by Fiona Lowe
The CD finally started playing and her throat tightened as the choir’s voices filled the air. She closed her eyes and Bundallagong moved into the office. She could smell the dust and the salt, see the smiling faces of her staff, visualise the old choir hall and feel the camaraderie of the women. She heard the pride in their voices and she knew how much more than just music the choir meant to its members; how much it had come to mean to her. An aching lethargy came over her, dragging at every muscle like flu. She ached for the connection she’d shared with the women.
You ache for Matt.
And she couldn’t deny it. She pictured him lying in her bed with his arms around her, sitting at the kitchen bench, listening to her talk about her day and offering advice, and laughing as they swung Lochie between them.
But he wanted you to give up something that was vitally important to you. She bit her lips to stop tears spilling. She loved him but, like her father and Steven, he just didn’t love her enough.
Get fresh air and coffee. Coffee will help. She pushed back her chair and left her office, walking across the road to the park and the coffee vendor. Families sat under trees, having picnics, and children on school holidays charged around kicking footballs.
She joined the queue, enjoying the sunshine on her skin after too many weeks of being inside. You saw more of the outside world in Bundallagong.
Yeah, red-dust dirt.
Walker’s Gorge was red dust and dirt but it had a rugged beauty.
‘Poppy, good to see you.’
With a start she pulled her attention away from memories of Bundallagong to the present, and the outstretched hand in front of her. ‘Oh, Alistair, you’re still in Perth?’
She’d met Alistair Roland once, soon after she’d returned, and she’d assumed he’d gone back east. ‘Sorry, obviously you’re here and not in Sydney.’
He laughed. ‘We moved to Perth lock, stock and barrel five months ago. So, how’s the new job and workaholic William treating you?’
She scanned his face, looking for signs of resentment that she’d got the job over him, but all she could see was genuine interest. She thought about the punishing hours. ‘You know, like any new job, it takes a while to get a handle on it.’
‘The surgery’s the easy bit, right?’
She blinked at his insight and relaxed. ‘I have days I want to hide in Theatre and not come out in case there’s another manila folder on my desk.’
He nodded in understanding. ‘You’re lucky you’re single.’
Irritation and sadness buffeted her. ‘Why do you say that?’
A boy ran over. Alistair stretched out his arm and the boy snuggled in against him. ‘Hey, Dad, can I have a strawberry smoothie?’
‘Sure.’
‘Thanks.’ The boy tore off again.
Alistair shook his head, his expression full of affection. ‘That streak was Jake and …’ he pointed to another boy chasing a football ‘… that’s Lucas. My wife Deanna is reading under the tree. They came down to meet me for lunch because I had a cancellation, and that’s the beauty of Perth over Sydney. Lifestyle.’
‘Exactly.’ This was what she and Matt could have had if he’d been prepared to leave Bundallagong. ‘It’s just what I was trying to explain to someone not that long ago and it’s great you’ve been doing this sort of thing since you arrived.’
A light frown creased his forehead. ‘The whole time I was working for William, I hardly saw the boys.’
‘Oh, why was that?’
‘Seriously? You’re working for William as Chief of Surgery and you’re asking me that? How many evenings have you been home since you became Chief?’
None.
But that’s because I want to be busy. Not totally.
Alistair nodded, taking her silence as an answer. ‘Which is why that job defeated the point of us moving here. Deanna’s amazing but she didn’t marry me to become a sole parent and that’s what was happening. I want to be involved in my kids’ lives.’ Passion and love shone on his face. ‘The stress of trying to do the job and be a dad and a husband, well, it was crazy stuff so I pulled out of the running. Only a single surgeon can do that job.’
She stared at him, stunned. ‘Wasn’t it hard to walk away from the sort of job you spent your entire career aiming for?’
He gave a wry smile. ‘You know, I really thought it would be, but at the end of the day I realised you can’t have the one hundred per cent best career and a real family. So I’m not Chief but I get to see my kids most evenings. It’s all about balance.’
If we go to Perth you’ll disappear into that job and it will kill us.
Her gut rolled with nausea and she almost gagged. Alistair Roland with a supportive stay-at-home wife had walked away from the top job to protect his family.
‘Poppy, are you OK?’ Alistair looked concerned.
She tried to rally as her head swirled with thoughts and she managed a sort-of smile. ‘Nothing a coffee won’t fix. So what are you doing job-wise now?’
He moved up with the queue. ‘It’s been a huge step but I’ve gone into private practice and it’s giving me the flexibility with the boys I could never have as Chief of Surgery. Being a parent is one big juggling act and I guess it’s always going to be a work-in-progress but Southgate’s given me operating rights and I’m really hoping you’ll approve my application for City.’
Somehow she managed to nod, give her assurances that she would support his application and then finished the conversation with a promise of meeting his wife at a later date. Somehow her legs carried her back across the park to the reflection room at the hospital. In the cool quiet of the sanctuary, her heart thundered loudly and her stomach sizzled with acid that spilled into her throat.
Give me some credit, Poppy. I know how much time it takes to make a relationship work.
But she hadn’t, she hadn’t given Matt any credit at all. She’d seen his love and care for them as a couple as a direct attack on herself, and had lumped him in with her father and Steven. But Matt was nothing like them. He hadn’t been trying to change her. Not wanting her to take this job hadn’t been lack of support at all. He’d been trying to create the opportunity so they could try and have it all—love, marriage, career and a family. And she’d let her past control her and had completely messed it up.
Her head fell into her hands as everything she’d thought she believed in came crashing down around her. She’d risen to the top of her career ladder in the job of her dreams and she had absolutely nothing else. Five months ago it wouldn’t have mattered that work was all she had, but William was right. She’d changed. Bundallagong had changed her. Matt had changed her. Being Chief of Surgery was no longer enough.
She wanted more.
She wanted Matt.
She’d put her trust in the wrong basket and made the most horrendous mistake of her life. She’d been so deluded, so busy playing the blame game, but it was all her own fault she was alone and miserable—she’d brought it on herself.
So stop whining and do something about it.
For the first time ever, her father’s words actually helped.
She pulled out her phone and hesitated. She might be risking everything for nothing.
Just do it. Deal with any regrets later.
Matt sat contemplatively in the airport lounge at Perth airport. His flight from Apia had been late, making him miss his connection to Bundallagong, and now his only option was to sit out the two hours until the next flight. He texted the new flight details to Sarah, who was now on the Lisa’s Way board, explaining his delay, and then let out a long sigh. The funny thing about travel was that the moment the date for returning arrived, the brain raced ahead and took up residence at home while the body still had to undertake the journey.
Home. He shifted in his chair. He didn’t actually have one.
He’d sold the Bundallagong house fully furnished, as he’d planned to do before he’d proposed to Poppy, and had stowed a few boxes in storage before
heading to Samoa to set up Lisa’s Way. Two months later, with a fantastic young woman on the ground in the village, and the connections in Australia all set up it was time to go back to Bundallagong or even think of working somewhere else.
Perhaps he’d look at the jobs online while he was waiting but first he’d finish up his Lisa’s Way financial report. Using the wireless internet in the lounge, he checked the foundation’s bank balance and saw with pleasant surprise a new and sizeable deposit. He read the transfer note. Stanfield PCFR.
Poppy.
Stunned to see her name, he stared at the cryptic PCFR, trying hard to work out what the other four letters meant. His brain finally clicked in. Perth City Fund Raiser.
His heart beat faster. He couldn’t believe that despite everything, despite how much she’d hurt him and the harsh way they’d parted, Poppy had organised a fundraiser.
Did it mean anything?
His wounded heart said, No. Don’t even go there.
He ordered a coffee and a Danish pastry then turned his attention back to the financial statement and the rows of figures.
‘Here’s your coffee.’
Thinking that being in Perth was really doing his head in because the voice sounded just like Poppy’s, he looked up abruptly. Ice and heat tore through him as his gaze met those unforgettable vivid blue eyes.
‘Hello, Matt.’
She handed him a coffee and he noticed she held a cup, too. A thousand thoughts sprinted though his head but his anger won, coming out as sarcasm. ‘It’s a Wednesday morning. I would have thought you’d be at work.’
She shuddered slightly and he watched the movement roll down her body. Irreconcilable differences. He didn’t regret for a moment that he’d just highlighted the reason they’d parted so acrimoniously. If she thought she could just sit down and ‘chat’ like old friends, she was wrong. Very wrong.
He caught sight of a familiar red suitcase and things fell into place. ‘Ah, it’s conference season.’
‘Here’s your pastry, sir. Sorry for the delay.’ The smiling attendant put down a plate and looked at Poppy. ‘I brought you one as well as a thank-you for helping me out back there with the coffee disaster.’
Poppy smiled warmly. ‘No problem.’
As the attendant walked away, Poppy turned back to Matt, her hand creeping towards the silver P. Half of him wanted to pull her hard against him but the other half demanded he stay cool and aloof so that there was no danger of his heart ever being battered by her again.
‘Can I sit down?’
He shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’
She sank onto the couch and crossed her long legs. ‘Sarah said you’ve been in Samoa.’
Her perfume enveloped him, threatening to take him back to a time when he’d thought they’d be together for ever. He fought the memory by flicking the collar on his shirt. ‘Two months. I’m on my way back to Bundallagong.’
‘How’s Lisa’s Way going?’
He sighed. ‘Poppy, do you really want to make polite chitchat?’
She rolled her lips inwards. ‘I’m enquiring about it because I’m a contributor and a friend.’
‘You’re a contributor.’
She flinched at the harshness in his voice but he didn’t care. Did she really think she could sit there next to him in her tailored black suit and pretend they hadn’t shared anything? Did she think he’d overlook the fact that she’d put a job ahead of everything? A job she’d left him for?
The black heart of his pain spluttered.
She gave a grim smile. ‘Matt, I don’t—’
He held up a hand. ‘I don’t want to argue, either. I don’t think I even want to talk to you. I’m not going to ask you how the job’s going because I’m not interested.’
She breathed in, seeming to hold her breath. ‘I’ve quit.’
Shock made him gape. ‘You’ve what?’ ‘I’ve quit and I have a new job.’ His gaze returned to her red suitcase and he immediately recalled the prestigious job he’d seen advertised soon after she’d left. It carried more kudos than the job she had, and Poppy didn’t like to lose. He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. ‘Ah. St Stephen’s in Sydney. Of course, that makes total sense.’ He couldn’t bring himself to offer congratulations.
‘Ah, no, not St Stephen’s.’ She twisted her hands in her lap in an unusual display of unease. ‘The last decision I made as Chief of Surgery was to appoint a permanent surgeon to meet the needs of the growing population of Bundallagong. I have firsthand experience of how much one is needed.’
Every word she spoke reminded him of what they’d lost and he struggled to sound enthusiastic. ‘Well, that’s good news for the town. Who is it?’
‘I’m the new surgeon in Bundallagong.’
Her words slammed into him and a glimmer of hope sprouted in a sea of pain, but the memory of how much she’d hurt him made it struggle.
Poppy watched Matt, knowing this was the moment of truth, and it petrified her. Everything about him, from the strands of his long hair to the tips of toes shod in leather boat shoes, emanated anger. Had she really been so naive as to think he’d welcome her with open arms?
You hurt him so much. From the moment she’d got Sarah’s text telling her Matt was in the airport lounge, and from the second she’d seen him, she’d wanted to throw her arms around his neck and tell him what a fool she’d been and beg for his forgiveness. But she had to do it this way and now she was dying inside, waiting for him to speak.
He sat perfectly still, his body almost as rigid as a statue, and the only movement was the complex map of emotions on his face, with hurt shining the brightest. When he finally spoke his voice sounded strained.
‘Why?’
She swallowed hard, knowing this conversation was never going to be easy, and tried a touch of levity. ‘Because Bundallagong needs a kick-ass surgeon.’
Not even a hint of a smile hovered on his lips but his eyes sought hers. ‘Is there another reason?’
This time she went for honesty. ‘Yes. I love you.’
A flicker of something flared in his eyes and faded. ‘You once said you loved me but you left me, putting a job ahead of us.’
She swallowed against the lump in her throat. ‘I know and I’m sorry. I got it all horribly wrong.’
‘Yeah, you did.’
His ice-cool voice made her heart hammer hard against her ribs, and she could hear the tremble in her voice but she knew she was fighting for the most important ‘job’ of her life. ‘I was scared. I thought you were trying to make me a different person, just like my father and Steven, trying to make me more like Lisa, and my fear got in the way. I let it screw everything up.’ Her hands twisted together. ‘I now know you weren’t trying to change me. You were making sure we’d make it by creating a wonderful life for us. You saw what I couldn’t see, that being Chief of Surgery would consume me and destroy us.’
His expression gave nothing away. ‘And yet you didn’t believe me. Exactly when did you work this out?’
His quiet but drilling words made her sweat and she pressed her damp palms against her black skirt. Everything she held dear rode on her explanation. ‘I missed you every day like a part of me had been lost.’
His jaw tensed. ‘I find that hard to believe. You didn’t even call.’
The accusation stung but she wore the pain like a badge. ‘I know. I’ve made a mess of everything. When I first came back to Perth I thought I was returning to my life, slipping back into a familiar and secure groove. But it didn’t feel right, and it isn’t a life I want any more.’
She gulped in a breath and pushed on, exposing her heart like she’d never exposed it before. ‘I came to Bundallagong thinking it was a waste of my time, but without me realising, it changed my life. You changed my life. I’d always believed that work kept me safe and gave me everything I needed but then I met you. You opened up my world, showed me that life is to be lived, not hidden from. No job, no matter how much I sacrificed to get i
t, is worth it if I lose you.’
He swallowed hard and his voice wavered. ‘The Poppy I met when she first arrived in Bundallagong would never have admitted she was wrong but I need to ask you one thing. Are you absolutely certain this is what you want?’
She nodded. ‘It’s what I want most in the world. I want to be a surgeon, not an administrator. I want time with friends and girls’ nights out. I want a family, but most of all I want you.’
Extending her hand, she let it hover between them. Trying to hold back tears, she sent up the wish of her life. ‘I know I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, and I know at times I can be difficult and that I’m nothing like Lisa, but I need to ask you one thing. Do you want me?’
Matt’s fingers bypassed her hand and cupped her cheek. ‘Lisa was the love of my boyhood and what we shared will always be part of me but, Poppy, you’re the love of my manhood. You’re my future.’
She fell apart, tears streaming down her face. He pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. ‘I want you because you’re you. Passionate, giving and full of wonderful flaws, just like me.’
She sniffed. ‘I can be stubborn with workaholic tendencies but I’m working on that. I’m going to block out non-work time in the week and stick to it, plus having a new surgical registrar is going to help.’
Surprise lit his face and he grinned. ‘The last chief of surgery at Perth City was very proactive for Bundallagong.’
She laughed. ‘Someone has to look out for rural communities.’
He stroked her hair. ‘I hate shopping and housework and I can’t cook, but I’ll pay Lizzie to keep the freezer full of healthy meals and I’ll grill on the weekends.’
She snuggled in against him, pressing her hand against his heart. ‘Who’s cleaning the house?’
‘Mrs Ferguson.’
‘I can live with that.’
‘And I can’t wait to live with you.’ He smiled, his face radiating love. ‘So you’ll want a year in the job before we start a family?’
Her heart swelled with so much love and adoration that it almost burst. He’d always known work was important to her and he still did, and she couldn’t believe how she’d almost lost him. ‘You’re forgetting I’ve already had three months in the position and with an experienced registrar starting next week I think he’ll be able to fly solo in about nine months.’