After three weeks of this, I hadn’t learned anything. All I knew was that I liked having sex with Ryan. That was it.
So in response to Ryan’s sarcastic and slightly rhetorical question, I said, “Because.” And that was the only explanation I had.
In the morning, I woke up to find that Ryan had already left for his 8:00 class. My first class of the day didn’t start until 11:00 so I decided to take a shower and then head down to the cafeteria for a quick breakfast.
In the shower, I start thinking yet again. I thought about Ryan and the intimate details of our sexual encounters. For the first time, I started to really picture what my life would be like if I was gay. I would have to tell my parents, and my little brother and sister, and my friends. Most of my friends back home would never accept it. And I knew that my guy friends here at school wouldn’t be too supportive either. The only person I could truly count on to always be there for me was Ryan. And that thought just disgusted me further.
It was Ryan’s fault that this was all happening in the first place. If I had gotten a different roommate, a straight one, then I would be completely content right now. My stupid gay roommate was the one who had started this whole thing. He’d sparked my curiosity, and now I couldn’t stop. It was all becoming a confusing tangle of emotions and thoughts in my head.
Oh fuck it. This is bullshit. I’m done with Ryan and I’m done with this stupid gay experiment. The only reason I like having sex with him is because he’s good in bed, and because I like anal sex. I bet I could find twenty girls that are a thousand times better than him.
And that was it. In an angry rush, I decided everything.
I’m not gay. This friends-with-benefits thing is over.
I smiled to myself, content that I had figured everything out. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten so confused and upset in the first place. I should’ve known weeks ago that this was all bullshit. The only reason I continued to ask Ryan for sex was because I was horny. That’s it.
I decided to tell him as soon as I saw him. He and I would talk about it and I’d officially end this thing.
It’s not a relationship. I reminded myself.
We’d still be best friends, of course. When we weren’t busy fucking each other, he was actually a great guy. But that didn’t have to mean anything. We could just be best friends, nothing more.
I went to breakfast and to class feeling completely content and relieved. For once, all the confusion in my mind had been untangled. I felt free.
On the way back to Nickerson after class, I walked past a field where a bunch of students were playing flag football. And then I noticed a pop of bright orange-red hair.
Loryn.
She was sitting under the shade of a big tree, on her laptop.
I couldn’t believe the coincidence. I’d just this morning decided that I was definitely straight, and now I was randomly running into the girl I’d flirted with a few weeks ago. Now that I was done with insecurities and done with questioning my sexuality, I decided to make my move. I only hoped she remembered me.
I strolled confidently over to where she was sitting and plopped down next to her.
“Hey, remember me?” I asked, flashing that smile.
She looked up at me with big green eyes and smiled brightly, “Yeah! James, right?”
“And you’re Loryn.” I nodded.
“I’m glad we ran into each other again!” She said, closing her laptop.
“Me too.”
Another awkward moment of silence occurred, but I managed to find my footing again.
“Friends of yours?” I asked, motioning to the flag football players.
“Oh, no.” She laughed, “I just needed a quiet place to think and they just happened to be out on the same field.”
“Writing an essay?” I asked.
“A story, actually.” She explained, “I’ve been thinking about majoring in creative writing.”
“Yeah, you said you wanted to do something artsy.” I remembered.
I found it quite unique and interesting that she was a writer. There was something quirky about her, from her red hair to her style of clothes. But I liked it. I liked her, so far.
The two of us sat and talked for at least half an hour before she remembered she had to go to class.
“Can I call you sometime?” I asked confidently as she packed up her things.
She turned to stare at me, looking me over and analyzing me. She was probably trying to determine if I was some kind of creep or not.
But after a second or two, she said, “Sure!”
I tossed her my cell phone playfully and she laughed. She added her phone number into my contacts and tossed it back to me.
“I’ll see you around, James.” She said as we both stood up.
“Yeah, definitely.”
I walked back to Nickerson Hall with a bounce in my step. I’d just gotten a cute girl’s number. I was excited to get to know her better, and I was definitely prepared to ask her out on a date. The first thing I wanted to do was go and tell my best friend. However, my best friend happened to be Ryan. And I still needed to talk to him about ending our little “experiment.” That thought lessened my good mood marginally.
Upon arriving back to my room, I thankfully noticed that Ryan wasn’t there. He was probably in his second class of the day. I plopped down on my bed and immediately whipped out my phone. I texted Loryn a simple “Hey, guess who!” And the conversation flowed from there. She continued to text me back even though she was in class, which must mean that she liked me well enough.
I told her all about my family, about my little sister Kendall and my little brother Peter. I told her about my high school friends and about the wild and crazy parties I used to go to back in my hometown. She told me about some girl named Cara who was her best friend for twelve years and then suddenly started doing drugs their senior year and stopped talking to her. She told me about her high school art class and how much fun she had her senior year.
The two of us talked for the rest of the day, with short breaks in the conversation every now and then. At around 9:00 at night, she sent me a final text saying that she had to do homework for a few hours before bed. I texted her goodnight, and that was that.
I was so focused on how incredibly chipper I was that I almost didn’t notice I hadn’t seen Ryan all day. I hadn’t seen him in the cafeteria at dinner when I’d gone with Ben and Josh. I hadn’t seen him in our room all day. I found it strange. But I was a bit thankful that I could put off our little discussion.
Finally, around 10:00 he appeared.
“Hey.” He smiled half-heartedly as he entered the room.
“Hey! Where’ve you been?” I asked.
“I had three classes today, and then I had to work a paper in the library, and then I hung out with Chelsea and Jared.” He shrugged.
Chelsea and Jared were Ryan’s newfound friends that he’d met at a Gay-Straight Alliance Club meeting a few weeks ago. Chelsea was bisexual and Jared was gay. They seemed like nice enough kids, but I’d only met them very briefly. For the most part, Chelsea seemed like an incredibly exuberant and strong-willed person. Whereas Jared seemed shy and quiet. Ryan hung out with them every once in a while, and wouldn’t stop raving about how nice they were and about how they understood him.
I’d had sex with Ryan every night for three weeks. And I didn’t understand him?
But it was time to end that.
Ryan came over to where I was laying on my bed and laid next to me.
“How was your day?” He asked.
“Good.” I nodded. Suddenly I lost my confidence. I couldn’t tell Ryan about Loryn while he was laying next to me like that.
He smiled at me, and this time it was genuine. He had this weird look in his eyes, the same weird look he’d get just after sex. I couldn’t read that look as hard as I tried.
Without warning Ryan curled up closer to me, practically laying on top of me, and started kissing my neck. The sensatio
n was heavenly and I closed my eyes for a moment to savor it. But then I remembered that I was done with all of this.
“Ry...” I protested, pushing him away slightly.
“What?” He whispered seductively, lifting up the bottom of my shirt with the intent to remove it.
“Stop...”
He looked up at me with a half-worried half-confused expression.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
I was about to tell him that everything about this was wrong. That we should never have continued to have sex in the first place. That one time should’ve been enough to tell me that I was straight. That we couldn’t do this anymore. But my confidence was still missing. The way he’d just kissed my neck, the way he’d given me that look... it confused me once more.
So instead of ending things with Ryan, I simply said, “Not tonight, okay?”
He furrowed his brow even more. “Why?” He asked.
“I just...” Something was wrong with me. I couldn’t tell the truth. “I’m tired.”
A look of understanding, with a slight hint of worry appeared on his face. He nodded. “Okay.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips. It made my heart rate nearly double. But I pretended it didn’t. He pulled away and gave me that look again.
“Goodnight, James.”
And through that look, I could see it. I could see the very subtle and well-hidden look of disappointment in his eyes. He wanted to have sex with me. Maybe it was just because I was good in bed, or maybe I was a million times better than Adam. But that disappointment was there, and I couldn’t understand it.
“Night...” I said softly.
He flashed a quick smile and then stood. He undressed and crawled into his own bed before flicking off the lights.
Chapter Six
.
I sat across from Loryn at a local restaurant on a Friday night. Josh had invited me to some big party, but I’d declined. It was much more fun hanging out with Loryn. It had been two weeks since I’d gotten her phone number, and we were on our third date. “Oo, I thought of a question!” She squealed excitedly.
“What?” I asked.
“What’s your favorite animal?”
I laughed. The two of us had taken to playing some kind of “questions” game where we constantly asked each other things in order to get to know each other better. So far she’d learned about my favorite movies, books, television shows, and things of the like. And I’d learned several things about her as well. It was a fun game, and it kept the conversation lively.
“Dogs.” I answered simply. I hated cats, and I couldn’t think of any other interesting animals.
“Oh, everyone says that.” She rolled her eyes at me.
“What about you, then?” I asked.
She thought for a moment. I took a large bite of my food while she pondered her answer. She’d already gotten used to the fact that I was a sloppy pig at the dinner table. I always wanted to be polite, but any kind of food was just too good to resist.
“Foxes.” Loryn finally answered.
“Why?” I asked, laughing.
“I don’t know! Everyone always forgets about them. And they’re really cute!”
I chuckled again. “You’re a fox.” I complimented, half-joking and half-flirtatious.
She crinkled her nose at me, smiling.
“Okay, favorite Disney princess?” I asked. Such a girlish question, but I figured it was a common one.
“Ariel, duh!” Loryn said, grabbing a lock of her bright red hair and showing it to me.
“How could I be so oblivious?” I asked sarcastically.
“And yours?” She asked.
“I’m a guy, I don’t have a favorite Disney princess.” I chuckled.
“Sure you do.” She said, “Doesn’t your sister ever watch old Disney movies?”
“Okay... Cinderella.” I shrugged.
“Not Ariel?” She pouted.
The two of us laughed together.
We ate our meal, continuing to joke around and talk. I felt like I’d truly gotten to know Loryn. And I liked what I’d seen so far. She was witty and fun and low-maintenance. She wasn’t like any of the other girls I’d dated. In the past, I always went for the sexy blondes who were easy and willing to put out. But this time was different. I didn’t immediately want to get in her pants. I just wanted to get to know her. And it was fun discovering new things about her every day.
After dinner, we drove back to campus. As I was walking her back to her dorm, we decided to take a detour and talk some more at the big fountain in the middle of the school. We didn’t want to leave each other just yet, and talking for even just half an hour more would satisfy both of us.
We sat down at the fountain and continued our conversation about her most recent creative writing project. She hadn’t officially started any classes on the subject, but she wrote stories as a hobby anyway. She told me the plots of some of her stories, and it intrigued me.
At a break in the conversation, I put my arm around her shoulders and we snuggled together to keep warm. It was getting dark and cold, but I enjoyed being close to her.
“I like you a lot.” I told her. Maybe not the most romantic statement in the world, but I meant it.
She giggled embarrassedly nonetheless. I saw a blush forming on those elegantly white cheeks. She looked up at me with her big green eyes.
“I like you too...” She mumbled.
We stared at each other for a few seconds, and I instinctively leaned down to kiss her. The moment our lips touched, I suddenly thought of Ryan. But I forced that image out of my head and focused on Loryn.
Loryn, with the wild hair and the green eyes. Loryn. A girl. A beautiful, unique, feminine girl. I like her. I like this kiss. I want to be more than just a friend to her.
It was a fairly decent kiss. It wasn’t too passionate, but I never thought that first kisses should be so. It was nice. Gentle, but nice. She placed a delicate hand on my face and stroked my cheek with her long fingernails.
It was an odd feeling after getting used to kissing Ryan. Girls tasted so much different than he did. And her fingers were incredibly soft and tiny instead of Ryan’s masculine hands.
Why the fuck am I comparing Loryn to Ryan? He’s just a friend.
When the two of us pulled away, we smiled at each other. My brain was fuzzy and I didn’t know why. I figured it was because I liked Loryn so much. Kissing her just left me dazed.
“Loryn...” I reached up to stroke her cheek with my thumb. She blushed again.
“James.” She whispered back.
“I like you a lot.”
“You’ve said that.” She giggled.
“I want...” I sighed frustratedly, not knowing how to word it, “I want us to be together. If that’s what you want.”
She blushed again. “That’s exactly what I want.”
After another sweet kiss or two, I walked her back to her dorm. We held hands and I could tell she was giddy with excitement. I bid her goodbye with one last kiss, much more passionate than the first.
I walked back to Nickerson Hall alone, and for some reason I was shivering. I couldn’t tell if it was the cold, the excitement of finally kissing Loryn, or the nervousness I’d felt asking her to be my girlfriend. But I was shaking, and I couldn’t control it. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. My spirits were incredibly high.
I had a girlfriend. An actual real girlfriend, not just some stupid hook-up like so many times in high school. The last time I had a true girlfriend was when I dated Lindsey, the girl I lost my virginity to. Neither Selena nor Alex had even come close to being my actual “girlfriend.” And the girls I’d dated before Lindsey had been mere teenage-puppy-love kind of relationships. For some reason, this felt like so much more than that. Although I’d only known Loryn for a few weeks, it was enough to know how much I truly liked her.
When I got back to my room, I was still shivering. Ryan was sitting at his desk. He smiled at me when
he saw me. I felt like I’d just seen him, since I’d thought about him briefly while kissing Loryn.
Ryan knew that I was “dating around.” He approved of it, because he felt as though I needed to explore my sexuality. He thought I should date both guys and girls to get a better feel of what I liked best. I told him I’d consider that. I lied. He didn’t know that I was just dating one person, a girl, and that it was a bit more serious than “just dating.”
The last few weeks, ever since I’d gotten Loryn’s phone number, he and I had completely stopped having sex. Of course we did. I was done with our little experiment. But I didn’t necessarily tell him that. Every night he would assume I wanted to do it, but I would have to tell him no because I was “too tired” or “not in the mood.” And after a week or so, he stopped assuming that we were going to have sex every night. We just stopped, and hadn’t done it since.
But now I felt like I needed to officially tell him that our “experimenting” was over. I had a girlfriend now. I couldn’t continue any kind of “friends-with-benefits” thing with a guy while I had a girlfriend. It was ridiculous!
“Where’ve you been?” He asked, plopping down on his bed.
“Went out on a date.” I told him.
“Cool!” He nodded approvingly, “With who?”
“This girl named Loryn.” I said.
“How was it?” He asked. I guess he assumed that it was my first date with her, when in reality it was my third.
“Great.” I answered honestly, “She’s an awesome girl. I like her a lot.”
He nodded slowly, looking at the ground and biting his lip.
“Ryan, we have to stop.” The words came out of my mouth before I could catch them and hold them inside.
“Stop?” He asked, not knowing what I meant.
“We have to stop... experimenting.” I explained.
“I thought we had.” He said, laughing a bit.
“I mean...” I exhaled sharply, “I’m just officially telling you. I’m done.”
The Love We Breathe Page 5