Bisschop Lapp and the others rose. Johann and James shook hands with Reuben while Lapp waited impatiently. Then Reuben escorted the three men to the door, leaving Jenny and Jerusha sitting at the table in stunned silence.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The Declaration
THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED WERE gloomy ones in the Springer household. Jenny sat at her desk looking at her manuscript.
This is it? A year of effort put into this book, and now I can’t publish it?
It was as though her whole world had come crashing down.
I rebuilt my life around this book. I found joy and renewed strength to go on. Now what?
Bisschop Samuel’s visit brought everything to a halt, and now Jenny was drifting aimlessly through her days. She prayed and sought the Lord, but in spite of her importuning, she was slipping back into the terrible depression that had filled the first days after Jonathan’s accident. Then, a week after the meeting, she got a note from Jeremy.
Dear Jenny,
I have not heard from you in a week. What’s happening with the book? I’m ready to do the edits so I can get it back to you for revisions. Can you please contact me and let me know what’s up? I am eager to proceed.
Jeremy
“What can I do, Mama?” she asked Jerusha. “He wants to finish the book, which is perfectly understandable, but I feel like he’s been dishonest with me. I found out about his past in the most awkward way. It would have been much better if he and not Bisschop Lapp had told me he is under meidung.”
“Ja, it was wrong of him. You must talk with him and tell him that, for now, the relationship must be put on hold.”
Jenny was silent for a moment. “That’s what troubles me, Mama. I don’t want to put it on hold. I think…”
“What is it, dochter?”
When Jenny didn’t respond, Jerusha asked, “Jenny, do you have feelings for this man?”
Jenny flushed beet red and then went cold again. She had sensed a certain desire to be with Jeremy, but it had never occurred to her she might be developing “feelings” for him. The thought stunned her.
“I…I don’t know, Mama. I like Jeremy a lot. He’s kind and considerate, and I’m grateful for his friendship. I guess it could be that I have feelings for him, but then there are things that speak against it.”
“What would those be, Jenny?”
“First of all, I don’t have the same kind of feelings I had when I met Jonathan. The first time Jonathan took my hand it was like being struck by lightning. And after I got to know him, I could only always think about him.”
“And with Jeremy? What is that like?”
Jenny blushed again. “Mama, I don’t want to burden you with…personal things.”
Jerusha led Jenny to the kitchen table. “Kumme, dochter, zetsen sie sich.”
Jenny sat, wringing her hands. Jerusha placed her hands over Jenny’s to still them.
“We may be Amish, but we’re also women. We have feelings and desires, and it’s all right to speak of them, just between us. Now…what about Jeremy?”
Jenny started out slowly. She trusted her mama, but still it was hard to share what was in her heart.
“It’s not the same as with Jonathan. I like Jeremy, and I feel safe with him. He’s very handsome and very pleasant. He likes me very much, maybe too much, and I can’t help but respond to that.”
“And what are the other things that speak against you being with Jeremy?”
“He’s not Amish.”
“But he was Amish, and if you two decided that Gott was putting you together, it would be a simple thing for him to repent of whatever he did to be shunned. We Amish are very forgiving.”
“I’ve thought of that, Mama, but there’s one more thing…actually, the biggest thing of all.”
“Yes, Jenny?”
“I’ve never told anyone this before, but…I don’t think I’ve ever really let go of my hope that Jonathan might still be alive.”
Jenny saw the expression of surprise on Jerusha’s face but went on anyway.
“I know Gerald told me that the explosion went right through the part of the boat where Jonathan was sitting with his father and that nobody could have survived. But, Mama, Gerald survived! And if he survived, maybe Jonathan did too.”
Jenny put her face in her hands while Jerusha sat quietly. Then Jerusha spoke.
“Jenny, Jonathan has been gone for almost two years. He couldn’t still be alive. You must reconcile yourself to that fact.”
“Then why do I still feel so…so married, Mama? Why do I feel like he is always with me?”
Jerusha took her daughter’s hand.
“You were given a very special gift when Gott gave you Jonathan. I remember telling you a time might come when you would meet a man whom you loved so deeply that you would gladly surrender everything of yourself into his care and protection.”
“Yes, I remember when you told me that. And I especially remembered it when I knew that I had given my heart fully and forever to Jonathan. And that’s the problem. I gave him my heart, and I can’t seem to take it back. Even though he’s gone, I can’t break my promise to him. And that’s my dilemma with Jeremy. I can’t release my heart to another man. I don’t think I ever can.”
“Jenny, it will not be a sin if Gott brings another man for you to love. It won’t be Jonathan. But if it happens, you can accept this man’s love just as you accepted Jonathan’s. Gott did not make man or woman to be alone.”
“Then it must be that I’m just not ready yet. But when I’m with Jeremy, I miss the closeness I had with Jonathan. And I’m troubled by it. Perhaps it’s a good thing if I don’t see Jeremy anymore.”
“Well then, if you really feel you’re not ready, you must tell him. It’s the only right thing to do.”
Jenny sighed. “You are right, Mama. As always.”
Jeremy looked at Jenny across the coffee-shop table. “You are forbidden to let me publish your book? Are you kidding? Are we back in the dark ages?”
“No, Jeremy, we’re not in the dark ages. I’m Amish, and that’s the way things are. You should have told me you are under the bann. It has made things very complicated for me. I really shouldn’t even be here today, but I felt I needed to at least tell you what has happened.”
“This is unbelievable. The Lancaster church has followed me here to Ohio and is imposing that ridiculous shunning on me again?”
“Jeremy, please tell me why you were shunned. I must know. Maybe it’s not as serious as they made it seem, and you can go to them and repent. Bisschop Lapp wouldn’t be able to keep you out of the church.”
“Lapp? Do you mean Samuel Lapp?”
“Yes, he came here to help our bisschop start a new church in Dalton.”
“So Samuel Lapp is behind this. I should have known. He’s the only one who would know about me out here. He’s the one who had me shunned—and unfairly so.”
“Is that why you won’t repent?”
“I won’t repent of something I didn’t do.”
“Jeremy, you are speaking in riddles. You must tell me what happened.”
Jeremy looked down at his hands and flexed them. Then he looked back at Jenny. “Samuel Lapp and I were in love with the same girl. She favored me. When we passed rumspringa and I was baptized, Sarah and I talked openly about beginning an official courtship. Lapp couldn’t stand it. He got two of his toadies to swear with him that I was visiting…well, women of the evening.”
“And were you?”
“Jenny, how can you ask that? Of course not. But Lapp got the men to swear before the elders. I think he had something on them and pressured them into it. The elders put me under the bann until I confessed and repented. I tried to defend myself, but the false witnesses would not recant. I wouldn’t repent of something I didn’t do. So they excommunicated me.
“After Lapp had me put out, he went to Sarah’s father and asked to court her. His large landholdings and his position as the bisscho
p’s son swayed the man, and he consented. They were married, and that was that. I had no reason to return to the church, so I left Pennsylvania and came to Ohio and started Kerusso Publishing. And now that I’ve been out of the church for several years and had some success, I see no reason to return. I still love Christ, and I’ve found a way to glorify Him and help people come to a better understanding of Christianity and particularly the Amish church.”
“A better understanding?”
“Yes, Jenny. For some reason the world thinks the Amish are a perfect people who live faultless lives away from the world. They’ve romanticized the whole Amish lifestyle. But I know from personal experience that the Amish have as many troubles as people out in the world. Many of them aren’t even saved. They’re religious, but they don’t really know Christ. I want that for them, and I believe your book can help them. Your mother and father both had to find a saving relationship with Christ in order to endure the terrible ordeal of Jenna’s death and everything that happened afterward. It’s a wonderful story and needs to be told.”
Jenny listened to the impassioned words pour out of Jeremy. She saw his heart for the first time and was drawn by what he was saying. Then to Jenny’s surprise, Jeremy reached across the table and took her hand. She tried to pull her hand away for a moment, but he held it in a grip of steel and looked straight into her eyes.
“Jenny, there’s something else. I’ve struggled with this for several months, and I don’t know any other way to say it. I’m in love with you. I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You’re smart, full of life, and a brilliant writer. I know you’re still sold on the Amish way of life, but I can’t help that. I love you, Jenny, and I want to marry you.”
A crushing weight gripped Jenny’s heart. It was the moment she had dreaded and yet longed for. She felt a great struggle raging inside her. She missed the closeness of a married relationship. And yet….no, it could never be. I am still Amish and he is not. He will not go back. If we were to be together, I would have to leave my church.
She pulled her hand away and said, “Jeremy, I could almost surrender to you. Almost. But I can’t go against who I am—I’m Amish. Beyond that, I’m not ready to fall in love again. I still love Jonathan. Even though he’s been gone for two years, my heart is still his. It would not be right for me to give myself to you. You would always be playing second fiddle to Jonathan’s memory. No, Jeremy, I can’t marry you.”
Jenny got up to leave.
“But then what about the book, Jenny?”
“I don’t know, Jeremy. I will have to pray about that.”
Then she turned and walked away.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The Quilt
“WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME, Mama?” Jenny cried. Meine Leben wird alles verwechselt! What is Gott doing?”
Jenny flopped down on the sofa in the front room of the Springer home. Jerusha stood in the kitchen doorway, a bemused expression on her face. “I take it the meeting with Jeremy was upsetting?”
“Upsetting? It was more than upsetting. I felt like I was in the middle of a hay baler—getting scooped up and tossed around and wrapped up and spit out. It was terrible.”
Jerusha sighed.
“Mama, Jeremy asked me to marry him!”
“So you were right about his feelings for you.”
“Yes, Mama. And he was so persuasive, it would have been so easy to just surrender and turn my life over to him. He’s smart and successful, he could make a home for Rachel and me, and he would be a good husband.”
“Did you find out why he is under the meidung?”
“Yes. According to Jeremy, the bisschop isn’t the paragon of virtue he pretends to be.”
“What?”
“If what Jeremy told me is true—and I do believe him—before Samuel Lapp was bisschop, he forced Jeremy out of the Lancaster church so he could marry the girl Jeremy was in love with. He lied about Jeremy and got some others to back him up. Jeremy is reconciled to what happened, but he won’t repent of something he says he didn’t do.”
“If what you say is true, ist es ein schreckliches Ding.”
“Yes, it is terrible. I thought the Amish were different, but it seems we are not.”
“You can’t judge a whole church by one man’s actions, Jenny.”
“I know, but he’s a bisschop! He should be an example. I didn’t like him from the first moment he spoke, and I remember Papa had to control his anger at our meeting. For a moment, when he insulted you, I thought Papa was going to hit him.”
“Yes, and Bisschop Lapp would not have fared too well. I have seen what Reuben can do to a man when he is protecting me.”
Jenny looked at her mama in surprise. “You saw Papa hit someone?”
“It was a long time ago, Jenny. It was just after we met at my grossmudder’s funeral. I was walking through the woods to the village, and two men accosted me. Just as they were about to pull me into the woods, Reuben appeared out of nowhere. Those men didn’t stand a chance. Before I could even say a word, Reuben stretched them out on the ground.”
“Papa did?”
“Yes, but I should not have said anything. You will think badly of him. He was very young and not in the church at the time. In fact, it was just before he went to be a soldier.”
“I don’t think badly of him, Mama. In fact, I think it’s very romantic.”
Jerusha smiled and blushed at the memory. “Yes, it was. I have never admitted that to anyone before, so please keep my secret. But go on about your meeting with Jeremy.”
“There’s not much more to say. The book is not going to be published, I hurt Jeremy’s feelings by turning him down, and I’ve earned the enmity of a bisschop of our church. What else could go wrong? Mama, everything is all mixed up, and I don’t know what to do.”
Jerusha looked at Jenny thoughtfully for a moment. “Kommen Sie mit mir,” she said. Then she turned and walked back to her sewing room with Jenny following her.
Jerusha knelt down at the old cedar chest and opened it. She pulled out some pieces of fabric and batting and laid them aside until she got to the bottom. She took out a package wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, setting it to one side. Then she put everything back into the chest and closed it.
“Is that the quilt?” Jenny asked.
“Ja, it is,” Jerusha replied. “The story of the Springer family seems to be sewn into this quilt, and I wanted us to look at it again. Maybe we can find some perspective in the midst all of this wahnsinn.”
Jerusha unwrapped the package reverently. Inside was the magnificent Rose of Sharon quilt. She unfolded it and laid it out on the floor. The beautiful red silk rose glowed in the morning light streaming in through the window. The lovely royal blue background was set off perfectly by the cream-colored backing. The double layer of batting inside was thick and warm.
“Mama, it’s so beautiful. It’s the nicest quilt you ever made.”
“Ja, it is, but I had a great deal of help with this quilt. Even when I was making it, du lieber Gott was leading me. I thought I was making it for Jenna, but it was for you.”
“I wish I would have known Jenna. I always wanted a sister.”
“I don’t know why Gott didn’t give us more children. I think it’s because He wanted us to concentrate on you. And He was so gracious to tell us the story of your life through the quilt. I wish I had been more attentive to His prompting when you were young. I almost missed what He was trying to show me about you. The whole time you were growing up, the quilt was right in front of my eyes. Du lieber Gott kept trying to use it to show me about your life, but it was like I was deaf and dumb. You were so much a part of us from the first day I found you that I didn’t even think about the possibility that you came to us wounded and in need of healing.”
“But you finally saw when I was in danger?”
“Ja. It was so important for you to find your birth mother, but Reuben and I didn’t understand. We just thought
you had gotten a crazy idea into your head and were being very stubborn about it.”
“Well, it’s not like I wasn’t stubborn in those days.”
“Ja, you were, Jenny. And I’m grateful that you were. If you hadn’t been so stubborn, you would have given up your search, and your life would be very different.”
“And the Lord showed you about my life by using the quilt as a picture you could understand?”
“Ja, and that’s why I’ve gotten it out today. Something about this quilt is so special. It’s not like any other I have made. The materials I used are definitely not the Amish way. We would never use such worldly fabric. But I was going to leave the church, so when I found the red and blue silk, my pride and stubbornness overcame what wisdom I might have had, and I used it in the quilt. If I had actually gotten to display it at the Dalton fair that year, it would have caused viel klatsch among the women of our village.”
Jenny took the quilt in her hands and turned it over, inspecting each part. “And then you ruined it when you rescued me. But see! You have repaired it so wonderfully that I can’t even see where the damage was.”
Jerusha pointed to a small, almost invisible stain near the border between the blue and the cream. “Here there was a very large stain.”
She turned up a corner and pointed to a barely visible serpentine stitch. “And here I had to replace the batting I tore out to start the fire that saved us, and then I had to restitch this whole corner.”
Jenny looked closely, but only when Jerusha actually put her finger on the repaired place did she see it.
“This was where I started to repair—inside, in the secret place of the quilt. I remember exactly what He said to me. ‘My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.’
Jenny's Choice (Apple Creek Dreams #3) Page 11