by T. J. Klune
But none of us had expected for him to have to act in his father’s stead so soon. The King was still in his early sixties, and even though he’d been in mourning like the rest of us the last time I’d seen him, he’d been healthy and strong. He was meant to rule for years still to come, and Justin was going to spend that time learning all that he could. And while I would be advising Justin when he took the throne, all decisions came from him. The weight of Verania would be upon his shoulders.
Like it was now.
Like it had been since his father had been taken prisoner.
And I hadn’t been here to help.
“Why is the King still alive?” Kevin asked.
I winced at that. It was a fair question, but it was still a little graceless.
Lady Tina surprised me when she was the one to answer. “It’s a way to keep Veranians in line. As long as the King remains alive and reasonably well, Myrin can threaten the people with harming their King.”
“Killing him would have sparked a revolution,” Justin said quietly. “There would have been an all-out war. Many people would have died. By keeping him alive, Myrin can play upon their fears. For all they know, their King is being tortured daily.”
“And he’s not?” I asked, as much as I didn’t want to.
Justin shook his head. “From what our spies tell us, he’s kept reasonably well in the dungeons. Myrin hasn’t been to see him in months.”
“You have people on the inside? How?”
Justin looked at me. “Did you expect us just to sit around waiting for you?”
Ouch. I deserved that. “No,” I said evenly. “I didn’t.”
He looked chagrined. “I didn’t mean it like—”
“You did. And that’s okay. I don’t blame you. If anything, you should blame me. I should have—I don’t know. Done something different.”
Ryan stiffened a little at my side but didn’t speak.
“You did what you had to,” Justin said. “And while I don’t like how you went about it, you had your reasons, which I’m sure I’ll hear all about later. But we don’t have time for it now.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Because we’re going to infiltrate Castle Lockes and rescue my father.”
I took a step forward, magic beginning to hum in my blood. “You have a plan?”
He nodded toward Lady Tina. “She does. And you’re going to be working with her on it. We need you now, Sam, more than ever. Now that you’ve returned, it’s time we take Verania back.”
Godsdammit.
Chapter 8: Dark Wizards Can Kiss Our Asses
“AND ANOTHER thing, where does she get off being all buddy-buddy with Justin?” I raged. “He’s not her best friend 5eva. He’s my best friend 5eva, and she’s just jealous because Justin likes it when I give him hugs and braid his hair. We have pillow fights and eat flan and talk about boys and whatever. She doesn’t do that with him, and she never will!”
“I am so glad I never went to your sleepovers with Justin,” Gary said, lying on a pile of blankets in his and Tiggy’s barn. “I’ve seen you eat flan before. It isn’t attractive.”
I waved at him dismissively as I continued to pace. “There is no way to eat flan attractively. It’s impossible.”
“Bullshit. I can do anything attractively. It’s not a flan thing. It’s a you thing.”
I scowled at him. “Tiggy, tell Gary to stop being a jerk and that I’m right, and also tell me I am attractive because I need to feel good about myself.”
Tiggy looked up from where he was sitting amongst his brooms, having spent the last hour organizing them in a system that only he understood. “Gary not a jerk. We all right. And I love you.”
“You are the best thing in this world,” I told him seriously, and he grinned at me. I glanced at Gary. “And I would say the same thing about you, but apparently you’ve developed a taste for Lady Tina strange since I’ve left, so.”
Gary gasped. “You wipe that filth from your mouth. I will have you know that I am not about the ladies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know how I feel about the mens.”
“You like them inside you,” Tiggy said, frowning down at a push broom like it’d offended him somehow.
“Exactly, kitten. I am a whore for cock. I mean, sure, I let Honest Helga tie me up and whip me, but that wasn’t sexual. I just like how she wields a whip.”
“There is so much wrong about you,” I muttered. Then, “Can we please get back to my problems because I would like to talk about me some more?”
“It sounds like to me that you’re the jealous one,” Gary said.
“No! Didn’t you hear anything I said? She’s the jealous one because of the bond I share with Justin and with how much Ryan loves me and worships the ground I walk on when he’s not super pissed off at me like he is right at this very moment.”
“And where are Justin and Ryan?” Gary asked.
“With Lady Tina and the Foxy Lady Brigade at the training fields,” I snapped. “Because apparently they want to see what the women have been working on, and maybe, Sam, you should just go get some rest because you still look tired and—oh. Wait. I can see the whole jealousy thing now. Dammit. And now that I think about it, I’m really jealous. Like, it’s burning inside of me.”
“Dawning realizations are my favorite kind,” Gary said. “How I have missed you and your particular brand of self-awareness.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I decided. “Because I need that right now.”
“They love you,” Tiggy said, setting aside a chimney-sweep broom that looked as if it’d seen better days. “Like we love you.”
“Thanks, dude. That’s nice of you to—”
“Not done.”
“Oh. Right.”
“They mad, though. Like we got mad. You left.” He shrugged. “All gone. Kevin gone too. Everyone scared. Villains came and Tiggy smashed, but it not good enough. And now you here, but different. You Sam, but bigger Sam. Big big magic, you know?”
“Some people think he doesn’t have much to say,” Gary said, looking at Tiggy fondly. “They’re wrong. He only speaks the truth. There’s no filler. Not like with the rest of us.”
I glared at the both of them. “I’ve already apologized. I don’t know what else to say to get you guys to believe me.”
“Sort of like Lady Tina, right?” Gary asked.
I blinked. “Oh, you son of a—”
“Look, Sam. We’re so happy you’re home. All of us are. We’ve been waiting for you for a very long time. And during that very long time we waited, things happened. Things that you weren’t a part of.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I get it. I really do. Where you’re coming from. And it’s valid. It’s like you were stuck in time, you know? The last thing you remember about all of us was how we were when you left. But for us, time hasn’t stopped. We’ve had to move forward, and—”
“And leave me behind,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I failed quite spectacularly.
“No,” Gary said sharply. “Never that. There is a place for you here, just as there has always been. But you are different now. Just like we are. And we have to figure out how to fit again. You’re my best friend. My more unattractive sister from another mister.”
“Hey, man, I’ve met your brother now, and everything I’m hearing about your parents, maybe they’d like to—”
“I will cut out your heart and eat it in front of you.”
“I could get up on your dad,” I said, rather gleefully. “And your mom probably wouldn’t be too upset by it. She’d probably even join in. Just think, if Ryan decides I’m not worth the trouble and he seeks solace in Justin’s arms like I’m sure Lady Tina has masturbatory thoughts about (or even with Terry, what the fuck), then maybe I’ll need to find comfort somewhere else. I could be your stepfather. I wonder what it’s like to be between two unicorns? I bet it’s cosmic.”
Gary was on his feet in a split second. “You wouldn’t d
are.”
“Sam gonna get some unicorn?” Tiggy asked, cocking his head.
“Maybe,” I said. “We’re all different now, right? Maybe that’s a thing Sam of Dragons likes. Get me some ’corn.”
“Really,” Gary said, a glint in his eyes. “Then you wouldn’t mind making out with me, if you like unicorns now.” He took a step toward me.
I swallowed thickly but put on my brave face. “Of course not. That sounds… just. Like. So hot.”
“Yeah?” Gary said, voice dropping an octave or two. I was sure it was supposed to be erotic, but it caused my balls to shrivel. “I’ve got a very long tongue. Could probably lick all the way down to your lungs with the tip.”
“Wow,” I said weakly. “That sounds… invasive.”
“Kevin gonna be sad he not here,” Tiggy said. “I sad that I am.”
“So invasive,” Gary said as he loomed over me. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to get to put myself inside you.”
I had to be strong in the face of such adversity. Two could play at this game. I arched an eyebrow at him and smiled widely in a way that I hoped said that I was giving serious consideration to making out with a hornless unicorn. “Yeah,” I said, sure that I sounded husky and sultry. “I’ve thought about this once or twice.”
“Bad thoughts,” Tiggy moaned in the background. “Bad, bad thoughts.”
“What?” Gary squeaked. He coughed. “I mean, yeah, totally, me too. This is going to be so sweet. Like, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking about getting an erection right now.”
“Oh good,” I said. “Because I’ve already started to get one a little bit.”
“No,” Tiggy said, rocking back and forth. “No, no, no, no.”
I could feel Gary’s breath on my face. It smelled like warm cookies and happiness. “Well,” Gary said, “maybe it’s time you found out exactly what my bakery is all about. Stop in. Have a seat. Let me take care of you. Maybe have a jumbo caramel banana muffin.”
Oh my gods. That was one of the more disgusting things on his bakery menu. It involved—no. No, I couldn’t even picture it, because the very thought of the depravity of Gary’s jumbo caramel banana muffin was enough to make me want to find the nearest church and pray for hours. “Sounds great,” I managed to get out. “Make sure it has extra caramel.”
“Whyyyyyyyyyy,” Tiggy moaned.
Gary’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, I’ve got all the caramel for you.”
Tiggy gagged.
“Good,” I said. “Now, are you gonna kiss me, or are you just going to stand there and talk about it?”
“Here I come,” Gary said.
“Which is what I’ll be saying in like three minutes.”
Gary shuddered. “That’s so hot,” he managed to say, even though he sounded like he was about to be violently ill. “I can’t wait to see your orgasm face.”
Ugh. That’s not something you should ever hear from your unicorn best friend. “Yeah, it’s pretty… cool.”
“I’m going to put so much rainbow in you. It’s probably going to end up leaking out your ears.”
I threw up a little in my mouth but managed to swallow it. “Yeah, maybe after you can lick it up.”
He frowned. “You want me to lick my rainbow secretion from your ears?”
I shrugged. “Why not? Scared?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Never.”
“Happy place,” Tiggy muttered. “Going to my happy place.”
“Here we go,” I said, leaning forward, trying to force myself to pucker up but my mouth not really getting the message.
“Here comes the muffin,” Gary singsonged, and was I really going to do this?
Yes. Yes, I was, because making out with Gary was going to prove that Lady Tina was evil.
Or something.
I didn’t really remember how we’d gotten to this point. Which, to be honest, happened quite often.
Gary flicked his meaty tongue at me, and I was going to let that in my mouth and—
“What the hell is going on in here?”
“Eep,” Gary and I said at the same time as we jumped away from each other.
Standing in the ruined doorway of the barn were Kevin and Ryan. Kevin, of course, was staring at us with naked interest, glancing between the two of us as if he knew exactly what had been about to happen.
“Heeeeeyyy,” I said, waving awkwardly at the both of them. “Have I ever told you that your timing is the best thing about you?”
“What are you—mmph.”
“Ignore him,” Kevin said, the tip of one of his claws pressed against Ryan’s mouth. “Pretend we aren’t even here. Just… continue the conversation you were having. And if you can’t pretend we aren’t here, Sam, then how well do you do with taking direction? Because I want you to put your fingers up Gary’s—ow. You bit me!”
Ryan glared up at Kevin as the dragon took his hand away, before turning back to me. “Explain,” he demanded, and that should not have been as hot as it was, especially since I had just been two seconds away from Gary getting all up in my shit.
“Oh sure,” I said. “Yeah, that’s so easy. Like. Okay. So. I was coming in here just to hang out with my best friends because I missed them, right? And then Gary started hitting on me because, you know. He’s Gary. And I said, ‘No, Gary. You can’t do that. Because of Ryan and feelings.’ And then he said that he wanted to feed me his muffin or something. That part’s kind of hazy because gross. And then he was going to give me a rainbow injection or whatever, and then I said, ‘Hey, guy, just back off a little, because I’ve got my one and only.’ And then he said that you all trust Lady Tina, and that’s how this whole thing started, because whaaaat. And then… like. His dad. Right? I mean, his dad might want to have some of this, like whoa. And so Gary said, you’re different, Sam, and we’re different, and I’m an asshole because I’m not appreciating all that you’ve done for us. And then I said, ‘Yes, you’re an asshole for not appreciating all that I’ve done, thank you for saying so,’ and that’s when the bakery opened.”
He stared at me.
I smiled at him.
“You don’t trust Lady Tina and were jealous of the fact that she seems to have a place here,” Ryan said slowly. “And you don’t know where you seem to fit in. Don’t even get started with the justification that she’s trying to push Justin and me together like this has been her plan all along. So you picked a fight with Gary about it and tried to use his parents and brother against him in order to make him jealous, and then both of you ended up in a game of interspecies gay chicken that neither of you were going to back out of.”
“My favorite kind of chicken,” Kevin breathed heavily.
“Yes,” I said, nodding furiously. “That’s exactly what I said. You know me so well.”
“Gary,” Ryan said, sounding incredibly disappointed. “You know how Sam is. You can’t try and goad him like that.”
“Right? Gary, you know how I am—wait. What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re right,” Gary sighed. “I do know how he is, and yet I continued to push him. And to think, once he’d had a taste of all of this, he would have been hooked for life. I’m the most dangerous drug there is.”
“He’s right,” Kevin said dreamily. “I’m an addict. I want nothing more than to get a good hit right now.”
“Today is sad day,” Tiggy said, staring morosely at his brooms.
“I apologize, Knight Delicious Face,” Gary said. “I should not have been trying to tempt your man away from you like the floozy that I am. I have to remember that my sexuality is the deadliest weapon I carry in my arsenal. Of course he couldn’t resist.”
“What? I can resist! I can resist so hard, you don’t even know! It was you who wanted to feed me your jumbo caramel banana muffin and—”
Ryan choked as Kevin said, “But even I won’t do that, and you considered doing that with my trial-reconciliation ex-husband? Sam, I’m impressed. You’re disgustin
g.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “I hate everyone here and wish I’d never met any of you.”
“Lie,” they all said.
“Whatever,” I grumbled. “I’m mad at everyone, and you’re all mad at me for doing what I had to do, and now you’re making me work with my most mortal of enemies because you think she’s a good person, even though I know she’s got nothing but malice in her heart. But please, tell me more about how she’s not going to turn on us right when it matters most—”
“She saved my life,” Ryan said.
I closed my eyes.
“When they came, they came in numbers we did not expect. We fought for days but were overwhelmed in the end. Castle Lockes was going to fall. The King had already been taken prisoner, and I was in the throne room, bleeding and tired and losing. It was—well.” He touched the scar on his face. “Ruv was there. He had the upper hand, and he knew it. He stood above me, my sword in his hands, and he told me he was going to relish taking my life, and that when he saw you again, he was going to describe in detail my last moments. He was going to tell you I begged and pleaded. That I told him I didn’t want you anymore. That I had forsaken you because you’d left us. That I sold you out and told him everything I could about you. That I died a coward, weak and frail. He was monologuing, and I couldn’t even find it in myself to hate him for it, because I could hear your voice in my head. Mocking him, calling him a douchebag villain just like all the others. That even though he thought himself different, he was exactly the same. And had I died right then, right at that moment, I would have done so with a smile on my face, because I was with you. Hearing you.”
“But you didn’t die,” I whispered as I opened my eyes.
“No. I didn’t. Because Ruv kept talking and talking, and he was so distracted, he didn’t hear Lady Tina coming up behind him, wielding the King’s scepter. She bashed him on the back of the head. He was knocked out. And we were able to find Justin and the others and escape the City through the sewer tunnels underneath Lockes. She—I know the history, Sam. I know what she’s done. I’ve been there for a lot of it. But she saved my life and the lives of many people that day with her actions. Her and the brigade. That didn’t mean I trusted her immediately. We locked her up as soon as we took back the Port.”