by Leslie Gould
© 2017 by Leslie Gould
Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com
Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com
Ebook edition created 2017
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017945294
ISBN 978-1-4934-1195-5
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of the Bible.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, incidents, and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Cover design by LOOK Design Studio
Cover photography by Mike Habermaan Photography, LLC
Author is represented by MacGregor Literary, Inc.
In memory of my father
Bruce Egger
1923–2017
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Epigraph
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
Acknowledgments
About the Author Page
Books by Leslie Gould
Back Ads
Back Cover
The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him.
Proverbs 20:7
1
Jessica Bachmann
MARCH 2013
Tom Foster leaned toward me and extended the file. “You’re the one to do the initial interview on this. With your background in Lancaster County, I’m counting on you.” The case concerned an Old Order Amish family by the name of Stoltz and a contaminated well, possibly caused by fracking on their property.
It was an issue I had researched quite extensively in the last three years, out of fear of what my brother Arden wanted to do on our own family farm. My fear seemed to be unfounded, but it was still a topic I found fascinating, in a horrifying sort of way.
I steadied myself against my desk. “I’ll do my best.” As I took the file, Tom’s hand brushed mine. My heart began to race, something it hadn’t done in the last three years, not since Silas Kemp had kissed me for the very last time.
I swallowed hard, attempting to ward off the old familiar hollowness that threatened to ruin my moment with Tom. There was no reason for me to think of Silas now.
“Is that your phone?” Tom nodded toward my desk. Something was buzzing. No one ever called me at work, not on my cell anyway.
“Probably.” I patted the papers strewn across the top, retrieving my phone from under the farmers’ markets file. My desk was usually perfectly organized. Embarrassed, I held it up as if in victory, but the buzzing had stopped.
He smiled. “Are we still on for lunch?”
“Definitely,” I answered. “Eleven forty-five. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”
I watched as he headed down the hall. Tom was thinner than Silas and not as tall. He looked like a man who worked in an office and worked out at a gym. On the other hand, Silas looked, or had looked, like a man who bucked hundred-pound bales of hay and wrestled a team of mules, starting when he was fourteen.
Silas hadn’t tried to contact me, not once in the last three years. And why should he have? I made my choice. I knew what I was giving up. My parents. My remaining brother. My two sisters.
I sighed.
And Silas.
I concentrated on Tom, who glanced over his shoulder as he stepped into his own cubicle and smiled again. I waved, sure my face was turning red.
I slunk down into my chair and opened the file. I’d been dying to begin researching the case since Tom first mentioned it. Mentally, I zipped through the basics of fracking, which was actually slang for hydraulic fracturing. It consisted of drilling into the earth and directing a high-pressure mix of water, sand, and chemicals into rocks and creating fractures, which then released the gas inside. It was controversial for several reasons, including increased geological activity, including earthquakes in some areas. Depleted water tables due to the massive amounts of water needed to complete the process was another problem. Along with the spread of chemicals from the site of the fracking, which possibly caused contamination to ground and well water.
An energy bill, passed eight years before, exempted oil and gas industries from the Safe Drinking Water Act, which further complicated fracking cases.
Yes, I was looking forward to investigating the Stoltz case, but that needed to wait until I finished the list of all the farmers’ markets for the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture website, which was indicative of the sort of projects I was usually assigned as a clerical assistant. And whom could I blame? I had an eighth-grade education—and now a GED. Although I’d taken a few online classes at the community college, I was the least-educated person in the office.
I placed the Stoltz file to the side of my desk and glanced at the missed call on my phone. My heart lurched. Someone from home had called, from the phone in the office in the barn. Was it Dat calling? Had there been some sort of emergency? Hopefully he was just calling to let me know he planned to visit me soon. It had been several months since I’d seen him.
Just as I began to return the call, my phone buzzed again. Same number. Taking a raggedy breath, I pressed “accept” and put it to my ear, aiming to sound professional in case any of my colleagues were listening.
“Hello, this is Jessica,” I said in English. “How may I help you?”
“Jess? Is it you?” Leisel, my youngest sister, asked.
I turned toward the wall, my voice low. “Jah, it’s me.” She’d never called me before. “Is everything all right?”
“No, it’s not. It’s Dat.”
I fixated on a crack in the plaster. “What’s wrong?”
“He passed this morning.”
“Passed?” I choked on the word. What was Leisel saying? Dat was as strong as a workhorse.
“Jah, it all happened so quickly.” Leisel stopped with the English. “I meant to call.”
“What happened, exactly?” I managed to ask.
“He had a cough through the winter that he couldn’t get rid of.”
My legs began to shake as Leisel spoke, bumping my chair against the desk and making it rattle.
“He finally went to the doctor, but it was too late,” she said.
I pressed down on my knees with my free hand, willing the shaking to stop.
“It was cancer. Lung cancer.”
Lung cancer? He’d never smoked. “Did he die in the hospital?”
“No. At home. I took care of him.” Leisel weighed maybe a hundred pounds and was all of nineteen. Dat weighed over two hundred pounds and was well over six feet tall. How could my baby sister have cared for him?
“Come home.” Leisel’s voice cracked.
“Does Mamm want me to?”
“Of course.” Leisel’s voice didn’t sound convincin
g. I doubted my mother would ever forgive me for leaving, and I sincerely doubted if she wanted the stress of having me home.
“Come right now,” Leisel added. “We need you.”
“What about Marie?” She was our middle sister. “Does she want to see me?”
Leisel hesitated for a half second and then said, “Jah, of course.”
“And Arden?” Our brother and I had clashed our entire lives, but our relationship had grown absolutely intolerable before I left.
“Don’t worry about him,” Leisel said. “Just come home.”
I managed to stand, launching my chair backward as I did. “I’m on my way,” I said. “Tell Mamm and Marie . . .” Tell them what? That I was coming home for a few hours? A few days? A week?
I told Leisel good-bye and that I’d see her soon.
I started down the hall to Tom’s cubicle, taking the Stoltz file with me. He was on his phone, but when he saw me he excused himself and put his hand over the mouthpiece of his phone.
“Sorry.” I stopped.
“It’s fine,” he answered, a concerned expression falling over his face. “What happened?”
“It’s my Dat.” I couldn’t stop the tears.
He quickly ended his conversation, stood, and stepped toward me, coming around the side of his desk and wrapping his arm around me. “Is he ill?”
“No, he passed,” I whispered, wanting to take back the words as soon as I said them. Perhaps I’d dreamt Leisel’s call. I buried my head against his shoulder, but then quickly pulled away.
“Jessica.” He always used my full name. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”
I gulped in a shallow breath of air. “Lung cancer.”
“When was the last time he was here?”
“Before Christmas,” I answered, as I tucked the file under my arm and swiped beneath my eyes with my index fingers. It was now mid-March. Every three or four months, Dat would hire a driver to bring him to Harrisburg to see me.
“What do you need?” Tom squeezed my shoulder.
“A few days off. I’ll go talk with Deanna.” She was our supervisor. I held up the file. “Do you want to take this over?”
He shook his head. “No, you’re the best person for it.”
I thanked him and hugged the file to my chest. I’d ask Deanna about the file and see what she said. I wouldn’t be back to the office for several days, depending on when the service was held. She might want to take the Stoltz file back and assign it to Tom, regardless of what he just said—I knew how important it was to keep projects on schedule.
Tom took a step backward, releasing me. “Do you want me to go with you?”
I hesitated for a moment, imagining arriving at the farm with Tom by my side. I could see Mamm’s raised eyebrows. Marie’s frown. Arden’s crossed arms. “No,” I said. “But thank you.”
“All right. But I’d like to attend the service.”
“I’ll call,” I said. “Once I know the details.” Tom had met Dat a few times, and there had been a mutual respect between the two, mostly based on a love of the land and farming in general, although for Tom it was mostly theory. A college degree in communications with a minor in ag, and then a job in the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture, had given him a lot of head knowledge, although not much practice.
Before Tom drove down to Lancaster County, I’d need to fill him in on the details of an Amish funeral. The service would be conducted in Pennsylvania Dutch and High German, and because Dat was well respected and also a deacon, hundreds of people would be there. Tom might be the only Englischer, besides me. Unlike Dat, the rest of my family would not be as understanding.
Tom squeezed my shoulder again, a little awkwardly. We’d been dating, taking it very slowly, for the last six months. However, we’d managed, mostly, to keep our relationship a secret at work.
“Thank you . . . for everything.” I stepped away from him.
He smiled kindly. “Call as soon as you can.”
“I will.”
I slipped down the hall to Deanna’s office. She was in her mid-fifties and a friendly and compassionate woman. After I told her what happened, she gave me a hug. “Take the whole week,” she said. “Don’t give work a second thought.”
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll be gone that long,” I said. “I’ll most likely be in on Friday, maybe even on Thursday.” I assumed the service would be held on Wednesday. I held up the file. “What about the Stoltz case? Tom just gave it to me.”
“Keep it,” she said. “I told him I wanted you to do it. A little bit of a delay won’t matter.”
I thanked her. After I placed all of my files in my top drawer, tidied the remaining papers on my desk, and logged out of my computer, I wiggled into my coat, then grabbed my purse, and hurried to my car—a gray 2005 Toyota Camry. To anyone else, it appeared to be a conservative, safe, economical car. To me, the ex-Amish girl, it was an absolute miracle. I thanked God for it every time I sat down behind the wheel. Thankfully I’d driven to work that day—I often walked.
I worked two miles from the Pennsylvania State Capitol and lived only two blocks from it. As I turned off Cameron Street to State Street, the capitol building came into view. Most days I marveled at the beauty of the building with its green dome and expansive wings, but today my troubled soul barely noticed it. I found a parking place, locked my car, and hurried the half block to my brick building.
My apartment was over the coffee shop where I’d worked when I first moved to Harrisburg. I quickly unlocked the door to the outside staircase and hurried up the steps to the third floor. My studio was at the back of the building, overlooking the courtyard. I had a pullout couch, a small table and two chairs, a dresser, and a desk with my laptop on it. The hardwood floors shone, thanks to my polishing them, and the place was decorated with old photographs and prints, all landscapes, that I’d found at secondhand stores.
The space had been my place of safety since I fled Lancaster. I’d first used my computer here. I explored the Internet, discovered Netflix, and watched my first movie. I’d Googled current events, pop culture, and fashion.
I soon learned all sorts of things about myself, starting with that I said jah far too often and in what others heard as an accent. In time, I’d been able to rid myself of it. My job at the coffee shop and the regular customer interaction helped cure me of my odd words and speech patterns. I also learned I held my knife and fork differently than the general population, that my hair was frizzy, that I didn’t understand most Englisch jokes, and that I had no clue about Taylor Swift, Facebook, or Angry Birds—let alone politicians or world events.
Besides current events, I’d also Googled farming techniques, land development in Lancaster County, fracking, water rights, toxic chemicals, living off the grid, and hundreds of other topics. My thirst for knowledge was insatiable.
Practically everything I’d learned in the last three years came to me by surfing the Web, or from an Englisch co-worker or friend pointing out some new piece of information, usually with an amused look on his or her face. A year after I arrived in Harrisburg, I completed my GED courses and then started taking an online community college class nearly every semester. The apartment was my place of safety, but my computer was my window to the world. I’d changed beyond measure in the last three years.
I grabbed an overnight bag and filled it with my pajamas and two sets of clothes. I figured I’d wear the skirt and sweater set I had on to the service. Next I hurried into my closet-sized bathroom for my toothbrush and toiletries and placed them in the bag too.
I took a moment and peered out my window and down into the brick courtyard of the coffee shop. Last October, on the last warm Saturday morning, Tom and I had sat at one of the tables, potted plants surrounding us. It was the first time we’d talked about “us.” Tom had told me I was the “kind of girl” he’d been hoping for his entire life. I’d warmed inside. He longed for someone sweet and caring, he’d said. Someone who knew how to run a home, but
who also loved the outdoors. Funny thing was, out of all the girls I knew who grew up Amish, I was the worst at domestic chores, but I supposed—compared with the average Englisch girl—I did know my way around a kitchen, as well as doing the laundry and sewing. Laughably, my family never would have agreed with Tom. Most of them believed I would make the worst wife ever.
Of course, I couldn’t tell Tom that he wasn’t the type of man I’d been waiting for my entire life. For the first nineteen years of my life, I thought I’d marry an Amish man who could handle a team of mules, plow a field, break a horse, build a barn, and help raise eight or more children. That wouldn’t be Tom. But since I left the Amish, he was exactly the sort of man I’d been waiting for. He was kind and dedicated to his church. He was a hard worker, in his own way, and a good leader both at work and among his friends. He loved his family. And he seemed to love me too.
I focused on the bare courtyard, which appeared to be ready for the upcoming spring days. I longed to sit there with Tom again. It was our spot, just as the old oak tree on the farm had been where Silas and I often retreated. Silas.
I grabbed the bag, locked my door behind me, descended the stairs as quickly as I could, and then hurried back to my car, the wind whipping my hair around my face. Was I brave enough for what was ahead of me? Leaving Lancaster County was one thing—returning was an entirely different proposition, especially when my father wouldn’t be there to protect me.
Because I’d joined the church, once I left I had been thoroughly and irrevocably shunned. Streng Meidung was what was done by our district. The strong shunning. I’d been put under the Bann permanently. I’d absolutely expected it. Anyone who grew up Amish knew the verses that supported shunning. I remembered one in particular from Matthew: “And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”
I’d broken my vow of baptism. I’d disobeyed. And I’d refused to confess my sin.
I knew the Bann was out of love. Everyone in our community wanted me to return, to keep my vow. I received letters from family and friends, begging me to repent and return to the fold. Not only had I broken my vow to the Lord Jesus, but I’d broken my vow to them as well. The only way to preserve the Amish way of life was to shun those who left—it lent strength to the community, based on Christian principles. In the Englisch world, it would be called “tough love,” although I didn’t know of anyone in the general population who loved quite as toughly as the Amish.