“You’re really good at pushing people away and hiding behind that smirking front or cold behavior depending on the situation.’’ I stared at him from his head down to his feet and I would lie if I said that staring at his mostly bare body didn’t do something to me, but it wasn’t what was first on my mind and my annoyance at him was too strong to let myself be swayed by his sexy body and muscles galore. “When are you going to stop this?’’ His silence was a dare for me to go farther, unless it was a warning not to, but I didn’t heed either one. “You hurt your mother. Your sister is begging for any kind of attention from you and you have everything everybody would love to have.’’
The muscles in his arms bunched. “I have everything?’’ His humorless laugh drew out a shiver along my spine and I tightened my arms in front of me, shy of hugging myself in comfort or reassurance. “My better fucking half died in the ocean because of me!’’ His loud voice cracked through the night. “All of this,’’ he gestured around with an arm, releasing his grip on the door, “it should be my brother’s. I had no interest in business before he died, only in having fun and slacking off at school. I didn’t give a damn about the money or the power or the damn monkey suits.’’ His labored breathing sounded painful to my ears and my heart lurched in my chest at the pain I heard in his voice and at seeing his big body trembling. “I didn’t care about having a desk job, didn’t want a wife with manners to show off to business dinners. I didn’t care about being the fucking shit at work because all I wanted was my damn family and to laugh and have fun! I only wanted a laid back life and I know that if Max hadn’t died, that’s exactly what I would have. I wouldn’t be Mathis Grimes, CEO of GM Enterprises, business mogul and cold-hearted asshole.’’ He ran a hand through his hair in distress and he shook so much I took a step toward him, but he stepped back and shook his head, his eyes hard on me, but also empty. “Max would have been a fantastic business man,’’ he went on, this time with a calmer voice. “He was a straight A student, he loved studying and was fascinated with business. He wanted to work with our father and get an apartment overlooking Central Park one day. He wanted to be married to a nice wife with the best education, probably someone quiet and not necessarily the heart of the party. He would have made both our parents proud.’’
“Mathis…’’ I whispered his name as the realization of the meaning of his words hit me, making it impossible to say anything more.
His whole life was Max’s. He lead his dead twin brother’s life, or what he believed Max’s life would have been if he hadn’t died that summer day while surfing at thirteen. That man tortured himself on a daily basis, without a doubt trying to make his family proud like he thought they would have been if all his achievements were Max’s because he believed that he shouldn’t be the alive twin.
“Don’t say a word,’’ he blurted and suddenly turned around, breathing even louder and faster as if he couldn’t inhale enough air. I knew the signs of a panic attack from witnessing a woman from Carter Manor having a few the first two months after her arrival and Mathis’ way of hyperventilating, the way his muscles flexed without relaxing, the way perspiration made his skin glow in the dimly lit office, I knew he was heading into a nasty panic attack.
If he didn’t want me to say a word, I’d act.
I padded in his office and sidestepped him until I faced him. His face was turned down and what I saw made my stomach drop and my chest hurt. The pain on his face was more than just the panic attack’s doing, it was obvious. The way his eyes, empty, looked at nothing, the way his colorless mouth was twisted in a pained expression and how withdrawn he appeared… that told me he was haunted, still very much living through the loss of his brother as if it was yesterday. By living a life he thought Max would have, he didn’t let himself grieve properly and put to rest his emotions regarding losing his twin and how guilty he felt. Instead, it festered inside of him, growing and growing and only his strong will contained it inside, propelling himself farther in life, staying busy and losing himself a bit more every day in his job and meaningless life. Meaningless because it wasn’t the kind of life he would have chosen for himself in other circumstances.
Standing in front of him and witness a man like Mathis in such a state, I didn’t know what to do or say. He said he wanted to be left alone, that he didn’t want me to talk, but then again he could have closed the door in my face and he could order me to go now, but he didn’t do it. No, instead he did something that made it impossible for me to do nothing.
He looked deeply into my eyes, not as if he was looking through my soul, but as if begging me to see everything inside his, as if asking me to do something to lessen the pain incapacitating him.
I cupped his stubbly cheek and watched him shivering in a frown. “I will not tell you that you can’t keep doing this because your brother wouldn’t want to see you in such pain. I will not tell you that no matter what your brother is still with you in your heart because you already know it. I will not tell you that you can’t live somebody else’s life, a life you have no idea if it’s what he’d have chosen for himself when he reached adult life because I think a part of you already knows it, otherwise you wouldn’t be in such pain. What I’m going to tell you is that your love for your brother will never cease, that you’ll always miss him and that by erasing who you truly are or would have been, your parents, your mother, lost both of her boys. You owe it to yourself and Max and your family to be happy, to be yourself. Now, you need to find the strength to let Max go for real this time.’’
He pushed away from me then and shook his head, but not before I saw the welling tears in his eyes, tears he fought to push away and succeeded in doing so, but his chest rose harder still and his big body swayed. He went to the big chair behind his desk and let himself drop. He didn’t bat an eyelid at the plaintive sound the desk chair made at the abrupt way his weight dropped onto it.
“What are you trying to do?’’ he asked, his voice so rough it was like gravel to my ears, a gravel that scratched at his throat to claw its way out of the tightness I was sure was there.
“I don’t really know.’’ I looked down at my bare feet and my toenails painted in a burgundy color like my fingernails. It was definitely easier to look down than to be the witness of the kind of pain Mathis shouldered, the kind of pain he imposed on himself. “If I say I’m trying to help you’re going to say I have no qualifications and no right to put my nose in what doesn’t concern me, and you wouldn’t be wrong.’’
“Shut up then.’’
His deep sigh made me look up. His shoulders were hunched, his back not straight like usual as he leaned over his elbow and his face in his big hands, his fingers clawing at his skull in his thick, dark hair. He looked like a defeated man, down to his last strength, but I bet he had already been like this before. He was the kind of man who even down, he got back up to his feet and soldiered on even if you wouldn’t think it possible. He made the impossible, possible.
“I will,’’ I said and saw him pulling his face away from his hands to stare at me. His dark eyes weren’t hard this time, they held questions and uncertainties, something he probably rarely felt. “I won’t hound you because I’m nobody to you, Mathis. I’m passing through in your life, but I think someone needed to tell you that you can’t live someone else’s life. After all, we only have one life. Don’t waste yours because of your grief.’’
I didn’t wait for him to find his words as I turned around and walked out, ready to go to bed, to hide from him and his eyes that pierced my heart. I needed some space too, needed to remind myself that it’s not because he opened up to me that it meant something. I was an easy choice because I wasn’t a part of his family, not really and if I were I wouldn’t be for long. I was the outsider and it’s often easier to confide in an outsider who was a stranger to all the mess in one’s life.
But I did know, it was pain. That, I knew really well even if I ignored it. Pain was my best friend, a friend I had by my side from the day
my parents died randomly murdered in front of me when I was five. Pain had never left my side, but over the years I had learned to push it away and hide behind it. Smile, Laugh and Pride. These three had been my buffers, but now… I had a feeling that they wouldn’t be able to hold back Pain or mute Heart.
MATHIS
Bleary-eyed, cranky and with a bourbon issued headache from late night consumption, I nodded at Jonatan and walked in my office without a word. The vast office shouldn’t make me feel like air was rare in it, but the fact was after last night and what transpired with Lila, what I told her, what I faced about my life and not just in my head, but out loud and to someone else, working and being stuck in this office was the last thing I wanted.
I dropped into my desk chair and ignored the view over the city. Usually I reveled in it by feeding that part of me that thought that being powerful and influential was what I needed to do, to be. Today, being an egotistical businessman wasn’t appealing. In fact, if I could, I’d get out of this tower to go somewhere, anywhere away from this life, my life for a little while.
Lila tilted my world, my very carefully built world, shaking it to its foundations and leaving behind a ruin with cracks in all of its half torn down walls.
“Sir?’’
I looked to the threshold of my office and saw Jonatan with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand and my usual newspapers in the other.
“Come in,’’ I said and rubbed at my aching temple, silently cursing myself for spending too many hours drinking and then crashing at the desk in my office at home. The only moment I caught sight of Lila was when I walked in the bathroom to shower and she was asleep, or maybe pretending to be asleep. I didn’t linger long enough to check.
My assistant put my coffee and newspapers on the desk, but I didn’t make a move to touch anything. I merely stared at the items and then at Jonatan, catching his frown before he schooled his expression.
“I heard back from Mr. Tober’s assistant this morning. You have a dinner set for tomorrow night. I added it to your agenda.’’
“Good,’’ I forced out and nodded when just yesterday I’d have been arrogantly pleased, I felt nothing at all right now. I shook my head and straightened up in my chair, reaching for the coffee with the hope it’d chase away the fog left by the bourbon and the headache. “Call Per Se and get a table for three.’’
“On it, Mr. Grimes.’’ Jonatan left and closed the door without me asking. The man had worked for me with long enough to know when I needed my peace. Also, I probably looked like shit today and with my luck, rumors regarding a rough patch in my marriage would be running around the office. If only that was all that it was.
I took a sip of coffee and sighed when the hot liquid went down my throat, warming me from the inside when all I felt was cold. I got my phone and quickly typed a text for Lila to let her know of our plans for tomorrow night, but I didn’t get an answer. I wasn’t surprised. I had no idea of where we were standing now.
I should have chosen another woman at Carter Manor. I should have because then I’d still be in one piece, I still would be the master of my own damn universe, I wouldn’t be distracted by a woman who saw way too much of me and who owned me just like I owned her.
But the fact remained, her fire, her strength, fascinated me and for that alone I couldn’t fully regret my choice.
Lila was my wife, the only choice I ever made for me, and me alone. Picking a wife had been for business and to a certain extent something I did for my mother because I knew she’d already have had a daughter-in-law with Max had he been alive, but the type of woman I picked wasn’t one Max would have gone for. I was positive.
At thinking of my mother I remembered what Lila said and how I hurt my mother without noticing. I held her at arm’s length and I didn’t see myself changing, but apologizing to her properly was something I could do. She deserved better than to be stuck with a split family who couldn’t show her the kind of respect she was entitled to.
With my cell still in hand I quickly located her phone number and pressed call.
“Mathis?’’ she asked with a thick French accent I knew came when stressed or concerned. Or angry. “Is everything all right?’’
“Hello, Mom. Everything is fine,’’ I replied and cringed at using the word ‘fine’ to describe the mess that my life had turned into in a matter of days. “I was calling to ask if you have time for lunch today.’’
“Lunch?’’ The disbelief in her tone made me frown. Had I been so difficult and distant that offering lunch with my mother was so odd and surprising? It appeared so and in all truth, I couldn’t remember the last time I initiated spending time with her.
“I don’t have a lot of time, but—‘’
“No, it’s fine, mon garçon. Where do you want to meet?’’
“You can pick as long as it’s close by my office. Send me a text and I’ll meet you there at noon.’’ Silence greeted my ears. “Mom?’’
“Merci, Mathis.’’ Her trembling voice awakened the ache I had chased away from my chest. “See you later.’’
And she disconnected, but not before I heard her sniffle, a clue as to her emotional state. All because of me. My mother had always been the most important woman in my life, along with Megan, but I didn’t know how to treat women anymore. I didn’t know how to treat people or be around people to create some emotional connection with them.
I put down my phone and turned on my computer, ready to lose myself to work, quite literally. At least, when I worked alone in my office I didn’t have to wonder who I would have been if Max was still alive, and the weight of leading a life I thought Max would have didn’t seem as heavy because I wasn’t thinking about anything but work, numbers, reports and ideas for future business endeavors.
***
LILA
“Thank you again for meeting me for coffee,’’ Megan said, her smile weak and tired.
Her usually bright green eyes were dull and makeup hadn’t been able to fully hide the rings under them. It clued me in that she probably hadn’t had much sleep the night before and it didn’t look like it was because her date went exceptionally well.
“You’re offering me the perfect excuse to leave the apartment.’’
Her thin eyebrows furrowed in question, but I shook my head, not ready to talk about her brother. I needed a distraction and talking about someone else’s issues was exactly what I needed, not that I was good at giving advice or that I was used to listening to other people’s woes. I’ve been taught at the Manor to keep my mess to myself and even before my years at the Manor I had never been one to confide in people and the others around me were quite the same.
“Megan, what’s wrong? You look like…’’
“A mess?’’ She sighed down her cup of hot chocolate. She shrugged and then unwound her deep green and cream scarf from around her neck and absentmindedly dropped it on the back of her chair on top of her leather jacket. “I didn’t sleep much last night.’’
“Your date didn’t go well?’’
“Let’s just say that I should have come to dinner when you invited me.’’
I kept my face relaxed, but in my head I thanked her for not coming to the debacle. “Is that why you didn’t sleep?’’ I pushed away my hair when it fell into my face and gently took a sip of my coffee, glad that it warmed my chilled fingers from the cold weather outside the coffee shop.
“Yes and no.’’
She glared at her hot chocolate and pushed it away before her green eyes fixed on me. I was good at reading people, something I had picked up on during my training at Carter Manor, and Megan was showing all the signs of someone worried sick about something. Sudden concern made me grip my coffee mug tighter. I liked Megan and while it was something I knew from the day a week ago when I met her on the wedding day, it only became more blatant as my heart sped up at what could possibly be wrong with my sister-in-law.
“Megan?’’
“That date made me realize something I
’ve been trying to fight for a while now and I…’’ she trailed off, her voice getting choked as her eyes welled up with tears. “I don’t know what to do, Lila. I need to talk to someone and my friends… they wouldn’t understand or they would spread rumors and I don’t want…’’
I gently put a hand on hers and was surprised at finding her fingers so cold still after holding her mug. “You’ve welcomed me with open arms, Megan. The least I can do is listen and keep your secret.’’
“You can’t say anything to Mathis.’’
“I won’t.’’ I squeezed her hand and offered her a small smile. “We’re not big on sharing every aspect of our lives anyway.’’
She chuckled a little then, probably at picturing Mathis opening up and being caring and sweet, something I had a hard time seeing myself even if he did open up to me last night. I quickly banished that thought and gave Megan all of my attention.
“You’re going to think it’s ridiculous.’’ She shook her head and color rose to her cheeks in embarrassment.
“You didn’t judge me for being a hired wife and you could have. I’m not going to judge you either.’’
She took a deep breath and nodded. “The first time Mathis brought Chance home I got a huge crush on him and it never went away.’’
I blinked at her, completely taken by surprise. I thought back to the wedding and even when I remembered Chance and Megan exchanging a few polite words, I didn’t pick up on her feelings for him. “Were you on a date with him?’’
“No.’’ She grabbed her hot chocolate again and took a sip, her eyes still on me as if gauging how I took that news. In truth, I was surprised but it wasn’t like I had been in all of their lives a long time so the impact wasn’t that important. “I went out with a man hoping he’d be able to make me forget Chance, but it failed and actually it made me realize how deep my feelings for him run.’’
Be A Doll Page 24