He straddled me once more and gave my chest another quick kiss before using what he had taken out of his desk. Lubricant.
Just another what-the-fuck-am-I-doing moment.
He squeezed a fair amount from the bottle into his hand and reached around to finger his asshole.
While he fingered himself, I watched his face. He closed his eyes and bit his lip. That’s when he started moaning. It was so unbelievably sexy that I nearly came right then and there. Feeling slightly brave, I ran my hands down his chest and to his cock. I massaged it a bit hesitantly, hoping I was doing everything right. I kept looking up at his face, watching for signs that he enjoyed it. And as far as I could tell, he was in heaven. The longer I stroked him, the louder he moaned.
After a few moments, he grabbed the bottle of lube again and this time rubbed the stuff all over my cock.
Without me having to do anything, he lowered his body onto my hard dick. I couldn’t see what was going on down there, but I could feel myself entering his body. He whined, almost as if he was in pain. Maybe he was. Slowly, he let my dick go deeper and deeper until it was all the way in. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Girls were so different. I’d never tried anal with a girl before, but I could bet that even that felt different than this. He was so...tight.
I realized then that this was actually happening. I was actually having gay sex.
Holy fuck.
Ryan started moving, riding my cock slowly at first and then quicker as time went on. Unsure of what else to do, I rubbed his thighs with my hands. With the lubricant, my dick slid in and out quite easily, although I was sure it was still horribly painful for him. But he didn’t look too unhappy. In fact, he was moaning and groaning and even cursing every once in a while. It was slightly funny and almost...cute. There was no other word for it.
Did I just call a guy cute? Fuck. I’d worry about that later.
We continued this way for several minutes. I felt slightly guilty for not knowing what to do. I felt bad that he was doing all the work, but he seemed content. He probably knew that I had no idea what I was doing. He probably understood. And that made me feel better. This wasn’t some random guy. It was just Ryan, the guy I’d known for several weeks. It was just Ryan, and he understood.
After a while, everything I felt was just too much. I was going crazy with all these physical sensations. I closed my eyes and just felt for a while. And it was killing me. I needed to be satisfied.
At one point, Ryan spoke.
“James...”
That was it. Just my name. It was barely vocal, almost a whisper, a sigh. But it was enough to drive me over the edge.
Girls had called my name in bed several times before. But it had never made me feel quite like that.
“Ryan...” I gasped involuntarily.
He understood. He pulled my cock out of his ass and moved down to start stroking it with his hands instead.
It didn’t take long. I came all over my stomach and Ryan squeezed out every drop. I shouted several profanities, not worrying about who might hear. It just felt so damn good. I didn’t care about anything else at that point.
While I recovered from my orgasm, I closed my eyes and heard Ryan stroking his own cock. I heard him moan an octave higher than usual, and I felt his semen spewing all over my chest.
He collapsed on the bed next to me. The two of us took a few minutes to catch our breath, and I simply lay there with my eyes closed. I felt him get up and retrieve a towel to wipe off my chest. I opened my eyes while he did so and just watched him. He had that blissful after-sex look to him. His cheeks were so red that they almost glowed. But it wasn’t with embarrassment. It was from physical exertion.
He looked up at me and smiled mischievously. He threw the towel aside and curled up next to me on the bed. We were actually...cuddling. But I didn’t really mind at the moment. I was too distracted by how incredibly satisfied I felt.
“So how do you feel?” He asked confidently. He wrapped one of his arms around my stomach.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly. I had no idea what the hell had just happened.
“Why don’t you sleep on it?” He asked rhetorically. He reached across my body and turned off the light next to my bed, leaving us in pitch blackness. But he didn’t return to his own bed. He pulled the covers over both of us and nestled himself against me.
“Are you gonna sleep here?” I asked.
“Yup.” He said, without a second thought.
I took a moment to relax and listen to the silence. Ryan adjusted himself a few times to get comfortable, but he never left my side. He kept his arm around me and rested his head on my chest. It was...adorable.
I pushed that thought from my mind.
After a minute or two he lifted his head up, leaned over, and planted his lips onto mine. The sensation of the kiss was overwhelming. I loved it. I loved it, I loved it, I loved it. He reached a hand over to hold my neck while he kissed me. I kissed him back and found it to be effortless. His lips were silky. He tasted so different than a girl. He used tongue and my eyes nearly rolled back in my head.
Finally, he drew back, leaving my lips cold and lonely.
“Goodnight, James.” He said softly.
So...fucking...adorable.
When I didn’t respond, he simply laid his head back down and resettled himself against me.
I remembered that I didn’t have to figure this all out now. I could “sleep on it” as Ryan had said. Thank God.
“Goodnight, Ryan.” I whispered.
I fell into a much-needed sleep.
Chapter Three
.
I woke up in the morning with my head throbbing slightly. Maybe last night I’d had more to drink than I thought. The only thing that woke me up was Ryan’s movement. I realized that his naked body had slept right next to mine the entire night.
Shit. I remembered it all in one millisecond.
I kept my eyes closed, feigning sleep, as Ryan got up. I heard him rummage through his closet for some clothes and then walk to the bathroom and shut the door. I heard the shower turn on before I opened my eyes.
I sat up quickly and then instantly regretted it as my head throbbed. I placed a hand to my temple and looked around the room. The almost-empty bottle of alcohol from last night was still sitting on the floor. Our clothes were strewn all over the place. The bottle of lube sat on my bedside table.
It definitely hadn’t just been a dream.
But then more things started piecing themselves together in my mind. I remembered how good the sex with Ryan had been.
This whole thing had started off as some stupid experiment just so I could see what gay sex was like. I never intended it to mean anything. We were a bit drunk at the time, which may partly explain our actions. I expected that it would be an interesting experience, but that I would prefer girls in the end.
But something wasn’t right. It had turned into so much more than just a stupid experiment. First of all, the sex was incredible. I’d never felt anything like that before. No girl had ever made me feel that way. Secondly, Ryan had actually kissed me. And it was...adorable. Admittedly, my very first kiss with a girl named Marie had been adorable too. But this was different. Ryan was a guy! Why would I ever enjoy kissing him? And to top it all off, he’d actually slept in my bed with me the whole night. Naked! I was so confused about the whole thing that my head felt like it was going to explode. Or maybe that was just my hangover.
Eventually I heard the shower turn off and after a minute or two, Ryan came out of the bathroom fully dressed with wet hair. Before he could see me, I pretended to be asleep again.
I felt him sit on my bed next to me. He nudged my shoulder.
“James.” He whispered in an attempt to wake me.
“Hmm?” I acted as though I’d just woken up.
I opened my eyes to see him smirking at me.
“Got a hangover?” He asked teasingly.
“Little bit.” I replied.<
br />
“How do you feel?” He asked, more seriously this time.
“Well I have a pretty bad headache...”
“No,” He laughed, “I mean how do you feel about last night.”
I had to stop and think about how to answer his question. As I’ve said, the sex was amazing. But was it amazing because it was with a guy? Probably not. I probably just really like anal. I made a mental note to try anal sex with a girl the next time I got the chance.
“I don’t know.” I responded to Ryan’s question. I had no idea what else to say.
“I mean... I know we were just experimenting,” He chuckled, blushing and looking down, “But you’re not like... freaked out or anything, are you?”
I had to admit I was a tad “freaked out” as he put it. It took a moment for me to digest the fact that I’d officially had sex with a guy. It was terrifyingly new. It was just like when I lost my virginity to Lindsey. Except... that time it was exciting. This was just scary.
But it wasn’t Ryan’s fault that I was freaked out. I’d practically forced him to have sex with me. And he definitely wasn’t bad in bed...
“No, I’m not freaked out.” I lied.
He narrowed his eyes at me, looking skeptical. “Yes you are.”
That’s another thing about Ryan. You can’t lie to him. No one can. Because he can see right through you.
“Well...” I said, backtracking and trying to explain myself better, “It is a little scary, the fact that I had sex with a guy. But it’s fine.”
He kept his eyes narrowed at me, but he let it go. “Okay, if you’re sure.”
He stood from my bed and went to his desk. He retrieved a few loose papers and a pen, opened a textbook, and started studying. While he wasn’t looking, I crept out from under the covers. I was still completely naked, and I raced to the bathroom to avoid any awkwardness. But Ryan merely focused on his book and didn’t look up at all.
I made it to the bathroom safely and took a quick shower. While shampooing my hair, I pondered the whole thing.
I couldn’t get thoughts of last night out my head. The way Ryan touched me, the way his blue eyes stared at me, the way he said my name. It had been the most... real sexual experience I’d ever had. Alex and the Asian girl (who’s name I just can’t remember) had just been a one-time thing to get an orgasm. I’d been with Selena several times, and she was the most beautiful of the four, but the sex with her was just for an orgasm as well. With Lindsey, it was more meaningful since we gave each other our virginity, and we were actually dating at the time. But even that couldn’t compare with Ryan.
If I’d had sex with four girls and one guy, and the best experience had been with the guy, did that make me gay?
I shivered as I thought of the possibility. I’d have to tell all my friends, my parents...
Don’t get too ahead of yourself.
Nothing was set in stone just yet. All I knew was that I’d had sex with a guy, and it was the best out of all the sexual experiences I’d had. That was all. Maybe all four girls were just really terrible in bed, while Ryan was quite good. Maybe the alcohol had something to do with it. Maybe I was just tired and wasn’t thinking straight.
I needed someone to talk to about it, but all my friends - both here and back home - would think I was a freak if I told them. Besides, Ryan and I had promised each other we wouldn’t tell anyone.
So the only person I could talk to about it was Ryan. But when I thought about it, that seemed like a good idea. He was gay after all, and he had experience with this kind of thing.
I finished showering and got dressed before heading back into the room. Ryan was still sitting at his desk studying.
“Hey...” I said, ready to talk about this.
At the sound of my voice he instantly dropped his pencil and swiveled his chair around to face me.
“I think we need to talk about this.” He said immediately, “Before you argue, I know it was just a little fun experiment and everything. I know that we said we didn’t ever have to talk about it again. But I think we need to anyway.”
“I wasn’t going to argue.” I said, sitting on my bed, “I kinda want to talk about it.”
“Good.” He nodded.
I stared at him, trying to be brave and not avoid his gaze. His blue eyes almost glowed in the sunlight that came in through the window. His blonde hair was still pretty wet, and it stuck out in weird places, but it looked good that way.
No... Ryan is not attractive. He’s a guy.
“You seem pretty freaked out.” He said timidly.
I had to tell the whole truth. “Okay, yeah... I guess I am.” I admitted.
“Why?” He asked. He didn’t look offended or upset. He was just curious as to why I was freaked out.
How was I supposed to admit that I liked having sex with him? Would he tease me about it? Would he try to turn me gay? Or would he just get an ego boost and shrug it off?
But he guessed it before I had a chance to tell him. I guess my embarrassed silence gave it away.
“You liked it didn’t you?” He wasn’t being conceited. He actually looked concerned, like he knew it was hard for me to admit.
I merely nodded.
Ryan gave a heavy sigh. “Well, there’s a number of possible reasons for why you liked it. It doesn’t exactly mean that you’re gay.”
“I’m not gay.” I said, loud and clear so that he understood.
“That’s what I’m saying.” He said defensively, “Maybe you just like anal.”
I chuckled a bit, “That’s what I thought.”
“So you liked it. Big deal.” He said, “We were drunk. We were horny. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
I swallowed and nodded, grateful for his understanding.
His words were supposed to make me feel better. But they didn’t.
“Don’t worry, James.” He said, leaning towards me, “We don’t have to do it ever again. It was just a one-time thing, like we said.”
I smiled half-heartedly and nodded.
“Don’t freak out.” He smiled back, “Like I said... every guy in the world thinks about being gay once in their lives. This is just that moment for you.”
That made me feel better. A lot better.
The two of us agreed to never have sex again. Of course. I think I already knew that it wouldn’t be happening again. But it was nice to have it simply spelled out between us.
We went to an early lunch in the cafeteria. As soon as he spotted some of our friends, I could tell he immediately forgot about the whole thing. Ryan’s that way sometimes. He doesn’t like to dwell on things.
The guys I’d met the first week of school - Josh, Tanner, and Ben - had all gone camping for the weekend with our schools outdoor program. They’d invited me, but I didn’t feel like going. To be honest, spending an entire weekend with those guys probably would’ve worn me out. They were major party animals. At least Josh and Tanner were. Ben usually just went along for the ride.
So instead, Ryan and I sat with our mutual friends. Ava, Lola and Avery.
Lola immediately stood up to embrace Ryan. She had a thing about gay guys. She just thought they were so cute.
She absolutely squealed when she hugged him and gave me a small greeting in comparison.
“Hey, James!” She said, beaming. We joined them at their table and sat down to eat our food.
“How was it?” I asked Avery, referring to a date he’d gone on the previous night.
“Fine, I guess.” He shrugged.
“You guess?” Ryan asked, intrigued. He loved gossip.
“She was nice...and pretty...” Avery admitted, “Kinda weird...”
The five of us chatted about his date, laughing occasionally. I liked all these people and it was nice to hang out with them. But at the moment my brain was still foggy. Confusion was tangling my thoughts. And sitting next to Ryan wasn’t helping me much. I couldn’t stop remembering things from the previous night. Especially that kiss...
At one point, I guess Ava could tell that I was distracted. She was always the quiet one, but she was very observant.
She kicked me under the table. “You okay?” She mouthed, smiling.
I nodded, smiling back.
Seeing our interaction, Ryan turned to me and stared at me for a good twenty seconds, trying to read my expression. But I focused on my food and refused to stare back.
I kept trying to remind myself what Ryan said. Every guy thinks he’s gay at least once, even if just for a millisecond. Of course, this had been much more than just a millisecond. But it’s probably natural to feel this way. Right?
Right?
Chapter Four
.
A week later, I sat in the cafeteria with Josh, Tanner, and Ben. It was a completely different experience hanging out with them, compared to hanging out with Ryan, Ava, Lola, and Avery. But the guys had invited me to come along to dinner, so I’d agreed. Ryan was busy studying anyway and I had no one else to eat with.
Truthfully, although I liked these guys, they weren’t exactly what I’d consider my “best friends.” They were just three guys that I hung out with. I’d met them in the first week of school, and they all seemed decent enough. But I didn’t run with their whole partying scene. Although I did enjoy the occasional party, I didn’t make it a weekly habit unlike them.
“Dude,” Tanner said, shoving me, “What’s wrong with you?”
I guess I’d been acting strange for the last week or so, after having sex with Ryan. I was still in some form of shock.
“Nothing.” I said simply, shrugging and stabbing my food with my fork.
“You’ve been acting kinda... quiet lately.” Ben commented.
“I’ve just been tired.” I shrugged again.
“That’s what everyone says.” Tanner rolled his eyes, smirking.
“You just need to get laid, Radine.” Josh said to me. That was his solution for everything. Go out, get drunk, screw a hot chick.
I laughed. Little did he know, I got laid last week. By a guy.
“Seriously, man.” He said with a suggestive grin, “I bet you’re super frustrated right now.”
The Love We Breathe Page 3