by Len Webster
When she wrote the gift tag, it had been with so much honesty and love. It was the truth. And she wanted him to feel loved when she handed him his Christmas present. But he wouldn’t. There was no way AJ could give him her present with his girlfriend in the same room. She wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t right. Evan Gilmore wasn’t hers to have. To love. He had never been hers.
She had no right to ruin his new relationship—no matter how much it hurt to see him with someone else.
Voices downstairs reminded her that she wasn’t alone. Not even in her bedroom. She could hear people talking, but she couldn’t hear what they were talking about. AJ got off her bed and made her way to her walk-in closet. She entered the closet, bent down, and pulled out the step stool next to her shoe rack. AJ climbed the short step and pushed aside a few boxes and books. When there was room, she glanced down at Evan’s present and took in the tag she wrote him. A sense of sadness threatened to reduce her to tears. Tears she promised she wouldn’t shed. AJ set the present on the top shelf and then pushed it as far back as possible. Then she covered it with boxes and books so it was out of sight and could collect dust. It would sit there until it became a long-lost memory.
Satisfied that it was hidden, AJ got off the step and made her way out of her bedroom and down the stairs. Her palms sweated with anxiety. She was about to see Evan for the first time since their confrontation outside Mr. Nebroski’s grocery store. Her increased heartbeats ached as her lungs squeezed for air. She knew she wasn’t ready to see him or his girlfriend. When AJ made it down the bottom step, she took in Will’s strained smile. She gave him a small nod of assurance before she swung her gaze to Evan and his girlfriend standing by the front door.
She was beautiful, and that didn’t make AJ feel any better about herself.
Evan Gilmore’s girlfriend was tall, fit, and stunning with her blond hair and blue eyes. She had a smile that was sweet and generous. It shouldn’t have come as a shock that he had fallen in love with someone so flawless.
And someone so nice …
“Alexandra, there you are. Lori said you were on the phone. How’s your roommate?” Will asked as she walked toward them.
She smiled, knowing that he picked up on her lie. “Savannah’s good,” she said. Then she turned and held out her hand to Evan’s girlfriend. “Hi, I’m Alex.”
Her bright blue eyes gleamed. “Oh, hello, Alex. I’m Molly O’Shea, Evan’s girlfriend.”
“Nice to meet you,” AJ lied. It was torture to meet Evan’s girlfriend. Made worse when she felt Evan’s gaze on her as if he were waiting for her to explode.
“And you, too,” Molly said in a sweet tone. “How do you know Evan?”
How do I know Evan?
Her question threw AJ off because there were so many ways to answer it.
None of which Molly would like.
It was quite clear that Evan had never mentioned AJ or their relationship to Molly.
So AJ would spare her heart and Molly. “Besides being neighbors, we went to high school together. My parents used to take care of him and Kyle while we were growing up. We sometimes went to Kyle’s games together, but we haven’t really spoken since we go to different colleges.”
From the corner of her eye, she saw him wince at her response.
Molly nodded and then held up a bag to AJ. “It’s a little Christmas present. It’s just chocolates. I’m sorry we didn’t get you and your family something more meaningful.”
AJ took the gift bag from Molly with a smile. “Thank you. You didn’t have to get us anything. We’re just happy you could make it to Christmas lunch. My parents and Will’s parents are almost finished cooking and setting the table.”
Evan cleared his throat, getting her attention. “Merry Christmas, AJ.”
AJ.
He said his childhood name for her in front of Molly.
Sadness echoed in his voice.
Sadness that didn’t belong there.
Sadness she would not let influence her heart. So she feigned a smile. “Merry Christmas, Evan. Lori and Reese are here. They’ve been waiting for you and Kyle all morning. They’re in the living room.”
“Lori and Reese?” Molly asked.
Will nodded. “My sisters. Alexandra’s cousins.”
Molly’s cheeks turned bright pink as her eyes widened. “I’m so sorry. I thought … You two were to—”
AJ glanced over at Will. Humor consumed his face as a chuckle escaped him. “Alexandra’s my cousin. She’s the only one I’ve got. She’s pretty much a sister.”
“I’m so sorry,” Molly said, embarrassed.
To her surprise, AJ let out a small laugh. “Don’t be. Umm, fair warning, these chocolates will be gone before lunch with those two.”
“And they were Lori and Reese?” Molly asked.
AJ nodded. “Reese is wearing a Yankees shirt to annoy everyone—especially Kyle when he gets here. And Lori is in the green dress. Don’t worry, they’re sweet.”
Molly smiled with appreciation as Evan led her past AJ and Will, entering the living room. When she heard Evan introduce Molly to AJ’s little cousins, she let out a sigh as her body finally loosened from the taut stance she’d found herself in.
Will’s palm on her shoulder had AJ craning her neck to face him. “How was I?”
“Believable. Much more than he deserves.”
“Thank you.”
He gently squeezed her shoulder. “I know this isn’t the Christmas you wanted or deserve, but I won’t leave your side. I won’t let them ruin your favorite holiday. I promise. Merry Christmas, Alexandra.”
She believed him.
“Merry Christmas, William Archibald Lawrence.”
He rolled his eyes, causing her to laugh. “Did you really have to use my full name? You know I hate that.”
“I know,” AJ teased, knowing that this was probably the only moment today she’d enjoy.
AJ wasn’t wrong.
Teasing Will was the only enjoyable moment she’d had so far. Countless pairs of eyes were on her whenever Molly and Evan got close or spoke. AJ’s family had been accommodating to Molly, ensuring that she was comfortable and felt at home. AJ loved her mother and father more for not giving Molly or Evan the cold shoulder. Lori and Reese liked Molly instantly, and AJ couldn’t fault them.
“So how did you two meet?” Will asked, completely out of the blue considering the conversation had been centered around her mother’s bakery.
AJ stared at the plate of roast chicken and vegetables in front of her. She had prayed that no one would ask that question. That no one would comment on Molly and Evan’s relationship.
That they would spare AJ and her bleeding heart. But they didn’t. And she knew Will was getting the answers AJ was too afraid to ask.
Finally, she lifted her chin to find Evan’s eyes on her. The apology in them flashed bright, but she refused to believe they were honest. That she had conjured that gleam to make herself feel better.
“Hunter introduced us,” Molly informed.
Her heart clenched tight.
“Hunter?” AJ asked before she could press her lips shut.
Molly nodded. “Oh, that’s right! You all went to the same high school together. Yes, Hunter introduced us at a party. We clicked the moment we met. We had this unbelievable connection, and we’ve been dating since.”
An unbelievable connection …
Didn’t we have that, Evan?
Wasn’t I your soul mate?
AJ didn’t look away from Evan, wondering if he saw how much pain each word from Molly caused her. She wondered if her green eyes showed Evan the truth.
That she was heartbroken and tortured.
That she didn’t want to hear how he met her or how they ended up together.
AJ’s mother cleared her throat, interrup
ting the flow of the conversation. No doubt understanding AJ’s silent plea to end this conversation.
“Do you and Evan have any classes together?” AJ’s mother asked.
“Actually, I don’t go to Stanford, Clara.”
AJ’s brows furrowed in confusion as she watched the muscles in Evan’s throat work as he swallowed hard. She glanced over to find Molly looking over at AJ’s mother.
“Oh, you don’t?” Her mother followed up her question with another.
Evan’s girlfriend shook her head. “No. I’m actually a student at UCLA. Evan and I have a long-distance relationship.”
AJ’s fingers loosened their grip on her knife. He was in a long-distance relationship. A concept that couldn’t work for AJ and Evan but could for them.
“Oh,” her mother breathed.
“Will you be going to Evan’s baseball games?” AJ’s uncle asked.
Molly nodded. “Of course, I will. I might miss some games with preseason training later on in the season, but I’ll be there.”
AJ’s heart came to a sudden stop. Her mouth went dry as her lungs failed her.
“Preseason training?” AJ found herself asking in a small voice.
Molly directed that large smile AJ’s way. “Yeah. For soccer. I’m on the UCLA women’s soccer team. I just got a call up for the US women’s soccer team before the Christmas break.”
She’s an athlete.
The thought had AJ’s hands slipping from the table and resting on her lap. Suddenly, she was drowning. The tension she felt was almost like water being poured into her lungs, killing her, causing her to struggle for air.
She’s an athlete.
A professional athlete.
He’s in love with an athlete.
She fits into his life the way I couldn’t.
She fits into his world the way he wouldn’t let me.
At that moment, AJ had never felt more stupid and worthless in her entire life. He had done it again. Chosen someone who would fit his life better than she could. Someone who would keep up appearances the way she never could.
AJ was science, and Evan was a jock.
It made sense that the woman he’d fall in love with and want to be with would be someone like Molly.
Someone as beautiful and sweet as the UCLA soccer player.
AJ grasped the edge of the table and pushed her chair back. Then she got up, glanced over at Evan, and said, “Excuse me for a moment,” before she made her way out of the dining room. She hadn’t waited to be excused by her parents, and she knew she was being rude, but it was the last blow to her heart.
To her hope.
To her belief.
It was the last of everything for her and Evan.
She promised no tears this Christmas, but she was a liar and a promise breaker.
Because tears fell as she made her way down the hall, picked up her coat from the hook, and walked out of the house. She didn’t care that the snow fell heavily or that the black stockings she wore under her black pleated skirt offered her no protection from the icy winds. AJ walked down the short steps and made her way to the middle of the street. She paused for one single moment to tell herself to go back inside the house and live like it didn’t hurt her.
But it did hurt her.
Caused her more pain that consumed her.
And she needed to be far away from him, so she began to walk.
She had no idea where she was going, but she needed the cold air and to get away. Step after step, she distanced herself from her family home. Away from the source of her struggles and her tears.
Tears that were unaffected by the frost.
Tears that continued to fall as if she had an unlimited supply.
Tears that fell like snow.
“AJ!” she heard Evan scream behind her.
She should keep going.
Walk until she made it out of her street and continue until she reached the city.
Walk until her heart stopped withering in her chest.
Walk until she fell out of love with Evan Gilmore.
“AJ, please!” he begged.
He sounded as if he were being tortured. Torture she understood. She turned to find him a blur from her tears. He rushed toward her and stopped in front of her.
She wanted to slap him.
She wanted to yell until her throat was raw.
She wanted him to feel every inch of her heart’s pain.
She wanted him to take responsibility for everything he put her through.
“She’s an athlete!” AJ cried.
He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. It just happened and …”
She reached up and brushed her stupid, foolish tears away. “It just happened? Like we just happened?”
“AJ,” he whispered.
“Every time you choose someone over me, she is better than me. She fits into your life and your world. She’s obviously worthy of you. The US women’s soccer team? How the hell was I ever supposed to compete with that? I never stood a chance.”
“You did. You do,” he assured.
“No, I don’t,” she said, shaking her head. “I never stood a chance with you. You ruined me. You broke my heart. Instead of telling me you moved on, you let me suffer. For weeks, you’ve let me suffer. Then you bring her here, and I have to pretend I’m not dying inside. I was a stranger in my own home, Evan.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. The snow fell and settled in his hair, reminding her of all the times she had waited for him on the bleachers in high school.
All she had ever done was wait for him.
AJ shook her head. “Last Christmas, you gave me the meaning of everything. You gave me an I love you I believed. You gave me hope we could someday be together. This Christmas, you tore my heart out, and you let her pull it to pieces. You let my family pretend and lie. You let her into my life as someone who took you away from me, and I don’t want to hate her. I chose Duke because I loved you too much to live with the pain you caused me. But this is worse because you found me. You made me believe you loved me. I gave you everything. That night in Rhode Island, I gave you all of me, and it’s so clear that it meant nothing to you. How long did it take for you to be with her? To choose her over me?”
“Alexandra.”
His eyes flashed for mercy, but she wouldn’t give it to him.
“How long, Evan?” she demanded.
“I met her the day after I came back to California.”
A day.
That was all it took.
The sob she had painfully tried to contain exploded as heat burst within her. A wail escaped her as her tears rolled down her cheeks. It was never going to get better. He was never going to love her better.
Treat her better.
Want her better.
There was no life with Evan Gilmore.
He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around her. AJ fought him, trying to pull away. She thrashed, throwing punches at his chest. But she had lost her strength a long time ago. She was tired of fighting for him. Tired of being let down by him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered in her hair, holding her tight. “I’m so sorry.”
“I hate you so much!” she cried, her throat tight and raw from her sobs.
“I know you do, AJ, and I deserve it. I had to do it. I had to. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please believe me, I’m sorry. This was worse than prom. I can’t stop hurting you. I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t want to do this. It happened, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to fix this.”
Finally, AJ managed to get her palms on his waist and push him away. “You can’t fix this. Not with stupid words. Not with a road trip. You can never fix this. It took a day. Was that all my love was worth? A
day? Was that all my virginity meant to you? Is she worth more to you than I ever did?”
“You’re everything,” he said in a small voice.
And she saw it.
The truth in his eyes.
Evan meant it.
Yet it did little to save her grieving heart and soul.
“And you’ll mean nothing to me,” she promised.
“Don’t say that,” he begged.
“It’s an oath, Evan,” she said and then took a deep breath for strength. “And unlike you, I mean every word. I loved you with all my heart. You tainted memories and moments today. You love someone who is everything you need. I know, and I can see that she treats you right. You found something with her that you couldn’t with me. I would have loved you right and forever. I understand you the way she can’t. But I know she’ll know you the way I can’t. Intimately. With adoration. Be all the things I couldn’t be for you. When I saw you at Mr. Nebroski’s store, I thought you destroyed me when I saw that box of condoms. But it wasn’t until she said she’s an athlete that I realized I can’t be who you need. I told you I was clean. So it’s only right that I tell you about my pregnancy test results.”
His eyes were wide with shock as he quickly grasped her hand in his. “AJ, I’ll—”
“They were negative,” she revealed. “I’m not pregnant. I won’t ever get in the way of you and Molly. I’ve only ever wanted the best for you, and I’m not it. My love was never it. I’ve never and will never be it for you.”
“You—”
She shook her head at him, ensuring she stopped him from reciting the words that could influence her heart. “Don’t. Don’t give me false hope. I don’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve that.”
Evan nodded and then released her hand. “AJ …”
“I loved you so much,” AJ revealed. “Up until the moment I saw you at the store. I loved you in North Carolina. I loved you in Rhode Island. I loved you in Massachusetts. I loved you where I wasn’t supposed to. I loved you with miles between us. I’ve always loved you with miles between us. But she’ll love you in California where it matters—where it has always mattered the most.”
“Alexandra,” he whispered before he grasped her shoulder, pulled her to him, and wrapped his arms around her.