare key.”
Chapter Thirty-One
As Keith climbed off his bike after the concert that night, he once again questioned the wisdom of what was about to happen. He still wondered how it had all come about. He was sure he had protested it. Yet right that very moment, Sydney Ward was up in his apartment waiting to have sex with him.
That night’s concert was a blur on his brain. For the first time since he joined The Void, his mind hadn’t been completely on his performance. He must have done well enough, though, since Christopher and Archer didn’t comment or try to keep him afterward for a band meeting.
Thank God.
Since they had an early flight to Salt Lake City the next morning, there hadn’t been an after-party, just a fifteen minute fan meet-n-greet. Keith left the moment he was given the okay by Christopher. He couldn’t even rememb
er now if he bothered to say goodbye to anyone.
Despite the shortened stay after the concert, it was still edging towards midnight as he started up the stairs to his apartment. He wondered if Sydney was even awake. He was afraid she was and equally afraid that she wasn’t.
Yes, he was looking forward to having sex with her. He’d have to be dead not to. But he knew her expectations about sex had to be ridiculously high. She was probably expecting flowers and romance and other things he never thought to do.
Shit. Should he have gotten her flowers?
He shook his head at himself as he unlocked his door. No other female had ever tied him up in knots like this. Where was his usual confidence?
Get a grip, Connors.
On that thought, he stepped into his apartment. The first thing he noticed was the light scent of something sweet and appetizing, like someone had baked a batch of cookies. He supposed the smell was coming from the candles he saw flickering throughout the apartment. The unexpected sight distracted him from the anxiety he had denied feeling since he agreed to do this earlier. He supposed Sydney had taken care of the romance.
She emerged from the bedroom hallway to his right as though he had thought her into existence. He was surprised to see her wearing one of her favored dresses, complete with high heels and a sweater.
“I thought I heard you come in,” she said, walking up to him and leaning up to brush a kiss across his lips.
He fought the urge to grab her and deepen the kiss. That was what he would have done with any other woman he planned to take to his bed, knowing it would swiftly move things along. He’d never really indulged in much along the lines of foreplay, as neither he nor the women who had come to him in the past had wanted or needed it. He knew tonight would be different.
“How’d the concert go?” she asked as he finally remembered to set the alarm.
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
He turned back to face her. “I don’t remember most of it. Other things on my mind.”
“Oh.” She smiled. “How nice. Well, come on then. The night isn’t getting any younger.”