The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

“James...”

  “Why the fuck would you do that?” I asked, “I mean that doesn’t seem like something you would normally do, Ryan! You told me that he was an asshole. And now you’re acting like you want him back.”

  “That’s not true...”

  “Yeah well you’re making it seem like it’s true.” I argued, “I mean I’m afraid that as soon as I turn my back you’re gonna go and let him fuck you or something.”

  “James!” He shouted, slamming on the breaks as we reached a stoplight, “That’s completely ridiculous!”

  “Is it?” I asked, “You let him do it before, even though he treated you like shit.”

  “Are you kidding me?” He asked, nearly screaming, “You heard that story! I told you that he treated me really well until we had sex! It’s not like I just let any guy get in my pants! I thought he really loved me!”

  “Okay, whatever.” I said.

  “And who do you think I am?” He continued, “Do you honestly think I would cheat on you? I am not a cheater, and if you think I am then you have some serious problems!”

  “We’ll see about that.” I said.

  “James, what is your problem?” He screamed, “Why would I ever have sex with someone else?”

  “If you let him hug you like that right in front of me, who knows what you’ll do behind my back.”

  That seemed to shut him up a little bit. I could tell he wanted to argue some more, but he kept his mouth shut until we arrived back at his parents’ house.

  At that point, I was about ready to scream. If Vanessa gave me any shit tonight, I vowed that I would knock her out. But luckily, by the time we walked in the door his parents were already asleep in their room. I angrily stalked off to the guest room. I wanted to slam the door behind me, but I didn’t want to wake Tim and Vanessa. Plus, Ryan decided to follow me into the guest room anyway.

  I threw my coat on the bed and kept my back turned towards Ryan as he closed the guest room door, giving us privacy.

  “Look, James...” Ryan said, his voice much lower and calmer, “I don’t know why I lied to him, okay?”

  I still didn’t turn around. I sat on the bed, my arms folded.

  “I guess...” Ryan continued with a sigh, “I guess I just wanted to act like I was still heartbroken over him. I mean... I wanted him to feel guilty about what he did to me. I wanted him to think I was a mess so that he’d take some credit for what he did. I wanted him to feel like shit.”

  “That’s a ridiculous excuse.” I said, almost laughing.

  “But it’s not an excuse, it’s the truth.” He complained.

  Finally I whipped around to face him, still sitting on the bed.

  “You think he would’ve felt guilty about breaking your heart?” I asked, anger still flaring inside me, “You know what he would probably think if you were still upset over him? He’d think that you’re pathetic. He wouldn’t feel guilty. He wouldn’t feel sorry for you. He’d laugh at you. Because guess what! He’s an asshole!” I threw my arms up.

  Ryan folded his arms and angrily chewed on the inside of his cheek.

  “Why do you even care so much about what he thinks?” I asked, “I thought you were over him.”

  His eyes were downcast now. He didn’t respond. There was a moment of silence between us. Ryan refused to look at me but I stared directly at him.

  “You’re not over him?” I asked.

  He didn’t deny it. He said nothing.

  My heart suddenly felt heavy. I felt my shoulders fall, as if they were suddenly filled with sand.

  Ryan’s not over Adam.

  Then what the fuck is he doing with me?

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  .

  “Ryan... you have to be joking.” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

  “Look, James...”

  “You’re not over him?” I interrupted.

  “Listen!” He said exasperatedly, “He was very important to me, okay? That’s not something I can just get over in a couple months. I thought he was the love of my life at one point.”

  “Oh, bullshit, Ryan.” I shouted, “You were just a stupid naive kid. You didn’t know what love is.”

  “It wasn’t that long ago, James!” He argued, “Adam and I only broke up a year or so ago!”

  “It makes me wonder if you’ve ever really loved me.” I said.

  I watched his face as my statement seemed to sink in. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth fell open slightly. His beautiful blue eyes started to water. He hugged himself as if he were cold.

  “James, how could you say that?” He asked.

  “What?” I asked defensively, “You’ve loved Adam the entire time that we’ve been dating?”

  “No, James! It’s not like that!”

  “Then explain it to me!”

  Ryan reached up and tugged on his hair in frustration. He looked like he was ready to break down. But at the moment, I didn’t feel any sympathy for him. All I felt towards him was anger, and deep down underneath that anger was heartbreak.

  After taking a few deep breaths, he came over and sat next to me on the bed. He turned his whole body to face me but he didn’t touch me.

  “I love you, James.” He said, his voice calm now. The tears in his eyes were dangerously close to spilling down his face.

  “But you love him too?” I asked, “Fuck that, Ryan! I’m not sharing you!”

  “I don’t love him...” He argued.

  There was a brief moment of relief in my stomach. “Then why did you just imply that you’re not over him?” I asked.

  “Well...” He sighed, looking more frustrated than ever, “I guess I do love him... but not in the same way I love you.”

  My heart seemed to fill itself with cement and weigh down my chest. So my suspicions were confirmed. Ryan did love Adam. But what did he mean when he said he loved us in different ways?

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, “You can’t love us both!”

  “Yes I can!” He said defensively, “It’s complicated.”

  “So explain it!”

  “The love I have for him is almost like... best friend love.” He said, “I mean... I did love him in a romantic way at one point but it’s not really like that anymore. I did love his personality, and I guess in some ways I’ve missed him. Maybe that’s why I hugged him like that before we left. But it was more of a friendly thing.”

  “It looked much more than friendly to me.” I said, “And you just said that you wanted him to feel like shit for breaking your heart!”

  “Well... I did...” He seemed to be over-thinking this. It was almost as if he were just looking for excuses for his behavior. All I wanted him to do was admit the truth.

  “Ryan... why do you even care about him at all?” I asked, “He’s an asshole!”

  “Don’t say that!”

  “What do you mean?” I shouted, “He broke your heart! And when we first met, you were completely comfortable telling me about how much he hurt you and what a jerk he was!”

  “Okay, listen.” He said, putting a hand up, as if to try and calm me down, “Maybe I do still love him. But like I said, it’s more in a friendly way. The love I have for you is much different.”

  “How is it different?” I asked angrily.

  “Because the love I have for you is that forever kind of love.” He explained, “I thought I knew what love was when I met Adam. But now that I’m with you, I know what love is. There’s a difference. I love you. I did love him, but in a different way.”

  My anger softened a bit at his words. Hearing him explain that his love for me was permanent definitely warmed my heart. For a moment I tried to relax and calm my anger. I tried to look at the big picture. Ryan still had feelings for Adam, but not necessarily romantic feelings. He missed Adam, maybe not as a boyfriend or even as a friend, but as a person. That’s why Ryan hugged Adam so tightly before we left.

  But I still didn’t like the fact that Ryan lied about our relations
hip to Adam. I didn’t believe for a second that it was just to made Adam feel guilty. I didn’t understand why Ryan would want Adam to think he was single. It didn’t make sense to me.

  So for that reason, my anger didn’t completely fade. I let it squirm inside of me, but I tried not to let it out as much.

  “Let’s just go to sleep.” I suggested, my voice calm.

  I stood up and stripped off my shirt to get ready for bed.

  “But Jamie...” Ryan protested, standing as well, “We need to talk about this.”

  “I’m done talking about it tonight.” I said, a sense of finality in my voice.

  I guess my tone made Ryan think that I was still angry. He kicked the bed in frustration.

  “Damn it...” He said angrily, “Why did Adam have to come and ruin everything?”

  I whipped around to face him. “He didn’t have to ruin everything, Ryan!” I said, raising my voice once again, “You could’ve sat there and pretended like he didn’t exist. But instead you pretended that I didn’t exist! You’re the one that made it a big deal. You could’ve held my hand and cuddled with me during the movie. You could’ve shoved it in his face that you had someone new! Why wouldn’t you want to do that?”

  He looked down and his cheeks flushed red. I couldn’t tell whether it was from anger or embarrassment, or just emotion in general. I then noticed his eyes watering slightly once more. He looked like a child being scolded by his parents.

  He didn’t answer my question. I guess I made it out to be rhetorical anyway.

  “Look, Ry.” I said, my voice softer, “Let’s not talk about it anymore tonight. You just said that you love me, and right now that’s enough for me. You love me, I love you, we’re together, neither of us are cheating on each other. We’re fine. I don’t want to think about this anymore tonight. Whatever Adam issues we have can be dealt with tomorrow. For now, let’s just go to bed.”

  He sniffled and nodded, keeping his eyes glued to the floor.

  He left the room to get ready for bed and I did the same. I brushed my teeth in the bathroom next to the guest room, and then I crawled into bed without saying goodnight to Ryan. I was still a bit angry, but mostly I was just tired of thinking about it. I wanted to get a good night’s sleep, since we’d be going back to school in the morning.

  After just a minute or two of laying in bed, Ryan came into the guest room and crawled into bed with me. We’d slept in the same bed every single night this week, but it still seemed odd to me that he wanted to do so tonight. I guess he’d gotten so used to sleeping next to me that he couldn’t get a minute of shut-eye when he was alone. And truthfully, I was the same way.

  But since my anger was still flaring a bit, I kept my back facing him. However, after a few moments he reached over and started caressing me, from my neck to my back to my waist. His fingers were gentle and his hands were cold, giving me chills.

  I wanted to stay mad at him, but I couldn’t. The heat of my anger was cooled by his soothing hands. I was just so sick of fighting and so sick of being upset that I wanted to cuddle with the person I loved most. And the person I loved most just happened to be the one I was supposed to be mad at.

  I was contemplating whether or not I should turn around and face Ryan so that we could cuddle together. But before I could make any kind of decision, he scooted closer to me so that we were practically spooning. He then planted the a small, gentle kiss on the back of my neck. It was such a heavenly feeling that my eyes nearly rolled back in my head.

  At that point, there didn’t seem to be a reason for me to keep my back facing him. So I rolled over and placed my hands on his waist. I pulled him as close to me as possible and kissed him. It felt rejuvenating after being mad at him for so long. Even though it had only been a few hours since Adam walked in and caused all that drama, it felt like weeks.

  Ryan’s lips were silky smooth and the way he moved them nearly made my heart explode with pleasure, as always. I unconsciously reached my hand up to hold his face, and I was surprised to feel a tear sliding down the bridge of his nose.

  I pulled away, still holding his face, and looked him straight in the eye.

  “Don’t cry.” I whispered, “Let’s just talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

  But he didn’t stop crying. In fact he cried harder, so I held onto his waist tightly.

  “Are you gonna break up with me?” He sobbed.

  I felt a sharp pain in my chest at the thought of it. Although I was angry, and although Ryan betrayed me, I couldn’t fathom breaking up with him. He was much too important to me, and by his tears I could tell that I was important to him too.

  “No, Ryan.” I clarified, “Definitely not.”

  He just cried harder, probably with relief.

  “I’m upset, but not that upset.” I told him, “Don’t worry about anything right now. Let’s just go to sleep.”

  I held him closely and shushed him occasionally until his crying subsided.

  Just when I thought he was finally asleep, I heard him whisper, “I love you, Jamie.”

  That definitely made me feel at least a little bit better.

  “I love you, Ry.” I said.

  We fell asleep.

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  .

  The next morning, Ryan and I packed up our stuff to head back to school. All the while, we maintained friendly chit-chat. We didn’t fight, but we didn’t show too much affection for each other either.

  Once again, Tim drove us to the train station. Before we left the house, however, Ryan took a moment to say goodbye to his mother. She looked a bit tense while hugging her son, but nevertheless told Ryan that she loved him. I merely waved goodbye to her, and she nodded sharply at me.

  “Thank you so much for letting me stay, Mrs. McMahon.” I said, trying to be as friendly as possible.

  She nodded sharply once more.

  When we arrived at the train station, Tim got out of the car to give Ryan a hug goodbye. It was much more friendly and loving than Vanessa’s hug. Tim gave Ryan a fatherly pat on the back and a kind smile.

  While Ryan was busy unloading our suitcases from the car, Tim took a moment to talk to me privately. He placed a hand on my shoulder in a manly, almost paternal way.

  “Thank you, James.” He said, “I mean... I’m just now starting to understand all this stuff. I’m glad you talked to me about everything.”

  I felt a warmth in my heart, and I couldn’t help but smile. I’d done my best to reason with his parents, and it was a relief to have at least one of them agree with me. I felt so accomplished. I’d created a much better family life for the guy I loved.

  “Thank you for listening to me.” I said to Tim, smiling.

  “Thank God I did.” He said, “And you know what? If any guy is gonna date my son, I’m glad it’s you.”

  I felt weak with happiness at his comment. I turned to Ryan, who was rolling our suitcases over to me and Tim. Ryan looked worn out, almost like spring break had done the opposite of rejuvenating him. Our fighting the previous night had left us both exhausted, and you could read it so plainly on his face. I, however, had woken up this morning feeling marginally better than the previous night. Although our fighting was far from pointless, it felt ridiculous to keep dwelling on it. I loved Ryan, and I knew he loved me. And Tim had basically just giving us his blessing.

  Why should we be fighting over things that happened in the past? Who cares what went on between Ryan and Adam. It’s over now. Ryan’s mine now.

  And I wanted to keep it that way.

  We said our goodbyes to Tim and headed into the station. On the train, Ryan and I didn’t speak to each other very much. I definitely wanted to sort out everything, but doing it on a train that we were both trapped on for the next hour or two didn’t seem right. Besides, the silence between us was a comfortable one, as it always is with me and Ryan.

  And he was busy reading a novel. In fact, he was completely engulfed in it. The story must’ve completely distrac
ted him from any thoughts about our relationship or our fight the previous night. I watched his expression while he read. It appeared as though he were looking at something far away, even though the book was right in front of him. There was some kind of longing or sadness in his eyes. The story must’ve been sad because every once in a while I would watch his expression turn even more sorrowful.

  We finally arrived back on campus, and both of us were exhausted after lugging both our suitcases back into our dorm room. Immediately I collapsed on my bed, which felt a bit less comfortable after getting used to the nice guest bed at the McMahon’s house. I didn’t understand how we could both be so tired after being on spring break for a week. We’d gotten to sleep in every single day while at Ryan’s house. But for some reason it almost seemed like spring break had worn me out rather than rejuvenating me.

  Perhaps it was because of our fight. Perhaps I was worn out emotionally, and that somehow translated into physical exhaustion.

  This realization only reminded me that Ryan and I still had some things to sort out.

  As always, he immediately opened his suitcase and started unpacking everything. He walked around the room, folding clothes and putting things away in the bathroom. He didn’t look at me and we didn’t speak but I watched him.

  “Ry...?” I asked.

  “Yeah?” He responded sweetly. Just by his tone I could tell he was willing to talk.

  “I feel like we need to talk about last night.” I said plainly.

  He stopped what he was doing, turned to face me, and sat on his own bed.

  “Yeah...” He said again, this time sounding a bit upset. But he still looked completely willing to have this conversation.

  However, I didn’t know what to say next. I was always comfortable talking to Ryan but for some reason this conversation seemed forced, and I didn’t know what was about to happen. Would it lead to another fight? Would we resolve some things but leave other important feelings untouched? Or would we completely make up? I wasn’t sure.

  After a second or two of silence, Ryan asked, “Are we okay?” His expression appeared almost shameful, as if he knew that he’d done wrong. I didn’t argue with that.