He grabbed the food and gave me a forkful of scrambled eggs. We devoured the whole plate and he fed me grapes as I curled up in his arms and rested on his chest.
We only ventured out for the bathroom use. I brushed my teeth and took a shower, but went back to him as quickly as possible. He took a turn but his showers took too long for me. He didn’t understand that we didn’t have much time left. I walked in and tried to hurry him. He just laughed at me and took his time.
“If you miss me this much come in here.”
I peeked in and shook my head, “Still sore.”
He laughed and continued. I gave up and went back to bed to wait for him. When he finally returned I curled into him again and traced my hands over his body. I wanted to get my fill so that I’d survive this journey I had to take. Just holding him next to me gave me too much time to think about leaving. Fear kept me from telling him even though I wanted to spill everything. After all this time we finally connected and he’d refuse to let me go.
As the time ran out I tried to plot out how I’d do this, but every time I try to get up he wakes. Asking myself, “How am I going to get out of here?” I needed to get rid of the pictures on his computer so he wouldn’t have to be reminded of me during my absence. With the intention of keep the pain to a minimum; I would leave a note. What should I say? I love you but goodbye? No, I wanted him to wait for me. Torn between leaving the pictures and telling him I had to leave for a year, or leaving them so he’d remember me.
He was distracting me with his hands as they glided over my skin. He brought me back to this moment and I gazed up at him. The smile on his face was completely adorable. I nuzzled back into him and he sighed with pleasure.
When it was getting late and the sun was going down my heart filled with pain as it thudded against my chest. He took it the wrong way and decided to be playful again.
I insisted, “No! More food.”
He grunted as he moved from the bed and went to the kitchen. This time I followed wrapped in the sheet. He peeked back at me concerned, “Jess, I’ll bring it to you.”
I walked over to him and wrapped my arms and the sheet around him resting my head to his back. His hand reached around me holding my lower back to pull me closer. I kissed him and kissed him. He finally turned around and put something in my mouth; it tasted amazing.
He pulled me to the table and I sat on the table facing him in the chair as we ate. They were little sandwiches but in a flower tortilla all rolled together. We laughed and giggled as we ate the whole plateful. Matt walked in, “What are you two doing out of the room? I didn’t think you’d surface until Monday.”
We both laughed but Paul answered, “Yeah, we do have to eat.”
“You guys are having sex and she is sitting on our table. I eat there.”
I giggled, “But I have a sheet wrapped around me.”
He shook his head, “Yeah, in the sheets you had sex in. Jess, that is disgusting.”
“Matt, settle. The table can be washed.”
Paul pulled me to him, “We should go back to the room so we don’t gross Matt out anymore.”
He lifted me and headed for the room. I made him stop for brushing again. We stood there together as his body grazed mine. We giggled and watched each other in the mirror until we finished. As we went from the bathroom to the bedroom we heard Matt yell, “You didn’t do it in there; did you?”
We laughed moving into his room but Paul answered, “No, you’re safe to use the bathroom.”
In a rush to get back in bed he pulled his boxers off and laid down gesturing me to come lay with him. I wanted him to be so tired that he wouldn’t wake when I left. It would hurt too much to see his face. I crawled over him pulling up the sheet as I sat on him. He looked up at me his eyebrows up with wonder. I rubbed against him.
“What are you doing?”
“You do all the work!” I gave him a look that would challenge him to not move at all.
He grinned, “Okay I won’t do anything. It’s all you this time.”
Winning the argument I grinned and rubbed against him more. It wasn’t long before he closed his eyes allowing the sensation take over, growing long, hard, and willing under me. Maneuvering my body to find the right spot his hands came to my thighs gripping.
“Paul!”
He moved his hands away from me putting them behind his head. That crooked smile stayed on his face even though his eyes closed. When I pushed to him a little the smile went away and his face changed from happy to pain.
“Does it hurt?”
He shook his head as the smile came back. I pushed a little more and he slid into me easily. His eyebrows furrowed and a grimace came back to his face. Forcing himself to stay calm and relaxed with long slow breathes. Using his abs as leverage I push away from him all the way to the tip of his erection only to slowly consume him again. His mouth opened and a sound from deep in his chest came out in a low moan. Continuing the agonizing slowness the agony came and went from his face. When his hands came back to grip my thighs he growled, “Oh, shit Jess.”
Controlling him I scolded once again, “Paul!” Easing up a little I allowed his hands to stay on me but shifted my hips as my body consumed him again. Explaining the movement, “This is how to go slow.”
His hands moved away from me but gripped the head board and his hips raised to trust into me prematurely. Happiness filled my heart that he wanted me badly and this drove him mad. Reminding him once again I deepened my voice, “Paul!”
He moaned with dislike but lowered as I pushed harder to him.
“Oh, Jess.” His eyes opened full of need, only to close again as I gave him what he needed with a harder faster rock against him. When his eyes scrunched in the effort to control the release his body so badly needed the moans and verbal pleas became constant. Giving in to him I gave everything I had moving faster and harder until surly he couldn’t stop himself, and then I slowed back to a snail’s pace.
“No… no… no… please… no.”
When I pushed to him he released the head board sitting up pulling me to him. The need of our bodies took over enhancing every movement, every breath, and every heartbeat. Starting where we connected our bodies enveloped each other.
Even after the heat of his released scorched my inside bursting my release he continued to move in me. Hard and full in length his coming didn’t satisfy his craving. Leaning back bracing myself as he worked hard to get himself off, but nothing seemed to be enough.
As he slid away from me I worried that he had given up on the second release of the moment. That the intensity of this too much to handle.
When I felt his arms link under my legs I understood. He pinned me to a better angle for his rough thrust. No matter how many times I came, he always had more for me if I wanted.
The pleasure of us together unexplainable, but not enough to satisfy the hunger of more, and I wanted more of him. The slight kisses to every part of our bodies as we made love. It didn’t matter where our mouths were because we kissed whatever part of the body that’s there for the taking. The exploration of our touching of our hands enhanced the desires we experienced. I wanted him to know I loved every part of him and every part of us being together.
He finally rolled to his back completely exhausted, “I don’t know where you came from, but oh my god do I love this.” I reached back and propped up the pillows and moved to lean back. He rolled to me resting his head on my stomach. His hands and arms reached around me to hold me. I could watch him for eternity never getting tired of watching him fall to sleep. The pain in my heart came back at the thought of my departure. Running my fingers through his hair while my mind ran wild with worry for what this would do to him.
Hoping exhaustion would keep him sleeping, I tucked a pillow under his head as I inched my way from him. When his arm wrapped around me tighter I rubbed his back until the tension in his arm relaxed again.
After getting out from under him I whispered his name, “Paul?�
�� to see if he’d answer. With no response I made my way to the computer where I inserted the disk to download the pictures on it. Tears pricked in my eyes when I deleted them from his computer. Knowing I’d hurt him when I left, this would hurt him even more. The only reason I had to do this was to keep it from reminding him of me. He had to live his life while I’m away. Not look at me on a daily basis to only feel that pain over and over again.
“Jess, what are you doing?”
Jumping at the sound I went into panic mode, “I have to start a new job in the morning. Just checking what time I have to be there.”
He held out his hand for me and I got up taking it and crawling back in with him. I traced my fingers through his hair and rubbed his back.
“Is this part of the thing that you have to do but don’t want to talk about?”
I whispered, “Yes.”
“If it’s a new job are you staying up here for summer, because we could live here? You could move your stuff in and I could stay here with you and wait for you to get done. I could feed you and you know. We could be together.”
I wanted to stay here with him so badly, but that wasn’t going to happen. I rubbed his back more, “I would love that Paul.”
He kissed my stomach and put his head back down on my belly. I waited for him to sleep again and then I moved out from under him yet again. I went to his desk to write the note, but had no idea of what to say to him.
Dear Paul:
I cannot explain the love I feel for you. This has been the best days of my life and I will cherish them forever.
What I am regretting is the months ahead. You see when I was miserable I agreed to do something that would take me away from you. I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you. I tried to stay away, but you are so darn cute. Your persistence caught me unprepared to keep you away and now that we have had our moment I don’t want to leave. But the choice and the commitment already made.
Glancing back at him the tears began to fall. No matter what I agreed to in my heart I didn’t want to leave him. Not now or ever. Letting my eyes fall to the ring on my hand as the tears streamed down my face. This pain will be unbearable for both of us. I wiped my face and tried to continue.
I tried to figure a way to cause less pain, but the pain will come. I deleted the pictures of me so that you would not have to be reminded of me every day. I am leaving your ring with hopes that someday you will forgive me and place it on my finger again. I am not allowed to bring things of value so the phone is yours too.
If you find it in your heart to forgive me someday I would love another chance to spend my life with you. Until then I don’t have a choice.
I’ll be gone one year, but I tried to make it easy for you. There is nothing left of us together except for the memory in our brains. The initial pain last about six months Paul and if you can survive that the pain will lesson.
As far as where I am going? Well, at the time I needed to find a place where the pain was greater than my own from missing you. I found it! And now the pain of being away from you will engulf me once again
My tears dripped on the paper and I wiped them away but it smeared the paper a little. Taking my last fill I looked back at him and gasped from my pain.
I am sorry, Paul. For leaving, for not being able to face you and most of all for the pain that is to come. I think you feel the same as me and I know I will walk in darkness for the next year.
I love you!!!!!!!!
Jessica
Getting up I folded the note grabbed my stuff, and stood over him regretting having to leave. I wanted so much to touch him and hold him one last time but the pain would be too much. If he woke up I wouldn’t be able to conceal the pain in my heart. I went to the bathroom to get dressed and washed my face to compose myself.
I walked out putting the note, ring, and cell phone on the table.
“Jess, what are you doing?”
My heart dropped when I heard Matt. I closed my eyes not turning to him and I tried to get the words out with a normal tone but I knew my voice was going to betray me.
“Um, I start a new job this morning and I have to go.”
He was walking towards me, “Why are those things on the table?”
Caught in the act of hurting Paul again I didn’t want to face him I turned and sprinted to hug him tight.
“Jess, you are scaring me. You should let me wake Paul.”
Not letting that happen I shook my head and looked up at him full of tears. Nothing I did could hold in the hurt I already felt. Not only having trouble breathing but to swallow, impossible due to the lump in it. Gasping I blubbered, “Matt, you don’t want to do that. Um, I left him a note and it will be okay. Just make sure that he knows I love him with my whole heart. And you need to be there for him. Don’t let him do anything harmful to himself.”
“Jess, tell me what is going on?”
“Promise me right now! You won’t let him hurt himself. I need him.”
“Of course not, Jess, but what are you doing?”
Convincing myself this would be the best way for Paul I forced a smiled on my face and kissed his cheek. I knew he would wake Paul as soon as I made it out the door.
He held me tight not letting go, “Jess, where are you going?”
Not giving a true answer I replied, “Where the pain is greater than Paul’s and mine.”
When I pushed myself from him I put my hand on the note, “Make sure he gets this will you.”
“Jess, tell me what is happening here?”
Having the best and worst day in my life all wrapped into one day I headed for the door. There’s one thing that Matt needed to understand so Paul would; that I would be back. Letting the tears fall I glanced back with only one thing left to say, “Take care of him until I come back please. I love him.”
Closing the door and ran to my car. It would have to be a quick getaway. Driving away with my eyes on the rear view mirror seeing Paul run out the door with his hands entangled in his hair retched at my heart. He didn’t understand why I would do this. Truthfully neither did I.
9
Paul
I woke to Matt having a panic attack, “Paul, get up Jess is leaving.”
“Yeah, she is starting a new job this morning.”
He tossed me my boxers and pulled me off the bed, “No, it’s more than that.”
Confused with his frantic voice and his determination to get me up, “What are you talking about?”
“You better hurry or you won’t be able to stop her from leaving.”
“I need to stop her?”
“She left the ring, her cell phone, and a note.”
I jumped up, “She left the ring?”
He moved to the window allowing me to get dressed, “Yes, damn it. Hurry up. Shit, she started her car, Paul.”
I got up and ran out to watch her drive away. I ran back inside going up the steps two at a time. Storming in the apartment and advancing on Matt, “What did she say?”
“She was crying, Paul, and mumbling something about pain being worse than yours and hers.”
Not registering everything that just happened I picked up the ring and slid it on my pinky and opened the note.
Dear Paul:
I cannot explain the love that fills my heart when you’re in it. This has been the best days of my life and I will cherish them forever.
My voice firm and angry I let out my comment, “Then why the fuck did you leave the ring?”
What I am regretting is the months ahead. When I was miserable I agreed to do something that would take me away from you.
Shaking my head I realized I should have been more insistent on finding out what she had to do. Especially if we had to be apart for it.
I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you. I tried to stay away, but you are so darn cute. Your persistence caught me unprepared to keep you away and now that we had our moment I don’t want to leave.
Glancing up at Matt for answers on
ly to see him wipe his face with his hands; he is as upset by this as me. So I’m not over reacting because this confuses me. I closed my eyes voicing my opinion, “If you didn’t want to leave why didn’t you tell me? Fuck Jessica!”
But the choice and the commitment had already taken place.
Shaking my head not believing this happened. She had to at least tell me where she’s going. I continued to read.
I tried to figure a way to cause less pain, but the pain will come. I deleted the pictures of me so that you wouldn’t be reminded every day. Also I am leaving your ring with hopes that someday you will forgive me and place it on my finger again. Valuables are not allowed so the phone is yours too.
Broken is a better word for what this did to me. Walking in my room going to my computer I clicked on my photos, but they’re gone just like she said.
Matt followed, “What? Did she leave you the address, a map, WHAT?”
Choking back the bile that worked its way up from my stomach the only think I could get out, “My pictures of her…” The emptiness filled me from the inside out. Grabbing the desk to hold myself up I raised the letter to continue to read.
If you find it in your heart to forgive me someday I’d love another chance to spend my life with you. Until then I don’t have a choice.
Blinking away the tears in my eyes I argued with the letter, “Yes you did have a choice! Damn it! I’d done anything to help you to help keep you here. Why didn’t you see that?”
Matt walked over to me staring at me. Not able to take my eyes from the letter I continued to read.
I’ll be gone one year, but I tried to make it easy for you. There is nothing left of us together except for the memory in our brains. The initial pain last six months Paul and if you can survive that the pain will lesson.
Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over Page 10