Evie felt her own grief mounting inside. The thought of Adam as a little boy, too young to even know the words for the extremes of emotion he must have gone through as he was sent from one family to another, brought stinging tears to her eyes. She blinked them away. Disregarding her own advice, she bit back the sadness, the helplessness she felt inside. Losing control of her emotions would be unprofessional.
But in the end her voice, emerging as a husky whisper, betrayed her. ‘Bottling up feelings isn’t good for anyone.’ She cleared her throat. ‘Thank you, May, for being so honest. I’m starting to get a better picture of your son. I sensed there were things he was holding back, even though he hides his feelings well.’
‘Too well.’ May’s tone was defeated.
Evie distractedly nodded agreement. With Neil pressuring her to insist Adam be more forthcoming with his feelings on camera, his continuing refusal to do so had become a real issue. Finally she had some understanding of why he was the way he was.
Today had turned into a series of disclosures that Evie was beginning to feel uncomfortable with knowing. It wasn’t hard to picture Neil’s reaction to the discoveries. He’d be rubbing his hands in ecstasy—audience sympathy was crucial to the commercial success of any program. But that was hardly the most important consideration here. Even if she had promised her mentor she’d be a team player from now on.
‘I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark in what I’ve told you. But I’ve been so frank because I truly believe you’ve got Adam’s best interests at heart. For that, I thank you.’
The sincerity of May’s words and the look of gratitude on her face quickened Evie’s heart. At last, someone who understood where she was coming from. For the briefest moment, she rode a wave of elation.
Until it dumped her at full force back to earth.
Yes, she honestly did want the best for Adam. And she would do everything she could to ensure he got his happily-ever-after out of all this. And there was absolutely no way she would ever betray May’s confidence. But she also had professional, and personal, obligations to Neil. Those obligations were becoming harder and harder to fulfil, and they played on her mind constantly.
However …
The thought came to her out of the blue: if she could persuade Adam himself to open up about his past, it just might solve everybody’s problem. Just how she’d get him to do it she wasn’t sure yet, but at least she had the beginnings of a plan now.
She allowed herself a small smile of satisfaction as her eyes scanned the scene on the lawn. Cam was interviewing Meg who was, as usual, laughing uproariously. Lily munched on a lamington she held gripped in one hand while holding a fidgety Chrissy hostage with the other. Neil was nowhere to be seen. Adam was deep in conversation with Hope.
As if he felt her eyes upon him, he glanced up and caught her staring. An electric thrill shot down her spine, the connection shaking her to the core, as it always did when they made unexpected eye contact. His gaze penetrated deep inside and in the blink of an eye, every feeling for him she’d fought so hard to suppress came flooding back.
Unable to force her eyes away, she watched him as he wandered over—tall, broad-shouldered, strikingly handsome. The subtly sexy scent of his aftershave wafted over her when he came to stand beside her chair, the wide-legged stance displaying a self-confidence she now knew to be a front. To her surprise, the knowledge didn’t make him any less imposing. A twinge of regret made itself felt and she held back a sigh.
If only things were different …
‘What’ve you two been chatting about?’ Adam asked.
The look on his face was intent and assessing. Evie had to work overtime to compose her features. Was it so evident they’d been discussing him?
‘This and that and none of your business,’ May piped up.
Adam ruffled his mother’s salt-and-pepper hair affectionately. With unexpected agility for someone her age, she ducked her head.
‘I’ve told you not to do that!’ She tried unsuccessfully to look disapproving.
Adam responded by lifting the little woman off her seat, wrapping her up in a mighty bear hug and rocking her back and forth. ‘Yeah. You’ve also told me not to do this, but you and I both know you love it.’ He set her back down in her chair and took a seat himself.
‘Is that what you think?’ Despite the mock severity of her tone, May’s smile across at her son was rich with warmth and love.
He winked at her, his grin mischievous, his dark eyes twinkling. ‘Uh huh.’
Evie watched the interplay with a twinge of envy. The looks passing between them—respect, pride, affection—were everything she’d ever wanted from her relationship with her father.
Adam’s mother tsk-tsked him before continuing. ‘I was just asking this lovely young lady what she thought of you.’
Huh? If the ground could have opened up and swallowed her, Evie would have been eternally grateful. She could feel the blush staining her face and neck, a hot flush of embarrassment.
‘No. No—no. She didn’t … we weren’t—’
‘Just kidding,’ May interrupted, thankfully stopping Evie before she made even more of a gibbering fool of herself.
Adam looked nonplussed.
‘Actually,’ May went on without missing a beat, ‘I was asking how she was enjoying living in your little slice of heaven, out there at the farm.’
Evie had to think quickly. ‘And—and I was saying how unreal it feels to be so far from the real world.’
Adam eyed her oddly. ‘The farm is my real world.’
The remark stopped Evie in her tracks. Why had she not considered that before now? Of course it was his world. And shining in those dark eyes of his was the immense pride he took in his home and the life he’d built for himself. He wouldn’t be who he was anywhere else.
Yet another reason why they were so wrong for one another. She was a city girl. An unexpected wave of homesickness hit her. It was impossible to imagine living anywhere but in the thick of it all, despite the noise and the traffic and the hectic pace of Perth.
‘What I meant was, it’s a whole different life to what I’m used to.’ She glanced at Adam, who now wore a guarded look. ‘Don’t get me wrong. The farm is beautiful. It’s … paradise,’ she assured him. ‘But, personally, I could never live so far from the city.’
* * *
Unable to put names to all the emotions that flooded through him, Adam settled for bewilderment. He’d come to terms with the knowledge that his feelings for Evie were not reciprocated; he’d accepted he had to do the right thing by Chrissy and Meg. And the realisation that Evie would never want to live here—and he’d be lost anywhere else—should have been enough to convince him they were completely wrong for one another.
Somewhere in his crazy, mixed-up head he knew all that, so why couldn’t he make himself believe it?
His mother’s voice cut across his thoughts. ‘You may not have fallen in love with the farm yet, Evie, but give it time. You won’t be able to help yourself.’
‘Mmm. Maybe.’
‘It has a sense of peace. It rubs off on you after a while.’
Looking back and forth between the two women as they chatted about the farm, Adam could see the liking they’d taken to one another. His mother was not won over easily; when it was called for, he’d known her to be scathing in her assessment of others. But she was a good judge of character and Evie was a winner there.
‘Evie! Get over here!’ Floored by Neil’s peremptory tone, Adam glanced up to see the editor’s imperious hand waving her over. ‘Come on. Time to earn your keep.’
Much to Adam’s annoyance, Evie sprang to her feet, mumbled her apologies and headed straight over. The guy had the manners of a—
‘That was rude.’ May’s voice interrupted his thoughts.
‘But typical,’ Adam muttered under his breath.
‘It’s my sight going, not my hearing, love. From your tone I gather not all is sweetness and light on the …
what do you call it? Shooting?’
‘It’s called a shoot, Mum, and everything’s fine,’ he reassured her. ‘Neil Blake’s a pain but we put up with it.’ He didn’t want her worrying over his problems. She had enough of her own, dealing with her deteriorating eyesight.
‘Okay then, let’s cut to the nitty-gritty. Are you enjoying having company? Why am I even asking? Of course you are. What’s it like having every move followed by a camera? How—’
‘Hold on. One question at a time.’
‘Sorry, love, but you need to know the most interesting thing that’s happened round here lately is Lily’s dentures getting stuck in the washing machine.’ Chuckling, she shook her grey head at him. ‘Don’t even ask. Just try to understand, we’re starved for excitement in this neck of the woods.’
‘I wondered why she was keeping her top lip pulled down like that.’
‘Let’s face it, smiling with your two front teeth missing? Not a good look.’
Adam laughed along with her. He treasured everything about his mother: her sense of humour, her optimistic take on the world. Her unfailing devotion to him. He could spend his whole life looking for ways to repay her for what she’d given him, and still come up short. He was a lucky man.
‘Now, you know I love you—’
Oh no. She was about to launch into one of her ‘I love you, but …’ speeches. Suck it up, son. The least you can do is listen, even if you have heard it all before.
‘—but I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick.’
‘What’ve I done now?’ he asked resignedly.
‘It’s what you haven’t done. I had to put Evie straight. She assumed I’m your real mother. Why haven’t you said anything about being fostered?’
Adam froze. Where had that come from? His mother knew how much he resented any references to his past.
‘Don’t look away. I can’t see your face as well as I’d like but I want to try to work out what’s going on in that head of yours. You know being a foster kid is nothing to be ashamed of.’
This was the tack she’d taken all his life—it was nothing to be ashamed of. Problem was, that’s exactly the way he felt. Ashamed. His stomach twisted. He hated himself for feeling that way.
He groped for some reasonable explanation; anything other than the truth. It would only hurt her. ‘Topic never came up. Anyway, to all intents and purposes, you are my mother. Why would I make special mention of it? It’s irrelevant.’
‘It is relevant,’ she fired back.
‘Why?’ he demanded in return.
‘You need to accept your past is what’s helped make you the person you are. A man I couldn’t be more proud of.’
There was a burden in the milky-eyed stare, a silent pressure he had no intention of giving in to. ‘I have no interest in my past. Neither should anyone else.’
She sighed heavily. ‘You need to acknowledge the forces that shaped you. Look, love, you’ve come a long way from the angry, confused little boy who arrived on my doorstep twenty-four years ago. But you’ve still got … things you need to deal with.’
‘What things?’ He could barely suppress his irritation.
‘Things you should get off your chest by talking with someone. It’s important to be honest with yourself,’ she said, her tone now in familiar lecture mode. ‘There’s a part of you Dad and I could never reach, no matter how much love we gave you. And if you intend to try forming a lasting adult relationship with it still locked inside, well, that’s a recipe for failure right there.’ She grabbed his hand, squeezed it for emphasis. ‘I don’t want to see that happen. I love you too much.’
It was pointless arguing against her determination. He gave up with a shrug. ‘I don’t want to argue with you. Let’s talk about something else.’
Why she was making such an issue of it, he had no idea. He only knew he was already so blinded by doubts about himself that exposing any more of his shortcomings was the last thing he needed.
‘There you go, changing the subject. Your constant defence mechanism.’
‘Not true.’ But it was and he knew it, even as he denied it. Evie kept telling him the same thing during their interviews.
May gave him a look he’d been familiar with most of his life; the look that said ‘You seriously expect me to believe that?’ As usual, it had the desired effect—confession.
‘Okay, you got me. But what I really need to know right now is what you think about Chrissy and Meg, and we don’t have much time.’
‘I have no feelings one way or the other about either of them.’
Adam almost laughed aloud at the absurdity of her statement. ‘What does that mean? You always have an opinion. On everything.’
‘It means this is a decision you’ll be making without my input.’
Pursing her lips, his mother pulled her back up straight and crossed her arms on her lap in the eternal default position that so eloquently stated ‘My mind is made up’.
He wasn’t letting her off the hook so easily. ‘Oh, no you don’t. You got me into this. You’re going to help me whether you like it or not.’
‘I’ve said my piece. If you won’t accept my advice about facing up to your issues, anything I say will be useless anyway. Whichever girl you choose won’t stand a hope with you unless you’re willing to confront your demons.’
‘Come on, Mum,’ he cajoled. ‘I can’t make a life decision like this without getting your opinion. You know you’d never forgive me.’
‘When you reach my age you realise some stands are more important to take than others. This is one of those stands. Remember the three Rs?’
‘Respect for myself. Respect for others. Responsibility for my actions.’ Adam repeated the rules automatically. They’d been drilled into him often enough.
‘I’m happy to say you’ve got the middle one down pat. The other two go together. If you don’t have self-respect, you’ll end up regretting having to take responsibility for your actions.’
Having his own mother question his sense of honour rankled. He was losing patience.
‘So you’re saying the choice is up to me, but I shouldn’t make that choice until I move on from some past experience you think I’ve got locked away up here.’ He jabbed a finger at his forehead.
She started shaking her head before he even finished speaking. ‘I know you have locked away. There were too many nights when you woke up screaming and couldn’t be comforted, too many things that completely terrified you.’ There was no mistaking the distress in her voice.
The hairs on his arms lifted at the chilling words. He raised his hands to his ears, desperate to stop hearing what she was saying. Her concern for him was genuine, but the shock of unwanted remembrances forced him to be brusque.
‘Whatever happened in the past stays there.’
It pained him to be so uncompromising with this woman whose protective love had provided him with a safe place to grow up in, who’d always put his needs ahead of her own. But what she was asking would take him to a place his mind did not want to go. He’d fought too long and too hard to drive the dark visions—or were they memories?—to a corner of his consciousness where they could lie unremembered. He’d had to make himself impenetrable. It was the only way to forget the shame.
May slowly stood to leave. The sadness etched into her face reflected his feelings exactly. Heart heavy as an anchor, he rose to his feet too.
‘So that’s it?’ His voice felt tight in his throat. It wasn’t as if he’d made a conscious decision to hurt her. ‘That’s all you have to say?’
‘It’s time for you to graduate from being my boy to being your own man. But please,’ his mother’s voice quavered, ‘think carefully about your decision regarding which girl you choose. Who do you have a connection with? I think you already know the answer. Go with your true feelings.’
His response lay unspoken. Evie.
Warm and vibrant and, like one of his precious pearls, she had a luminous inner beauty that constantly
shone through. When he was around her, his heart pumped twice as hard as normal and it was all he could do to keep his hands off her. He couldn’t put a name to it, but he’d never felt for anyone what he felt for her.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other girls. He enjoyed their company; it had been a long time since he’d felt a woman’s touch, and on the occasions Chrissy had planted her soft mouth on his the sensation had been pleasurable. And Meg was great fun. But there was no spark, no chemistry there. With either of them.
Sadly, Evie wasn’t even in the running. Added to that was the fact she’d just made it abundantly clear living up here was not for her.
He rubbed his hands over his face. Life had never been so confusing. The time was approaching when a crucial decision had to be made. The woman he craved, he couldn’t have; the two women he had to choose between, he had no real feelings for.
He took his mother’s hand to lead her back across the lawn. He had to admit, May was right to make the decision a role he shouldered alone. The inescapable reality was that he had to face up to his responsibilities. What she didn’t know was that, if he went with his gut feeling, he could lose the farm. And there was no way in the world he’d burden her with that.
CHAPTER
12
Broome Hotel
March 20
Evie glanced at her watch. Midnight. She lay in the hotel bed, drinking in the view outside the window—a velvet-black canopy radiant with a million stars. The night skies out here were something else. Immense. Endless. Incredibly clear, with no city lights to compete against nature’s brilliance.
But neither the beauty of the night, nor the crowd sounds emanating from the bar and drifting down the passageway, were why she was still awake. Her mind whirred with everything that had happened during the day, and she was too keyed up to sleep.
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