by Suzan Battah
The front gate creaked as she pushed it open. She walked through the immaculate landscaped gardens and found them beautifully arranged, neat, and carefully maintained. Julia had to admit she liked the house already, even before she saw the inside.
“The owners of this property are moving to LA next week,” the agent announced. “They have a price set, but are willing to negotiate. There is a tennis court, pool, and spa, six large bedrooms all with walk-in closets, and there’s plenty of land. And there is a gorgeous view out onto the water from the main bedroom.” He guided them through the front door. “There is a great area out the back for entertaining, and the high fence will ensure your privacy, Mr. Augustine.”
Julia could tell Chris liked the house a lot. His expression suggested he would be happy signing the deal right then and there, even before he knew the price— of course, Chris was rich. He didn’t have to worry about the price.
Julia hadn’t grown up wealthy, so she was a little more careful. But as they continued to inspect the property, she fell in love with the place. It felt very homey, and she started to visualize where furniture would go. The open plan ensured a spacious area to live and that made it very appealing to her. There was warmth in the place that the previous properties didn’t have. The owners had truly made this their home.
“Let’s go look at the bedrooms.” Chris took her hand, pulling her up the massive staircase. When the agent wasn’t looking, he gave Julia a wicked smile, lowering his voice. “What do you think about waking up here? With me?”
“Well, it’s….”
Julia couldn’t answer because they had reached the top of the stairs and through the open doorway of the main bedroom, the scene of the tide rolling in came into view. “Oh! It’s beautiful.” She could definitely wake up to this every morning with Chris next to her. The prospect took her breath away. “I love it. It feels like a home.”
“I want it.” Chris wrapped his arms around her waist, while they both gazed at the view. “I’m glad you like it. That makes it a lot easier, we both love it.”
“So what do you think?” The agent joined them, standing back with a wide smile on his face.
They turned at the same time. Julia knew he had overheard their conversation.
“I’ll get it,” Chris responded.
He was jumping in too quick. She couldn’t speak at first. The agent looked overjoyed with Chris’ quick decision, nodding and offering his congratulations. He was too impulsive.
“Wait.” She was finally able to speak.
“Have the contract sent over to the Augustine.” Chris frowned at her, raising a questioning brow.
Julia couldn’t grasp what possessed her to halt him, but she did. She stopped Chris as he began to pull out his wallet to hand over a business card.
“How much are they asking?” She searched the pamphlet for some indication to the asking price.
Chris waved his hand in dismissal before the agent even got a chance to open his mouth. “Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed the pamphlet out of her hand, a strange expression on his face as he glanced down at her. “Money is not an issue.”
“Chris?” She tried to take the pamphlet back.
“Could you give us a minute?” Chris folded the pamphlet in his hands, slipping it into his pocket.
“I’ll wait for you downstairs.” The agent was quick to duck out of the room.
His eyes came back to her. Julia was surprised by the sudden anger in him. “Tell me something,” he said, pulling her hand and walking out onto the open balcony. “Can you see us waking up together in this room? I’m asking about how you feel about me and this house.”
Julia felt the change in his body. He was tense, almost rigid, and his eyes were sad beneath all the anger. “Yes, but Chris…”
“What, Julia?” he snapped, holding up his hands in surrender. “I don’t get it.”
Julia took a step back, unable to explain what was making her nervous about Chris buying the house. She wanted the house, could even see herself living there with Chris, sharing a new life. But something made her hesitate. “The house is beautiful. It’s the first one we both like. But don’t you think you should be a bit careful? Find out what the price is. You know it might not be worth the price.” She silently berated herself for saying something so stupid. Of course she believed it was worth it. She wanted the house just as much as he did. And he could afford a dozen houses.
Chris’ gaze pierced into hers. His lips thinned with the muscle in his jaw pulsing in tension. “You mean… we’re not worth it.” He turned to walk away.
“That’s not what I meant!” Aggravated that he didn’t get her meaning, she pulled him back. “Why are you so upset?”
Chris shrugged, heading for the stairs. Julia followed him down the stairs. “Forget it. We’ll talk about it when we have more privacy.”
The agent was dumbfounded not to get an immediate offer. Julia could see him scratching his head as they drove off.
It didn’t take long for them to get back to her place. Chris could hardly look at her. She felt terrible, wanting to reach out and comfort him. As they pulled up to her drive, she was thankful that her roommates weren’t home. She and Chris were fighting. She didn’t want any witnesses to their argument.
“Come in, Chris, please.” She unbuckled her seatbelt.
“No.”
Sighing, she tried again. “Please, I don’t want this anger between us. Come in, we’ll talk.”
Reluctantly, he followed her into the house. As soon as they crossed the threshold and he shut the door, she finally met his gaze.
“I don’t understand,” she said. “I’m just being cautious. I love that house. We… you should be careful, that’s all. ”
“For me, our life together is priceless,” he snapped coolly. “If you weren’t so ashamed of us, you’d probably see that too. You included yourself and then took it away. I don’t get it.”
“I’m not like you, Chris, so certain all the time.” Her breath caught in her throat, and her chest tightened. She tried to hide her uncertainty, but he had this ability to read her so well. Sometimes she hated that.
“You’re afraid of something. What? Love?” He shook his head as if he had discovered a secret. “I should have seen it.”
“I just think we need… we need to maybe….” She started playing with her necklace, dropping it when he raised a brow at her. “We need to slow it down, cool it a bit.”
“Why?” he demanded.
She forged on with her argument. “Everything ends, sooner or later.”
His hard look bore down into her and she found the angry heat in the room suffocating.
“What’s going on, Julia?”
Julia paced back and forth. She felt trapped. And she couldn’t explain. She didn’t want to lose him like she lost Carlos. She could see the end all too quick. A force of panic overtook her. She didn’t know what she could say to make him recognize where she was coming from.
“I don’t want to rush.” Julia cleared her throat and without another word, headed for the kitchen for some water. “I don’t want to ever get married, that’s it.”
Chris’ eyes flittered for a moment, as he gritted out quietly, “I haven’t asked you to marry me.”
She let out a pained breath, almost choking. “Well good, because I won’t go through that again.”
At this point she was too emotional. It would have been best to cool off first and take a breather. He was angry and nothing she could say would placate him. So as far as she was concerned, they were done with the argument.
But he wasn’t done. He made a frustrated noise and followed her into the kitchen. “You mean you’ve already decided the answer because you might change your mind!”
“Don’t put words into my mouth,” Julia snapped. She didn’t like that he was twisting everything she was saying into something else. Obviously, he wasn’t going to let this go.
“I’m in love with you. I want you to marr
y me, Julia Mendoza. I haven’t asked yet, but I am now. So tell me, is your answer still no?”
“Don’t be mad.” She went to touch him, but he wouldn’t let her reach out to him. Tense and immovable, he had a look of betrayal as he took a few deep breaths.
She took advantage of his silence to explain. “I’ve been married before and it hurts when it goes wrong. I’m just protecting you.” She peered at him, but he didn’t move. “Let’s take it slow, make sure it’s not going to end. That’s not a nice feeling, Chris. I’ve felt it. I’d prefer us not to jump in so quick, take it…”
“Slow?” he growled, turning on her. “I tell you I love you, I’ve fallen blindly drunk in love, and you turn around and suggest we wait to make sure it’s not going to end. Oh, Julia, you have no idea.”
She blanched. “What do you mean, I have no idea? Did you not hear what I just said? I know how quickly marriage ends, Chris!” She pointed at him, angry now. “So should you. Your parents divorced, my husband died. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no such thing as happily ever after.”
“I’m not my father and I’m not Carlos.” He pulled her into an embrace. “And I believe in happily ever after. I thought you believed too.”
Julia broke away from him, wanting him to say and do something that would hurt her, so she could blame him also. But she knew the truth. They were fighting because of her. He was accusing her of being false and now everything was unraveling. She had to confess her feelings. Telling the truth was the only way he would understand.
“I don’t believe in that,” she murmured. “It doesn’t exist… otherwise Carlos wouldn’t have left me and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”
Chris stood there looking at her. His shocked expression softened suddenly and she couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t bear his pity or anyone else’s pity.
“Julia, Carlos didn’t leave you on purpose.”
“Yes, he did,” she insisted. “And it doesn’t matter whether he meant to or not. Everything ends whether now or later. Where are you going?”
Chris stopped his hand on the doorknob. “I’m done arguing. We’ll talk when we’re calmer.”
“No! We’re not finished yet. You wanted to get everything in the open. I told you from the beginning this wouldn’t work. But you insisted that we try, so we tried.”
He shut the door, coming back into the house. “Do you call that trying? I put everything in, you didn’t. You lied and cheated me every time we were in bed, loving each other and you didn’t even mean it. You promised to be with me in a relationship, but now you’re taking everything without giving anything back.”
“Taking everything? What are you talking about?”
“Taking my love.” He glared at her. “Wasn’t that what the other night was about? I heard you say it, Julia! I heard you whisper by my ear you love me. But instead, you’re just like all the rest of them.”
Her face flushed with hot color. The accusation fell with a loud thump in the thick steamy air around them. “What was that supposed to mean?” she murmured quietly.
“You know what it means, Julia. You’re not stupid.” When he turned away, she grabbed his arm, making him stop so he could explain.
“Enlighten me. What are you implying? That I’m having a relationship with you just for sex?” Her voice rose when she spelled out clearly what he was thinking.
Chris wouldn’t look at her at all, and she wondered if it was true, that he actually believed that she had used him for sex. That felt worst than anything. She took a step back.
But Chris wasn’t done yet. “You didn’t try, full stop. Forget the sex, you held back from me. I can see it now, playing me for a fool. Yeah, Chris, I’ll do it your way. Just so you could get a good fuck!”
She tried to remain calm. Her lips trembled and she had to clench her fists to keep from lashing out at him, she wanted to slap him for hurting her. That wouldn’t make her feel any better. He tried to reach for her, but she couldn’t look at him.
“Get out!”
“Julia.” He tried again to embrace her.
She refused to let him hold her, comfort her. She swallowed the hot lump sitting in her throat. “Don’t.”
“I should never have said that, Julia. I was angry. I’m sorry. I don’t think that.”
“I never cheated you. I gave you everything I could.” Tears rushed down, no longer able to hold back the pain and hurt. “I’m sorry if I can’t be more in tune with your passion. I’m not like you, Chris. I do the best I can with what I have, and it’s not easy for me. My life is not on the same level… I can’t just be free with my emotions the way you are. When I gave my everything in the past, I got hurt. So don’t you tell me that I didn’t try, because that’s a lie and you know it. Things don’t get put on a silver platter for me, so excuse me if we’re a bit different. I warned you. You’re used to having whatever you want, whatever it takes. I’m not like that.”
They remained silent, conscious of the other’s intense emotions, sensing the high charge in the small living space. He rubbed his cheek. She cringed at what she had said, as the angry color slowly faded from his face.
“Different? What is the problem, I earn too much? What? I work hard to get to where I am, Julia. It isn’t all roses and sunshine on my end. There is so much that I do that I keep separate from my home life. I don’t bring it into our lives because it’s too stressful.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” she muttered. “I’m not criticizing your money.”
“You’d be a hypocrite if you did, when you’ve inherited your late husband’s wealth. So we’re equals when it comes to that. You’ve got it, I’ve got it – who cares.”
She whipped around to look at him, surprised. She had never spoken about Carlos’ estate being passed on to her.
“Yes, I know about that. Another secret you kept from me.”
Julia wouldn’t apologize for what she couldn’t tell him. He had to know that she didn’t lie to him, though.
More quietly he spoke, “You’re the first woman I’ve been with that’s backing away from commitment. All the others before you would have done anything to get me to propose.”
She felt cold, clammy, and she swallowed hard; the thought of Chris with another woman made her heart thump hard. “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I guess your other women seemed to love you more.”
“Damn it, Julia! What’s wrong with you?” He thumped his fist against his chest. “Missing the target a bit, honey, my heart is right here. Thrust the knife a bit harder. That’ll kill me.”
Chris’ face darkened, he pointed a finger at Julia. “You’re afraid of being loved. You can’t admit it, but it’s the truth. We all fear being hurt and you’re doing a fine job of stabbing me in the heart.” He looked over at Julia as if she had ripped his heart out and stomped on it. He took a deep breath. “You’re not a quitter. Make your own choices, Julia, but don’t make my choices,” he accused hotly. “We don’t just give up when there’s a crisis.”
Julia wasn’t surprised by the anger and pain in his voice. She felt it tearing at her heart. But what could she do? Staying with him wasn’t fair.
“We moved too fast, too quickly. That’s why we fell apart,” she snapped abruptly. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand? I’m the one who doesn’t understand? You are way off mark there. You still care. You might be trying to hide it, but I can tell.” He urgently took her hand, his thumb rubbing sensually against her finger.
“We can’t be together. It’s not right. We have to break it off. Otherwise if we stayed together, I’d be lying to you.” She could feel the angry heat of his gaze.
“Say you don’t love me.”
Julia recoiled from the force of his emotion. She felt close to breaking point, taking a few calm breaths.
The massive lump in her throat was making it hard for her to look at him. Her lip trembled, just the tiniest bit.
Julia couldn’t believe
this was happening. He knew exactly what he wanted and she didn’t. “I’m sorry. I’m no good, I’m so sorry.” She started shaking, her body shivering as she attempted to take in some breaths. She loved him so much, but she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be.
Seeing her agitation, Chris took a step back. Quickly he went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water for her, offering her the cup. “Drink, relax.”
He waited patiently as she swallowed a few gulps and slowly calmed down.
“I think about Carlos still. That’s not fair on you.” She closed her eyes against the intense look on his face.
Chris cringed, turning away from her. His voice cracked with emotion when he asked, “You can’t let him go?”
She shook her head in denial of the obvious. “I don’t know. This feeling, it’s not right. There are times when you look at me and the love in your eyes makes me want to hide, as if I’m betraying his memory. It’s my fault. Carlos is still always there and I can’t just let him go. He’s not here, but he still is. It’s not fair on you or me.”
Chris went to stand by the window, looking out. He was shaking his head before lifting his eyes toward the ceiling. She could see the muscles in his back stretching beneath his shirt. She wanted to ease his hurt, but she knew all she was doing was increasing it.
He declared, “We can work through this, Julia. You’re leaving me without even a good enough reason. I know you love Carlos. It’s hard for you to let him go, I know. But you love me too. I am here, alive. You can’t deny you love me, even if you’ve never said it. I know it. Breaking up, you made the choice for both of us. It’s not even what you want. Now, give me one good reason why I should let you go? Say it, and it’s over.”
Julia threw her hands up in the air. He had spoken the truth all too clearly. He could read her so well, sometimes. Frustrated, she cried. “You’re free! I can’t be with you. Just leave, Chris.”
“What are you talking about?” He turned toward her, confused.
“Find someone else, Chris, because I’m not willing to let Carlos go. I can’t marry you.”