“I have things to do,” Willow said, quickly adding, “but I guess that’s okay,” when Josie shot her a look.
“Why don’t you take them to the park or something?” Delaney said.
Summer cringed. The idea of Willow taking the kids out of the house sent her into a near-panic again.
“It’ll be fine,” Josie said. “The only one we really have to worry about is Hannah, right? And Sarah’s going to keep a careful eye on her. Like a hawk.”
Sarah smiled, but kept her eyes on Summer. “Like a hawk.”
All the possible disaster scenarios went through her mind, and she started rattling off instructions: “Nate, don’t run in the parking lot. Sarah, hold Hannah’s hand in the parking lot and don’t let her climb on that one ladder thing where she always gets stuck. Make sure Willow doesn’t leave Olivia’s car seat at the park with Olivia in it. Check before you come home that you have your sisters. Both of them. Do a head count. Nate, don’t hang upside down on that green bar. It’s slippery and I don’t want you getting a head injury or breaking your neck. I’ve told you that a million times. Sarah, don’t let him talk to strangers. Well, kid strangers are okay. Be polite. Make sure Hannah says ‘excuse me’ when she’s pushing past people to go on the slide. Make sure she sits down on the slide. Make sure Willow feeds Olivia. There’s breastmilk in the freezer.”
Sarah nodded dutifully and when Summer took a breath to continue, Josie held up a hand. “They’ll be fine, Mama.” Then she rubbed her forehead. “Dios mío.”
Summer felt her throat tightening and her heart rate increasing. Delaney must have noticed the symptoms.
“Deep breaths,” she said, and then she and Josie herded Summer out the front door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Because Derek had taken the backup car and Willow would need the van to take the kids to the park—and lose them, Winter whispered—Josie drove Summer to the hospital. Thanks to Josie’s company, Summer made it all the way there without having a meltdown. The sliding doors whooshed open as Summer approached, but instead of walking in, Summer sat down on one of the benches outside. She dropped her head into her hands, but didn’t cry.
For the first time in years, she wanted to run away from her life. She loved her children. She loved Derek. And she loved Josie and Delaney. But right now, it all felt like too much. She couldn’t bear it.
What if she got on a train and rode it east, all the way to Florida? She could start over, alone, and live a stress-free life as a graphic designer on the beach. Or what if she hopped on a plane and went north, to Canada? No one would think to look for her there.
Derek was a catch. She was sure that if she disappeared, he could snag a new wife. Although it was unlikely any woman would walk into a marriage with a guy who had five children and a recently disappeared wife. He’d be alone and lonely for the rest of his life.
But if she was in Florida or Canada, maybe she would stop caring, eventually.
What would he tell the kids?
“Sorry, guys. Your mom had a major meltdown. It’s not you, it’s her. Nevertheless, she’s not coming back.”
She imagined their faces. Sarah would be so stoic. She would try to understand, the little adult she was.
Oh, God. I’m ruining her. She is a little adult.
Nate would become angry, kicking at the carpet, throwing toys at the wall. Luke would cry, his elfin face distorting. Hannah would wander the house, repeating, “Mama?” over and over again until one of her older siblings (Luke, probably) told her to be quiet. Olivia would never know the difference.
Her tiny baby wouldn’t even know her, which might actually be a positive.
And she’d be sitting in some coffee shop drinking caffeinated lattes, her laptop to keep her company. When was the last time she’d had a caffeinated latte? Some good-looking young man would approach her, strike up a conversation about the weather, and then ask for her number. She’d say, “Oh, I couldn’t, I’m marr—” but then she’d look at her bare ring finger and laugh before he entered her digits into his phone.
The vision of her new life was becoming so real that for a moment Summer could hear the hiss of an espresso machine. In that one fraction of a second, she experienced a yearning so deep she wanted to cry. When she realized the sound actually came from the hospital doors opening, she chided herself for getting carried away.
At that moment, a handsome, muscly man with a nice glaze of stubble across his chin walked out of the hospital. What would it be like to start all over with a man? She always thought she’d dread it. How awkward, having someone other than her husband see her naked.
But at this moment, she imagined the sexy hospital guy, not knowing she had children, viewing her body as if it were brand new, not wrecked by years of pregnancy and nursing. At this, she laughed. Her breasts hung like pancakes off her torso, and the skin around her middle was loose, like an elephant’s. Dead giveaways. Okay, so in her fantasy runaway life she wouldn’t have a boyfriend. Maybe she could just do booty calls with Derek. Or maybe she wouldn’t even need sex. They made such effective toys these days.
Her imagination brought her back to the coffee shop. She’d sit there, all day, without anywhere else to go or anyone else for whom to be responsible. No book orders to fill out or spirit days to find outfits for. No evening soccer practices or reading twenty minutes per night. Most importantly, no bone-deep worry about little tiny people whom she couldn’t keep safe on her own. No watching every rise and fall of a chest, petrified, waiting for it to stop. No imagining finding one of her children’s dead bodies in bed one morning, stone cold.
Just Summer.
She leaned her head back against the bench and sighed. Her eyes closed, she could feel the edges of sleep sliding over her.
She shook herself. “Get up, woman,” she said aloud, then opened her eyes and looked around to make sure no one had heard her. She was alone. She stood up, steeled herself, and walked through the doors to the hospital to join her son and her husband ... and her real life.
***
Despite having been up all night, Luke looked much better than he had the last time Summer saw him. The red spots on his cheeks had gone back down to a healthy rosy color, and his eyes looked clear. He grinned when he saw her, and all her visions of living a solitary life, drinking caffeine and flirting with single men, slipped away.
“Mom! I got to eat Jell-O for breakfast! All that red dye and sugar, first thing in the morning!”
Summer did a mock groan, and they both laughed. She sat on the edge of the bed and leaned forward to hug him.
“You feel normal,” she said.
“I’m totally not normal. This illness has made me a machine. I’m a machine, mom. I’ll be showing you my superpowers soon.”
“I can’t wait. Where’s Dad?”
“He went downstairs to get coffee. He’ll be right back.”
“How are you feeling? Besides super, of course.”
“I feel way better,” Luke said. He wrinkled his nose. “Except for this, like, super feeling. It’s tingly.”
A nurse pushed the curtain back and came into the room, all smiles. “You’ve got a superhero for a son,” she said to Summer.
Summer tousled his hair. “He just told me.”
“I’m Tammy.” She reached down and gently pinched Luke’s toe under the sheet. “I’ll be taking care of this guy today. I’ve got to take him for some scans. You can come along, or you can wait here.”
Summer looked at Luke. “I’m fine, Mom, if you want to wait here for Dad.”
Summer nodded and Tammy helped Luke into a wheelchair and wheeled him away. Summer sat down on one of the mauve chairs near the bed and Derek returned almost right away.
“You look surprised to see me,” she said.
“I didn’t think you’d leave the kids with your mom.” He bent down to kiss her.
“Willow,” she said.
“I didn’t think you’d leave the kids with Willow.”
/>
“Josie and Delaney made me.”
“They’ll be fine,” he said.
“I’ve heard that before,” Summer said.
“Aren’t we missing someone?” Derek said.
“Tammy took him up for scans. I was just waiting for you to get back. Let’s go meet them.”
***
Summer and Derek were the only two in the elevator. For the first time in her life, Summer felt claustrophobic, and struggled to inhale the warm, thick air. A few yoga breaths seemed to help, but her heart still raced. She tried for a change of focus.
“Derek?”
“Hmm?”
She to the time to really look at him, and she noticed his red, puffy eyes and the way his hair stuck up at odd angles. She leaned toward him and kissed him on the cheek, which was just as scruffy (and sexy) as the cheek belonging to the guy who’d emerged from the hospital a few moments ago.
“Do you ever imagine just leaving this life? Like, going to Florida or something and sitting in a coffee shop?”
Derek laughed. “Not anymore. I did when I was younger, though, when we first had Sarah and she cried all the time. I thought, ‘I could learn how to surf. I could drink coffee on the beach. Every day.’”
Summer smiled. “But not lately?”
“No, not lately. I think I’ve settled into my role as husband and father pretty well, don’t you?”
“Yes! I wasn’t talking about you, really. I was thinking about myself.”
“Is this one of those, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ conversations? Because if it is, those are always a lie.”
She laughed. “No! It’s not.”
“Do you ever wish you could leave this life?” he said.
She didn’t want to admit it. He’d feel bad. He’d feel guilty, like he wasn’t providing well enough, or taking good enough care of her. The elevator stopped with a jerk, and the doors slid open before she had a chance to answer.
“It’s to the right,” she said instead.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Luke’s scans came back normal. The doctors weren’t sure whether he’d gotten an infection or some kind of bacterial illness, but the antibiotics killed it off. Still, they wanted to keep him for one more night, and Luke seemed perfectly content, so Summer headed home to be with the other kids.
Derek instructed her to stop for a caffeinated latte (“The kids will be fine for an extra half-hour,” he said, “and a little caffeine won’t hurt Olivia. You don’t do it all the time.”), so she did.
At Ground Up, she immersed herself back into that imaginary life. Although she automatically sought a table with a bunch of chairs, she felt giddy when she realized she didn’t need one. Instead, she chose a luxurious arm chair in the corner of the coffee shop, away from everything else.
In that dimly lit corner, she sipped her coffee and visualized the beach. She could hear the ocean’s waves coming up onto the shore, and seagulls calling as they circled above. The breeze smelled salty and felt heavenly on her skin.
How long could she sit at the beach? Hours, probably. Days, maybe. She could sleep on this imaginary beach, feeling the heat of the sun move over her face as it arced through the sky.
“Excuse me, ma’am. Are you okay?”
Summer blinked, bringing herself back to reality, almost surprised to find herself still in Juniper. The woman who’d brought her out of her daydream was a young mother, balancing a little boy on her hip, a to-go cup in one hand and a bakery bag in the other. Her son, who was probably about one-and-a-half, repeatedly banged a set of plastic keys on the lid of the cup.
“I’m fine, thanks,” Summer said. “Just taking a little break from reality.”
The baby let out a holler and nearly smacked his mother’s coffee cup out of her hand. She winced.
“This is just the beginning, sweetheart,” Summer said. “I have five of them at home.”
Her tone said, “You’re doomed,” even though she usually tried to sound upbeat when she spoke to young mothers who still thought motherhood was full of promise.
“Wow,” the woman said. “I don’t know how you do it. You must have your hands full.”
“Yep. I do.”
The woman’s face seemed to say it was no wonder Summer needed a break from reality. Her voice said, “Well, have a nice day.”
“Thanks,” Summer said. “You too.”
The break was over.
Summer, feeling somewhat refreshed, decided she’d better head home. She relished the sense of calm her visualization had given her, because she didn’t yet realize that reality was going to come crashing down harder than she expected.
***
The house was empty. The clock was ticking. Not even the dog greeted her. Summer could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She could feel it in her fingertips. She could even see it, tiny black lines pulsing across her vision. She’d been gone for hours. Willow should have the kids home by now. It was past lunch time. Well past lunch time.
Where were they?
“Willow?”
No answer.
She walked through the house, checking the bedrooms, the closets, the bathrooms. She opened shower curtains, checked under desk chairs. Maybe the kids were playing hide and seek. They always thought that was so funny.
“Sarah?”
Sarah wouldn’t be hiding. She was too old, far too mature, for that.
Maybe they were outside.
Summer sensed her legs moving too fast, although she could barely feel anything below her knees. Just as she reached the sliding glass door, she pitched forward, her upper body having caught up just as her legs slowed down to stop.
Her palms smacked the door. It stung, but it pulled her out of her panicked state long enough for her to unlock the door and then realize that if she were unlocking the door, no one was outside.
Still, she scanned the backyard, then scoured it.
Nothing.
Where was her family?
Willow had probably lost Hannah. That was the only possible explanation. Otherwise, why hadn’t she come back? She had probably forced Sarah and Nate to search the park, just as Summer was now searching the house. Hannah, undoubtedly, was walking right into the street, across that stupid little sidewalk that was supposed to serve as a divider between the playground and the parking lot.
Not all the cars had backup cameras or even sensors. Come to think of it, Hannah was probably dead. Run over. Laying on the asphalt.
Summer could only hope she had just run off.
“Oh, my God,” she said.
Her feet tingled. Her hands tingled. Her entire body shook. Summer had passed out only once during her entire life. She had gone with Summer and Delaney to an amusement park and Josie, had talked them into riding the biggest roller coaster in the world.
They stood at the turnstile, waiting to go into the serpentine line. Summer was terrified. Her hands tingled, her feet tingled, her heart raced.
“This is a one-time opportunity,” Josie had said, her big brown eyes boring into Summer’s, her hand tight on Summer’s wrist. Delaney was on the fence and Summer was the deciding factor. The pressure. Summer could barely stand it. Both Josie and Delaney stared at her expectantly.
She took a deep breath, clenched her fists, and nodded. “Okay,” she said. “Okay.”
They got in line. They inched forward, toward the platform and away from it. Summer became increasingly scared, and increasingly shaky.
It was their turn. Summer stepped onto the platform. She walked toward the empty seat, Josie in front of her and Delaney behind her. She looked at the harness, a huge black metal monstrosity that would go over her shoulders and hold her in place, and her breath came even faster.
One more step, and she felt a split second of overwhelming dizziness.
I’m passing out, she thought.
She woke up to a view of the sky, its edges impeded by the faces of Delaney, Josie and the ride operator, a kid with a huge blond afro. All th
ree of them peered down at her as she blinked herself back into consciousness. She had the strange sensation that someone else was breathing for her. Her lungs inhaled and exhaled on their own, machine-like.
They didn’t ride the roller coaster that day, and Josie later admitted it wasn’t the biggest one in the world. She’d only said it was to inspire the girls to ride it with her.
***
Present day Summer felt the warning signs.
Not only were her hands and feet tingling, but she also sensed the whole world spinning around her. A different version of herself perched up near the ceiling, watching the entire scene unfold, watching her run frantically around the empty house. She wondered if that version of herself found this mildly amusing.
“Nate!”
Sarah might not hide, but Nate certainly would. Although, her mind reminded her, he wouldn’t be here alone.
No one was here.
Hannah wandering into the parking lot wasn’t the worst of it. What if some child molester—the guy who drove the ice cream truck—what if he had Sarah in his greasy clutches? The experts said you weren’t really supposed to teach your kids stranger danger anymore, that it’s usually someone who knows them.
Had Summer taught Sarah the right things? Would Sarah know not to follow him away from the playground even if he offered her free ice cream or said he had lost his puppy or kitten?
And what about Nate? Summer scoured her memory for the conversations she should have had with them. Nothing.
She stood in the middle of the living room, the whole house now spinning around her as if it were a globe and she were the axis.
The edges of her vision went black. She noticed too late that she was standing right next to the coffee table.
She passed out, her last thought before her head hit the corner of the coffee table with a horrible thunk, Now how will I help them? My children are doomed and it’s all my fault.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
The Motherhood Intervention: Book 3 in the Intervention Series Page 20