I looked up at David.
He nodded in approval.
Dear Adam,
I don’t even know where to start, if I’m honest.
It’s hard for all of us, what happened to Jake. We never think it’s going to happen to us, do we?
See Adam, I can’t walk away from this even if I wanted to. I know we’re only sixteen and seventeen but I know I love you. I’ve never told you this before, but I always had a crush on you before you came to our party that night. I’d just never had the guts to tell you before. I know what everyone thinks about me, that I’m this hard and scary girl but deep down I’m not, deep down everything hurts. My parents hurt me, Ed hurts me, what happened to Jake hurt me, and seeing you the way you are because of it, and knowing that there’s nothing I can do to make it better for you, that hurts me, too.
Your doctor told me about you writing down everything that happened. I offered to tell him what happened after the party, but he said he wants to hear your version first which I think is good.
I want you to get better. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff outside to try and help. I’ve spoken to my mum and dad and told them that I’m going to be there for you, and I don’t care what they think. There’s nothing they can do about it, I’m sixteen and can make my own decisions. Ed was on their side. He wanted me to walk away from it all, but the other night we got a bit drunk together and we had a heart to heart and he’s changed his mind. He said he might even come in and see you himself. He wondered if it might help. A total 180, but I think before he was just scared. I think we all are.
I went to see Debbie, too, but she wasn’t in. I wrote her a letter and put it through the door. I know how much you need her, Adam. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing but I’m hoping she’ll find it in her heart to forgive you and come and see you.
There’s only one more thing I want to say and I don’t care if you hate me for it. Imagine if Jake could see you like this, Adam. What would he say? If he knew you’d given up so easily? How gutted would he be? You need to try your hardest to get better, Adam. I know that you’re scared, but try really hard.
This is not easy for me, but I’m not giving up on you so I’ll be in to see you again soon.
Polly xxx
I put the letter back in the envelope and put it under my pillow. It was too much to take in at once. I knew I’d want to read it again later. I pushed away the thoughts of what Jake would say. I didn’t want to think about it now.
‘You OK?’ David asked.
I shrugged.
‘Do you think you can carry on telling me what happened after the Christmas party?’ He asked.
I nodded. I genuinely felt, for the first time since I’d got there, that I could. Polly’s letter had given me hope. Seeing her had made me feel something and, even though I wasn’t sure what it was I felt, I knew it was a big step.
I nodded at David again, just to make sure he’d seen.
‘You’re doing well, Adam,’ he said. He smiled at me as he left the room, and I carried on where I left off.
‘Where’s Jake?’ Nathan slapped me on the back as I walked through the school gates the Monday morning after the drama of the weekend. He was smiling and acting like nothing had happened.
I gave him a filthy look.
‘What?’
I gave him another filthy look.
‘Be a dickhead, then,’ he said.
I sighed. ‘Debbie let him have the day off. He’s upset about Kelly.’
‘Yeah, about that …’
I thought about saying nothing and just walking away: it would have been easier. I didn’t want to have to deal with it. I just wanted it to be OK, for us all to be friends again. As we carried on walking up the path, I could feel the tension between us so I had to say something to him about it. If I didn’t, it’d just get worse.
‘Why did you go off with him, Nath? I couldn’t believe you just got into the car and left like that. Didn’t you see the state of Jake? And Megan. You’re–’
‘Oi seriously, leave it–’
‘No. I’m not leaving it, you proper turned weird and took the piss, you’ve been nowhere to be seen all weekend, ignoring me and I can’t–’
‘Hang on a sec,’ Nathan said. He stopped walking and grabbed my arm for me to stop, too. ‘Megan dumped me on Saturday night. Where were you for me?’
‘What? But–’
‘Exactly.’ He smiled smugly, pulled his bag up on his shoulder, and carried on walking.
‘Nath?’ I followed him. ‘You’d just had a row with her, that’s all, and I tried to ask you, but Danny said you didn’t want to talk about it, remember?’
He carried on walking, ignoring me.
‘She was outside with Jake, he’d talked her into leaving you to calm down, then going in and sorting it all out, until we saw you holding hands with the exact girl who’d caused the row in the first place. This is all bullshit. You’ve been ignoring us all weekend … I–’
‘You think it’s easy for me?’
‘What?’
‘You two?’
‘Who two?’
‘You and Jake?’
‘Me and Jake? What are you talking about?’
‘You two have always been well close.’
‘We’re all close.’
‘Yeah, OK,’ his voice was full of sarcasm. ‘You two have known each other forever. I’ve only been knocking around–’
‘We’ve been best friends, all of us, for five years, Nathan.’
‘Yeah, and you and Jake have been best friends since you were three.’
‘You’re saying you went off with Danny because you think me and Jake are closer?’
‘I’m saying maybe I’m getting a little bit fucked off with how close you two are. How much of a spare part I am. Piggy in the middle, y’know? Where were you two for me on Saturday? Jake was outside with Megan, of all people, and you … you were trying to get laid with Ed’s little sister. I got mugged off by you both, so I figured it was time I found myself some new friends.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘You’re not serious, are you? Jake was outside, calming Megan down and getting her to come in and make up with you,’ I said.
‘And where were you? When I told you to sit down for a drink, all you were worried about was finding Jake.’ He raised his eyebrows at me.
‘Nath, I just didn’t wanna sit with–’
‘Neither of you were there for me,’ he interrupted. ‘You know who was there for me Saturday? Danny. He was a friend to me when I needed someone. He saw me on my own, he invited me to join him and his mates, he cheered me up. Just what you and Jake should have been doing.’
‘So we make one mistake and you dump us for Danny?’
‘And what?’
‘He’s bad news.’
‘Shut up, Ad. Leave it now, yeah?’ He shook his head at me, pulled his bag up on his shoulder and walked off, leaving me feeling like I was spinning on the spot.
At lunch, I was looking for Megan to see what was going on when Ed appeared in front of me. Out of nowhere. Like a bloody ninja. I was caught off guard.
‘A quiet word?’ He asked, with his head cocked to the side and his eyebrows raised.
He spun around to walk next to me, put his arm around me and guided me gently round the back of the science block. I was shitting myself.
‘She said she’d text you to tell you where she was,’ I said, panicked.
‘I know, she told me. She flipped out at me this morning over a bowl of Rice Krispies,’ Ed said. ‘She also told me that you didn’t try it on at all.’ He moved so he was standing right in front of me, staring me straight in the eyes. ‘Was she telling the truth?’
‘Yes, she was telling the truth,’ I said.
‘Do you like her?’
I sighed and looked away.
‘That’s a yes,’ he said. ‘Look, you’re alright, Adam. All I’m saying is that if you hurt her, I’m going to shit on
your head, do you understand?’
‘Yep, can I go now?’
‘We’re OK,’ Ed said, moving out of the way. ‘You understand why I needed to talk to you, yes?’
‘She’s your sister, I get it,’ I said.
‘She’s a pain in my fucking arse, Adam, and she’ll be a pain in yours, but I’m telling you, I do love the guts off her, and if you hurt her–’
‘You’ll shit on my head,’ I said.
He smiled.
‘You sorted things out with Nath yet? I heard he bunked off with Danny on Saturday, man, that was harsh,’ he said.
‘I know right,’ I said as we both walked back round to the main path together. ‘He’s saying me and Jake are out of order ’cause we weren’t there for him when Megan dumped him, but I didn’t even have a chance. He told me to go off to find Jake and come back. Next thing I know, him and Danny are best mates and he’s doing one offinto the night with him.’
‘Look, don’t worry about it, Danny will get bored of him before long, he always does. He doesn’t keep friends the way the rest of us do. He picks them up and puts them back down again when he wants to. This won’t last long,’ he said.
‘Really?’ I asked.
‘Really,’ he said. ‘He’s a twat, always has been ever since we were little.’
‘Cool, thanks,’ I said.
‘No worries, bro.’ He saluted me as he walked off to catch up with his mates.
‘Where’s Nath?’ Jake asked from inside his sofa cocoon. Tom and Jerry was on in the background. The whole thing reminded me of the time he had the flu when he was ten, and spent a whole week cuddled up on the sofa under his duvet, watching TV while I was at school.
‘Dunno,’ I said and sat on the other sofa. ‘How you feeling? Heard anymore from Kel?’
‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’ He sat up and looked at me. ‘Why’s he not come back? Was he not in school?’
I reached for the TV guide to try and distract myself. I was going to have to tell him what Nathan had said, but I didn’t really want to. He was heartbroken enough about Kelly, without having to deal with Nathan dumping us for Danny over something so stupid, it didn’t even really matter. All that stuff about Jake and I being close and him being left out was rubbish. I didn’t want to dump it all on Jake while he was feeling like this.
‘What’s going on?’ Jake said.
‘He’s just being a dick, that’s all.’
‘Because of that Danny? Yeah, I was thinking about it earlier and I reckon it’s ’cause of that Sarah, too. He just fancies her and that’s why he went off with her.’ He reached out for the remote and paused the TV.
Nathan and Sarah were holding hands as they left. I wished Nathan hadn’t said what he’d said earlier. I much preferred Jake’s theory.
I shrugged.
‘Nah, nah, nah, you know more,’ he said. ‘What’s he said?’
I cleared my throat.
‘Just tell me, was it about Kelly?’
I sighed and put the TV guide down. ‘I’m gonna go and get a Coke, want one?’ I stood up.
‘Get one in a minute, tell me what he said.’
‘He didn’t say anything.’
‘You’re such a liar,’ Jake said and un-paused the TV.
Debbie was in the kitchen emptying the washing machine. She was knelt down next to it, huffing, sighing, and pulling all the clothes out. The radio was playing some sort of talk show thing.
I opened the fridge.
‘Christ, you frightened the life out of me,’ she said.
‘Any Coke in here, Deb?’ I asked.
‘In the salad drawer, darling.’
I got one out and shut the fridge. She stood with her hands on her hips, staring at me.
‘What’s up? I know that tone of voice anywhere. What’s wrong?’ she asked.
I took a deep breath.
‘Your dad upset you again?’ She shook her head in disgust at him, but for once it wasn’t him.
‘Nope,’ I said.
She pulled out a chair for me at the kitchen table and one for herself. ‘Sit,’ she said.
‘Do I have to?’
She nodded. ‘Talk,’ she said.
I opened my Coke and took a deep breath. ‘You know Nathan went off with that Danny the other night?’
‘I do. Jake has told me all of the details, he thinks it’s because of that girl Sarah. Maybe he wanted to get back at Megan … make her jealous–’
‘It’s not because of Sarah,’ I said.
She got up to put the kettle on. We all knew it was a serious chat with Debbie when the kettle went on for her coffee. ‘No?’
I shook my head. ‘Nathan was angry because me and Jake weren’t there for him when it kicked off with him and Megan. He told me earlier that he thinks me and Jake are close and leave him out and that he wants to find new friends. Like Danny.’
‘Oh,’ she said, leaning on the side.
I watched her, waiting for her to say more. She’d have the right words to make it better. She always did. ‘And this Danny, Jake said he’s bad news?’
I shrugged. ‘Apparently.’
Debbie sighed. ‘Thing is, darling, there’s not a lot you can do, is there?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Nathan’s perfectly entitled to go off and make new friends.’
‘But–’
‘But it sucks, and it hurts and you want everything to stay the same, just how it is … forever. But it won’t. Things change. People change.’
‘I don’t like it,’ I said.
‘I know you don’t. You can still be friends with Nathan, just maybe not as close.’
I was completely thrown by her comment. I didn’t agree. We had each other. We didn’t need anyone else.
‘I know it’s scary, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘Especially for you, you’ve lost so much already, but you just have to remember that Nathan having new friends doesn’t mean he’s not your friend anymore.’ She stopped talking and got her mug out of the dishwasher.
‘I don’t like Danny,’ I said.
‘I know, but my advice would be to let Nathan do what he’s got to do.’
‘But it’s upset me, Deb.’
She stopped, walked over to me and put her hand on my head. ‘Of course it has, darling, all change is scary.’
‘But Danny’s an arsehole. What if Nathan gets in trouble because of him?’
‘Nathan knows better than that,’ she said.
She pulled away and went back to making her coffee. ‘So, talk to me about Polly …’ she said.
‘Nothing to tell,’ I said, shrugging.
She smirked at me as I got up and walked out of the room, trying to hide my smile.
After three hours of the silent treatment from Jake, because I wouldn’t say what had happened with Nathan and why he didn’t come back after school, I finally told him. Step by step, blow by blow. Then I told him what Debbie had said about it all, too.
He was sitting on the wall outside the chippy, deep in thought. He held a chip mid-air, stopped on its way to his mouth. It was like someone had paused him. I stood in front of him, waiting for him to speak.
‘I have no words,’ he said, and put the chip in his mouth.
I sat down next to him on the wall and opened my drink. He took it off me and had a long swig.
‘Even if he is pissed off with us for not being there for him, or whatever, it’s not right is it?’ He held another chip in front of his mouth. ‘Actually, he’s probably got the right to be a bit pissed off with me, ’cause I didn’t go and find him as soon as I found out what happened.’
‘It’s not your fault, you were trying to calm Megan down and get her to sort it out with him,’ I said.
‘He’ll get over it,’ he said. ‘All this bullshit about us being closer and yada yada … ignore him. He’s being an idiot.’ He got up off the wall and took his vinegar-soaked battered sausage out of the packet. ‘Now tell me what the deal is with
you and Polly?’ He took a huge bite of his sausage.
‘Don’t you want to talk about what happened with Kelly?’ I asked him. I didn’t want to talk to him about Polly. It still didn’t seem right to be getting all excited about it while he was totally heartbroken.
‘Nope, I do not want to talk about that slut,’ he said. ‘Unless you saw her at school today and she was … No, I don’t want to talk about her.’
‘There’s nothing to tell about Polly,’ I said.
‘Did you see Kelly today?’ He asked.
I laughed to myself. ‘No, I didn’t actually.’
‘Cool,’ he said.
‘So, you gonna go out with Polly then?’ He asked.
I was just about to answer when a car skidded to a halt next to us. Its bass was throbbing. The tinted window on the passenger side rolled down and a cloud of smoke escaped, followed by Nathan’s head.
‘Alright gay boys?’ He laughed.
Jake and I watched him as he got out, shut the door, and then leant his hand in to grab a fiver off the driver.
‘Whatcha up to then?’ He asked.
‘Eating our chips,’ Jake said. His tone was half-dead. ‘You?’
‘Getting some dinner for me and Danny boy, then we’re off round Sarah’s, innit.’ He smiled and winked.
‘Oi, hurry up, man.’ Danny’s voice came from inside the car.
I looked at Jake, then at Nathan, then back at Jake, then back at Nathan. Then I spoke.
‘Nath, man, what you doing?’
‘Getting chips.’
He smiled, smacked me on the back, and went inside the chippy.
‘Did that just happen?’ I asked Jake as we walked off.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, glancing over his shoulder. ‘I think it might have.’
‘That was weird,’ I said.
As we turned the corner, Danny’s car skidded behind us, he revved up the engine, and as it screeched past, the sound of Nathan’s voice came flying towards us. ‘Looooooooosers,’ it said.
I threw my chips in the next bin. I’d suddenly lost my appetite.
Nathan had spent a few days ignoring us outside school, but in school he was pretending nothing had happened. It was completely doing my head in. We were only good enough for him when Danny wasn’t around.
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