I was terrified of facing my parents. I hadn’t seen them in nearly six months, and so many things had happened in those six months. I’d realized my true sexuality, I’d created a loving relationship with the boy of my dreams, I’d discovered who my real friends were, I’d almost completely come out of the closet at school. It was weird to think that all my neighbors in Nickerson Hall knew that I was gay and knew my boyfriend just as well as they knew me, yet my parents had no idea about any of it. I suddenly wished that Ryan could’ve stuck around for just a few more hours so he could meet them. I wanted my parents to meet him, even if they had no idea he was my boyfriend.
Although I still wasn’t out to them at all, I dreaded seeing them. It wasn’t until their car pulled up in the Nickerson parking lot that I realized just how much I dreaded it. I kept telling myself to relax, that they didn’t know anything about anything. They probably didn’t even remember that my roommate was gay. They probably didn’t realize how close I was to him. They had no reason to suspect anything. Nothing I could say or do would give it away prematurely.
Unless I happened to talk about Ryan a lot.. and in an affectionate way. Unless I started acting “gayer” than usual... had my speaking style changed? Had my mannerisms changed? Was I now the epitome of a stereotypical homosexual? I couldn’t tell. I had no way of knowing. What I did know was that every move I made from here on out had to be calculated. I couldn’t give anything away. I couldn’t reveal any secrets. I had to hide my true self from the people who raised me, the people I loved most.
This was going to be an exhausting summer.
But in fact, the first few weeks of summer went by just fine. After I got over the initial scare of seeing my parents, I almost forgot that I was keeping a big secret from them. At certain points during my first few weeks back home, I almost forgot to disguise my “gayness.” When they asked about my roommate, I almost forgot to hide my affection for him. But they didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. They didn’t seem to have any suspicions at all. My little siblings Peter and Kendall asked about college life with excited and friendly faces. My parents joined the conversation with curious, yet kind questions.
So it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, hiding my true self from them. It wasn’t necessarily a constant game of dodging awkward situations or avoiding certain conversations. Although I had to lie or stretch the truth every once in a while, it was actually fairly easy to hide my sexuality. After a while I realized it was because I’d been hiding it my whole life. I was just used to it.
I settled back into the home life. I enjoyed the comforts of my own bed, my own room, my own house. I’d missed the comfort of a queen-sized soft mattress as opposed to that lumpy twin-size I had in room 125. Everything seemed to be back in place, except I felt as though I was missing something. I missed Ryan. I started missing him right away, and it became a constant pain in the back of my head. I called and texted him in secret several times over the first few weeks. And although hearing his voice and just talking to him made me feel so much better, it didn’t satisfy my desire to be near him.
But I was mostly preoccupied with the daunting task ahead: coming out to my parents. I didn’t have any sort of plans for it, and I didn’t even know whether or not I would be doing it this summer. But it was a constant thought that itched my subconscious. I never really stopped thinking about it.
On a boiling hot Saturday, a couple of days after the fourth of July, the raging thoughts moving through my mind were suddenly put on hold. Or perhaps they were sped up instead. This occurred when there was a knock at the door.
I was sitting on the living room couch, watching TV and trying not to melt in the blistering heat. I heard the knock, but I wasn’t the one to answer it and I couldn’t see who had come calling. I hardly paid attention to it, to be honest. I figured it was probably some door-to-door salesman or a couple of Mormon missionaries or something of the like.
I didn’t expect an all-too-familiar voice to ask, “Is this where James lives?”
I immediately sprung up from my spot on the couch and moved briskly towards the front door to see if it was really true. Could he really be here?
When I saw his face, it immediately struck me how different he looked. I hadn’t seen him in weeks. He’d gotten an adorable haircut since the last time I saw him. I noticed that he was wearing a backpack on his shoulders that looked completely full. And then it sunk in that he was really here and I didn’t have to miss him anymore.
“Ryan!” I shouted, smiling brightly.
Forgetting that my mom was watching, I immediately tackled Ryan and held him in the tightest bear hug I could manage.
“Hey!” He exclaimed excitedly.
Instinctively, I leaned in slightly to give him a kiss. But I quickly stopped myself and my face flushed when I realized that my mom was still watching. I immediately pulled out of our hug and laughed in astonishment instead.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Ryan, beaming.
“Came to visit you!” He smiled back.
He was so good at acting, at maintaining the appearance of my “best friend” rather than my boyfriend. I could bet that by watching him, my mom didn’t suspect a thing. If anyone was gonna give it away, it would be me.
I wanted to plant kisses all over Ryan’s face, but I restrained myself. I turned to my mother instead.
“Mom, this is Ryan.” I said, “Remember, he was my roommate?”
“Oh, that’s who this is!” She said, her face changing to sudden understanding, “It’s nice to meet you, Ryan!” She shook his hand.
“You too, Mrs. Radine.” He said politely.
“You’re just here for an unexpected visit?” She asked.
“Yeah I guess so, if that’s okay.” Ryan responded, looking back and forth between me and my mom.
“It’s definitely okay, right Mom?” I said, silently pleading that she’d let him stay.
She laughed. “Of course it’s okay!” She said, “We just weren’t expecting you. The house might be a bit messy.”
“He doesn’t care about the house being messy. You have to let him stay.” I argued.
“He can stay, he can stay.” Mom agreed, rolling her eyes at me playfully.
“Sweet!” I exclaimed. I wanted to turn and give Ryan a big kiss, but instead he reached up to give me a high-five.
He was good at this.
“How’d you get here?” I asked, leading him inside and closing the front door.
“Flew.” He explained simply.
“You took a plane here?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yup.” He was smiling, almost proudly.
“How’d you get here from the airport?”
“Took a taxi.” He responded.
“And this is everything you brought?” I asked, tugging on his backpack. It was bright green and decorated with sharpie and random sewn-on patches. It looked like the backpack he might’ve used in high school.
“Yup.” He gave me a look that said, I’ll explain later.
Immediately I became curious. The backpack and lack of any other luggage suggested that he might’ve packed in a hurry. And why would he so randomly take a plane just to see me? Did he mean to surprise me or was there some other reason that he was here?
“Do you want something to eat or drink, Ryan?” My mom offered, as I led Ryan through the kitchen and into the living room.
“No thanks, Mrs. Radine.” He declined.
Peter and Kendall were playing video games in the living room. When Ryan walked into the room, Kendall immediately asked “Who’re you?”
“Don’t be rude.” I scolded.
Ryan merely laughed. “I’m Ryan.”
“That’s Kendall.” I explained. I’d told him about my little siblings before, of course, but obviously he’d never met them.
“Hi Kendall.” He greeted, “And you must be Peter.”
Peter paused the video game just for a second to look up.
“Peter, this is Ryan.” I introduced, “He was my roommate during the school year.”
“Hi.” Peter waved.
My mother followed us into the living room and called to my dad, “Max, there’s someone here you should meet!”
While we waited for my dad to leave his study and join us, Ryan and I sat on the couch and watched Peter and Kendall continue their video game.
“Well who’s this?” Dad asked when he entered the room.
Ryan stood to shake his hand and I introduced them to each other.
“Ah, so you’re Ryan eh?” Dad said, “James has told us a lot about you.” He had a special sort of glint in his eyes.
I guess I had told my parents a lot about Ryan. During Thanksgiving break, I’d told them all about him, even mentioning that he was gay. I remember my parents didn’t like that very much. I wondered briefly if my dad remembered me telling him that Ryan was gay. Part of me hoped he didn’t, so that there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. But the other part hoped he did so that it would be easier to reveal our relationship.
I forced that idea from my mind. I still wasn’t at all ready to come out to my parents.
“Dad, can Ryan stay with us for a few days?” I begged, actually clasping my hands together in a childish plea. “Pretty please?”
He thought about it for a moment. “I don’t see why not.” He finally decided.
“Yes!” I celebrated. Ryan and I exchanged another high-five.
“Sorry I came so unexpectedly.” Ryan said to my parents, “I kind of wanted to surprise James.”
“It’s not a problem, honey.” Mom said nicely, smiling.
Things seemed to be going well so far.
Now, I wanted some privacy. I wanted to drag Ryan into my room and make passionate love to him for giving me such an incredible surprise. But obviously I couldn’t do that with my parents and siblings in the house. But I definitely wanted to at least talk to him privately and find out why he had so randomly come to surprise me. Just yesterday I had talked on the phone with him, and I had no suspicions that he was planning this. Had he literally just stuffed his backpack, bought a plane ticket, and headed over here on a whim?
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to talk to him privately for another hour or so. My parents sat down with the two of us and we all engaged in small talk for a while. They asked Ryan all about his potential majors and his parents and his hometown and other very basic details about his life. They asked how we became such good “friends” and we kind of made up a story on the spot. We told them that rooming together just brought us pretty close, which I guess is mostly true. We told them that we shared a ton of mutual friends, and ended up hanging out together all the time while we were at school. They didn’t seem to suspect a thing. I even got the feeling that they totally forgot he was gay. Or maybe they just hid their awkwardness very well.
Finally, I announced that Ryan and I were gonna go for a drive so that I could show him around town. Mom and Dad agreed that it would be a good idea. I was excited for the chance to finally get some alone time with my man.
We got in the car and as soon as we had driven past my house, we dropped the “just friends” act.
“What are you doing here?” I asked excitedly, reaching over and grabbing his hand with a smile.
“I wanted to surprise you.” He answered, staring at me lovingly.
“I can’t believe you’re here. I’m so happy.” I told him.
“It’s so good to see you.” He said.
As we were stopped at a red light, I looked over to find him smiling without teeth, looking incredibly relieved to be holding my hand. He had that strange look in his eyes that I used to find so mysterious. But now I knew better. I knew that was the look he got when he was thinking about how much he loved me.
Suddenly I had to touch him, hold him, kiss him. I had to just get my hands on him. Once we were far enough away from my house, I pulled into a random parking lot. It was mostly empty and it wasn’t on a busy street. I couldn’t see any passersby in the near vicinity. This was the most privacy we were going to get for the time being.
As soon as I parked the car, Ryan asked, “What are you doing?”
I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed into the back seat of my car. Once I was back there, I grabbed Ryan by the shirt collar and dragged him back there with me. He started laughing and ended up falling on top of me, so that we were laying down in the backseat together.
“Hi.” He giggled cutely.
“Hi.” My voice was a bit more seductive.
He leaned down to kiss me and as soon as our lips touched I went insane. It just took one kiss for me to realize how long it had been since I last touched him. We settled into each other comfortably, although it’s hard to get completely comfortable in the back seat of a car. He continued kissing me and I didn’t hesitate to kiss back. I ran my hands through his hair and he thanked me by slipping his tongue into my mouth. Just that was enough to make my dick throb.
We made out like this for several minutes until it grew to be almost too intense for us to stand. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and eventually I started sweating from such intense kissing. My jeans started feeling tighter and tighter with each passing second, and my body was heating up quickly, which wasn’t necessary in this intense July heat.
Ryan’s lips were smooth and moist and hot. He eventually moved to start kissing my neck and for a moment I worried that he was gonna give me a hickey. It seemed like that was his intention. I wanted to object, remembering that if I came home with a hickey on my neck my parents would start to suspect something. But I simply couldn’t stop him. I was in heaven and I didn’t want to end it.
I started to feel trapped in my skin. I wanted to touch him everywhere at once. I wanted him to touch me everywhere at once. I needed him. When his lips came back up to meet mine, I noticed how out of breath we were, and it only increased my desire.
I pushed him forcefully and rolled us both around so that I could be on top. Once I’d gained complete dominance, I pinned him down against the seat of the car so that I could have full control. I smiled slyly, and I guess my forcefulness just made him hornier because he moaned as soon as our lips touched again.
I kissed him roughly and a bit sloppily but I could tell we were both enjoying it. After another minute or two, I got too hot so I stripped off my shirt and bent down to continue. Ryan dug his fingernails into my back while we kissed.
Soon enough, I couldn’t handle the tension anymore. My dick was completely hard now, and I needed human contact. And not just any human, but Ryan. I started rubbing my crotch against his, just to take the edge off of my need. But it did just the opposite. It made me crave more. Because I immediately felt that his dick was just as hard as mine.
I moaned deeply and he seemed to understand my intense desire. He sat up briefly to strip his shirt off, and then he reached his hand down to unbutton my pants.
I suddenly felt a bit paranoid. I couldn’t believe we were doing this in a car, in public, in broad daylight. It seemed a bit insane to me. But the back windows of my car were tinted dark enough that no one would be able to see us unless they pressed their faces up to the glass. And the parking lot we were in was still pretty much empty. My desire was more intense than my fear, so I abandoned any insecurities.
I was suddenly aware of the fact that Ryan had his hand down my pants. He was stroking my cock slightly, but that was almost enough to make me come. I held back, however, and instead started kissing his neck while he continued stroking me.
I couldn’t help but let involuntary moans escape my lips every few seconds.
I leaned down and put my lips up to Ryan’s ear. I whispered, “More.”
He reached over and pulled down my pants, letting my dick spring out. He wrapped his hand fully around it and continued stroking. I was in so much bliss that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I almost couldn’t help but lean down and start kissing Ryan’s chest. I deci
ded to give him a hickey of his very own, on his chest where it wouldn’t be visible while clothed. I laughed mischievously when I succeeded in creating a bright red welt on his skin. He laughed back as if to playfully scold me for being naughty.
I decided then to stop being so selfish. I reached down and unbuttoned Ryan’s pants, sliding them down a few inches. When I started sucking on him, he let out the sexiest moans I’d ever heard. His eyes were closed, his voice was breathy, and he reached out blindly to try and grab onto something so he wouldn’t completely lose control.
“James...” He gasped in between moans, his chest rising and falling dramatically with each heavy breath he took.
I had to resist the urge to come just from the sound of his voice.
I continued sucking on him until he released his load into my mouth, and I swallowed it. I didn’t mind it at all, and I was more preoccupied with how sexy he looked when he was having an orgasm.
While he recovered, I stroked myself roughly. I no longer cared about holding back. I just wanted to come, right here, right now. Luckily, Ryan decided to return the favor. We settled into a position in which he could suck on me, and he did so without hesitation.
When I came, I couldn’t help but scream Ryan’s name. He didn’t stop sucking until all of it had been swallowed. He then bit his lip impishly, watching with delight while I moaned and cursed. He came up to kiss me and he tasted different. He caressed my chest with his fingers, sending intense chills through my system.
“Thank you.” I said breathlessly, laughing slightly.
“No, no. Thank you.” He giggled.
We put our clothes back on, but didn’t resume our positions in the front seats. We stayed in the backseat, laying in the awkwardly small space. Ryan somehow found a comfortable position in my arms and we relaxed there for a bit. He rested his head on my chest and closed his eyes. The adorable smile of satisfaction and love would not leave his face.
The Love We Breathe Page 24