by Lucy Coleman
As soon as we sit down, Hayley half turns, to stare at me.
‘What happened? That looked heavy.’
I swallow hard, still coming to terms with it myself.
‘The plan is that Finlay takes the F1 assignment because they’ve earmarked me to be Clarissa’s deputy.’
I’m too shocked to eat, so I begin sipping my coffee. Caffeine is probably the last thing I need at this particular moment in time, but it helps calm my jangling nerves.
‘That’s huge, Tia. You’ve obviously passed the test and I bet she’s been a bit worried what with all you’ve had going on. The Caswell Bay thing now makes sense. And I bet she wants to slide into the new post on a permanent basis when you’re ready. Poor Finlay, I can imagine his creepy grin when she gave him the F1 assignment; and how quickly it was wiped off his face, once she mentioned your name.’
‘I don’t think he knows. I don’t think anyone knows, yet. Oliver said I should take a few days to think about it, but Clarissa thinks it’s a done deal.’
‘Guess we’re both in for a pay rise, then. I’ll give Jack a call when I get a minute and break the news. Do I sense a little hesitation on your part?’
‘No. It was just a surprise.’
I don’t know how I feel. Which is a totally crazy reaction because this is the next step for me – the one I’ve been craving. It’s the culmination of everything I’ve been working towards. I know that short-term Clarissa will keep an eye on me, but I will finally be in charge, in the hot seat and calling the shots. She will have her own workload to consider and all eyes will be on her, so that’s where her focus will be directed.
Hayley’s mood has visibly lifted, but my mood continues to sink. I look at my watch and make an excuse, saying I’d better get going. I lie, telling her there’s something I need to pick up on the way back to the station. Hayley makes a sad face, but I’m not good company at the moment and it’s not fair of me to dampen her spirits.
We hug goodbye. ‘I’ve missed you and I will be glad when you are back. Will this shorten your trip?’
‘Apparently not. Clarissa said I should make the most of this time to recharge my batteries so I can come back refreshed and ready for the challenge ahead.’
‘Well, that’s something, at least. Guess I’m going to have two bosses for a while.’
At the moment I can’t talk about this, I simply need to think. This was the dream and it’s been a long time coming. All the years spent working my way up through the ranks to learn the ropes. Then being groomed by Clarissa, hoping that one day, very soon, I’d be in the right place, at the right time. I should be jumping for joy but I don’t think it’s sunk in properly yet. I was expecting a fight and it turned out to be a tea party. Obviously, I’m going to say yes, this is finally it. Payback.
I promised Nic I’d text him and I guess this is one occasion that calls for a raid on the emoticons. A smiley face would be a bit of an understatement now I’m beginning to savour the sweet taste of success.
23
A Party on the Beach
The train is delayed due to signal power failure and it’s almost seven-thirty by the time I make my way out of the station to look for Nic. I eventually spot him, but there is a whole crowd of people between us. It’s a two-way stream as it’s Friday evening and everyone is eager to head for home.
‘Hey, you. A big day, mega congratulations.’ By the time I texted Nic I guess I was back on form and full of confidence about grabbing a golden opportunity.
He whisks a beautiful hand-tied bouquet of roses from behind his back, clearly not something he’s just picked up in a supermarket.
I feel myself immediately colouring-up, as the gesture is totally unexpected. Not least, because it’s so kind of Nic to spend some of his hard-earned cash simply to celebrate my good news.
‘Aww, thank you.’
I slip my hand into his and we head off, having to circumnavigate a large queue at the taxi rank and people with luggage blocking the path.
‘The car is in the short-stay car park. Are you hungry, because I have a surprise waiting back at the cottage?’
‘I’m starving. I’ve hardly eaten all day. Nervous tension, I think.’
‘I’ll wait until you’ve been fed, before I start firing questions at you. You haven’t asked about my day.’
‘Nic, how was your day?’
‘I bumped into Olwen.’
I grimace and he laughs. He tells me the whole story on the journey back to the cottage. I wasn’t surprised to hear that she gave him a hard time. I know she means well and she has a soft spot for him. If Nic and I had met under different circumstances – when our lives were more settled – who knows what the outcome might have been? That’s what Olwen can’t grasp, that it’s all about timing. Only fate can control that.
When we arrive back at Beach View Cottage it’s almost dark. As Nic opens the front door I sniff the air, expecting a waft of something cooking in the oven. I turn to look at him, rather disappointed.
‘It’s a surprise, remember? Go and slip into something warm for the beach.’
‘At this time of night?’
He flips his hand, waving me off in the direction of the stairs, as he walks across to the fridge.
‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll be back. No peeking.’
I climb the stairs with a little smile hovering on my lips. How different would tonight have been coming back to an empty cottage? The nervous energy that has been coursing around my body for at least half of the day has left me wired and I know that although I’m tired, sleep won’t come easily tonight. I’m going to struggle to relax and wind-down after a day full of wide-ranging emotions.
Having Nic here is really helping me not to begin stressing over this unexpected development, but to celebrate it. That isn’t easy to do when it’s a party of one and, besides, his excitement on my behalf is a reminder that I should pause to mark this momentous occasion because it is a cause for celebration. I suppose I’ve waited for this to happen for such a long time that I never really thought this day would come.
As I pull on some jeans and a thick sweater, I look out onto the beach. One, by one, a semi–circle of lights begins to glow in the darkness. It looks like Nic has raided the cupboards to find as many jars as he can to hold the softly flickering tealights. I see what appears to be a mass of little sparks that suddenly ignite into a flame. Nic is lighting a fire.
How lucky am I, tonight? And how ironic, that it’s Clarissa, of all people, that I have to thank for that.
*
Nic throws another log on the fire, stirring up the embers so that flames lick up to engulf it.
‘I think I can say those were the best hot dogs I’ve ever eaten. And the onions were perfectly caramelised.’
‘Even the burnt bits?’
‘Even the burnt bits, but most importantly it hit the spot. What’s for dessert?’
He holds up a finger, indicating I should wait while he digs into the hamper beside his deck chair.
‘Ta dah!’ He holds a packet of pink and white marshmallows up for inspection and then reaches back inside to pull out two long, wooden-handled skewers.
We sit looking at each other for a moment, as if someone has called time-out. After a few seconds, I find myself breaking the trance.
‘It’s perfect. This, here… tonight. And how did you know I love marshmallows toasted over a fire?’
I watch as he opens the packet and begins loading three on each skewer.
‘You just look like a gooey marshmallow lover. Here you go, toast away to your heart’s content.’
I move my chair a little closer to his and we lean forward trying to find a hot spot away from the flames.
In the background that constant roar as the waves roll in and then the swoosh as they ebb away, is like a sound track. Everything beyond the little circle of tealight is consumed by the shadows. The sea and sky would merge seamlessly into one if it wasn’t for the moonlight illuminating
the rise and fall of the waves, as far as the eye can see. The stars sparkle like little electric light bulbs, a constant reminder that we don’t really know what’s out there.
We continue toasting marshmallows until they start to melt, searing them in the flames before drawing them away from the heat. They aren’t the easiest things to eat and we end up laughing as we stuff our mouths full of the gooey sweetness, or risk dropping them in the sand beneath our feet.
‘Here,’ Nic leans across and wipes some stickiness from my face. ‘So, are you going to tell me a bit more about your exciting day in the big city? I know from my days in London how hard you have to work to make it there and you’re acting very cool about it.’
‘Well, it’s only a temporary promotion for now. But it will look good on my CV. It kind of took my breath away for a minute there. I was actually speechless and then they were quick to reassure me I could take the weekend to think about it.’
‘But they are expecting you to go for it and, of course, you will. Why wouldn’t you?’
I nod. ‘Do you know what the best bit about today has been?’
He looks across at me, his expression blank.
‘What?’
‘Sharing my news with you and coming back to this.’
His face drops a little and his eyes search mine.
‘You missed being able to phone your mum. But she knows what’s happening.’
‘Do you believe that, Nic? I mean really believe it?’
‘I think there’s more to life than just this and while I might not subscribe to the heaven and hell theory, I think our souls go somewhere after we die. And if the soul lives on, then love never dies – surely?’
He seems to be able to look inside my head and read my thoughts. The things I can’t voice. And the last few hours I’ve thought of nothing except Mum. She would have been punching the air and oozing excitement, her eyes and heart filled with pride. And that’s what loss represents. I’ve lost being able to hug her and be hugged by her. I’ve lost being able to share the things that make me happy, or sad. Nic is trying his best to fill that empty void and tonight that means such a lot to me.
‘I think what’s important is that you proved to yourself today that going back wasn’t as bad as you feared it would be. The question you never referred to, but was constantly at the back of your mind niggling away, has been answered. You did it before and you can do it again.’
I sigh, knowing he’s right.
‘What helps is knowing I have another three weeks here and by then I will be ready to take on the world again. I have to be ready.’
It doesn’t come out sounding quite as strong and confident as I’d hoped, as my voice wavers. But I think it’s more because of the slight chill in the air.
‘Actually, Tia, I do have some news to tell you. Gareth, at the paper, has recommended me to a country park attraction, located about ten miles away. They want to re-brand the business and they need updated photographs for their brochures and future marketing campaigns. I wondered if you fancied a little trip tomorrow to check it out before I commit? The owner has suggested I go along for a brief chat.’
He looks pleased and I’m genuinely thrilled for him, as this could be exactly the boost he needs to bolster his confidence.
‘That’s fantastic and yes, I’d love that! This could be the start of something that could grow into a nice little business. A lot of photographs will have passed Gareth’s desk over the years, no doubt, and for him to recommend you is a big deal.’
Nic hangs his head a little and begins poking the fire to break it down.
‘There’s one teeny little problem.’
‘Which is?’
‘I’ve only ever taken photos of the sea, or mountains, or landscapes. I never photograph people or animals.’
I can’t see the problem.
‘Does it matter? I mean, it’s all about composition, isn’t it? So, a good photo is a good photo.’
He shakes his head, sucking in a breath.
‘Spoken like an amateur. With nature, you point and shoot. With anything on two, or four legs, you not only have to manoeuvre them into the right pose, but they don’t always keep still. Or do what you want them to do.’
Now it’s my turn to shake my head at him.
‘Well, I think you are looking for excuses. You can do this and if you start doubting yourself just think about the money. That should help focus the mind.’
‘Ah.’ He looks at me with eyebrows raised. ‘Money. The stuff I used to have and the very same stuff that seems to hit my bank account and immediately disappear into thin air.’
I wish I could find a solution to get Nic out of the hole he’s in.
‘Well, how about we do that interview? A cheque is a cheque, after all. We can use an assumed name for you, if you like. We do that sometimes.’
The embers are beginning to die and Nic continues to spread them out ready to dampen the fire.
‘That’s an option? You ask me questions and I tell you my story, but I’m not identified in any way?’
‘Sure. I have a space in the January article. The slant of the story is going to be about looking forward and what shapes people’s New Year resolutions. Not the things you might say you’re going to do and give up on within a week, but how you look at the new year as a fresh start and the goals you set yourself. If you take part, the contrast would be with a couple in their sixties, who are very much looking at their bucket list, if you like. You, on the other hand, will be…’
I wait for Nic to fill the gap.
‘Oh, that was my prompt. Um… I will be…’
The silence grows.
‘OK, it’s late and it’s getting cold. Let’s put out the fire and head back. We can discuss this in the morning when I’m sure things will be much clearer.’
‘You think?’
He doesn’t look convinced.
‘Well, let’s just say that I’m not leaving Caswell Bay until you have a firm action plan.’
‘When did you join Olwen’s team?’ he mutters, as we start packing up.
‘Since yesterday, when she warned me that our little arrangement could end up in heartache, as it’s bad karma. Or something like that. But she was trying to make me feel guilty and she succeeded. So now I’m determined I’m going to leave you on a high and energised, just to prove her wrong.’
He stops what he’s doing to look at me, as if I’m joking, but when he sees that I’m not, his head jerks back a little.
‘Should I be afraid?’
I start laughing, but say nothing. As we stumble back up the beach every few yards I have to stop to catch my breath, as I now have the giggles.
‘First Olwen, and now you. And I always had this little fantasy about two women fighting over me. What is that saying? Be careful what you wish for?’
‘It might just come true!’
As we approach the cottage my eyes automatically begin to scan the trees as they loom up in front of us. Nothing jumps out at me and I chide myself for letting myself get spooked. But Nic is here with me now and I’m glad of that, regardless of the reason why.
We collapse into bed, so tired that I’m not sure who falls asleep first. It isn’t until the early morning light is streaming in through the window that either of us stir.
‘Morning,’ Nic whispers into my ear. He rolls into me to snuggle up close. Seconds later his breathing changes and it’s clear he’s fallen back to sleep. If I move, I’ll disturb him and I want him to take advantage of his Saturday morning lie-in.
I’m content to simply lie here, listening to the steady rhythm of his breathing and wondering why things have gone so badly wrong for him in the past. His air of general despondency is clearly starting to shift, as he’s much more upbeat now and that can only be a positive step forward.
And as for me, well, the dream is beckoning and on Monday I will be ringing Clarissa to tell her that I can’t wait to throw myself into such an exciting opportunity. Wouldn’t
it have been a horribly impossible situation to handle, if Nic and I had just begun a real relationship? The timing would have been awful and I’m not sure I could have handled the extra pressure on top of everything else.
Being with someone, but not being swamped by them, is something that’s not easy to explain. I know that Olwen doesn’t understand, because fate took a hand and she met the right guy at precisely the right time. I can’t fathom out anyone who doubts that our destiny is already mapped out for us. The alternative is to believe that life is full of random coincidences, rather than a series of steps that lead each of us in a particular direction for a reason. Now that, to my mind, is ridiculous. And yes, I’m envious of anyone who has found their soul mate – of course I am. Who doesn’t want to feel that special moment when you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that the search is over? I like to think that when you find the one, then everything slots neatly into place. Hopefully, there’s absolutely no room for error. If it’s meant to be then there’s no way you can mess up or get it wrong.
Whenever I began dating someone new, I always made an effort to be different; as if just being myself wouldn’t be enough to keep his interest. I tried to become a better version of myself. Once we moved on from the trips to the movies and the intimate little restaurant meals for two, we were into the awkward stage. An evening back at my apartment, or his place, was supposed to be fun and allow us to get to know each other in a more relaxed environment. Instead, for me that’s when the relationship always stalled and shortly afterwards fizzled out. It hasn’t been like that with Nic because of our ground rules and that works so well. I’m happy to have Nic lying next to me, knowing there is no pressure, or expectation. The weekend is here and whatever time we spend together, we are going to enjoy.
It’s simple, really. When you need something, you look for a solution that fits. At this point in my life I need to feel desired; it’s a little reminder that I’m not a totally lost cause and can still keep that little spark of hope alive for the future. Nic is my temporary solution and I’m his – without the need to make demands upon each other, we are having fun and boosting each other’s morale. I really think I can help him if I can succeed in getting him to talk about the past. The bit he doesn’t want to share. It could be the real start of letting go of his negativity.