by AnonYMous
My bags were packed before I knew it and Ben drove me to the airport. I went online as we drove and booked a one-way ticket on the next available flight to Sydney. One way, because I didn’t know when I would be returning.
I wondered if I should call Zara while I waited for my flight, but didn’t really think there was any point. What could I say to make things better? I called Lili, but only reached her voicemail. No doubt she was organising to make her long journey home as well. I left a silly message and hoped it would make her smile.
I thought about Edward but was very worried about Lori, so I decided instead to message his mobile phone instead. I wrote that my sister was unwell and that I was flying back to Sydney to take care of her.
We flew through the dark evening sky and I fell asleep looking down at the disappearing lights with Evanescence’s Bring Me to Life playing through my earphones.
My sleep was intermittent and my dreams scattered.
Lori. Edward. Tomas.
Tomas
It was the middle of spring and I had jogged to the North Sydney Council to pick up my renewed car registration.
Although I didn’t know it, it was your green BMW bike that caught my eye because the colour was my favourite and it was shimmering in the sunlight. As I started to cross the driveway I forgot to look to my right but the sound of your bike engine stopped me running. You had seen me.
For some unknown reason I stood and watched as you parked the bike and took off your helmet.
And there you were right in front of me, and my heart skipped a beat. I released a long sigh, a calming technique I had been taught in yoga, and waved to you with small movements in my fingertips. I felt as if I was melting from the heat in the ground beneath my feet, and from seeing you.
You ran to me and I stood still, afraid that if I fell you wouldn’t be able to catch me, again.
Your words were rushed. You said you had broken off your engagement soon after seeing me two years prior. You had come back to the apartment a few weeks later and had knocked on my door, but when I didn’t answer, you peeked through the window on the garden side and saw that the apartment was empty. You didn’t know that I had needed to vacate, because I couldn’t get the scene of you and me together in that place out of my head.
You took me back to your apartment in Kirribilli and there was no stopping the physical want. We breathed a renewed rhythm into our old so-often-played melody while listening to the slow groove of Vandross in the background. I was twenty-three and you were twenty-four yet I felt at that very moment that we had spent a lifetime together.
Afterwards, you got up and disappeared into the other room, returning with a tiny box and asked me to open it. Inside was a gold butterfly designed as a hair clip. You took it out of the box and clipped my hair back from the side of my face.
I wanted to tell you then about Ezra, but it was the wrong moment.
And three days later you died.
Three days, Tomas, was also the time it took for Ezra to be taken from my arms and placed into someone else’s world.
The boundaries that divided our worlds back then had forced us along different paths, which only crossed those few times in our lives. But I will forever treasure them.
In the first couple of years that followed, whenever I went running, you always walked across my sky.
The plane landed heavily and I woke with a start. Yesterday seemed a long time ago, and now that I was here it was time to take care of Lori and forget about my own situation.
As I walked out into the arrivals hall, Zara was holding a bunch of tulips, which were almost crushed in our hug. Her eyes had dark circles beneath and her skin was tight around her mouth. She took my hand and walked us out of the terminal and into Sydney’s harsh sunlight.
We went straight to the hospital and I was shaken by how tiny my sister looked in the hospital bed. Her body was hooked up to a number of machines that were beeping; the sounds were cold and robotic. I stroked her forehead and her skin felt thin and fragile. We sat and watched Lori as she struggled to breathe through the tubes connected to her nose and mouth.
Our parents arrived and my father looked older. I held his hug as if I was going to lose him if I let go.
Zara handed me her mobile and I heard Lili on the other end. She was in Dubai waiting for her connection and sounded very worried and alone. I tried to calm her by making a joke and, even though she laughed, we both knew our sister’s situation was far from humorous.
The nurses gently let us know that it was time to leave so Lori could rest for the night. My father drove us back to their house and the four of us ate without appetite and without conversation.
Dad looked grey as he stood and let us know he was going to bed. He was so exhausted he left the room without kissing us goodnight. I saw Zara’s sadness and asked if she was okay.
‘I’ll tell you tomorrow, Eve. I don’t have any energy to talk. We’ll have a better chat tomorrow. Night, darling.’
I was relieved, as I, too, couldn’t face talking about anything outside of my family’s circle of love, but then again I didn’t know if I could face what was happening inside the circle either.
Papa was making a pot of coffee when I wandered into the kitchen at 6.30 in the morning. Zara was sitting with her feet tucked up underneath her, reading yesterday’s newspapers.
I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat with Zara. ‘How’s Sergei? I can’t wait to see him.’
Zara looked quickly at Dad, who was oblivious to everything going on around him, before she said very quietly, ‘I think I might be losing Sergei to someone else.’
I was about to ask ‘To whom?’ but the telephone rang and Mama walked in and picked up the phone. We heard her say, ‘Thank you, thank you very much for letting me know.’
Zara and I stood up as Mum smiled across to Dad. ‘That was the hospital. Lori is showing some positive signs. She is still in a coma but they’re talking about bringing her out of it in the next few days.’
I hugged Zara who was also endeavouring to smile.
‘What time does Lili arrive?’ I asked.
‘She lands at 1.30 p.m. That’s if Turkish Airlines is on time, of course. I didn’t even know they flew to Australia.’
We spent the day at the hospital and at one point the nurses asked Zara and me to take a break while they redressed Lori’s bandages. We sat in the cafe and I asked Zara about Sergei. ‘Who are you losing him to?’
‘Someone I have suspected for a long time. Did Lili ever tell you about that time in the gym when she saw a woman, and the feeling that she got?’
‘Yes, she emailed me about it. But really? Sergei is so in love with you.’
‘Yes really. There is so much more to tell you, but it’ll have to wait until later. Come on, we need to get back to Lori.’
That afternoon we picked Lili up from the airport and drove straight to hospital, updating her on Lori’s progress—or lack of it—on the way. As we walked into ICU, Zara said she would wait in the cafe downstairs because they didn’t allow more than two visitors in the room. One of the nurses overheard and said that they would allow the three of us to be in the room together, just this once.
Mum and Dad arrived a little later and we told Lili she needed to go home, unpack and rest. She left with Zara while I stayed with my parents in the ward and watched them watch Lori. I could see the desperation in their eyes. Desperate for her to wake up. Desperate for their daughter to come home.
The same desperation was visible in Lili’s eyes that evening. Mum and Dad had gone to bed, and she and I sat outside with a glass of wine while she told me about Will, the spy software and Slutski. It was a brief respite from our present situation and we laughed about the emails, and the brilliance of the ‘set-up’.
I told her briefly about Henry and Chrystal, about Henry’s medical report, and about the copy of Henry’s email file on my memory stick. I giggled a little as I revealed that I had sent a copy of his medical report and hi
s cruel email to me to every female he had on his business contact list, purportedly from him of course. I had also cc-d the lot to Chrystal and sent a copy to Henry’s personal email address. Lili was suitably impressed, and we chuckled at our retributive justice and how much Will and Henry had deserved being the beneficiaries of our mischief-making.
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about Edward, as it would force me to take a closer look at what I was doing, and why, so I closed the conversation with a kiss on her forehead and told her I needed to sleep.
I stretched my body out on the bed in the small spare room. I loved this room at my parents’ house as there was a long window opposite the bed through which I could watch the blinking light from the lighthouse on the cliff face at the end of the beach.
I was thinking about Lori in the ICU ward when without warning my nightmare came back again . . .
Tomas
I didn’t return to work that afternoon when you reappeared in my life outside North Sydney Council. We spent the rest of the afternoon in bed instead.
Later, you told me you had football practice but would only be gone for a few hours. You said you didn’t want to leave, and I didn’t want you to leave either.
A noise woke me up much later that night and I found you sitting at the kitchen table with an ice pack around your shoulders. I sat on your knee, stroking the top of your head; you told me you had been tackled head-high and had fallen awkwardly. Because you said you had no memory of what happened directly after that, I reached for the phone while holding your head close to mine to check your pupils. Immediately you placed your hand over mine and took the phone from me and placed it back on its cradle.
You kissed my ear and said, ‘Don’t worry, baby, I saw a doctor in the club afterwards and he told me I need to take it easy. So let’s take it easy and go to bed, instead!’
I tried to stop you two days later, but you told me you felt perfectly fine and were excited to be playing the last club game for the year. You didn’t know it would be the last football match of your life. We kissed and I watched the sun fall on a blond wisp of hair across your forehead. Our eyes locked together as we said goodbye.
You were prone to concussion, I was told later, and head injuries, especially accumulative head injuries, will eventually take their toll. Apparently the kick to your head on that last Saturday afternoon, coupled with the head-high tackle two days before that, proved to be the deadly game changer.
By the time I heard about the accident on the Saturday evening, you were already in a coma.
And you never regained consciousness.
Lori did regain consciousness, eventually. Her gradual steps towards us were her tiptoes back into our lives and we watched her every move with relief. When her eyes opened, it was a blessing to us—a corner turned.
With her awake, we could now pretend that everything was fine, even though we knew there was a long path ahead—in all of our lives. The time had come for me to journey back to China.
Sitting in the business centre at Sydney Airport I tried to distract myself by looking at news bulletins on the internet. It was another hour before my flight back to Shanghai was due to take off, so I logged in to gmail and sent a message to Edward, asking if he was going to be around on the weekend. I missed him and realised how quickly my life had taken yet another path since I met him.
Lori’s accident had also taken us on a path to recovery—and even though I knew it would be a slow process, it was obvious that her accident would gradually fill the years of disconnect between her and us three sisters. I also knew that I needed to visit Sydney more frequently to ensure she was fully aware that we were all here for her, and for our parents as well.
I added to Edward’s message that I would be back in Shanghai the following evening and asked him to call me around that time. I thought it would be great to meet up with him in Hong Kong for a couple of days and hoped that he didn’t have anything planned.
Ben was away on an assignment for a few days when I arrived home. I unpacked and was preparing dinner when my mobile rang. I flicked my hair back as I answered, not looking to see who it was as I knew it would be Edward.
However, the voice was unfamiliar on the other end. ‘Hello, is that Eve? Is that Ezra’s mother, Eve?’
‘Yes. Yes, it’s Eve. Who is this?’
‘My name is Sophia. I’m Ezra’s wife.’
I gasped for air. Ezra’s wife? I didn’t even know he was married, I thought wildly. Of course I didn’t know—I haven’t spoken to him for an age. Why is his wife calling me, and why isn’t he?
All of a sudden the adrenalin kicked in and I was fully alert. There was silence and I thought I heard a sob before Sophia said, ‘I’m so sorry to have to tell you this on the phone, but I didn’t know how to do it any other way. I’m just so sorry . . .’ Her voice broke.
I froze and instinctively placed my hand over my heart and clasped the phone so hard in my other hand I thought I was going to crush it.
Sophia continued in a faltering whisper between sobs. ‘Ezra died in a bike accident two days ago. I have only just found your number on his phone. I never knew he had it. I mean, he told me about you, a little, I knew your name, but I didn’t know he had your number . . .’ Her words tumbled out. ‘I’m sorry . . . we’ve been married for six years, and you didn’t know . . . I wish you had. Even though our marriage has been strained of late, he is . . . was . . . my heart.’ She stopped talking then and cried uncontrollably for a few moments. ‘Sorry, sorry . . . I am so very very sorry, Eve, to have to share this terrible news this way . . .’
Nothing happened for a second and then my heart stopped beating regularly. My body began to shake involuntarily and a wave of nausea made me fall to my knees. I dropped the phone.
A black bird landed on the windowsill and I gazed at its enormous beak. It looked back almost intently at me before opening its wings to dry off the rain that had soaked them.
I saw the crucifix it represented.
I stood up slowly and walked through to the bedroom and sat on the bed. I didn’t want to breathe in case I was swept away into a void. I blinked and two heavy tears flowed down my cheeks and dropped to my chest. I grabbed the pillow and held it tight against my face, against my fright.
Sometime later I picked up the mobile phone from the floor. There was a missed call from Edward. ‘Well timed,’ I thought blankly. It would be too hard to call him back and explain about Ezra and what had happened. My head felt light and I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes.
The sadness crept into my heart silently, remaining still like frozen ice. Waiting for its time to crack and seep through my body, breaking it down with the severity that only grief can.
To nought.
There was a bell tolling in the background, a kind of time-keeper. I drifted back to consciousness and realised it was my phone. I looked at the screen and didn’t recognise the number. I answered because I realised that I needed to let the outside in, even if it was from someone that I didn’t know.
It was Sophia. She let me know the details for the funeral. That was it, really. I knew I wouldn’t remember so I gave her my email address for her to send me everything I needed to know.
It was a brief conversation. Even though we both knew there was so much more to say, neither of us could bear to go there.
The trip to Hong Kong for Ezra’s funeral was without consequence. Without consequence because I was unaware of anything except Emma and Ben. My darling friends who had booked my ticket, packed for me, dressed me for the trip, and sat on either side of me on the plane as my protectors.
I was in a fog in the departure lounge but somehow logged on to gmail and sent Edward a brief message to say I would be out of contact for a little while. It didn’t seem important to say why. But what was important was that I kept in contact, as my feelings for him were starting to grow into something deeper. Our connection had started to peel my layers back a little and, if I was true to myself, I wa
nted to get to know him more, get a little closer.
But right now, I didn’t want to be close to anyone.
For the service I dressed carefully, selecting a black silk suit with a cream lace camisole and cream-and-black shoes. Emma brushed and pinned my hair into a loose bun with my gold butterfly clip and I found some drop-heart earrings which I threaded through my ears.
At some time, while all this was going on, I found myself staring at a little white tablet that had suddenly appeared in my hand. I looked at Emma who explained it was Valium. ‘It’s okay, it will soften the reality a little and keep you calm.’ She handed me a glass of water, and I put the tablet on my tongue and washed it down with the water.
‘How long does it last for, Em? Will it get me through the day?’ I was shaking and had to sit down quickly on the kitchen stool in the hotel apartment.
Nothing seemed real. This was the day my son would be buried. This was the day I would meet Sophia for the first time. This was the day I didn’t want to be alive for.
The cathedral was stark in its beauty. I held Emma’s hand tightly and leaned into Ben’s right side, his arm around my waist as the three of us walked through the entrance and turned left into the west wing.
A striking woman walked towards me and I realised it must be Sophia. We embraced and I kissed her on the cheek, introducing myself. Sophia took my hand and we walked to the front pew with Emma and Ben. We sat. I felt incapacitated and heavy beneath a black weight.
My body was numbed from the Valium that Emma had given me and the sunglasses, thankfully, made everything dark. I sat with my eyes closed throughout the entire service listening, but not listening.
When we arrived at Sophia’s house, Ezra’s house, my heart was beating fast and my vision was impaired. Their garden was a mass of wildflowers and I saw a waterfall to the left. There was a fishpond full of goldfish and waterlilies. And there were butterflies, everywhere.
Sophia was talking to people at the top of the stairs when we approached. She walked down the three stone steps to take my hand, and together we walked up the steps and into their house. She guided me into the bedroom that she had shared with Ezra.