by Len Webster
“Please let me explain the article,” he begged as he stepped toward her, but she shook her head. She wanted space. She couldn’t allow him to touch her and allow his fingertips to coerce her into forgiveness.
Alex swallowed back her fears and mustered the strength to hear the truth. “Explain to me what, Landon? That I’m so toxic to your image that you have to lie about us? That you lied about being in a relationship with me?”
“It’s …” His voice was low.
“It’s what? Because right now, my boyfriend is telling me that his image matters more than I do. I love you, Landon. I screamed that I did outside that frat house. I would never do what you did to me. I would never hurt you the way you did with that article and by calling me that name. You’re supposed to love me.”
He went to her, closing the distance, and this time, Alex didn’t stop him. She needed his touch. His desperation. She needed to know he still loved her. Landon set his palms to the base of her neck. “Alex, baby, I do love you. You’re drunk.”
No.
Her heart plummeted from her chest because she wasn’t. She had sobered up during her walk back to her dorm.
“Stop it!” she demanded, placing her palms against his chest and pushing him from her. “Just stop, Landon. Just tell me why you have to protect your image from me. I’m your girlfriend.”
“Okay,” he said in defeat.
Landon clenched his eyes tightly shut for a moment before he let out a sigh and squared his shoulders. “My image … I have to protect it. I’m going to be an NBA player, Alex. I have so much interest in me, and I can make it. I know I can. But you’re …” He paused as his face contort with pain. “I can’t have a girlfriend who …”
“Who is close to the Red Sox?”
It couldn’t be that.
A nagging voice in her head shouted reasons. So many reasons why he couldn’t have a girlfriend like Alex. But she refused to believe them. He loved her. She loved him. It couldn’t be any of them. Not after everything.
“No.”
Alex shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
His eyes glazed over with tears. “Alex, they told me that you’re … well, you’re not the typical girlfriend an NBA draft prospect has.”
She winced. “W-what?”
Landon reached for her, and she let him. His touch already felt so foreign to her as he cupped her jaw. His sad blue gaze on her. He blinked and freed his tears. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. Against her better judgment, she raised her hand and brushed them from his cheek with her fingertips. His hand left her jaw and covered hers to stop her from pulling away.
“I met this sports agent in California who represents so many NBA players. He was discreet, but he’s interested in me and said I had a long future in the NBA.” His thumb brushed her knuckles. She was happy for him. He was close to achieving his dreams. But his good news had that hint of guilt to it. “But he did say that being in a relationship with you could jeopardize my image.”
My image would jeopardize his.
She felt her tears skim down her cheeks. “I didn’t ask to be Little Miss Red Sox. I swear, I didn’t want to be her,” she cried.
“I know,” he whispered. “But it’s not just being Little Miss Red Sox, Alex.”
“It’s not?”
He shook his head. “You’re just too smart for me.”
Alex stepped back, breaking his hold on her. “What?”
“You might overshadow me. You’ll graduate with a science degree. You want to go to MIT. How many draft prospects have you seen that have girlfriends like you? And then you’re linked with the Red Sox … You’re already famous. And that article about you—”
“Stop talking,” Alex found herself shouting.
Splinters.
Each word he said was a splinter that lodged deep into her heart, making it hard for it to beat. Hard for it to breathe life into her veins.
“Alex—”
“I’m not right for you,” she stated.
Landon opened his mouth and then quickly shut it. He let out a loud sigh before saying, “Not according to that sports agent.”
He had listened to others and let her fabricated image influence him.
Alex wasn’t Little Miss Red Sox. She hadn’t been when she was with him. She had all but turned her back on the Red Sox and Boston for him.
“And what about according to you?” she asked. “Do you agree?”
Landon was silent. He appeared torn as he glanced around the dorm room she shared with Savannah. The dorm room where they had spent many nights together. His eyes fell to the bed they had laid in, laughed in, made love in.
Finally, he said, “I think you’re going to do some amazing things in science, Alex. And if you’re with me, being some dumb basketball player’s girlfriend, you’ll never achieve your dreams. Your next step in life isn’t following me to whatever team I play for. It’s going back to Boston and finally going to MIT.”
He left her breathless. The pain was too much as he became a glassy blur because of her tears. Her heart wept, knowing what he was saying.
She wiped her tears from her face, staring up at him as his own tears fell. “You’re …?”
His lip trembled as realization swept his face. “I … I guess I am.”
“You guess, or you are?”
Landon’s lips pressed into a tight line. He was hesitant.
She saw it all in his posture.
He was the strong captain of the Duke’s Blue Devils basketball team. But in front of her, she watched him cower. She saw him weak and in pain. She saw him at his most vulnerable.
They stripped each other raw as they stared at each other.
Heartbeat after grueling heartbeat. Her shaky breaths mirrored his as seconds came and went. They grew older in those seconds. They fell apart when those seconds turned into long minutes.
Alex watched as her boyfriend’s eyes swept the room, coming to a stop at the small MIT flag her father had given to her at Christmas. It was a small gesture that meant so much to her. Her parents believed in her dreams. And right now, one dream was on the verge of obliteration.
Landon’s eyes found hers, and she saw it all.
His love.
His pain.
The truth between them and this moment.
“I am,” he finally confirmed.
The end of us.
It stopped hurting. That ache in her chest became numb. She felt nothing but emptiness at his confirmation. But she needed more.
She deserved more.
“Say it, Landon,” she demanded, rage heating her skin and causing her throat to tighten. “End us properly. I, at least, deserve that from you. Our relationship deserves that.”
He nodded and inhaled a shaky breath. “Alex, I love you. I do. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. But I want you to have your dreams. And for the past few weeks, I wanted to achieve mine. I’ve spent hours upon hours thinking about how much our dreams differ. I know what you’ve wanted for some time, and I’ve wanted it, too. I want the Celtics for you. To be with you. Because I want you to go to MIT. That’s what’s next for you.” He grasped her hand, and Alex allowed him to take it. His thumb brushed along the ring finger of her left hand as if something was meant to be there. “It’d be you forever. It will be you forever but just not right now. I’m graduating, Alex. You’re a sophomore. You have so much left to experience in college. No matter how much we might try after I graduate, I don’t want to take your dreams away from you. I don’t want to take your opportunities away. I know I’ll regret this, I know I already do, but I can’t be with you, Alex.”
And that was their ending. The ending she never wanted.
It made sense that they had started and ended at a frat party.
Where she met him.
Where it began to end for them.
“Get out,” she whispered.
“Alex.”
“Landon, get out!” she cried out louder. “You got what you wanted. What that sports agent wanted. You’re done with me … with us. I chose you. After everything, I chose you just for you to break my heart. The very heart you put together you destroyed all on your own. Get out and find a girl who fits you. Just leave!”
And then she heard the two words he whispered that she’d hold onto.
“I’m sorry.”
The truth was, she was sorry, too.
60 Nd
neodymium
AJ
Freshman year of college
It had been over three weeks.
Weeks made up of agonizing seconds and minutes and hours of a day.
Weeks of his continued silence.
Thanksgiving had been heartbreaking for AJ.
She still held hope.
She still kept waiting even when she knew the truth.
Evan broke his promise to me.
He had broken her heart for the last time.
AJ had spent almost a week in their hometown before she returned to Duke. Kyle still had a lot of preseason training, so she hadn’t spent much time hanging out with him. The Red Sox had lost the World Series this year. It was a disappointing end to an amazing season, and Kyle had vowed to the fans that he’d come back stronger and lead them to glory. So she spent her break with her parents and finished her papers.
As hard as she tried, nothing got her mind off Evan and the fact he’d hurt her with his absence.
“He doesn’t love you,” ran loops in her head until, “He never loved you,” replaced them.
At night, she found herself crying and vulnerable. The darkness of her room was her safety net to unleash her emotions, but in the daylight, she composed herself through false strength and assurance. The belief she could overcome her pain and move on with her life was a lie that empowered her.
AJ knew it was all lies she told to make her parents happy. There was no happiness after Evan Gilmore. Never again. However, over three weeks was a long time to pretend.
To continue to pretend.
She allowed the pressure of her papers to distract her, and they had. But now she was home, and she would expose herself to the past. To the memory of him and them. And she couldn’t do anything to hide from the fact that Brookline, Massachusetts, was her heartbreak town. But it was home.
And wherever Evan Gilmore was, that was where her heart remained, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever get it back. With all her heart’s cracks from his carelessness, she wasn’t sure she even wanted it back.
The cab she just exited pulled away and drove off, leaving AJ to stand in front of her family home and take in the snow that settled on its roof and on the lawn.
Winter had always been her favorite season because the snow was always pure. And today was no exception. It fell with grace. It fell with beauty. It fell with purpose, and it fell with ease.
AJ tilted her head back and took it all in.
The snow felt like home, and she raised her hands and let the snow settle on her palms. She should have worn mittens, but she left them in her purse. When her hands began to feel numb from the cold, she lowered her chin and began to make her way up the steps and to the front door with her suitcase. She refused to turn her head and take in his house. She refused to allow her heart to feel pain during the holiday break.
She didn’t deserve any more, and neither did her parents. AJ had come home to spend Christmas and New Year’s with her parents because that was what she deserved.
A new year.
A clean slate.
First, though, she had to survive Christmas, and it would be smooth sailing for her to start again.
Between classes and papers, she spent a lot of time with Savannah when she wasn’t working at Chino’s. They became closer. And when she didn’t see Savannah, Landon kept her company. They would either study at the library, or he’d walk her to class. It was nice to have someone else to talk to. He was her friend, and she appreciated his respect for her. He never pushed her for anything romantic, and it only made her like him more.
The thought of Landon had her shaking her head. She liked Landon, but he had no business being in her thoughts while she was home. He was in New Haven, and he had to stay there. Her focus was on spending time with her family. When she reached her front door, she couldn’t help but peek over at Evan’s house. She instantly thought back to when they sat on those steps and promised a future together. That they’d wait for each other. But that had been months ago. Months of disappointment and heartache for AJ.
She focused back on the door. She was fine. She had been fine for weeks. AJ came home with the confidence that she wouldn’t see him. Kyle had assured her that Evan was staying in California for winter break. He wouldn’t lie to her, so she believed him.
AJ wouldn’t see Evan.
He couldn’t hurt her any more.
Never again.
She had given him a chance, and he ruined her.
Ruined them.
Taking a deep breath of cold air, she knocked on the front door. It was quicker than having to search through her purse to find her house keys.
Moments later, she was greeted to her mother’s large smile.
“Alexandra!” her mother squealed as she wrapped her arms around AJ. They stood in a tight embrace for some time before she heard a throat clear.
Laughing, AJ pulled away from her mother to find her father standing in the hall. “Hey, Dad.”
“I would have picked you up, you know,” he said as her mother stepped aside and allowed him to hug her.
Once their hug ended, he took the small suitcase from her grasp. “I know, Dad. But as you can see, I managed to get on an earlier flight. Thought it was easier to take a cab than have you drive to Logan.”
“You’re my daughter, Alexandra. I’d drive anywhere to pick you up.”
AJ entered the house, and her mother closed the door behind her as her father walked to the foot of the stairs.
“We have a surprise for you,” her mother announced.
“A surprise for me?” She removed her purse and set it on the hallway table. Then she reached up and began to unbutton her coat. She watched her mother glance over at her father, who set down her suitcase and walked toward her. He helped her out of her coat and took it from her. “Dad, what’s the surprise?” she asked once she glanced over her shoulder to see her father putting her coat on the hook on the wall.
“We’ll take your bags up to your room. Go into the kitchen and see, Alexandra,” her mother insisted.
“You guys are so weird,” AJ said with a laugh and left her parents in the hallway to make her way toward the kitchen. AJ had been craving her mother’s cupcakes for weeks and could smell them as she walked closer to the kitchen. She always gave the cupcakes her mother overnighted to Savannah.
When she entered the kitchen, she came to a sudden stop. He was sitting on the barstool reading a book. It was the same book he usually read when he took long flights. It was his favorite. 1984 by George Orwell.
“Grandpa,” she said in a small voice, surprised to see him.
He set the paperback on the counter and smiled at her. “Alexandra.”
AJ made long strides to reach him. Once he got off the barstool, she got onto her tippy toes and hugged her tall grandfather. He lifted her, showing his strength. In his sixties, her grandfather was still fit. Her mother’s father, James Lawrence, started a successful construction business after he sold his real estate empire—opting to have a more hands-on career.
“Oh, sweetheart, I’ve missed you,” he whispered in her ear. After a long embrace, he set her back on her feet and cupped her jaw. His soft brown eyes roamed her face a
s if he were in awe of the sight of her. “Look at you, Alexandra. You get even more beautiful. You’re your mother’s daughter. I was upset that you got your father’s eyes, but looking at you, I can’t imagine you without your green eyes.”
A smile stretched across her lips. “Mum is the beautiful one, Grandpa.”
His thumb softly brushed her cheek. “She is, but you are, too. But I didn’t come all the way to Massachusetts to argue with you so close to Christmas. How are you?”
“I’m great,” she said once he pulled his hands from her cheeks and they both sat down on the barstools. Her grandfather grasped her hand in his and squeezed it. “How are you?”
“Better now that I’m here with you. I’m sorry I haven’t visited since the summer before your senior year.”
“That’s okay, Grandpa.”
“You know I love you, right? I hate that I didn’t get to spend Christmas with you last year.”
AJ shook her head. “No, don’t apologize. You already went back to Australia after seeing everyone in New York with Gillian.”
Her grandfather’s lip twitched as guilt swirled in his eyes. Eyes that almost resembled her mother’s. So light and beautiful. “I’m sorry you haven’t met her. You’re almost nineteen.”
“I’m okay with the fact I haven’t met your ex-wife, Grandpa,” she promised with a smile, hoping he believed her. She was more than okay with not having met Gillian Lawrence.
“She’s your grandmother, Alexandra.”
She shrugged a shoulder and pulled her hand away from her grandfather’s. “She’s Will, Lori, and Reese’s grandmother. I have Grandma Louise.”
“You deserve two,” he said.
AJ doubted it, but she didn’t want to disappoint her grandfather. She loved him. She might not see him as much as her cousins or as much as her other grandparents, but she still loved him. He tried his best, and she knew it wasn’t a situation he liked to be in—wedged in the middle of a spat that had spanned years. “What’s she like?”
“Who? Gillian?” She nodded. “She was once a kind and beautiful woman. But you are far more beautiful, Alexandra. You have such a pure heart.”
“I don’t,” she brushed off.