When I got in my car the tears spilled out, but I waved hoping she wouldn’t stop me. Not being Paul’s girlfriend meant that I wouldn’t see them either. It seemed my life had ended. A loud rap on my window startled me enough to make me jump out of my skin. Slowly turning to face Paul, but relief hit me to see his father. A gasp escaped me as I put my car in reverse and slowly backed away. He spoke loudly as I moved away, “Jess, are you okay?”
I shook my head, and continued to back away waving my goodbyes.
I wasn’t going very fast because the tears were obstructing my vision. My next stop, Annie’s grave. I wanted to see Freedom and I didn’t know how to find her. A whole story in itself it’s hard to explain, but the jest of it is Annie came back as a wolf to protect Paul. I think she wanted to make sure Paul could be happy again one day. Too bad it wouldn’t be me making him happy.
My phone rang and my heart sank as I picked it up not saying a word.
“Jess, where are you?”
Between the tears, and the swollen throat I couldn’t talk to him. I would have to say goodbye to the man I love with all of my heart. The pain shot through my heart so I hung up without saying anything at all.
Pulling into the grave yard I found Freedom lying on the grave. I got out running to her and put my face to her fur hugging her. She licked every inch of my face as she trampled around me. Her excitement made me feel loved and wanted, which I needed at this moment. I took off the forever ring that Paul gave me and laid it on Annie’s grave. Forever cocked her head hinting at a question. I huffed out, “He doesn’t have much time for you either I see.”
She shook her head like a dog would. Wondering if it’s her answer or shaking out her fur from me patting it down while hugging her. Wanting to spill everything to her couldn’t happen. If Paul could understand her like he thought he did, then he would know the whole truth of my plans. Leaving words unsaid; I just didn’t want to take any chances of him trying to stop me. I went back to my car after saying my goodbyes to Freedom, telling her I wouldn’t be back for more than a year. She followed me and sat in the way of me closing my door, “Girl, I have to leave now.”
She didn’t move at all. I yelled at her that Paul and I are over and that I had to leave now. I pushed her out of the way and closed my door completely bawling now. My phone rang and I answered it yelling, “WHAT!”
“Jess, where are you?”
“I can’t do this anymore, Paul, not now not ever.”
“What can’t you do?” He sounded angry.
“Paul, you promised.”
“I am here, where are you?”
“It’s over this time, Paul.” I yelled at him.
“Don’t say that. I can’t live without you.”
“You have for the last two and half years, Paul, and I made it easy for you this time.”
“This is not easy. I love you and we are going to get married. Remember that, Jess?”
“Not anymore, Paul. I love you, but this…” My voice cracked and sobbing took over. Anger and sadness overwhelming my inner core; I couldn’t talk anymore. I sat there trying to wipe my eyes so I could drive, but the tears flowed out faster than I could wipe them.
“Come back, please.”
“Paul, I made this as easy as I could. You won’t hear from me, and I won’t answer your phone calls anymore. I love you.” After hanging up I didn’t answer as it rang and rang. I started on my way home.
I made it to town and pulled over to cry some more. I must have looked stupid or something because people honked at me. I heard the phone buzz and in my confusion I opened it.
“Jess, please don’t do this.”
I sent a picture of him kissing one of the girls that he tutored. I got another buzz shortly after I sent it.
“Jess, I told you about it.”
I sent him another one, and another one. I sent him all the pictures I had collected over the last few months before he text me again. His reply wasn’t what I expected.
“Who sent those to you?”
I laughed to myself and didn’t reply. Now maybe he understood why I had to get away from this.
Paul:
Who hated me this bad that they would send her pictures of me kissing someone else? Why would anyone do this? This had to be fixed, but how? Those kisses didn’t mean the same thing to me that I felt when I kissed her. She had to see the difference. If I showed her pictures of us together, of us kissing it would be obvious that I loved her. All this would end once I send her photos of us happy together. Running into the house I headed straight to my room as my mom yelled after me, “Paul, did you see Jess?”
I stopped on the stairs and walked back up staring at her, “Jess, was here?”
“Yes, she brought you a gift on her way home from school.”
“How long ago?”
“I don’t know, a half hour or so.”
Dad walked in full of concern, “Paul, she was crying when she left. She didn’t talk to me at all.”
Mom turned to him, “When did you see her?”
“When she was leaving I knocked on her window to say hi, but she was crying pretty bad and she pulled out without saying anything to me.”
My body trembled with anger. Worried about what she left for me I headed straight to my room down the stairs. Searching my room I didn’t notice anything that she had left me. This whole thing’s a nightmare; so I called Theo.
“Paul, what’s up kid?”
“Um, when Jess shows up there can you call me?”
“Okay, why what is going on?”
“We were supposed to meet last night at the cabin, but I got stuck working and now she is so mad at me that…”
“You were meeting her at the cabin?”
“Yes, but I think…”
“Paul, why would she meet you at the cabin?”
Really frustrated I yelled, “Because, we have been talking and she needed me. It is possible that we were going to get back together, no I KNOW we were going to get back together, but I think…”
He interrupted me again, “So, you haven’t seen her?”
“No, and now she won’t talk to me. Just, if she shows up there call me.”
“Paul, what happened?”
“Nothing! I didn’t meet her. When I showed up at the cabin she was gone, but now…” I noticed my picture frames were faced down. I crawled on the bed to look at them as I talked to Theo, “FUCK.”
He yelled, “What?”
All my oxygen disappeared from my chest as my world collapsed. All of the photos of us are gone, “Theo, I have to find her, but if she shows up there call me. She was pretty upset… I am worried about her driving.”
“What is going on?”
“She took all of my pictures of us. Theo, please call me when she gets there.”
“Yeah.”
“Bye.”
After hanging up I walked to my closet. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes I opened the door. Calming my nerves with another breath I opened my eyes. Once open my fears came true; all of them gone. I text her quickly, “What did you do with my pictures?”
So pissed at her right now that if I did find her I was going to, shit. She couldn’t just erase our life together. Heading to my computer to find the pictures again; I could order more. Why would she be so stup… Shit, they were gone too, but in the folder she left a note.
Paul, I have always loved you and I always will. It will be easier this way. You won’t have to be reminded of our time together with our photos. It’s time to move on for both of us, and I don’t want you to live in the past.
Jess
My gut wrenched in a heaving movement as I rushed to the bathroom. Dry heaves filled the room as I thought, what the hell is she doing to me? Why did she do this? We’re supposed to be together right now. Not wanting to waste another minute I called her and let it ring, but this time she didn’t answer.
3
I grabbed my bags out of the car with my room in my mind. If
I could just make it there without interference then I could cry till the hurt subsided. There were two things between me and my wallowing, my dad and mom. Of course they were in the kitchen awaiting my arrival. I figured Paul would call my dad, but with us trying to sneak off alone I thought this time he’d avoid talking to my dad.
Dad came at me right away, “You planned to meet him at the cabin!”
“Now, Theo, give her a chance to get in the door.”
Glancing back and forth between the two of them, I had nothing to explain. I swallowed and lost it screaming as I dropped my bags and stormed to my room. “Nothing Happened! He Didn’t Show! You should be Happy!”
Not hesitating I fell to my bed and continued to cry. There should be nothing left after that long car ride home, but I had plenty left to last longer than I wanted. Mom did come in and check on me once in a while trying to coax me out, but I couldn’t get out of bed. The ache in my body and the pain in my heart made it hard to move. Mom tried to comfort me with food but death would be easier than the pain of knowing it’s over between Paul and me.
Dad came in one day and sat on the bed and rubbed my back, “Jessica, are you going back to school?”
I rolled to him with a slight smile, “Yes.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?”
“I will finish this year. After that I will figure something else out.”
“So, it’s over this time, you’re sure?”
I nodded, “I caught him kissing other girls.”
Squinting his eyes at me disbelieving so I continued, “I gave him one last chance to work this out. To explain why or how things should be between us, but he didn’t show up.”
“You did break up with him.”
“Yeah, but I did that because he was too busy and he blew me off for two years dad. You know I love him, but that isn’t enough for both of us. My surprise didn’t work either. That’s when I observed him kissing another girl.”
His head tilled while his eyes search my face for truthfulness.
Confirming my actions, “It’s not just one girl either, Dad.”
With understanding he asked, “Are you sure you want to go back there then?”
“I will be okay now. I have to be.”
He took my hand and pulled me up, “Well, if you are going back to school you better get your stuff together.”
“Why? I still have time.”
“Um… no you don’t. You have to be back by Monday.”
“What about Christmas?”
“Passed. You didn’t even move on Christmas.”
“New Years?”
“Yeah, you were crying that day, too.”
He pulled me to the kitchen and made me breakfast. Mom went up and down the stairs doing the laundry, but smiled at me every time she passed by me. I had lost a month’s worth of time. Mom placed my clean clothes on my bed while I packed my stuff in my bags. I had the rest of the day to watch a couple of movies with them and eat dinner. The depression made room for numbness. This is good considering how lost I am about my future.
Paul
I tried to call Jess, but every time I did I got her voice mail. It’s better this way because I’m lost as to what I’d say. Sorry wouldn’t cut it this time. When I called the house phone I talked to Theo. He gave me a hard time after seeing her so miserable because of me. Pleading and begging for a minute on the phone with her he still refused. The impression he gave me led me to understand she’s in no shape to talk to me. Hell, I wasn’t in any shape to talk to her either. If I could fix this by talking to her neither one of us would be this miserable. But if I didn’t talk to her soon I’d lose her forever.
There was no hope for a future with my Jess any longer. From now on we’d go in different directions with no way to change that. At least when we called one another it kept us connected, but not anymore.
Matt came down the stairs asking, “You ready man?”
“For what?”
“School.”
“We just got home.”
“No, you have been sulking in your room for a month now.”
“I missed Christmas and New Year’s?”
“Yeah, I had to explain why you bailed on the gig.”
Not sure how I lost so many days, my sulking had to stop. I grabbed my unpacked bags heading to the door.
Matt laughed, “You did pack?”
Miserably I glance at him replying, “Never unpacked.”
“You need to stay away from serious relationships. They are not good for you.”
He’s right. I had to get back to school and forget girls all together. I pushed him out and up the steps. Finding my mom in the kitchen I kissed her on the cheek. Turning to me she reassured me, “This is temporary Paul. I know you and you will fix this if you can. I love you.”
Wanting to agree with her I nodded, but this time it’s going to be different. My focus geared to my music, school, and business.
My dad met us by the truck. He stood there not saying a word making this goodbye weird. He stood near the front of my truck with his elbows leaning on the hood. Making a point that he wanted to talk I moved to lean against the truck next to him. Both of my parents had put up with my depression over the years and I am sure he didn’t want to see me like that again. Clearing his throat he spoke, “I liked seeing you happy again.” His eyes scanned my face searching for that kid who lost his mind a few years back.
I gave him a slight grin, “Yeah. It was nice.”
“I like that little girl. I especially like you with that girl.” He hesitated while examining me, but then continued, “You smile when you’re with her.”
Hitting me where it hurt, a lump swelled in my throat preventing me from replying.
“Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to, but the reward is worth it.”
This had to be my dad’s way of telling me to find Jess and do whatever she needed me to do? Doesn’t he realize that is exactly what I want to do, but I don’t even know where she is.
Jessica
Back at school and thankful for the numbness. Numb is better than complete misery. Now that I stopped stalking Paul I’ve had a hard time avoiding running into him. It seemed that I dodged him at least once a day, glancing over my shoulder watching for him.
Sometimes I went to eat and sometimes I didn’t. Not wanting to be around people much and Iaesha was badgering me that I should be preparing to go. No longer wanting to go, knowing I had no choice now, I hoped that the suffering I’d witness would pull me away from my own.
At the end of February the girls came to my room for a night out. All I wanted to do is get through this last part of school and then to leave this place forever, not go out for a night of fun. There’s a huge festival in town called The Ice Gala. At the festival there would be ice sculptures, sled racing, and crowning of the ice king and queen. Later in this old warehouse there would be multiple bands where they could dance to all types of music. It’s supposed to be a great place. Sure my roommates are tired of me moping, so they ganged up on me. I am being forced to go. Standing in the shower fully dressed I realized that they weren’t giving me a choice. Giving in I washed my hair and body stripping my clothes as I went. Talking myself into it as I stood in front of the mirror I encouraged my nerves, you deserve a night out. Go for it. It can’t hurt you.
When I got back to my room the girls had clothes laid out for me on the bed, “A mini skirt in this weather?” It is the end of February. They had to be crazy or mad.
Casey, a girl from my English lit class spoke up, “Jess, that is what the leggings are for, they’ll keep your legs warm. I brought boots too. You have nice legs and you should show them off.”
Rolling my eyes while I dressed didn’t help with my attitude, but I did like the top. It was a sliming sweater that hung just down to my butt and had a dangerous V-neck. There wasn’t much to show off here, even though I had developed very nice boobs, if you ask me. Next, Tammy worked on my hair, and Bobby did my
makeup sitting on the desk in front of me. Afraid of what they had done to me I went to the mirror. More than anything I worried that they made me look slutty, but to my amazement I didn’t resemble myself at all. I don’t think my own father would have recognized me all mad up like this. It sounded odd to me that I chuckled as they pulled me from the dorm.
At least they didn’t make me go to the day events. We were getting there by 7pm, eating, watching the crowning, and then dancing all night.
Finding that I enjoyed most everything filled me with strength that my life would go on after Paul. As much as I needed this I could use a break and find a bathroom. Having a few beers with the girls left me a little tipsy as I wandered from room to room in search of the little girl’s room. When I found the bathroom the line stretched down the hall through the doorway and into one of the halls where a band was playing. They’re good but the line moved quickly bringing me down the hall and to the restroom.
With everything back in place I put lip-gloss on and went out to search for our group of girls. Again moving from room to room I found smaller rooms where DJ played the music of their choice. Reaching the big rooms where the bands played I found Sue. She had wandered off herself, so we weren’t in the clear yet. Taking her to back to the bathroom I waited down the hall. The band that played in the hall next to where I stood had ended their set. The large room filled with a hum of voices until they announced the next band that would play. Sue showed up in time to grab my arm and scream, “We are staying for this one. These are guys from our school and the lead singer is amazing.”
Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over Page 3