But instead of acting on my anger, I took a deep calming breath and walked back towards Ben and Loryn. Avery had joined them in my absence and the three of them were chatting merrily, not knowing the storm that was raging in my temples.
“Who were you talking to?” Loryn asked.
“Just some girl.” I said.
“Looks like he’s cheating on you, Loryn.” Avery said jokingly.
Loryn laughed.
“No, no. It’s nothing like that.” I clarified, “Her name’s Chelsea. She’s just a friend of Ryan’s.” His name tasted vile in my mouth.
She nodded in understanding. She then turned towards me and leaned into my ear. “Baby... I don’t like it here. Can we leave soon?”
I agreed. This party was definitely not my kind of thing. Everyone was wasted except for us, and the little alcohol I had in my body was not helping me loosen up. I was definitely not in the mood to be here anymore.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Let’s just say goodbye to Josh, Tanner, and Cynthia.”
She nodded back and turned to Ben to tell him the plan. He looked relieved to be leaving the party.
“See you later, Avery.” I muttered, giving him a quick manly hug.
“Later, James.”
We made our way back into the main room and through the crowd we spotted Josh and Cynthia dancing rather erotically.
Ben grabbed Josh’s collar and pulled him aside. Over the loud music he had to shout to tell Josh that we were leaving. Josh drunkenly shouted back an “Okay.” He flashed a thumbs up at me and Loryn before heading back to the dance floor to hump Cynthia some more.
Before we could get near the door, Tanner approached us with a cup in his hand.
“You guys leaving?” He shouted.
“Yeah, sorry buddy.” I said, dying to get out of here.
“Come on! Stay a little longer.” He leaned into Loryn, “By the way, you’re really hot. We should hang out some time.”
Loryn laughed at the pure absurdity of his words. But her smile faded when Tanner tried to hug her and ended up tripping and sloshing his drink all down her front.
I grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him away forcefully. “Get the fuck out of here.” I ordered.
“It’s okay, baby.” She said, attempting to wipe herself off.
Angrily, I grabbed her hand and led her and Ben out of the building. Once out in the night air, where it was much quieter and colder, I felt a bit better but my anger was still roaring.
“Why the fuck did we agree to go to this stupid fucking party in the first place?” I ranted.
“Yeah, that wasn’t fun.” Ben agreed.
“Baby, it’s okay.” Loryn said, trying to comfort me, “Some parts of it were kinda fun.”
“Yeah, like what?” I retorted.
“Well, Avery was really nice. And the food was good.” She said.
“Yeah, great.” I laughed sarcastically.
We walked back onto campus without speaking much. Loryn and I waved a quick goodbye to Ben as we went our separate ways. Ben headed back to his dorm and I walked Loryn to hers. Upon arriving at her building, I stopped to give her a kiss goodbye.
She permitted the kiss but then pulled away and asked, “Do you want to come in?”
She wanted me to come into her all-girls dorm building in the middle of the night? While her roommate was sleeping in the next bed? She must be crazy.
“My roommate’s gone for the weekend.” She explained.
Oh. Maybe not so crazy.
I’d been in her dorm room a few times now. Although it had only been a week since our first real make out session, I wondered what her intentions were. Why did she want me to come inside? Was it because she just wanted to make out again? Or because she wanted a bit more than that?
Nevertheless, I agreed to come in. What could it hurt? I was pissed off and maybe getting laid would make me feel better. I didn’t care about the consequences at the moment.
Just as I suspected, the moment we entered her room she pounced on me. She smelled like alcohol from the drink that Tanner spilled on her and it bothered me. But I kissed her back anyway. I didn’t really care about anything at the moment. I just wanted to feel better.
Attempting to seduce her, I put my hands on her waist and pushed her against a wall. I used tongue and she reciprocated. She wrapped her arms around my neck and moaned slightly. I reached up and ripped the elastic band out of her hair so that I could run my hands through her silky red locks. She seemed to get turned on by it. Before I knew it, I was stripping off my shirt and she was running her cold hands down my chest. It gave me small goosebumps on my lower back.
I realized how long it had been since I’d actually done this with a girl. Six months at least. After getting so used to Ryan, it was difficult to remember that the person I was making out with had a vagina instead of a penis.
Oh fuck... do not think about Ryan right now.
Just the thought of his name made an ugly bout of anger surge through me. But instead of acting on it, I tried to turn it into desire. I ran my hands from Loryn’s waist up towards her chest. My fingers found their way under her shirt and under her bra. I had almost forgotten what the sensation of second base was like. Personally I found it a bit more awkward that I remembered. But Loryn seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it. She moaned a bit louder and I felt her fingernails dig into my neck.
In no time we had found our way to her bed without disconnecting our lips. I laid on top of her and started kissing her neck. I was about to lift off her shirt, but then a terrifying thought occurred to me.
“Wait Loryn...” I gasped. She looked up at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation for why I was stopping in the middle of such a heated scene.
“What?” She asked.
“You’re not like...” Oh God, how was I supposed to word this? “I mean... you’ve done this before right?” I laughed embarrassedly.
She laughed as well. “Yes.” She assured me.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to be taking her virginity after just a few weeks of dating. I was glad that some other guy had already done that.
“Wait... you’ve done it before too, right?” She asked.
I laughed and replied, “Yeah.”
Little did she know that I had done it with both a girl and a guy.
My anger flared once more and I resumed kissing her neck to try and make it subside.
Don’t think about Ryan. Don’t think about that fucking asshole. Not now. Not when I’m about to have sex with Loryn for the first time. Who gives a fuck about that stupid fag.
But these thoughts just made me even more furious. I practically ripped Loryn’s shirt off of her and delighted in the sight of her lacy bra and her exposed white skin. I moved my lips down from her neck to her chest, practically growling with need and rage. I knew I was being a bit rough in my heated anger, but Loryn seemed to like it that way. She held the back of my head to her chest as if silently begging me not to stop.
Before I knew what was happening, she reached around and unclasped her bra. Now she was completely topless right in front of my eyes. I bit my lip and pulled her towards me. I kissed her lips as she wrapped her legs around me. Her naked chest was pressed up against mine and I liked it that way.
We shed the rest of our clothes and she searched for a condom in her desk drawer. As I put it on, I watched her squirming on the bed with need. I took pleasure in her naked and vulnerable body, just ready for me to fuck.
And I did. I fucked her hard and relentlessly. She must’ve enjoyed it because she screamed.
It took me a while to come but she didn’t mind, of course. She climaxed at least twice. I closed my eyes and tried to erase my mind. Instead of focusing on small details, I focused on the physical feeling of my dick moving inside her. And after a while, that’s what did the trick. I came, and the feeling was so satisfying that I nearly roared like an animal. It was like all my rage and all my desire was imploding. It was a m
illion times more satisfying than being with that stupid asshole Ryan.
I collapsed on the bed next to her and left her moaning continuously. She crawled on top of me and kissed my chest over and over again. She cursed and moaned and said my name. She rubbed herself against my dick like she wanted more. I reached down and fingered her for a while. She moaned even louder at that and buried her face in my chest, filling my face with fiery red hair. She climaxed again and finally seemed satisfied. She curled up next to me, breathing heavily.
“Thank you.” She sighed, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I laughed as she kissed my neck.
We spent a few more minutes exchanging kisses and whispering sweet things and giggling like stupid fucking lovebirds. I acted calm but I still felt anger bubbling within me.
Finally she fell asleep and I took a moment to think about what just happened.
I fucked a girl for the first time in six months. It was an incredibly strange feeling, especially since we were still laying in bed together. With the other girls I’d had sex with, we usually parted right afterwards (except for maybe Lindsey and sometimes Selena).
I tried to understand how I was feeling, but it was a confusing emotion. I felt satisfied, sure. The sex was great. It was fucking fantastic. It was like a major accomplishment. It was like getting revenge. It was completely satisfying. For the first time all semester, I felt comfortable with myself. I finally didn’t have to hide the fact that I’d gotten laid. I fucked a girl, goddamn it. I fucked a girl.
But as I relaxed and the afterglow of my orgasm subsided, I started feeling a bit different. As thoughts and emotions started settling in my brain, I started realizing that I didn’t feel so great anymore. The satisfaction had worn off in just under fifteen minutes. The pleasure was gone. The victory was gone. After taking a minute to think, I realized that the sex with Loryn wasn’t half as good as the sex with Ryan. I was wrong when I said it was a million times more satisfying. Fucking Loryn wasn’t great at all. Sure, it gave me an orgasm and an orgasm is always good. But it wasn’t nearly as satisfying. I was so used to Ryan and so comfortable with him. And this experience with Loryn had been awkward and unexciting in my opinion.
I started feeling uncomfortable laying in bed with her. I started feeling antsy thinking that there was a naked girl next to me. I started panicking when I remembered that she was my girlfriend, and from now on she’d probably expect me to have sex with her all the time.
I didn’t want to have sex with her ever again. And that realization made me feel sick.
I didn’t know how I felt or why I felt it, but I knew I had to get out of this bed. As quietly and carefully as possible, I crawled out of Loryn’s bed and put my clothes on. She didn’t wake up.
I knew that I was being a bad boyfriend by leaving without saying goodbye. But I couldn’t wake her. I couldn’t even leave a note. I had to just get the hell out of here and sort out my thoughts.
So I left. And I walked back to my dorm room, ready to confront Ryan with every angry cell in my body.
Chapter Ten
.
With each step towards Nickerson Hall, I became more and more furious. I replayed my conversation with Chelsea over and over, searching for more reasons to hate Ryan.
It’s true that we didn’t know each other very well when we had sex for the first time. But still, he promised. We both promised that we would never tell anyone. And I grew to trust him. We grew to be best friends. And he betrayed my trust. He actually told someone our secret.
Did he even realize the consequences of his actions? What if Chelsea told her friend who told her friend who told her friend? What if it somehow got back to my friends? What if my friends knew that I had sex with a guy, not just once but multiple times? They would either laugh at me or be disgusted with me. And I would no longer have any friends. And that’s how I would forever be known. The gay guy that fucked Ryan McMahon. And I’m not gay.
I could just picture Ryan, gossiping with Chelsea and Jared like a little girl at a slumber party. I could picture him saying, “Oh my God, you guys. My roommate James is totally gay!”
Fuck him. And not in a sexual way.
The more I thought about it the more infuriated I became. I practically growled with rage.
I finally arrived back at Nickerson and entered the building without bothering to be quiet, even though it was the middle of the night. I headed to room 125 ready to scream at Ryan. My fury built on itself until I could almost no longer contain it.
When I kicked open the door, I expected to find Ryan laying in his bed asleep, or sitting at his desk on his computer. I did not expect to find him curled up in a ball on his bed, crying hysterically.
I still wanted to yell, I still wanted to scream, I still wanted to throw things at him. But the longer I looked at him, the more those urges subsided. He was crying so violently that he was shaking. Worry began to take the place of my rage.
Oh God... something terrible must’ve happened... somebody must’ve died... Ryan’s crying... what can I do... oh God... oh please God...
I had to stand there for a moment and let my anger fade away. Yes, he betrayed my trust. But although I kept telling myself I hated him and he wasn’t my friend anymore, I didn’t mean it. He was still my best friend. And I could yell at him later for his stupid actions. Right now he needed comfort. He needed a friend.
I walked over and sat on his bed next to him. His back was turned to face me and he squirmed away when I tried to touch him.
“Ryan... what’s wrong, what happened?” I asked, my voice cracking with fear.
He simply continued sobbing and shook his head as if to say, “Nothing.”
“Come on, buddy. Talk to me.” I reached out and succeeded in grabbing his shoulder. He flinched at my touch but subsequently decided that he didn’t care. I squeezed his arm in a pathetic effort to comfort him.
Instead of asking more questions, I simply sat there patiently and waited for him to relax. However, I was only patient on the outside. Inside, I was dying to know why he was acting like this. It didn’t take long for my anger to completely fade away.
After a while, his violent sobs were reduced to mere whimpers and sniffles.
“Ry?” I asked, rubbing his back.
At my use of his nickname, he broke once more and another few loud sobs escaped him. In a high-pitched and heartbreaking voice he muttered, “Jamie...”
He’d never called me that before. No one had ever called me that before. It was always “James.” Sometimes my dad called me “Jimmy.” But nobody else had ever called me by a nickname. Ryan’s decision to call me “Jamie,” especially under the circumstances, was actually... sweet.
Fuck. What is wrong with me?
But I pushed my own problems aside. Right now, my best friend was crying and I had to help him feel better.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
He turned his head to face me, and through greasy strings of his blonde hair I could finally see his weepy blue eyes. He looked completely miserable. But through that misery I spotted that same look he used to get in his eyes after having sex with me. That mysterious look that I could never read as hard as I tried. It was a scary combination, seeing both that mysterious look and the look of complete agony in his eyes.
After staring at me for a few moments, he sat up and turned his entire body to face me. He fell into my arms and squeezed me in the tightest embrace I’d had in a long time. He started weeping again.
“Jamie...I’m sorry.” He cried, “I’m so sorry. I hate myself. I did something terrible, James. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
Immediately I knew what he was talking about. He was confessing that he’d told Chelsea our secret. The little anger I had left in me was completely wiped clean. The fact that he was confessing at all made his actions completely acceptable in my eyes.
“I told them.” He sobbed, “I told Chelsea... and Jared.”
My suspicions we
re confirmed.
“I told them we had sex.” He continued, “Fuck... I hate myself. I’m so sorry. I betrayed you. I know I promised. I’m sorry.”
I squeezed him tight to let him know that it was okay. Yes, he’d betrayed my trust and broken his promise. But he didn’t do it with malicious intentions. And he was apologizing sincerely. It was obvious he felt terrible about it. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I wanted him to know that I forgave him.
“It’s okay.” I whispered, shushing him.
He unwrapped himself from my arms and looked up at me with teary blue eyes, wiping his nose on his sleeve. It was adorable.
Fuck don’t say that.
“You... you’re not mad?” He asked.
“I kind of already knew...” I confessed, “I ran into Chelsea at the party and she sort of... indirectly revealed that she knew about us.”
He looked disappointed at this news.
“And I was mad. I was.” I said, “But I’m not now that I knew you’re sorry about it.”
“I am.” He cried, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I repeated.
“I just told them because... I don’t know... I just...” He groaned with frustration, trying desperately to explain himself, “I needed their advice on how to give you advice. Cause I knew you were confused... and I figured you needed help. But I didn’t know how to help you so I needed their advice... and I tried to make it hypothetical! I really did, James! But they figured out what I was talking about anyway...”
“Ryan, it’s okay.” I said, chuckling a bit, “You don’t have to explain so much. I understand. It’s totally fine.”
“I made them promise they wouldn’t tell anyone.” He said, “They’re very trustworthy, you have nothing to worry about. They’re not gonna tell anyone.”
“Good.” I said.
My anger had completely calmed. I felt a bit guilty for previously thinking such terrible things about Ryan. It was as if seeing him cry made all my anger evaporate. Five minutes ago I wanted to beat the shit out of him, and now I was completely forgiving him. It scared me that he could cause such dramatic emotions in me.
The Love We Breathe Page 8