by Lucy Coleman
‘I suppose, the next action point is to think about what you want and make a plan. I need to concentrate on building myself a new career and this time around it’s not about pleasing anyone else. Yes, I need to pay the bills, but it has to be something that fires me up. Freedom is empowering, but it’s also a huge responsibility. I’m lucky that I don’t have a wife, or kids, to mix into the equation. I have plenty of time to sort myself out before I begin to think about a relationship, again. Next time around, and my final item on the list, is to listen to my gut instincts more often. If it looks too good to be true, then it generally is and I was guilty of seeing what I wanted to see, instead of the truth. We all fear rejection; getting hurt dents our confidence and, often, our hearts. It will change the way we look at things, but after the disillusionment phase comes an awakening of sorts. When I give my heart to someone I will be very sure it’s forever, but I’ll also understand that forever means one day at a time, with each new day being a renewal of that commitment. Forever is a destination that stretches out ahead of you.’
I’d had to brush away a stray tear, then, as Nic’s words had gone straight to my heart. Yes, it was going to be perfect for the article, but more importantly he was firmly back in control.
‘Hello.’ Olwen’s voice breaks my thoughts and I compose myself as she walks through into the kitchen.
‘Sorry, I’ve disturbed you.’
‘No, it’s fine. I was just going over some of my interview stuff. All walks of life, all age groups and all situations. A lot of joy, but some sadness, too.’
There’s no point in trying to hide the fact that I feel a little emotional this morning.
‘Well, as long as it’s work and there’s nothing wrong between you and Nic. I thought I’d give the bathroom a clean and generally whip the vacuum around. Is that all right with you?’
‘Fine, but sit and have a coffee first. I know Mondays are really hectic, so take ten minutes to rest those legs.’
I pop the kettle on, noticing that Olwen seems more than happy to ease herself into the chair for a break.
‘Thank you, Tia, that’s very kind of you. I’ve been on the go since five this morning and I haven’t had time to grab a drink, yet. I should be stick thin, really, as I rarely stop for long.’
I open a packet of biscuits and place them in front of her, swiftly followed by a mug of strong coffee.
‘You’re an angel. Biscuits keep me going and will be the first thing I cut out on my next diet. I will miss you when you go back to London. Your presence brings a bit of life and optimism back to Holly Cove.’
‘And, if I’m being totally honest with you, it’s hard for me to walk away. But Nic’s batteries are recharging and I think you are going to see a lot of changes in him over the coming weeks. Max has been away for a few days, but even he might notice when he returns.’
Olwen sits, cradling her mug.
‘Oil and water need to be kept apart if you don’t want a disaster. Did Max say where he was going?’
I can feel myself frowning as I’m not sure what she means and why there should be any trouble. Max is a little withdrawn at times, but he’s harmless enough.
‘No, I don’t think he did mention it. He’s a kind man, though, and you were right; he did invite me in for a quick look inside one of his cabins.’
‘He doesn’t take to many folk, but I knew he’d make time for you.’
‘Why?’
‘You’re good for Nic and that fact won’t have been missed. Oh my – look at the time! Thanks for the little chat. I was a bit worried Friday’s meeting would upset things, but clearly you seem fine. And now I really must get on.’
As Olwen grabs her cleaning materials and heads off upstairs, my phone pings.
Finlay isn’t flaunting his F1 jaunt, surprise, surprise. Your name is the buzzword today and he’s seething. Make sure you call Clarissa this morning as she’s out of the office from noon. Hope you found someone to celebrate with at the weekend! Surfer guys can be fun company, I hear.
I can’t believe I’d totally forgotten about making the call!
I’m grateful for the heads-up. I’ll phone Clarissa shortly. I celebrated in style and you would approve, but my lips are sealed.
Well, that’s no fun!
Oh, but it was, I can assure you.
I laugh out loud as I can imagine her reaction and sheer frustration at not knowing what’s going on at this end. It is important she thinks I’m living it up a little. If Clarissa throws out one of her straight to the point questions that Hayley can’t sidestep, hopefully she will say I’m working hard but also having a good time. Actually, that’s the truth, anyway. Admittedly, thoughts of Mum are never very far away, but when I start to feel angry that she was taken from me, I flick a switch inside my head. It’s too early to be able to let the memories flow, as it doesn’t help at the moment. I can’t enjoy trawling through the archives of my mind without stirring up some very raw emotions.
Thoughts of Will pop into my head and I know that Mum wouldn’t harbour a grudge for what happened. Maybe he never really managed to let go after we lost Dad and that’s why he couldn’t accept it when Mum and Ed grew close. It was a purely selfish perspective, because loneliness is an awful thing and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I wonder if Will is sorry now for the way he reacted and for the years he didn’t have with her. A wave of nostalgia rolls over me and I find myself dialling his number. He won’t be at home, I know that, but Sally is easier to talk to, anyway. It rings several times before she picks up.
‘Hi, Sally, it’s Tia. How are you all?’
‘Oh, Tia, I think Will meant to give you a call over the weekend, but it ended up being rather hectic here. Bella had a sleepover Saturday night and I don’t think any of us had more than an hour’s sleep. I’ve just collected her from school a little early as she has a dental appointment.’
I try to imagine what Bella looks like now and know that if we passed in the street she wouldn’t recognise me, or I, her. That hurts and it’s something I need to change once I’m back home.
‘Sounds like she had fun then, and I hope that appointment goes well. I thought I’d check with you how Will is doing. The sadness can be a little overwhelming at times and it must be difficult for him … given the circumstances. But Mum never stopped loving him, or thinking about you and Bella. I hope he knows that.’
There’s a brief pause. ‘He has so many regrets, Tia. I know how much he’s hurting and how angry he is with himself. It has changed the way he looks at everything now and he actually talked to Bella about you the other day. He said you were going to come and visit us. Is that true?’
‘Last time we spoke we talked about that and he admitted Mum wouldn’t want us to be distant.’
‘Well, that’s a real breakthrough and I’m so happy to hear it. He needs you, Tia, and as a family we should be supporting each other through this sad time. Bella doesn’t really understand what happened as she was too young when Will cut the ties. When are you coming back to London?’
‘My last day here is the second of July. It’s going to be frenetic when I get back. I’m stepping into my boss’s shoes for a while, but I will make that visit happen sooner, rather than later.’
‘Don’t mistake Will’s silence for lack of concern, Tia. It’s an uphill climb for him and he has to learn to forgive himself for the decisions he made and the things he said. He’s a proud man and a good one, but everyone makes mistakes.’
I know that, but it’s great to hear that Sally understands it too.
‘Maybe it’s best not to mention the fact that I called. He’ll call me again when he wants to talk.’
‘I don’t think you’ll have to wait too long, Tia. And I’m glad to hear you have so much going on, because you have to get through this phase as best you can. You deserve your success and I know how hard this will have been for you. Your mum was a wonderful person. All any mum wants for their children is to see them using their potential to
the full and leading a happy life.’
Knowing that Sally is there for Will every step of the way means a lot and I know she’ll look after him, as he looks after her and Bella. Some of life’s lessons are harsher than others, that’s for sure.
‘Thank you for understanding and being so supportive. Will is a very lucky man to have you by his side, Sally. It’s all a bit of a mess still, but we’ll work through it. I don’t suppose I could have a quick chat with Bella?’
‘Of course you can! She’ll be delighted.’
The muffled sounds of walking confirm that Sally is now seeking out her daughter and after a few moments I hear her speaking.
‘It’s Aunty Tia on the phone and she’d like to speak to you, Bella.’
I hear an excited little squeal.
‘Hi, Aunty Tia. How are you?’
Ah, she sounds so grown-up now and so polite. Her sweet little voice puts an instant smile on my face.
‘I’m good, thank you, Bella. You’ve grown quite a bit since I last saw you I suspect. How is school going?’
A slightly muffled response soon clears as she moves the phone from one hand to another.
‘Good. My teacher gave me three house points this week for volunteering to be a tidy-up helper. And now the reds are in the lead!’
Just to hear her enthusiasm tweaks my heart as I consider how much I’ve missed since Will cut me off.
‘Wow – that sounds like an important job and well done the reds.’
‘Oh, it is important, Aunty Tia. You have to check everyone’s desks and make sure nothing is left out because it’s not fair on the cleaners. They don’t have time to be moving things around because we don’t tidy away properly.’
She sounds so serious that I find myself suppressing a chuckle.
‘I’m very proud of you, Bella, I hope you know that. And it’s good to hear that your teacher appreciates your help as that’s quite a responsibility. Do you still love to draw?’
‘Oh, yes. But I’m also learning to play the piano and the recorder. There’s an after-school music club and I go there with my best friend, Alice. We have sleepovers, too.’
Sally said Will had mentioned me recently, but she must talk about me too, from time to time, because Bella doesn’t sound distant at all, just pleased to catch me up with her news.
‘Well, I hope I can see you really soon.’
‘I’d love that, Aunty Tia. I wish you didn’t live so far away.’
Her little voice wavers a little and suddenly Sally jumps back in, taking over the phone but speaking directly at Bella.
‘Don’t worry, Bella, we’ll sort something out. I promise. Now, off you go to get your coat as we mustn’t be late for the dentist.’
I reassure Sally that I will make that visit happen as soon as I possibly can.
The natural order of things revolves around the cycle of birth and death, but as with the seasons, there is a fundamental reason for everything that happens. It simply strikes me as so very, very sad that it took Mum’s death to begin the process of healing old wounds.
26
Highs and Lows
It’s a long and busy week. Not least because of an unexpected email from Veronica breaking the news that she’s leaving Liam. She assured me that they had discussed the article and were in agreement that it should go ahead, especially as they didn’t intend sharing their “news” with friends and family until the New Year. She sounded prosaic about it, saying he was in love with someone else and while she was gutted, you can’t make someone love you back just because you love them. It was such a poignant, heartfelt email and I felt awful having to contact Liam direct to get his authority not to pull the article. But from a data protection point of view that was necessary. He came back with a oneliner ‘Fine by me to go ahead’ and that was it. I guess it would have been too embarrassing to have to explain to people why the article wasn’t appearing. My conscience prickled a little but when the article comes out they will still officially be together and so I looked at it pragmatically.
Nic is still helping out at the farm once his shift finishes and then he heads back to the cottage. He works away upstairs in his office, while I work downstairs and we settle into a nice little routine.
The police have confirmed that two separate sets of fingerprints found up at the farm could be linked to a growing string of other breakins. However, the official statement that appeared in the local paper confirmed the investigations were ongoing. Which means they still have no clues at all about who is behind it all so for the time being everyone stays on alert.
When I spoke to Clarissa at the start of the week she said she never doubted for one moment that I was the right person to take her place while she’s away. It did send a little thrill coursing through my veins at the thought and what it represented. You spend years working towards that final goal and suddenly it’s in sight.
I asked her to put me through to Hayley, who said the mood in the office had completely turned around, now people knew their jobs were safe. And I was right, Clarissa did quiz her about how things were going down in Caswell Bay. She’s well aware we are friends, aside from work colleagues. Hayley admitted she was a little shocked, saying that Clarissa wanted to be kept up to date with any developments.
‘Does Clarissa know something about that seemingly sleepy little village that you aren’t choosing to share? You aren’t going to come back engaged, or anything, are you?’
She sounded hopeful and I soon dispelled that thought, although I was a little annoyed to think Clarissa was spying on me. When we talked she was so positive, but obviously I have to keep delivering in order to allay any fears she might have that I’m not ready, mentally. I then sent Nic’s bank details to accounts and asked if they could speed through his payment. It usually takes at least a month to go through the system, but I pulled a few strings and they promised to have it sent out within the next seven days. After all, a few more weeks and people will be jumping to my commands and not Clarissa’s. OK, so I’m more of a people-person and have a gentler approach, but I still know exactly what to do to make things happen.
With an interview scheduled for this morning, there’s plenty to do, but I’ve been a little worried about Max. His few days away have stretched out into a week. Well, today it will be eight days. Every time I take a break from the laptop I wander across to the window, looking out in the hope that I’ll see his boat anchored in the bay.
Just after lunch, as I’m about to turn away from the window and return to work, I’m relieved to see Max trudging past the cottage with a carrier bag of groceries in each hand. I decide to finish up what I’m doing and then saunter down to the beach for a walk. I could do with some fresh air anyway and if he wants to have a chat I’m sure he’ll appear.
Today the weather has changed and it’s overcast again, but mild. There’s a light breeze coming off the sea which is refreshing, rather than invigorating. I stroll down to the water’s edge, picking up the odd pebble and trying to skim it across the water. It’s something I remember Will doing whenever we took a trip to the seaside and he made it look so easy. But that seems like another lifetime.
‘Clearing your head?’
I hadn’t even realised Max was on the beach, I was so caught up in my thoughts.
‘Hey, Max. You were right, it does help. There’s something so therapeutic about watching the waves cresting and the tide coming in and out. When you stand still and listen to the sound it’s so calming: it seems to blot out everything else.’
We stand, side by side, looking out at the heaving grey mass that, today, looks cold and uninviting.
‘Do you miss it on the days you aren’t out there fishing?’
He nods, turning to look at me and there’s a sadness behind those gentle, greyish-blue eyes, which makes my stomach do a somersault. Whatever it is that has happened has ignited some inner conflict.
‘It’s the only time I feel at peace. It’s not just about the fishing, it’s about be
ing out there surrounded by nothing but the sea. Once my feet step off dry land and I’m looking back towards the shoreline, I feel like I’ve stepped away from the world for a while.’
I let a few minutes pass before I comment.
‘Everyone needs a sanctuary. Either some place they can go, or something they enjoy doing to take a break away from it all. I like that analogy, about stepping away from the world for a while. When I first came here it was more about wanting to run away; to run away and hide. In some ways, I wish I could slow down time to prolong my visit here, but on the other hand I’m keen to get back to the life I know.’
‘Hiding isn’t a solution, is it, Tia? Even here, life catches up with us all, eventually.’
I watch as Max scuffs at the sand with the toe of his boot. Making little ripples on the, otherwise smooth, surface.
‘Is it something you can share?’ There, I’ve said the words and that’s all I can do.
Max stops mid-scuff and looks straight ahead.
‘Some things can’t be fixed, Tia, and it’s hard to accept that. I’m worn-down with the worry of it all and the guilt.’
I wonder what has gone so badly wrong that Max has chosen to give up on it. Whatever it is has hit him hard. I wonder if it’s to do with his family and why they disowned him. Maybe they can’t understand that after a life spent mostly at sea, this is the only place he feels at home. Ideally, people head into retirement knowing they can enjoy a newfound freedom from a lifetime of constraints. Suddenly there is time to do all those things you’ve always longed to do. I vaguely remember him saying that he was an embarrassment to his ex-wife and son, because of the lifestyle he had chosen. Was he looking for reconciliation and now his hopes have been dashed? Or was it the other way around and his refusal to conform to their rules has severed that connection once and for all?
‘I’m sorry for your troubles, Max. Is there really no way to patch it up, or start afresh?’
He lets out a noise that’s rather like a low groan and I freeze, horrified to think I’ve said the wrong thing. But I can see he isn’t angry.