“Tell you what, my little wife,’’ he said, trying to muster up some condescension in his voice, but it fell flat. Maybe it was because he was whispering, maybe because he was tired, but somehow it sounded more sad than anything else. I bet he wouldn’t have any trouble using his cold exterior in another setting when he could protect himself with his confidence, his suits and wealth. Right about now, he was a hurt son, a grieving brother and a man lost in his own thoughts. That Mathis intrigued me too much for my own good and it scared me. “While you don’t want to say that I affect you, or at least your body, I’m going to say that you make me want to fuck you. Even now when my fucking mind is nowhere near the right frame to do so. I’d enjoy it immensely to use your perfect body to lose myself for a few hours. I’d have a really good time winning our little standoff and forgetting my damn past, but I’m not going to do anything tonight and I won’t ask you to prove to me that I affect you because I don’t need it. I know you want me.’’ He sighed and pursued in a more subdued voice. “My brother was my best friend, my better half. He was everything I wasn’t, everything my father wanted in a son. The wrong twin died that day.’’
He threw off the covers and jumped to his feet. He left the bedroom without another word as his labored breathing filled the silence until he disappeared deeper in the apartment and away from the master bedroom.
The wrong twin died that day.
That was a horrible thought to have.
I got to my feet and made a move to follow Mathis, but then I stopped myself. What was I doing? I wanted to comfort my husband, but why? He wouldn’t accept a simple act of comfort that wouldn’t imply sexual relief or sexual distraction, however I should picture it. He wouldn’t want me to see him vulnerable when it was so very obvious that he was at that very moment somewhere in this vast apartment.
I glanced back at the big, empty bed and shook my head.
It was too late anyway.
I could ignore a nasty man.
I could ignore a manipulative husband.
I could ignore a cold-hearted spouse.
But I couldn’t ignore someone who truly hurt from losing someone. I wasn’t made that way and even on the streets, the foster homes and my godawful life hadn’t changed that, not after what I had to go through myself.
LILA
I tiptoed to the half open door to Mathis’ home study and peeked inside. Only one small light was on at his desk. It cast a white cold ring of light over the glass of the desk and specifically over Mathis’ shaking hand holding a photograph between his big fingers. I stopped breathing, afraid he’d find me spying on him and anger him once again. I didn’t care to fight with him, not when he was in such a bad place.
I faintly heard him breathing. I couldn’t see his face and I couldn’t be sure, but with the way his hand on the picture shook and the way his shoulders heaved, I wondered if he wasn’t crying.
I pushed open the door, but it didn’t make a sound. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat to announce my arrival. I didn’t want to take him by surprise. I bet a man like him hated showing any kind of weakness to someone else and he had done that in spades tonight with me.
He didn’t look up. His head was still down to keep on fixing the photograph he was shakily holding. His breathing was louder the more I stepped closer.
“What’d you want?’’ he asked brusquely, his voice so rough I’d think he spent hours screaming his throat out.
I stopped just behind the lone chair in front of his desk and put my hands on the back to prevent myself from fidgeting.
“I was looking for you.’’
He snorted then and dropped the picture on the top of the desk. The corners were very damaged from years of manipulation and the colors washed out, but I recognized it anyway. It was the same picture as the only one on the shelf in the living room near the huge TV. Mathis and Maxime.
“I think you have this little game all backwards, little Lila,’’ he said coldly as he straightened up in his desk chair and locked eyes with me. He might try to hide that he was still shaking and that his breathing was laborious, but he couldn’t hide the look on his face, the look of a man on the verge of breaking down. That, that look right there tore through me and awakened a part of me I thought had died a long time ago. “You’re supposed to avoid me while I pursue you until you cave.’’ He traced his lower lip with a finger as his eyes took me in, stopping a moment to stare at my braless breasts hidden by a thin piece of clothing that didn’t hide the tightening of my nipples. The dark smirk stretching his lips higher on one side and carving that wicked dimple in his cheek elicited a shiver out of me and this time around I had no idea from what kind of emotion it stemmed. “That is, unless you want me to take you on my desk. I’d be glad to oblige.’’
I tilted my head to one side and didn’t try to hide my taut nipples or turn around and leave him be to his own troubled thoughts. Instead, I locked eyes on his and didn’t waver. “Do you always use sex to hide?’’
He scoffed and leaned back in his chair. It creaked once as he settled. I didn’t miss how he clasped his still trembling hands in his lap. “I don’t hide. Sex is a great distraction, a relief like no other. It makes everything inconsequential for a little while.’’ He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, getting his control back over his breathing, over himself too. The haunted look was gone and his hands were back on top of the desk. He wasn’t trembling anymore.
How could someone be able to go from broken to showing an air of perfect control over himself, a control so complete he appeared cold and unaffected by anything. Distant.
“What happened to Maxime?’’
At his brother’s name his cold mask slipped. He closed his eyes as if in pain and his breathing hitched. His t-shirt couldn’t hide the muscles in his chest and arms flexing as if his whole body was coiled tight for a fight. “What are you doing?’’ he asked quietly.
“I’m trying to understand your family. And mostly you.’’
He re-opened his eyes and immediately sought out mine to trap me there, standing in the middle of his office and seemingly to strip me bare with just one look. My heart sped up again and my whole body tingled.
“There’s no mystery. We’re a damaged, broken family. That’s all there is.’’ He turned his head away and turned the picture over so he couldn’t see it anymore. “Go back to bed.’’
“Are you going to try and lose yourself with sex? I’m sure you have plenty of women ready to do that for you after just one measly call. But then what?’’
Just the thought of going to bed and picturing him calling some woman here to fuck somewhere in the apartment had my stomach rolling. It shouldn’t, though. In fact, a few hours ago I wouldn’t have batted an eye and I probably would have been pretty much relieved knowing he went to find his release somewhere else, but now, after witnessing another side of him, I didn’t know where I stood. I wasn’t an idiot and falling in love with my husband after only a few hours of being married, but I couldn’t help but feel like something was amiss. As much as I thought I would be strong enough to endure this marriage, I found myself lost and confused. Scared, too.
“Are you jealous?’’ Once again with that devilish smirk.
“No. I’m just wondering what your modus operandi is.’’
“Usually, I’d either call some woman quite desperate for some attention or I’d go out with a friend to a bar and pick up a woman. But I’m a married man now, and I’m trying to get in my wife’s pants so I’ll wait to resume my normal routine.’’
“Don’t let me hold you back,’’ I retorted and narrowed my eyes on him. My fingers dug in the back of the leather chair. “I’m not going to sleep with you, Mathis.’’
The glint in his eyes flared upon hearing his name coming from my mouth. “Are you sure about that?’’ He pointed at my chest. “Your nipples are taut and we both know the apartment isn’t chilly. And if you think I didn’t notice earlier when you were pressing your thighs tog
ether, you’re mistaken. You want me, Lila.’’
Feeling safe with the chair and his desk between us, ensuring me that he couldn’t step closer to me like he enjoyed doing to throw me off, I glared at him and went for honesty. “I’m not going to deny it.’’ I smiled faintly at the brief surprise on his face. “You know you have physical attributes to make any woman aroused without much effort.’’
“You finally seem to see the light.’’ He traced his lip with that damn finger and I couldn’t prevent my eyes from falling to his mouth to watch that move that would drive me over the edge before we were through with this charade of a marriage.
“It’s not because you’re able to arouse me that I’m going to sleep with you. You gave me a chance to stay true to myself, something I hadn’t had in years. I don’t like you, Mathis.’’
“Then why are you in my office now? Are you gloating from seeing that I have a fucking heart after all?’’ The anger peaked, growing so fast it seemed to buzz between us.
I shook my head and turned around. It was a mistake following him. “I came to try to understand you.’’
I took a few steps away, ready to go back to bed and fall asleep before he decided to join me when his voice stopped me in my tracks.
“He drowned. Maxime drowned in the ocean.’’ He cleared his throat when it broke and that voice, so destroyed, made me turn around. He wasn’t looking at me, but at his hands flat on top of the desk on either side of the photograph. “We were on vacation at a beach house and we loved to surf. Our parents would let us go out alone when the weather was good. He drowned that day.’’
He was there. He was there and he blamed himself. It was so evident.
Without thinking or questioning my motivations, I quickly walked to him and bent down. His scent invaded my nostrils, drawing out a shiver from deep within to better remind me that my husband didn’t leave me indifferent even if I wanted him to. And then, I kissed his cheek covered by the day’s stubble darkening his skin. It was a barely brush of lips against a cheek, but it shocked me. My lips tingled so much I had to bring a hand to them. I quickly took a step back as his eyes found mine, lost and full of questions I couldn’t answer even if I wanted.
“It’s not your fault,’’ I mumbled and took another step back.
“You don’t know anything,’’ he whispered and brought a hand to his cheek where I kissed him. “I never said it was my fault.’’
“You don’t have to. It’s written in your eyes.’’
Then, I turned around and flew back to the bedroom. I didn’t stop, not even when he faintly called my name right before I left the threshold of his office.
Havoc reigned on me, both on my body and in my head.
***
MATHIS
I heard her before I saw her. Sipping my black coffee standing with a hip leaned against the large kitchen island, I watched as Lila strode in perched on high heels. She stopped behind the bar marking the separation between the open-floor kitchen and the living room, her tired cornflower blue eyes on me. With the makeup enhancing the color and the shape of her eyes, I found myself taken by the sight of my wife, remembering the effect her simple and innocent kiss on my cheek from last night had on me. I moved closer to the island and hid the growing bulge in my pants, not feeling like flashing her at six in the morning after the hell of a day we had had.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you,’’ she said with a distant voice that contradicted completely with how things had been left last night. Her eyes traveled over me and took in with more attention my unshaved face before she locked her eyes on mine.
“I don’t leave before seven in the morning, unless I have something waiting for me at work regarding a company overseas.’’ I took another sip of my coffee without looking away from my wife as she nodded and finally rounded the bar to get to the coffee machine. In no time she nursed her own cup and took a seat at one of the high chairs behind the far side of the island.
I took my time to delict myself with the view she offered me in her tight anthracite capri pants and her flowing puffy white blouse hinting at her gorgeous breasts underneath. Lila had a body like I rarely had the chance of seeing and she had me growing harder by the minute as images of the things I’d like to do to her invaded my mind still in shambles from the day before.
As usual, thinking of sex made everything easier to deal with, rendering the constant threat of a panic attack more distant.
“That’s not what I mean,’’ she said and set down her mug with a steady hand while her back was so straight I couldn’t miss the tension in her body.
“Enlighten me, then.’’
I turned around to drop my empty mug in the sink, finding solace in this break from watching a woman who was mine in regard of the law, but wasn’t mine yet to do as I pleased. What would drive me crazy soon if nothing happened was the fact that I felt it getting closer. I knew the right nudge would ensure me I’d be able to fuck my wife until she couldn’t take it anymore, but something was keeping me from pushing it.
“You didn’t come back to bed last night.’’
I smirked then and looked at her over my shoulder and found her glaring at me when she registered my dimple in my cheek. “Oh, I see. You thought I was with another woman. Jealous, Mrs. Grimes?’’
The snort that came from her made me turn around. The unladylike sound surprised me. Where I expected her to have lost her polished posture, I saw her still sitting straight with her head held high and her eyes fiery on me.
“Dream on, Mathis.’’
“Why asking if you’re not? Shouldn’t you be relieved if I was with another woman, finding the relief you deny us both?’’ I was pushing, trying my best to make her mad and see that damn fire that kept on drawing me closer, awakening me to the deepest recess of myself where only darkness and an icy cold reigned.
“Are you saying that you were with a woman?’’ she asked, now disbelief and something else rendering her speech slower and slightly higher pitched when nothing on her face showed what she truly felt other than an annoyance I was accustomed to.
I considered my options before opening my mouth. I could try and make her jealous to push her closer to her breaking point, but while toying with her was something, a sort of hobby I enjoyed, that kind of game would push it.
Instead, I stalked to her and leaned down to get my mouth close to her ear uncovered by her high ponytail. Her perfume enveloped me, dizzying me in a way I wondered how come I didn’t have my mouth on hers while my hands hoisted her up on the island. I breathed her in and didn’t try to cover it up and I didn’t stop the dark chuckle from leaving my mouth when I saw her delicate skin pebbling.
“I slept in the guest bedroom closest to the stairs. Alone.’’ I took a step back and waited for her to look my way like anybody would, but she didn’t. Her fingers tightened around her mug and her jaw locked, but she kept her eyes fixed in front of her. “Relieved?’’
“Why do you feel the need to complicate things?’’ she asked quietly and in the way she uttered those words, I knew the question wasn’t asking for my answer. Then, she gave me her attention by turning her head toward me. “Is there anything I should know regarding your weekly routine?’’
Back to business. My disappointment made me frown. “I never come back home for lunch, but Mrs. McCarthy, the housekeeper, always comes mid-morning to take care of the apartment and she cooks too. You should see with her the kind of meals you’d like her to cook from now on. Also, I used to invite a few key employees to the restaurant now and then, but considering I’m a married man now I’ll let you know when those dinners need to be hosted so you can plan everything to your convenience. I suppose Carter Manor prepared you for such a task.’’
“It’s pretty basic,’’ she retorted and went back to her coffee, seemingly dismissing me.
“I’ll have more for you soon. Don’t expect this union to be that simple,’’ I warned and started walking away when her voice, clear and strong
hit me in the back.
“Nothing is simple with you, Mathis, and it’s been a while since I’ve last had any expectations regarding my life.’’
For some reason, her statement put a dent in my carefully built assurance as I left behind my wife in an apartment I still had a hard time sharing with someone.
***
LILA
The bell ringing at the door put a stop to Mrs. McCarthy’s repeated congratulations for my marriage to Mathis. I offered the older woman with greying hair a frozen smile and left her to get back to her usual chores as I briskly walked to the door. One quick look through the peephole had my eyebrows arching high over my forehead as I unlocked the door and opened it to meet Megan’s anxious stare.
Lithe and dressed immaculately in a tight pair of jeans and a light pink polo shirt under a jacket, I offered her a smile and welcomed her after a warm greeting she returned with more enthusiasm than necessary.
“Are you all right?’’ I asked her as I led her to the living room where we sat on the couch while we heard Mrs. McCarthy busying herself in the kitchen. “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t expecting any visit so soon.’’
“I know.’’ She nervously brushed away a few strands of her dark hair. “I wanted to see you to apologize for the awful dinner. Mom wanted to see you herself, but I told her I’d come instead.’’
I shook my head and forced the smile to stay in place when the memory of that dinner at Mathis and Megan’s parents hit me again. I wanted to cringe at that disaster.
“You have nothing to apologize for. Your father is the one I blame and I’m sure your brother feels the same.’’ Here I was talking on Mathis’ behalf now. After spending the night twisting and turning alone in his huge bed, wondering if he was already finding solace in some woman’s arms and being bothered beyond what I was comfortable acknowledging, I was in knots whenever my husband’s name came to mind, which was pretty much constantly right now.
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