Ellen knew that. But it still felt good to have validation from someone who loved her mother almost as much as Ellen did.
COLE WASN’T THAT BAD. His hair was clean. Cut. He didn’t have any obvious tattoos. His shorts didn’t hang below his butt. And he didn’t walk like a punk.
“That ponytail makes you look like a girl.”
Jay had hooked up Cole to the earbud system in preparation for a trip to somewhere from the ice rink so the words were delivered clearly.
“You hungry, kid?” he asked. Cole had been told Jay was a friend of his dad’s from college—completely true as long as the term friend was used loosely. He was in town visiting and picking Cole up because his parents had a business dinner that they couldn’t miss.
“Yeah, I’m hungry,” Cole said. “What’s for dinner?”
How the hell did Jay know? Pizza and beer was out. At least the beer part.
“Hamburgers and French fries,” he said, settling himself on the bike, getting a feel for the weight behind him.
The kid was skinny. And he wore glasses. Kelsey hadn’t mentioned that part. He looked more like a bookworm nerd than a troublemaker.
He was the spitting image of Jay at that age. Of course, these days, Jay wore contacts.
“Cool.” Cole named a popular fast-food joint where he wanted to eat.
Jay made it a point to never eat fast food. But if that’s what Cole wanted…
“Move with me when I move,” Jay said into the mic attached to his earbuds. “No sudden jerks, and for God’s sake, hold on.”
The hands that touched his shoulders were too small to have been in jail.
“No, kid, really hold on.”
“I’m not holding a guy who looks like a woman.”
“You hold on, hands around my waist, or you don’t go.” It was that simple.
Cole’s hands slid around his waist.
Childish hands. His son’s hands.
That bothered Jay.
JAY DROVE BY HALF A DOZEN hamburger joints. Cole didn’t bother pointing out the fact that he’d missed them. Based on the whoop, and the laughter coming through the headset, he’d guess that Cole was having a blast.
“You ever been on a bike before?” Jay asked when he could trust himself to speak without sounding like the girl his son had called him. He should have asked before. Would have. If he’d had a clear thought.
“No, man, this is cool. You gotta talk my dad into getting one of these.”
No need. Cole’s dad already owned a bike.
Jay had a son. A small him.
A little guy who was all bravado—probably to cover how scared he was of all the shit life threw at him. Or maybe it was a way to deflect the mocking from his classmates.
He could have helped Cole with that one.
“How long you staying with us?” Cole asked. “Can we go out again tomorrow after school? I don’t have practice on Fridays.”
“I’ll talk to your mom,” Jay said. He wasn’t going to lie to the boy. Not ever.
He’d lost twelve years of protecting this child. Twelve years of his son’s life.
Jay’s eyes were watering, which made no sense. Dust wasn’t particularly high in Phoenix today—monsoons had swept through during the night. He didn’t have allergies. And he hadn’t cried since he was Cole’s age.
ELLEN ATE ICE CREAM WITH the kids. Plain, old-fashioned hot-fudge sundaes for her and Clarissa. Calvin had hot fudge, too, but with bubble gum ice cream.
Her dinner, their dessert.
Phyllis was on the phone when she dropped them back at home. Waving at Matt, who was on his computer, Ellen made her escape.
There were no lights on at Jay’s place so he probably wasn’t back yet. Instead, she stopped by Shelley’s rehearsal room at Montford, where her sister would be practicing the piano.
“What do you think?” Shelley asked after finishing a particularly difficult classical piece, her expression apprehensive.
“You’re gifted, Shel, you know that.”
“I have to get it right,” Shelley said. “I missed the B-flat crescendo.”
If she said she did, she might have, but Ellen certainly couldn’t tell.
“You’re frowning,” Shelley said. “I screwed up bad, didn’t I?”
“No, you did not screw up. I swear, I didn’t hear a single mistake. I’d tell you if I did. You know that.”
Nodding, Shelley’s brow cleared. “So what was the frown about?”
“I want to have sex with him.”
“With that biker dude who’s driving Mom crazy?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you think I should meet him first?”
“No.”
“Oh.” Shelley frowned again. “I wouldn’t approve?”
“It doesn’t matter if you do or not. I’m not going to have a relationship with him.”
“Wait.” Leaving the bench, Shelley approached the love seat that was the only other piece of furniture in the tiny room. Sitting next to Ellen, she took Ellen’s hand and leaned forward, looking her straight in the eye.
After the rape, Shelley hadn’t been able to look at Ellen. Her younger sister had blamed herself for the attack on Ellen. If she hadn’t been so wild, giving her mother so much trouble, if she’d done her share around the house and with the younger kids, Ellen wouldn’t have been so reluctant to call for help. If Shelley had picked the kids up from school once or twice, maybe Ellen wouldn’t have been out of gas.
It had taken Shelley a couple of years before she’d been able to tell Ellen how sorry she was for letting her down. Unfortunately, not the confession or the apology, or Ellen’s repeated assurances that the rape had in no way been Shelley’s fault, had seemed to ease the guilt Shelley bore.
“Think about what you’re saying, El. This is you. Miss ‘I believe in love ever after, riding off into the sunset, making love is sacred,’ you.”
At least Shelley had listened to the repeated lectures her older sister had doled out.
“You can’t have sex without caring about a guy.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t care about him. Only that I’m not going to have a relationship with him. Jay’s…Jay,” Ellen said. She was smiling like a goggle-eyed schoolgirl. But she couldn’t help herself. If anyone would understand, Shelley would.
And Phyllis had said it—Ellen had already tried all of the traditional counseling routes. It was better to give an unusual solution a chance than living her whole life being less than she wanted to be.
“He hates Shelter Valley. And has no use for higher education, either,” she said. “He’s thirty-two years old and has never had a committed relationship in his life. His idea of home is wherever his motorcycle takes him. The thought of settling down gives him hives.”
“And you want to sleep with him…why?”
“He turns me on, Shel.” It was something you could only tell a sister who had gone through puberty with you, who had held your hand when you gave birth, and who had cried with you when your marriage broke up because you hated sex.
“Seriously, El? As in…what?”
“All of it. Everything.”
Grinning, Shelley sat back. “It’s a miracle. Oh, my God, El.” Her voice broke. “I thought…if what I’d done…if you’d been robbed of the most intense, beautiful…you have no idea how much I’ve worried. And prayed.” Throwing her arms around Ellen, she held her tightly. And when she pulled back, she studied Ellen intently. “You’re sure?”
“Completely sure. It’s driving me crazy.”
“And you think you’re okay, with…you know, doing it…without happily ever after attached?”
“I think it’s the only way I can be sure I’m really capable of following through with it,” Ellen said. “If I were in a relationship, if the future of the relationship or the guy’s feelings were attached to the act, then I’d be all tied up and afraid of failing him. It would be worse, if the feeling went away, and I had followed through anyway
because I loved him.”
“Like you did with Aaron.”
“Right. This way, it’s part of my therapy. Unusual, to say the least, but safe, protected and completely without commitment. No conditions attached, except that if I decide, at any time that I want to stop, we stop. No hard feelings.”
She withstood Shelley’s perusal. And still felt pretty confident that she was making the right choice.
“There’s one problem,” Shelley finally said.
“I’m on the Pill,” Ellen reminded her.
“No, him. I mean, how can you be so sure he’ll go along with this? Not that you aren’t the hottest thing in Shelter Valley, you are, but—”
“I’m not hot.” Ellen laughed. “And I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be. And I’m pretty sure he’ll go along with it because—” She stopped. Jay’s confession to her had been private. Sacred.
“Just because,” she finished. “And if he doesn’t want to help me, then I won’t be having sex with him.”
“Wow.” Shelley held both of her hands. Swinging them lightly. “I can’t believe this.”
“You don’t think I’m crazy?”
“I don’t care if you’re crazy. I’m thrilled that you can feel again. If this works, El, you could start dating. Get married to a guy who’s worthy of you. Have more kids…”
Shelley teared up, and so did Ellen. The life her sister described was exactly what Ellen wanted, what she’d almost given up hope of ever having. All she had ever wanted was to marry, have children. Be a wife and a mother and raise her family in Shelter Valley.
If Jay could give her that chance again, she’d be forever indebted to him.
And so would her future husband be. They could name their first child after him.
The idea didn’t hold as much appeal as the thought of having sex with Jay.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“COLE, THERE’S SOMETHING I have to tell you.” Sitting in a booth in the deserted playroom of the restaurant Jay had eventually stopped at, he popped a French fry into his mouth. Watched while his son chewed and swallowed the last bite of his burger. After driving around for an hour, he’d gotten used to the idea of having a son.
If Cole was like him, he’d be fine with the idea, too. He and Cole would ride around the country on the back of the Harley. Until his son turned sixteen and had a bike of his own. Then they would ride side by side. Two guys on the road. Needing no one.
“What? You can’t take me out tomorrow after school? Don’t worry about it. Mom probably wouldn’t have let me go anyway. She doesn’t like me to have fun. She doesn’t think I deserve it.”
“That’s not true. Your mother wants you to have fun.”
“No, she really doesn’t.” The boy slurped to finish his drink. “She says a bad kid like me doesn’t deserve good stuff.”
“You think you’re a bad kid?”
“She does.”
“Do you?”
“Hell, I don’t know. Maybe. Anyway, what was it you had to tell me?”
You’re my son. Jay heard the words in his head. His frozen throat prevented them from sounding out loud.
“Let me ask you something, first.” He tried a different tact.
“What?”
“How would you feel about spending time on the road with me?”
“On the motorcycle?” The boy’s eyes were huge.
“Yeah.”
“I’d say, let’s go.”
“Could you see yourself ever living at the beach?” Part-time only. Kelsey still needed her son. And even if she didn’t, Cole needed his mother. But for summers, weekends and school holidays, Jay could have his chance.
“Hell, yeah.” Then the boy frowned. “Wait, what is this? You some kind of cop or something? Am I under arrest?”
“No. What makes you think that?”
“There was this kid at school, kind of a friend of mine. Some guy came and took him off to a place where he’s locked up. They called it a school, but it ain’t like no school I’ve ever heard of. He doesn’t even get to come home for Christmas.”
“I’m no cop,” Jay said. “Though I am a licensed private investigator.”
Cole held up both hands, palms out. “Hey, I haven’t done nothing, man. No matter what Mom has told you. I’m clean. I swear.”
“Cole, I’m not out to get you.”
The boy sat back, his arms folded across his chest. “Then what is this? You aren’t staying with us, are you? You aren’t a friend of my dad’s.”
“I’m not staying with your parents, but, yes, I was a friend of your father’s in college. I was a friend of your mom’s, too, and that’s why I’m here.”
“Because you’re investigating them? You’re using me to find out stuff about them?”
“No.”
“What then? Who are you?”
“I’m your father.” The words, the truth, slid right out. Almost naturally. Jay took his first easy breath since pulling into Phoenix. It hadn’t been that bad.
Cole jumped up with such force, he knocked their tray off the table, spilling Jay’s fries all over the floor. “You’re lying! You bastard. Take me home. I want to go home. Now! You can’t keep me here. I’ll call the cops. Say I’ve been kidnapped… I probably have been kidnapped. I know how this goes. You tell me you’re my long-last dad, I believe you and then you take me away and do sick things to me. Well, I’m not falling for it….”
The boy’s voice rose enough that people in the dining room on the other side of the wall were staring at them.
“Here.” Pulling his phone out of the case at his waist, he handed it to Cole.
“What?”
“Call your mom. You dial. You know the number and her voice. Call her.”
Cole stared for a solid minute. At the phone. At Jay.
“Everything okay in here?” A manager-type came into the enclosure.
Jay looked at Cole. Head bowed he sat.
“Everything’s fine,” Jay said.
“Son?” The manager came closer.
“Yeah. I just need to call my mom,” Cole muttered.
Seeing the cell phone in the boy’s hand, the man gave Jay another look, as if to warn him that if he tried anything funny he’d find himself on the wrong end of a pair of handcuffs, and left them alone.
He’d be watching them, though.
“Call her,” Jay said. He’d thought about telling the manager that he was Cole’s father, but with the reaction that news had received, he’d figured it was best to hold his tongue on that one.
Turning his back on Jay, Cole dialed. The wait seemed interminable then Jay heard Cole say, “Mom?”
The boy sounded as though he was crying.
“Jay says he’s my dad.” Another pause. “No, he’s not. Dad is. You’re lying to me because you guys don’t want me.”
The wait was longer this time. “Whatever.” Almost immediately he repeated that word. Then again. “No, you don’t.” He paused before finally muttering, “Bye.”
Slumped in the seat, Cole handed over the phone. Jay waited. Nothing was forthcoming.
The manager’s curious stare through the window was becoming annoying. “You ready to go?”
“Sure,” Cole said, stepping on the fries he’d spilled, crushing them into the tile. Jay had forgotten all about them.
With a silent apology to whoever would have to clean up his son’s mess, Jay followed him to the bike.
Cole pulled on his helmet, adjusted the sound level, then climbed on. He slid his arms around Jay’s waist without being told to. He didn’t say a word the whole trip back, not even when Jay pulled up to the security booth of the gated community and typed in the code that swung open the gates.
“You want me to come in?” he asked as Cole jumped off the bike almost before it had stopped in front of his house.
“No,” Cole said. “And I don’t want you, either. I don’t care what any of you say. You aren’t my dad. If you were, where have you bee
n all my life?” Without waiting for an answer, he headed toward the house.
As if on cue the front door opened, and Kelsey stood there. An older Kelsey. She’d put on a few pounds, but not many. Her hair was still blond, long and silky-looking. But the lines on her face were all new since Jay had seen her last.
Putting an arm around her son’s shoulders, she pulled him inside and, with a dismissive wave in Jay’s direction, shut the door.
Both times Jay stopped on the way to Shelter Valley to call Kelsey’s cell phone, she didn’t pick up.
There was a message from her, though, when he arrived at his rental home.
“Jay, I’m really sorry to have dragged you into all of this. Meeting you was the catalyst Cole needed to see how much we mean to him, how much living at home means to him. It’s been a wake-up call for all of us. He’s promised to listen to us from now on. He understands that we have rules because we love him and that he has to do as we ask. And we have you to thank for that. I’m sorry to have bothered you, but you can rest assured that your son is loved and well cared for. We’ll call you if we need you. Thanks again. Bye.”
What the hell?
IT WAS AFTER NINE O’CLOCK when Ellen finally saw lights on at Jay’s. He’d been gone over five hours. Did that mean things had gone all right with Cole?
Or that they hadn’t?
Sitting outside his house in her car, she thought about calling him. But was afraid he wouldn’t pick up. From what she’d seen, Jay had a way of closing in on himself when he had wounds to lick.
Apparently, life had required that of him.
He didn’t need to do that tonight.
And if he was fine and didn’t need company? She’d say good-night and be on her way home.
Maybe to take another hot bath. A dip in the pool would be nice, too—it had reached over one hundred and ten degrees today. She could stop by her mom’s—provided she didn’t mind answering questions about where she’d been and why she was out so late. But it would be nice to talk to David, find out if he’d heard anything.
And if Shelley was home, maybe the two of them could watch a movie. For that matter, she should have asked her sister to spend the night with her. Shelley didn’t have class in the morning.
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