by T. J. Klune
Third, unicorns formed extraordinary bonds with those they deem worthy. If you are able to gain a unicorn’s trust, it’s usually for life. And even if they give you shit every day and make fun of you and talk behind your back, it means that they love you more than almost anything in the world. They show it by damaging your self-esteem.
Fourth, if you have an extraordinary bond with a unicorn and said unicorn happens to be your best friend whom you left in the middle of the night almost a year ago without leaving them a letter specifically addressed to them, they will come barging in through the gates of whatever town you’re staying in, screaming about murder and death and how if they had their horn, Camp HaveHeart would be renamed Gore City, because there was going to be Gore City up in here, you get me, you pasty-ass motherfucking dick lickers?
But what makes it even worse is when said unicorn best friend is coupled with another best friend who happens to be a half-giant.
They feed off each other.
Giants (and therefore half-giants) get a bad rap. They’re considered brutish and violent and oh so stupid, and maybe there is some truth in that. They speak mostly in grunts and are prone to using their fists more than their words. And yes, there was a battle nine hundred years ago in which a tribe of giants tried to take over Verania in the Battle of Squished Innards where many people died after getting smashed, but that was in the past. These days, they stayed beyond the Northern Mountains and no one bothered them, and that was that.
Tiggy, of course, being the exception.
Tiggy, for all his clipped speech and love for brooms, was most certainly not a stereotypical giant. People underestimated him, thinking he was slow and thoughtless, incapable of actual human feelings. But of course, they were wrong, because Tiggy probably had the biggest heart of us all and was smarter than most everyone I knew. He was very protective of the people he loved the most, and usually destroyed any obstacles in his way to get to them.
Hence the barn door, which exploded inward, sending shards of wood flying around the room in an impressively dramatic display. Say what you will about Gary and Tiggy, but they knew how to make an entrance. I loved them with everything I had.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to die. “Hide me!” I squeaked to Kevin. “Oh my gods, you have to hide me. Swallow me whole and then throw me back up later after it’s safe! Okay, wait. That sounds disgusting. Don’t do that. Just my luck, I’d cause your acid reflux to act up, and we all know how that turns out.”
“We are so dead,” Kevin groaned, eyes wide. “There is going to be nothing left of us to bury. Do you think they would show us mercy if I tied you up and flogged you in front of them? Yes, I think they will. Let’s do that. Your safeword is meatloaf.”
“Sam of Wilds!” an ominous voice intoned through the thick dust. “Prepare to meet your doom.”
“Not my doom! You know how I feel about my doom.”
“Yes. I do. Which is why I said it, you little skank.”
“Oh. Right. Continue.”
The dust began to clear, and there, in the destroyed entrance to the barn, were a hornless unicorn and a half-giant.
Tiggy stood with his big hands on his hips, scowling, but also trying hard not to smile, which made for an interesting combination as he looked me up and down, taking me in hungrily. He didn’t look all that different than the last time I’d seen him. His thin dark hair was still wispy around his head, his nose bulbous, face kind and sweet, even though he’d just smashed a heavy barn door. He was wearing trousers that came just below his knees, and a patchwork vest my mother had made for him a few years before for All Hallowed Day, which he took great care of, saying he’d never had anything so nice before.
I wanted to hug his face until it fell off.
Next to him stood Gary, the air around him shimmering with glitter. His mane and tail had been dyed with streaks of purple and pink. His chest was puffed out, one leg raised in the air, bent at the knee and—wait.
I frowned. “Are you two posing?”
Gary snorted. The sparks that came out were periwinkle and teal. “Of course not,” he growled. “That would just be ridiculous.” He flipped his mane. It settled gracefully on the other side of his head.
“Tiggy.”
“Hi, Sam!”
“Are you posing?”
“Yes.”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “Remember the plan.”
Tiggy’s face scrunched up. “Oh. Right. The plan.” He bared his teeth at me. “Sam in big trouble. Gary gonna bring the pain.”
“Oh,” Gary said, slowly turning back to look at me. “That’s right.”
“I am hard as a fucking rock right now,” Kevin muttered.
“Dude!”
“What? I am.”
“Not the time!”
“It’s never the time.”
“Yes, but of all the times, this is the one where it’s the most not the time.”
“That… wow. Your Veranian really took a hit in the woods, didn’t it. Are coherent sentences hard for you?”
“Enough!” Gary bellowed.
“Meep,” Kevin and I said.
Gary and Tiggy glared at us.
Kevin and I tried to make ourselves smaller.
“Now,” Gary said, “here’s how this is going to work. I am going to murder the both of you. And then I am going to resurrect you using arcane magic. And then I am going to murder you again. And then I will resurrect you again. And only then will I entertain the idea of setting a date far in the future in which I will consider the idea of possibly forgiving either of you for your crimes against Tiggy and myself.”
“Tiggy hug Sam now?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.
“No, you can’t hug Sam now. We still need to make him grovel—and you’re already hugging him.”
And he was. He’d taken three large steps forward, and before I could even react, I’d been swept up in his big arms and held tightly against his chest. His heart was beating rapidly, and he was breathing heavily, and I realized my wonderful friend was shaking. My eyes prickled with tears as I heard him sniffle. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his throat.
“My Sam,” he said quietly. “My Sam. My Sam.”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“Hi.”
“I missed you.”
“Me too. No more, okay? You stay here with Gary and Tiggy forever.”
“Okay.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah,” I said, voice breaking just a little. And even though I knew it was a promise no person could ever make, I said, “Forever,” because I wanted nothing more.
“Tiggy!” Gary growled. “I have never experienced such disappointment in my life. We had a plan. There were going to be threats and intimidation and blood, and then we were going to make them do things for us like laundry and a dance choreographed by yours truly involving unflattering costumes for our specific amusement. And then we were going to cry and hug them and all that other stupid feelings crap.”
“I cry now?” Tiggy said, eyes filling.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “This is going to get very wet.”
“But if you start, I will,” Gary said, lips trembling. The Unicorn Rage glitter was starting to fade. “And at least one of us needs to be angry at them.”
“No angry!” Tiggy wailed, tilting his head back. “Hugging and crying! So happy and sad!”
“I didn’t mean to leave!” I cried. “You have to forgive me!”
Gary ran forward until he collided with Tiggy, who wrapped him up in his other arm, squishing both of us against his chest. “This is going to ruin my makeup,” Gary sobbed, his nostrils pressed against my eyes. It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. “It will streak down my face, and I will look like the aftermath of a festival celebrating the art of bukkake.”
“That’s so disgusting,” I wept. “I hate you so much for saying that so close to my face.”
“Well, it’s true. And I hate you for making me
say it!”
“What bukkake?” Tiggy asked tearfully.
Gary was still crying when he said, “It’s when a group of people take turns ejaculating on someone.”
“Gross,” Tiggy bawled. “Everything happy and sad and gross.”
“I missed you guys so fucking much,” I said, pressing myself closer to Gary. “You have no idea.”
“I expect I do,” Gary said. “And if you think I am letting you out of my sight again in the near future, you’d be sorely mistaken. I am going to cling to you like herpes, you understand me?”
“Tiggy too,” Tiggy said, squeezing us tighter. “I be herpes on your mouth.”
I sighed happily at the thought, which was an impressive feat, seeing as I was still crying along with them.
“Oh look,” a voice said from above us. “Kevin is here too. We should all give some love to Kevin so he doesn’t feel left out or anything and start to doubt he belongs.”
We all slowly looked up at him.
He looked around, eyes wide. “Now, who could have said that? I mean, it’s true, of course, so whoever said that obviously knew what they were talking about.”
Gary pulled away from Tiggy and me, tail up, chest stuck out as he pranced toward Kevin. “Did you fuck other dragons?” Gary demanded.
Kevin peered down at him. “No? One is like my brother. Two are lesbians, one of whom thinks I’m her baby. Which I am. The other is a cranky old man.”
“Did you fuck Sam?”
I gagged. “What? Of course not!”
“Not even when he begged for it,” Kevin told Gary.
“I didn’t beg for anything—”
“Yes,” Gary said, “that sounds like him.”
“In what fucking world does that sound like me?”
“He dressed saucily to try and entice me,” Kevin said, lowering himself until he was eye level with Gary. “But I resisted, no matter how often he tried to present his asshole for my inspection.”
“None of that happened,” I told Tiggy. “Literally none of that.”
“Shh,” Tiggy said, squishing my face back against his chest. “Shhh, Slutty Sam. That’s capitalized. It true now.”
“I will deal with that whore later,” Gary said. “So if you didn’t have sex with dragons or Sam, who did you have sex with?”
“No one,” Kevin said. “Because I was saving myself for you.”
Gary gasped. “You were?”
“I dreamed about going to your bakery,” Kevin growled. “And putting your poppy seed muffins all over my face.”
“Well maybe my bakery is closed permanently,” Gary said, turning his head away to gaze into the distance. “Maybe it went out of business and I don’t have the finances to open it up again.”
“Or maybe it just needs a cash-flow injection,” Kevin said, tongue flicking out. “Something to give it a boost.”
“Oh my,” Gary breathed. “I do like cash-flow injections. And then I could open my bakery and banana nut all over your chest.”
“Tiggy,” I said, struggling to get free, “we have to get out of here. They’re going to have filthy reunion sex, and your soul is far too pure to witness such atrocities!”
“Do you feel that?” Gary purred, rubbing his snout against Kevin’s. “I feel my bakery having a grand reopening celebration right now. In fact, I think there’s something hot in my oven as we speak.”
“Maybe I should get in there and take it out before it burns,” Kevin rumbled.
“Gary,” Tiggy said, “what about the others?”
“Yeah, you should just stick your face in there and pull my muffins out of the oven before they—oh shoot. The others.” He stepped away from Kevin. “Thank you for reminding me, kitten. I lost my head there for a moment.”
“But,” Kevin whimpered, “what about my muffins.”
“I’m still angry with you,” Gary said, tossing his mane like a godsdamn diva. “And I shall not forgive you, no matter how enticing I find you and how much you make my thighs quiver. You are on my shit list. In fact, you are covered in my shit list. You are a pile of shit on a list that I own.”
“I could have done without that description,” I said to no one in particular.
“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you,” Gary said, eyes blazing.
“But we cried together,” I sputtered. “That’s how we know everything is okay!”
“Okay?” He sounded outraged. “You disappeared and took my ex-husband, who I was separated from but was considering a trial reconciliation with. How in the world is any of that okay?”
“We hugged, though.”
“Yes, we did. And you’re welcome for that. You must have really enjoyed being so close to me. But just because we hugged doesn’t mean I have decided whether or not to skin your flesh from your bones as of yet and wear it as a Sam suit to frighten all the children away.”
“So graphic,” I breathed.
“Indeed.”
“I get to wear your face,” Tiggy said, kissing my forehead. “Sam mask.”
“You would look so cool wearing my face,” I assured him. “And what others? Is it Ryan and Justin?” I gulped audibly. “Aren’t they with you?”
“They’re coming along shortly,” Gary said. “Ryan woke us all up in the middle of the night, saying he’d had a dream you were back in Camp HaveHeart and that he thought it was real, so Tiggy and I took off running, leaving them behind because we get to have the first We Hate You Reunion—and yes, that was capitalized, because it’s motherfucking true—since we are your oldest and dearest friends. Ryan and Justin remained behind, yelling after us for some reason I didn’t have time to think about.”
I cocked my head at him. “Maybe because you left them behind?”
“Oh. Right. Yeah. Huh. How about that. I guess I was just too much in a hurry to get here and yell at you because I hate you.”
“You don’t hate me.”
“Little bit.”
“Where were you, anyways? I was told you were on a mission—”
His eyes narrowed. “Who told you that?”
“Katya and Brant.”
“Ah yes,” Gary said. “Those two. Obvious ancillary characters who served no real purpose other than to reintroduce a dashing hero and will probably never be mentioned again.”
“Probably,” I agreed. “But they were nice people. And thank you for the dashing hero comment. I concur completely.”
“It was a figure of speech that doesn’t necessarily describe my feelings for you, you strange whore. And yes, they’re the nicest. How did you meet them? They were supposed to be infiltrating a Dark post.”
“We found them in the forest cornered by Caleb and some other Darks. I rescued them and—”
“Did you murder his entire existence?” Gary demanded.
I shrugged. “Nah. I used him to send Myrin a message that I was back and badass and stuff. Did this whole magic thing that was really impressive, if I do say so myself.”
“Well,” Gary said. “Not the direction I would have gone, but okay. I’ll allow it.”
“Also, I wore my hood while kicking their collective asses and didn’t reveal my identity until the end.”
“You bitch. How dare you try to upstage me with theatrics. I hate you.”
I grinned at him, face feeling a little tight. “Dude, I love you.”
“Obviously. I am the light of your life, as I should be.” He paused, then shook his head. “Just… don’t. Ever again, you understand me? We can’t—” He coughed and looked away. “We can’t be without you. Not that I need you or anything. I am a strong, independent unicorn who don’t need no mens, and I will not take your shit. Is that clear?”
“Crystal.”
“Good. Okay! All is forgiven.”
I blinked. “Really? That… huh. That was easier than I thought.”
His nostrils flared dangerously. “Would you like me to rethink that decision?”
“Nope,” I said hastily. �
��I’m totally in agreement.”
“Hurray!” Kevin said. “I have never felt more jubilant than I do right now—”
“Not you,” Gary snarled, whirling back on the dragon. “You are still going to face my wrath when you least expect it.”
“You forgave Sam!”
“Of course I didn’t. I just said that to lull him into a false sense of security so that one day, when I come for him, he won’t be expecting me—I mean, yes, yes, I did forgive him. He’s my best friend and I love him so.” His eyes shifted side to side. Shiftily.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “My life is over.”
He smiled sweetly. “The moment you stepped foot back into Camp HaveHeart.”
“Should have waited for Justin and Knight Delicious Face?” Tiggy asked.
“Not at all,” Gary told him. “They have legs. We’re not their bitches. If they want to see Sam so bad, they can run here just like we did. And gods help them if they didn’t bring my luggage back. I will fuck their shit up.”
“I’m so dead,” I whispered.
CAMP HAVEHEART was awake and moving when we walked out the destroyed barn door, a crowd having gathered but quickly dispersing like they wanted us to think they hadn’t been listening in on every word. Mom and Dad were waiting for us on their porch, Vadoma seated next to them, her pipe between her lips. My parents looked relieved as we all walked out side by side, as if they expected missing limbs and kicked-in teeth. Which, to be fair, I’d expected too. Mom said something I couldn’t make out to Vadoma, but whatever it was, Vadoma just shook her head. Mom sighed and then pulled my father to fall in step beside us.
“Josh-pop,” Tiggy said, picking up my father and setting him on his shoulder. “Hi! I miss you. My brooms okay?”
“You don’t have to carry me,” Dad grumbled. “What if all the knights see?” Tiggy made to set him down, but Dad wasn’t fooling anyone when he pushed Tiggy’s hand away. “Your brooms are all accounted for. I made sure.”
“Good Josh-pop,” Tiggy crooned.
Mom was petting Gary’s mane. “Did you give him the ol’ what for?”