by Laurel Kerr
“Thank you,” she said softly. “For coming.”
“It was no b-bother, lass.”
* * *
When they finally reached the hospital, the staff immediately took Nan into triage. Then the waiting began. Nurses and doctors flitted in and out. All around her, June could hear the terrible sounds of the ER. The constant beeping of machines. The groans of other patients. The squeak of shoes accompanied by the sound of wheeling gurneys. Through it all, Magnus stayed by her side. His solid presence helped steady June as the rest of her world threatened to fissure around her.
Nan lay so still, looking like a rag doll under the white hospital blankets. Her mouth was still agape, her skin almost gray in its paleness. A phlebotomist came and drew blood. The ER doctor examined her. Someone came to wheel her away for a CT scan. Magnus reached over and took June’s hand. His fingers were thick. Strong. Despite his career as a writer, they were callused, and there was something comforting in that, something honest.
“Are you hungry or thirsty, lass? I could bring you something from the canteen.”
“No, I’m fine,” June said. Her stomach sloshed with guilt and worry. Nothing would stay down even if she tried.
The orderly brought her grandmother back, and still they waited. When her parents called from the airport for an update, June could tell them little. Finally, the doctor returned. June gripped Magnus’s hand. Part of her wanted to know Nan’s diagnosis. The rest of her dreaded to hear it. It was awful. This not knowing. But the knowing might be worse.
“Your grandmother’s had a severe sodium drop,” the doctor said. “We’re still running tests, but we’re going to admit her. We’ll need to bring her sodium levels up slowly. We believe she’s also experiencing a urinary tract infection, and we’re sending a sample to the lab to be cultured.”
June nodded. She should be asking questions, finding out more. But her mind refused to cooperate. She felt like a child again, dropped into yet another foreign country, another base, another new life. The doctor kept talking, and June did her best to absorb everything, but her head just buzzed. Magnus seemed to be listening intently as he sat next to her, his shoulder wedged against hers, his hand still wrapped around her fingers. She focused on his warmth and his strength, instead of the yawning hole inside her.
The hours slipped together, both rushing and trickling by. Her grandmother was moved to an intensive-care step-down unit a few floors up. There was paperwork to complete and more questions about her grandmother than June could answer. The medical assistant bustled in and out as she worked to make Nan comfortable. Next came the nurse who hooked her grandmother up to more machines. Doctors came. A cardiologist. A psychologist. An internist. A neurologist. A urologist. Information flew at June. Nan did have a urinary tract infection. Her sodium levels were going up too fast, so they were going to cut back. The doctors recommended a spinal tap. An orderly was taking her for an MRI.
Questions were asked. How long had Nan experienced confusion? What medications did she take? Did she live alone?
The light left the sky and then returned. June’s brother managed to contact her, and her parents called from yet another airport. Katie phoned, worried. She wanted to come to the hospital, but June ordered her to stay home. Katie only relented after she talked to Magnus.
It was afternoon the next day when June’s parents finally arrived. As soon as she saw her mama, all the tears she’d been holding back burst forth like the Great Flood. Her mom held her tightly and rocked her as her dad, ever the officer, took charge.
As June hugged her mother, she tried to battle the guilt consuming her. She, who had always excelled at whatever she tried, had failed. She hadn’t taken care of her nan. She should’ve taken her to a doctor in the city weeks ago. If she had, none of this would have happened. None of this.
* * *
Magnus had learned long ago it was nigh impossible to disappear into the background with a broad, six-foot-plus frame. But it had never stopped him from trying. He stood in the corner of the hospital room, wishing for a way to extricate himself without calling attention to his presence. June and her folks deserved their privacy, and he had always felt as useless in family situations as a palm tree growing in the Arctic. But June had unfortunately run to her mother, and the two were embracing in the doorway. With his bulk, he could never slip past them.
Her father’s gaze fell on him almost immediately. Magnus nodded sharply. The older man’s eyes narrowed as he sized him up. Although Magnus was an inch or two taller and more than a few pounds heavier than the former military man, he resisted the urge to shift his weight from foot to foot like a peedie lad called into the headmistress’s office. The man’s lean frame was ramrod straight, and he exuded a lethal confidence that time behind a desk hadn’t dulled. Shite, Magnus and June were barely even snogging, and he was sweating harder than he did after unloading a lorry full of feed.
Although June’s da was shorter than Magnus, he was still tall, and she must have inherited her height from him. In all other aspects, she looked like a copy of her mum. Same willowy build. Same blond hair. Same bonny features. Same wellspring of emotions.
The nurse bustled in. June’s da fired off questions, and finally June and her mother moved from the doorframe. Magnus muttered something, grabbed his bag, and slipped from the room. He headed to the small waiting area where he’d found a coffee machine earlier. The stuff was pure rubbish, but he poured himself another cup. He preferred tea and generally hated the bitter American brew, but he’d been awake for more than twenty-four hours. Even with her family here, June still needed him.
He stretched and rolled his shoulders. The lass thought herself responsible. She hadn’t said as much, but he’d seen it in her face as plain as a tammie norrie’s bright-orange beak. June needed rest. Perhaps with her parents here, she’d finally leave her nan’s side. She hadn’t even gone down to the canteen for food. Instead, he’d brought it back, but she hadn’t eaten much.
Settling down in a chair, Magnus first called Bowie to let him know he’d be at the hospital at least a little while longer. As soon as he hung up, he pulled out his laptop and began to write. After about a half an hour, he headed back to Clara’s hospital room. It was time for June to get some sleep.
At his entrance, June and her parents looked up. Something caught in his chest at the sight of the lass. Even puggled—her eyes bleary, her normally perfect blond hair mussed, June was a bonny woman. But while she normally bubbled with energy, a weariness clung to her, and the urge to protect, to soothe roared through Magnus. He’d never experienced the like for another human. Aye, he’d felt responsibility for an orphaned lamb or a sick calf, but June was no sheep or cow. This was deeper, more demanding, this primal need to care for her.
“You n-n-n-need to rest, June,” Magnus said, too focused on persuading her to take a break to worry about stuttering in front of her family.
June shook her head. “I’m fine, Magnus. You can go on home if you need to. You’ve been such a big help. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through this without you.”
“You’re deeskit, lass,” Magnus insisted, using the Orcadian word for tired.
June’s mom turned toward her and patted her hand. The gesture reminded Magnus keenly of June herself.
“June Bug, your friend is right. You’re plumb tuckered out. Your daddy and I can handle things while you get some shut-eye.”
June Bug. The name suited her perfectly. Magnus might even have smiled if he hadn’t been so worried.
Unfortunately, June shook her head resolutely. “I don’t want to leave Nana.”
“We can stay at the hotel next door,” Magnus said and then looked directly at June’s da. “In s-s-separate rooms.”
The man’s expression remained neutral. June’s didn’t. Her bonny mouth pressed into a stubborn line. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Over
her head, her parents exchanged a look of concern, and Magnus saw the first crack in her da’s military bearing. When he spoke, his voice was paradoxically gruff and gentle. “You’re not going to do anyone any good if you collapse.”
“I’m not going to collapse.” June crossed her arms.
Just then, her grandmother groaned. She shifted in the bed, muttering something about fire consuming her bones. A hush descended. Tears welled in June’s eyes, and she pressed her hand against her mouth. The lass was exhausted, despite her protestations.
“June,” her da said in a quiet, commanding tone, “you need sleep. If anything happens, your mother and I will call you. Immediately.”
“But—” June started to say before her da interrupted.
“Go to the hotel. That’s an order, June Bug.”
She glanced over at her mom, who gave her a sad smile. “Your daddy’s right, June. A body’s got to rest.”
June’s gaze next fell on Magnus. He didn’t speak. He just extended his hand to help her up. She sighed heavily but accepted his offer. He pulled her gently to her feet. As they walked toward the door, she turned back to her parents. “Y’all will call me the moment y’all learn something or if she takes a turn. Y’all promise.”
Both her parents nodded, and June finally left the room. Magnus followed her closely. The lass held herself stiffly. Too stiffly. She reminded him of a finely spun glass ornament. One wrong tap, and she could shatter.
* * *
June felt like a wraith drifting aimlessly as she walked beside Magnus. Once they’d exited the hospital, he’d placed his warm hand on her back to guide her to the hotel. Folks passed, laughing, talking. Horns honked in the distance. A truck whizzed past. People jostled her as they hurried along.
Normal. Their world was normal, and June’s was falling apart.
Guilt gnawed at her. She’d known her grandmother didn’t seem right. True, June had taken her to the local doctor, but she should have pursued it further and taken Nan to a specialist.
Her throat thickened uncomfortably. She could feel the flood of tears inside her gaining strength. But she would not break down. Not here. Not on the street. She would wait until she was alone.
She responded to the slight pressure on her right shoulder and entered the revolving door of the hotel. Feeling hollow, she trailed after Magnus as he made his way to the reception desk. He booked two connecting rooms while June stood there, thinking of her gran’s empty hazel eyes.
A sob bubbled up from deep within June, but she ruthlessly shoved it down. She thought of her nan—her real nan, the one June had known all her life. Her nan was tough, determined. She’d taught June that a lady never displays ugly emotions in public. June would not shame her grandmother.
She straightened her shoulders and managed to smile at the hotel staff. She kept the grin on her face as she rode the elevator with Magnus. Somehow, she even nodded politely at an elderly couple who got on after them. Magnus handed her an electronic key card when they reached their rooms. Try as she might, June couldn’t get it to work. Frustrated, she jiggled the handle, resisting the urge to kick something.
Magnus appeared at her side. He gently removed the card from her hand and swiped it. He held open the door, letting her enter first. She walked into the room and just stood in the darkness. Magnus flipped on the light and removed her purse, along with the bag she was carrying of new clothes her mother had bought her at the airport gift shop. Magnus placed both satchels in the closet and turned to face June.
“Are you all right, lass, or do you want m-me to stay?”
June felt her face crumple. She flung her arms about Magnus, burying her head against his solidness as she sobbed. His strong arms enveloped her, his rough hand gently caressing her hair. “They’re taking good care of your nana. Do not fash yourself.”
“It’s my fault!” The words burst from her along with an even stronger torrent of tears.
“There’s no truth in that, lass,” Magnus said as he rocked her.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” June pulled back to thump her hand against her own chest. “She is my responsibility! Mine!”
Magnus shook his head and cradled her against him once more. “You took her to the doctor. What m-m-more could you have done, hen?”
“I should have demanded a blood test. Taken her for a second opinion. Done something else! She wasn’t right. I knew she wasn’t right.”
“The doctor said they didn’t know why her sodium d-d-dropped or how long she’s had her infection,” Magnus said. “She is old, June.”
“I—”
“Do not go blaming yourself. There is no good in that. I know.”
“But—”
Magnus cut her off by hoisting her in the air. She clung to his neck as he carried her over to the king-size bed. Instead of laying her down, he climbed onto the bed, so that she sat on his lap. He sighed and stroked her hair.
“When I was a lad, I blamed m-myself for m-my m-m-m-mum leaving.”
That statement shocked the protest straight out of June. She shifted her body to gaze up at his blue eyes. She saw truth there, and a maturity that comes with making peace with a body’s own personal devils. But underneath it all, she thought she glimpsed vestiges of old hurts and doubts.
“Oh, Magnus!”
“It m-means nothing to me now,” he said, “but you cannot go accusing yourself of things that cannot be helped.”
“But I should’ve…”
“‘I should’ve not cried so m-much as a b-b-bairn. M-maybe it was my stutter. If I only would’ve…’ Thoughts like that are a fungus, lass. They grow roots into your soul and infect it. Do not let them take ahold of you.”
June pushed through her own pain to listen to Magnus’s. “You weren’t to blame. No matter why your mama left, it was her decision.”
“Aye, lass,” Magnus said. “And your nan is in the hospital because of a disease, not because of you. It is fine to feel sad and worried, but you cannot fault yourself. It helps no one, and your nan wouldn’t like it.”
“I’m so scared,” June said as another sob hit her. “What if her mind never comes back? What if she’s trapped in terror?”
Magnus pulled her even closer and rested his chin on the top of her head. “It will not be like that, lass. One doctor said they can give her medicine to calm her fears.”
“What if she’s never my n-n-nana again? What if…?”
Magnus stopped her with a soft, quick kiss. “Och, lass, she’ll always be your nan.”
June reached for him then. Reached for his solidness in a constantly shifting world. Reached for the comfort he could give. Reached for the escape he represented.
Her lips hungrily met his. She didn’t know all she was demanding, but she instinctually knew he could provide it. His mouth opened under her assault as he gave her what she needed.
It was a hot, messy kiss. Lust ripped through June’s already rioting emotions, sending her spinning wildly. She yearned for Magnus’s heat and his strength, craving the explosive power he stirred inside her. It was like a drug that could chase away the pain. She wanted to forget.
Pushing Magnus’s chest to nudge him down on the bed, she reached with her other hand for the buttons on his shirt. She needed to feel him. All of him. The skittish energy that had bounced inside her since she’d walked into her grandmother’s house demanded release. A release only he could give.
Magnus broke their kiss. June let out a frustrated sound, which caused him to groan. “I know, lass. I know. But this isn’t right. You aren’t yourself, and I’ll n-not be t-t-taking advantage.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be myself right now,” June said stubbornly.
That triggered a low chuckle from Magnus. He lay back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows, his shirt halfway unbuttoned. The position further pulled at the fabric, revea
ling his toned chest and just a hint of his six-pack. At the sight, liquid desire pooled inside June. Unfortunately, she didn’t have much time to appreciate the sight before Magnus climbed to his feet. “Get some sleep, lass, and then we’ll see what you want.”
Sweetness stole through June, tempering the maddening passion. She smiled at Magnus as she tried to balance herself after losing all equilibrium. “I didn’t know you were such a gentleman.”
Magnus gave her one of his rare smiles as he lifted her into the air and gently placed her on her feet. “Nay, I am merely an honest crofter.”
“Maybe too honest.”
To her shock, he bent and kissed her forehead. He pulled back, surprise darkening his blue eyes. Before she could comment, he jerked his head in the direction of the bathroom. “Have a bath, lass.”
“Are you saying I smell, Magnus Gray?” she teased, feeling a little more like herself although she missed his touch.
A half smile appeared beneath his neatly trimmed beard. “Warm water soothes all manners of ills, hen, especially after a long day. And you have had several of them all together.”
“I suppose I can’t interest you in accompanying me.” She plucked at the collar of his flannel shirt. Now that he stood, it no longer gaped open, but she could still see a swath of his chest.
Affection glowed in his blue eyes as he ruefully shook his head. “I’m afraid I must say no tonight.”
“Oh well, you can’t blame a girl for trying,” June said. But Magnus was right. A shower would do her good. Although it wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as sex with him, it wouldn’t leave any regrets either. When she and Magnus finally came together, she didn’t want it to be because she needed to forget. She wanted it to be because they both wished to remember.