by Reber, Tina
It didn’t take Ryan long to see the confusion on my face.
“He’s another actor I met when we started filming. Did you ever see Watchtower?”
“No,” I said sheepishly, slightly embarrassed that I had never seen any of his movies.
He gave me a disapproving look. “Well, you didn’t miss much. I died a horrible death in battle. Then I did this timeless piece.” He put the DVD back on the shelf.
“While my scenes were being edited down to just about nothing, I started the first Seaside. I just wrapped on a film called Reparation a few weeks ago. Did you hear of that one yet?” he asked teasingly.
I felt guilty – that surely meant I must have looked guilty too. “I’ve heard of Watchtower and Seaside - does that count?”
“I may have to deduct a few points,” he informed.
Ryan resumed perusing my music selection, occasionally slipping out a CD to look at it.
“I wanted to buy this one,” he said, holding a jewel case up for me to see.
“You can borrow it if you’d like. I have it on my iPod.”
“Can I borrow this one too… and this one?” He started to make a pile in his hand.
I smiled and nodded at his choices, pleasantly surprised that we had the same taste in music.
“Cool… some new music for my iPhone.” He grinned. “Wait, the CD is missing from this case.”
“That one is in the player.” I pointed to the shelf. “Take it out.”
He nestled back into the couch and shoved eight of my CDs into his bag. Happiness fluttered inside me knowing he had a reason to come back.
He spent the next few minutes looking at me, then back at the TV, then back at me again – smiling the entire time. I wished I knew what he was thinking. He leaned over and grabbed the pillow, tucking it next to his leg.
“Why don’t you lie down for a while? You should rest.”
I was tired and lying down sounded like a good idea. I grabbed the blanket, pulled it up over my shoulder, and stretched my legs out on the couch. Now that the urge to throw up was gone, it felt good to relax. Ryan rested his arm on top of mine.
We were watching some program about ghosts, but I could tell that Ryan was looking mostly at me. He curled his hand and softly brushed my cheek. It seemed that he was almost frightened to touch me; his hand seemed so hesitant. I didn’t know if he was testing himself or me.
I could feel his confidence grow as he ran his fingers through my hair. We were definitely becoming more than friends. I was so relaxed by his touch that it was hard to keep my eyes open.
Ryan’s voice pulled me from the haze. He called someone to get a ride to the hotel. I wondered why he just didn’t walk.
“I’m gonna get going. I have to work tomorrow and so do you.” He gathered his things and I walked him down to the back door.
“Thanks for taking me fishing. I had a great time.”
“Me too.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in for a nice hug. His hand held my face as he quickly kissed my cheek. He didn’t linger. I was surprised that he didn’t try to kiss me. It appeared that he was conflicted. I could relate… the line between just friends and something more was definitely blurred today.
“See you.” I waved as he hopped into the waiting car.
That night I had the most beautiful dreams.
“Are you feeling better today?” Marie asked when she came in at four p.m. to start her shift behind the bar, her eyes assessed my appearance.
“Yes, much,” I replied. “I think I got food poisoning from the lobster. Either that or it was the bagged salad.”
“Did Ryan get sick too?” she wondered aloud.
“Yeah, we both were really sick, but he seemed to get over it quicker. I stopped for pizza on the way back from the cabin but after I ate a slice it just sat in my stomach like a brick. I’m sorry for last night… I didn’t want them to cancel poker on my account.”
“Don’t apologize! You were sick. It happens. Besides, Gary and I had an awesome good time anyway, if ya know what I mean.” She winked at me and held up three fingers.
“Three?” I gasped in amazement. “You or him?”
“Me, of course!” She smiled and bobbed her head.
“That accomplishment deserves a high-five!” I reached over to slap my hand into hers.
“So did you rack up any numbers yourself this weekend… all alone in the forest with Prince Charming?”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not like that. We just took the boat out on the lake.”
“When are you going to see him again? I presume you are going to see him again?” she prodded.
“I don’t know. He’s working. I’m working. I guess I’ll see him Sunday.” I shrugged and continued to hustle behind the bar. “We didn’t make any plans. Besides, he won’t be sticking around here anyway. A couple of more weeks and he’ll be gone.”
Thoughts of him leaving surged through my brain like wildfire and burned all the way down my throat and into my heart. This friendship with him, these feelings growing inside of me for him, in reality all had an expiration date looming.
Even though I was mostly trying to enjoy the moment, the knowledge that the moments wouldn’t last forever was still overshadowing everything else.
I went about my day, but my heart felt like it was burning.
I had taken care of business – Tammy and I spoke and we finalized the dinner menu for Sunday.
I placed an advertisement in the local newspaper for a part-time weekend bartender and hung a ‘Help Wanted’ sign that I made on my computer in the front window.
“Marie, I’m going to hire a part-time bartender,” I said as I taped the sign on the glass. “I think we could use an extra set of hands on Fridays and Saturdays. It’s getting to be too much for you and me to handle alone, and Tammy doesn’t want to work every weekend.”
“Sounds good to me. We’ve been getting slammed lately,” she agreed.
“Yeah, just while the movie stuff is still going on. Once they all leave, we probably won’t need the help, but I think it’s too much for just the two of us.”
Marie flipped the channels on the television until she got to the local news. It was mostly background noise to me until the reporter mentioned the words “Seaside movie.”
“Over one hundred people had to be removed from the remote beach location where the second installment of the Seaside movie was being filmed today. Dedicated fans are desperate to get any glimpse of the film’s all-star cast, including the movie’s lead actor, Ryan Christensen.
“Local police were called to the scene after several individuals breached the closed movie set and charged onto the beach. Police officers from at least two local municipalities were assisted by officers from the State Police to manage the crowd and at this time two women have reportedly been taken into police custody.
“The women were stopped by on-set security and members of the production team as they attempted to reach Mr. Christensen and Ms. Strass while they were filming. Reports from eye witnesses who were at the scene indicated that at least one of the women allegedly yelled obscenities and death threats at Ms. Strass, although it is unknown at this time the content of those threats.”
The camera cut to four police officers who had two women in custody and were escorting them into the police station.
In an instant I was concerned for Ryan and his safety, but I fought back the urge to call him. Even though I had his number from all the text messages he sent, I didn’t want to repeat past mistakes. I wasn’t going to chase after any man. I made a pledge to myself at that moment that I wouldn’t commit his phone number to my cell phone memory.
The fact that I cared and wanted to know how he was doing meant that I was already too attached to him. When he finally does leave Seaport, it will be even that much harder for me to cope.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket several times throughout the n
ight just to make sure I didn’t miss a call, but he never called like he said he would. I wondered what had happened to keep him from calling me. Maybe I’m just misreading our connections or making them out to be more than what they really are. I truly hoped he wasn’t busy making new connections with some other girl. What am I doing? I chastised myself. I can’t let my guard down. I need to stop this.
I thought about the boyfriends that I had in the past and reviewed why none of those relationships ever lasted. I realized that I had made some typical girl mistakes with some of them… being too needy or too clingy or just trying too damn hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. I was too young at the time to truly understand what healthy relationships were all about.
Some of my relationships ended because after the sex we realized that we had nothing else in common. There were no other threads to hold us in place.
I broke up with Tim when I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted for my future. He was the type of guy who only cared about himself and his needs. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, but I did want someone to love me enough to try.
When I was with Dean, his broken heart became my mission to fix. He was a few years older than me and had already been married once and on his way through a divorce. He also had a three-year-old son caught in the mix.
I really cared for his little boy. When I was around him I tried to be a good stand-in mother, until Dean reminded me one day that I wasn’t his son’s mother and that he had no intentions to ever have another child with anyone. That was when he stopped touching me.
My engagement with Thomas ended harshly, with bitter words and horrible accusations. I remembered all too clearly walking into his apartment to find him in bed with someone else. I’m pretty sure he planned it that way. He let me be the one to end the relationship so he wouldn’t have to. Me barging in on him gave him one more reason to think his affairs were justified.
Even though I thought I was in love with these men at one time or another, I don’t think I truly ever was. There was always something missing - that cosmic, soul mate connection; the feeling that the two parts make a whole.
I didn’t want someone who would have to force himself to love me or for me to pretend that I loved him back. I had always hoped that love would be mutually instinctual and natural – as easy as breathing.
I turned the light out on my nightstand when I had enough of thinking about my past failures.
One thing was for sure: Ryan had resurrected that one part of my heart that still clung to the hope of love’s possibilities.
I was dreaming about my father and wondered why he wasn’t answering the phone. The telephone was on the table right next to his favorite chair in the living room where he was sitting. Was he sleeping in his chair? Dad, answer the phone!
I opened my eyes to realize that it was my cell phone that was ringing.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice sounded rough from just waking.
“Were you still sleeping?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah. What time is it?” I looked to my nightstand for the clock. It was 8:42.
“Quarter to nine,” he muttered. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”
“No, that’s okay. How are you?” I hoped he was safe.
“I’m all right. Sorry I didn’t call you yesterday. I fell asleep in my trailer and I slept all the way until eight this morning. I thought you might have tried calling me.”
“Oh, good. So you’re all right?” I questioned, sitting up in bed.
“Yeah. Why?” He sounded confused.
“There was something on the news last night about some girls getting arrested? I was so worried about you!” I couldn’t control the magnitude of my concern.
“Why didn’t you call me then?” he asked.
I didn’t answer right away. I thought about what I was going to say. “Ryan, I don’t want to bother you. You have enough to deal with.”
“Huh. Taryn, you can call me anytime you want. Don’t ever feel like you’re bothering me. Just so you know, I turn my phone off when I’m filming, but as soon as I see I missed your call I’ll call you back.”
I shook my head in silence. Every time I initiated the telephone calls with guys in the past, eventually they would make me feel like I was pestering or smothering them. I had heard the words “I just need some space” mentioned before, and it was pretty much a guarantee that they would end up running in the opposite direction after that. Ryan would be leaving soon enough; I didn’t want to give him one more reason to run faster.
“Taryn, are you still there?” He sounded annoyed.
“Yes, I’m still here.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” he stated directly. “Are you afraid to call me?”
“I can’t,” I whispered. My reply was so truthful on many levels.
“What do you mean you can’t?”
“I don’t have your number.” I hoped my lie sounded convincing.
“You’re a bad liar, you know that? Good thing you’re not an actress, ‘cause you’d be out of work.” He chuckled. “My number has been on every text I sent you. Huh, this is so strange. People I don’t want to talk to call me all the time but the one person I really want to hear from is afraid to call me. The next time I see you, I’m going to program your phone. I may even put in my own ringtone just to irritate you.”
“Is that a threat or a promise?” I tried to lighten the conversation.
“Oh, that’s definitely a promise! Then you won’t have any excuses,” he snickered. “So let’s practice today, shall we? I have to work the entire day. I’m scheduled to shoot until eleven o’clock but I have a dinner break around seven. I expect to hear my phone ring sometime between seven and seven thirty. That gives you a half hour window of flexibility to call at your convenience. Now, answer this question truthfully. Do you still have my text messages or did you delete them all?”
“No, I still have them.” I smiled.
“Then you, sweetheart, have no excuse… unless you just don’t want to talk to me? Shit, I didn’t consider that, but now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I should ask. Do you want to see me or not?”
I want to see you more than you could ever imagine. I took a deep breath. Keep it light, Taryn.
“We’re friends, right? Why wouldn’t I want to see you?”
“Phew,” he breathed. “That’s a relief. Good, so um, what did the news report have to say about what happened on set?”
“The reporter said that the police had to remove a hundred or so fans from the set and two women were arrested. Apparently one of them threatened Suzanne? Were you there when it happened?”
“Yeah, I was. We were shooting a scene on the beach but I was watching the playback reel when it happened. I heard someone yelling, but I had headphones on so I didn’t hear what was said.”
“The news didn’t mention what was said either. Just that the one girl yelled some obscenities and threats at Suzanne. They showed footage of the two girls that were arrested.”
“You’re kidding me?” Ryan groaned.
“I hope you have extra security on hand, because some of these fans are terrifying,” I urged. “Wanting pictures and autographs is one thing, but death threats are completely another.”
“Yeah, I was told last night that there would be additional private security brought in while we’re here.” I could hear the anger enter into his tone. There was a loud rap on his door. “Hang on,” I heard him shout out.
“Tar – I got to go. Are you going to call me tonight?”
“Yes. During your dinner break. I promise.”
I was too awake to try to go back to sleep. The sound of his voice had already stimulated my blood. I wandered out to the living room, sat down at my desk, and turned my laptop on. I had to reconcile the cash register receipts and enter it into my log.
My e-mail was filled again with thirty new messages, mostly from Uncle Al, who recently got his first computer after fifty-five years.
Between him and a few other relatives, they were trying to corner the market on bad e-mail jokes.
There was one new message from Marie, with a tempting subject line: “Ryan in Seaside.”
“You should watch this. This is one of the best scenes from his movie. And since you haven’t seen it yet, you should at least know how good of an actor he is. This is why all the girls want him.”
Inside was a link to a website to watch a video.s
My index finger hovered over my mouse. Do I want to see this or not? My finger had a mind of its own and it clicked the button.
The video loaded. Ryan was lurking around some dark hallways in what appeared to be a dismal castle. He had a large, silver gun in his hand with one of those silencer attachments; his gun was raised and ready to fire. Suzanne was wearing some tattered clothes and she was pressed to his side as they slid down the dark wall. It was apparent that he was protecting her.
“I think they’re all gone,” Ryan said. “Gwen, what were you thinking coming here?”
Suzanne gazed up seductively into his eyes.
“How can I protect you? Tell me!” Ryan begged urgently.
“Just love me Charles,” Suzanne whispered.
He pressed her against the wall and kissed her passionately. The vision of him kissing another woman made me wince. She pushed him back, shoving him into the opposing wall while still kissing him.
Ryan’s kiss was hungry. “If you love me like you say you do, you’ll stay alive for me,” he breathed out.
It was hard to watch him like this. It wasn’t him… it wasn’t the same man who made toast for me or felt my forehead. I struggled with the thought of seeing Ryan this way.
I had seen plenty of movies over the years and the skill of the actors portraying the different characters was so amazing that you didn’t realize that you were watching “acting.” But every person who has ever been in a movie is still, at the end of the day, someone’s son or daughter, a husband or a wife, a lover, a sister, a mother or father.
There was no denying that Ryan was extremely good looking and the character he portrayed on the screen was definitely sexy and appealing. But the character was make-believe. Charles didn’t exist. He was created on paper and scripted to be alive. Ryan gave him life, but Ryan was not Charles.