My eyes go wide. “Yes. Maybe.”
He nods. “Okay. Good. They should both be there. That’s…good. If you’re happy.”
“I’m happy.”
“Excellent.” He points to the copier. “When that’s done, I’d like to read it.”
“Definitely.”
We bobble our heads in nervous nods at each other, and then he leaves.
Hugh steps back inside and closes the door. “Well?”
“Oh my God. I think he knows about us. All of us. And I think it’s fine.”
He swears under his breath. “It’s not going to be fine for Lachlan.”
“But…”
He shakes his head. “We need to think about how we’re going to tell him.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m so over this emotional rollercoaster. I grab my photocopies of the Stats Can report. “Fine. Can you pick up something for dinner tonight?”
“Sure.”
“Great.” I stomp back to my desk. Domestic bliss, triangle-style, is some complicated shit.
52
Lachlan
I wake up at six in the evening to an empty house and a terrible mood.
I look at my phone, but there’s no message from Beth. Nothing from Hugh, either. And my mood is just weird enough that I don’t want to reach out to them, either.
I throw myself in the shower, hoping to steam the prickly feelings away, but they persist.
Doubts slam around in my head, and my fucked up sleep this week isn’t helping, either.
When Beth lets herself in, I’m surprised to see her. “Hey,” I say quietly, joining her in the front hall.
She gives me a tight hug. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“Me too.” I take a deep breath. “But the thing is—”
She holds up her hand. “Hang on to that thought. Hugh’s on his way over and we can talk once he gets here. He’s picking up dinner.”
“Okay.”
She licks her lips, and I suddenly realize she’s nervous. “What’s going on?”
She shakes her head. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It can wait.”
“It can wait isn’t the same as nothing.”
“Right.”
“Beth.” I growl a warning, and she slips past me, heading for our bedroom.
Our room. When had I started thinking about it like that?
I follow her and lean against the door as she strips down. Maybe we should fuck. Hard and fast. I’d bend her over the bed and stroke between her legs until she was wet for me, and then I’d bottom out. Fill her up and make her forget whatever the not-nothing-shit-that-can-wait.
She pulls on shorts and a tank top that apparently live in my dresser.
I head to the kitchen and put on the kettle. I feel like tea.
Ten minutes later, I’ve made tea that I’m not drinking, and she’s in the living room holding a book she’s not really reading.
Fantastic.
The front door opens and in strides Hugh, carrying takeout.
Beth leaps up and gets in front of him.
He gives her a lazy grin. “What’s going on? Did you start talking before I got here?”
The tension in my brain snaps. “You talked about this already together, but she can’t bring it up until you’re here?”
“Whoa.” He sets down the takeout bag and reaches for me. “Come on, that’s uncalled for.”
“No.” I jerk away from him and grab my keys. “I’m not ready for whatever emotional intervention you two have planned.”
“Lachlan!” Beth sounds shocked, but really, did I not project clearly that I wasn’t up for this?
Fuck.
I mumble something about needing space—and no, the irony isn’t lost on me, even as I see red—and I head outside.
I’d parked on the street so Beth could have the garage. Maybe deep down I’d known I’d want to be able to escape.
Fuck.
I jump in my car and just start driving.
This is not how I react, ever. Storming out is impulsive. And stupid when you do it from your own house, and realize you’ve got no idea where to go…or who to talk to about an unorthodox love life.
Gavin’s not an option. Our professional relationship has already been on rocky ground..
If he gets even the slightest whiff I’ve upset Beth, I can kiss my career goodbye. Probably worse than that, even.
Besides, he’s freshly married and the last thing he needs is his lovelorn chief of security on his doorstep intruding on marital bliss.
I briefly consider Tate. Sure, he’s a total player and probably the least qualified person I know to give relationship advice. But he’s kinky, and not committed to the over-romanticized notion of Team Beth-and-Lachlan. Or if I fuck this up, Team Beth-and-Screw-Lachlan. Then I remember he’s away.
After aimlessly driving Ottawa’s streets, I find myself at Max and Violet’s.
It’s twilight and their lights are on, so I assume someone is home and awake, but can’t seem to get my ass out of the car.
I should leave. Dropping by unannounced is rude.
Particularly so when they’re in the final countdown days to a baby arriving.
But Max at least knows something about how I feel about Beth. And like Tate, he’s also seriously kinky, so he’s not likely to balk at Hugh being part of the relationship equation.
I’m still having a heated debate with myself when there’s a knock on my window.
I look over to see Max standing there, gesturing for me to open it.
“You’ve been sitting there with the engine running for the last ten minutes and you look like shit.”
Jesus. I’m a fucking planet killer on top of everything else. “Sorry, I should go,” I say as I reach for the gear shifter, ready to put it in reverse and back out of the driveway.
He shakes his head. “Not in the state you’re in. Get your sorry ass inside. Violet’s asleep and I need a distraction. You’re it.” He crosses his arms and stands there. Waiting.
I’m not going to win this one, and deep down, I don’t really want to, so I close the window, turn off the ignition, and follow him.
He leads me through the house to the kitchen. “Have a seat,” he says, pointing towards the table. “Beer?”
I pull out a chair and nod. “Yeah, thanks.”
He grabs a couple of bottles from the fridge and sets one in front of me, then sits in the spot adjacent as he twists the cap off. “So, what have you done to fuck things up with Beth?”
I twist the cap off my own beer and stare for a minute. “It’s complicated.”
He chuckles. “It usually is.”
“And unconventional.”
Max’s head perks up and he leans forward. “Oh, really?”
Part of me is screaming to get the fuck out, this is a mistake. The rest of me knows I have to suck it up, to accept Max’s help—however much he needs to make me uncomfortable in the process.
But that screaming fear is familiar. It’s the same thing I ran scared from a decade earlier.
And if I’m going to sort this out, we’re going to have to start being honest with people we trust. Hugh deserves that much. He deserves the moon, but this is what I can control.
“It’s not just Beth I’ve fucked things up with.”
Max doesn’t even blink. “Hugh?”
I do a double-take. As much as he’s not shocked, I am doubly so that he’s figured it out. “How did you guess?”
He gives me a bland look. “I had an inkling right from the start. I was there the day he arrived for a meeting with Gavin, remember?”
Yeah. I remember that day only too well. I hadn’t realized how transparent I was at the time.
“But it was really a combination of things over time. Some glances at the wedding, and then that tension after hockey last week.”
Shit.
If Max has guessed… Does the prime minister know? If he does, then he hasn�
�t said anything, has he?
Max leans back in his chair. “Are you getting serious with one of them?”
“Both.”
“Oh.”
I take a long swig of my beer. “It’s not what you think. There’s no cheating involved.”
“Oh? Is it kinky?” He asks that with a joyful wiggle of his eyebrows, and to my surprise, it helps.
Kinky sandwiched between bi and poly, in the crazy layers that make up my sexual identity. And as I think about that question, all the pieces fall into place.
It took an affair with Hugh for me to fully realize myself as bisexual. But I’d run scared. That taste of insanity—too addictive, too perfect—was more than I could handle.
But I’d had that taste. And I couldn’t ignore it. Pretending I hadn't been changed was impossible, so instead of retreating, I'd forged ahead in the only way I could find that matched my rule-and-order identity. Kink, with all its protocol and agreed upon boundaries.
And now I’ve got Hugh again, this time with Beth.
There is no order to loving Hugh.
No rules for how wild and hot Beth makes me.
Zero protocol that addresses how to carry on as if falling for them both hasn't altered me on a cellular level.
I nod slowly. “Yeah, it’s kinky. And so much more.”
Before I know it, the whole sordid mess is spilling out. From Moose Lake through to me walking out on them this evening.
Credit where it’s due, Max hasn’t said a word. Not so much as a judge-y expression.
When I finally finish, my bottle is empty and I’ve been spinning it around it my hands for a few minutes. I tap it against the tabletop and lift my hands in the air. “So that’s it. That’s where we’re at. I thought I could handle it, but then I blow up at Beth about Benton being on to us—and only half of us.”
“You didn’t blow up just now at me, though. Maybe cut yourself some slack? Because, yeah. I’d say that definitely qualifies as complicated and unconventional.” He goes to the fridge and grabs another beer and holds it up. “Are you good for another, or…?”
I am fine to have a second, but I shake my head. “No, thanks. I’m fine.”
“Can I get you something else, then? Pop, juice, water?”
“Actually, water would be good.”
Max opens his beer and sets the bottle on the table, then brings me a glass of water.
“Don’t think about it, just spit out the first thing that comes to mind. What do you want? Or maybe I should ask, who do you want?” he asks.
“I’m greedy. I want them both.”
“Then, what’s stopping you?”
Shit. When he says it like that, I can’t believe it’s that simple. “I gotta go.”
“No shit. I mean, good luck.”
“Thanks.” I’m going to need it. I have some world class grovelling to do.
53
Hugh
Lachlan’s been gone for a few hours. Officially, I’m not worried. I understand a man needing some space. I’ve been that man more than once.
Unofficially, I don’t like this. It’s not a good sign that every time we hit a speed bump, we break a little bit.
Beside me on the couch, Beth sighs. Okay, we don’t break. Lachlan and I are struggling with the dynamics here way more than she is. Even with her teary frustration earlier, she’s unwavering in her knowledge that she wants this relationship, complicated dynamics and all.
“What are you thinking?” she asks without looking up from her book.
“That you’re tough, and amazing, and we probably don’t deserve you.”
She closes her book and gives me a solemn look. “How do we make this work?”
I gesture for her to climb into my lap. Time for some tough love, with love.
I slide a strand of her hair between my fingers, then tuck it behind her ear. “Maybe we don’t.”
“No. That’s not an acceptable answer.” I love the way she says it. Like she’d take on a million-man army to defend our love.
“You can’t force him to be something he’s not.”
“He’s not not anything.”
That’s where she’s wrong. “He’s a private guy. He’s never going to be one for public displays of affection. He’s always going to want to be a homebody, open and honest with us here, but closed to everyone else out there.”
“The world at large, sure, maybe. But our friends? That’s just not feasible.”
“Which loops us back to, maybe this won’t work in the long run.”
“No!” she snaps, and I reel back from the intensity of it. “We just went through this bullshit a few weeks ago with you.” She growls and throws her hands in the air, and I’m not sure if I should laugh or hide. She’s fierce. “Fuck, Hugh. This is not cool.”
Yelling, cursing, wild eyes…I’ve never seen this side of Beth before.
I love it. A lot, but now’s probably not the best time to tell her that. “You’re right.”
“I’m going to kick his ass,” she says mockingly. “That’s what he said about you. And yet here he is, needing his own ass kicked.”
“No, what he needs is…a dinner party. We need to have someone over who won’t even blink at the three of us being in a relationship. Then we can do a bigger group event, maybe something kinky—or we could go dancing at a gay club.”
“Yes,” she says, her voice lifting with hope. “He’d love to go dancing, I think. And we have the baby shower, too. That’ll be a safe space. The guest list is all friends from the hockey team.”
“Baby shower?”
“Max and Violet’s. Gavin asked if you’ll both be there.”
A baby shower as a coming out party for a polyamorous triad. The PM’s social circle definitely is kinkier than I’d ever suspected. “Sounds like a plan.”
Outside, a familiar sounding engine rumbles to a stop.
Beth gets up and moves into the hallway, wringing her hands.
The front door opens and Lachlan stalks in.
“You’re back,” Beth says.
He gives her an intense look. “Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Lachlan…”
“I’m here. I’m not okay, but I’m here, because I want to be with you. Both of you.”
I hang my fingers off the top of the door frame to keep from grabbing him and throttling him to within an inch of his life. The wild look in his eye tells me that he’s come around, even though he’s still shaken.
He sets his keys on the hall table and falls to his knees in front of Beth. “I’ve loved you from the day we met, with my entire heart, even when it fucking hurts. Even when I thought it was doomed, I’ve never wavered in how much I love you. But that scares me, too, I’m not gonna lie.” His voice cracks, and he looks at me.
I stay where I am, stretching off the door.
He holds my gaze as he continues. “I’ve loved this fierce once before. Never stopped, not for ten long years. And I wasn’t smart enough to get my shit together back then. Might not be fearless enough now, but I trust you’ll push me into the light.”
I drop my arms and squeeze my hands into fists. He’s the most fearless man I’ve ever known. “You’re honest with yourself,” I say hoarsely. “That’s more important than anything. Just because you want to keep things private doesn’t mean you’re living in fear. Take it from one who knows.”
“I don’t want to keep things private,” he says roughly. “I ended up at Max’s house. He’d already guessed, in a way. Although he thought I was just torn between the two of you. But I told him everything. And he didn’t even blink.”
“Oh good,” Beth breathes, and sinks to the floor in front of him. “Because…”
She trails off and looks at me. Okay, apparently we’re doing this on the floor in the front hallway.
I join them, sitting with my back against the wall, and I take Lachlan’s hand. “The prime minister may have stumbled across Beth an
d me making out in the copier room today.”
“What?” He tries to jerk back, and I hold on tight.
“Not making out,” she adds hastily. “A kiss. A sweet, chaste, make-me-feel-better kiss.”
“I said making out to soften the truth,” I tell her.
She rolls her eyes. “That’s not how healthy communication works.”
“Well, I’m a newbie at this. Sue me.”
She kisses me instead, rising on her knees to press her lips first against my mouth, then Lachlan’s. Then she crawls into his lap. My hold-him-down strategy, taken to the next level. “Here’s the thing,” she whispers, giving him her sweetest look. “He kind of guessed, too. Although he jumped right over being torn and just assumed I was happy dating you both. I didn’t tell him everything, though. That’s not the kind of relationship we have.”
He blinks at her, then laughs under his breath. “So Max knows. And Gavin knows. Which means Violet and Ellie know by now.”
I take a deep breath. “I guess we should invite Tate over for dinner then.”
“And Sasha,” Beth says. “But not the same night.”
“God, no,” Lachlan says, brushing his lips against her temple. “Are you okay with this? For real? You’re basically coming out as polyamorous. We can’t be pushy about that.”
“No, it’s okay,” she says. “I’m not ashamed of loving you both. I don’t want Sasha to grill me six ways from Sunday about how we have sex, because that’s personal, but I want to call you my boyfriends.”
“Partners,” Lachlan says swiftly. “I’m too old to be anyone’s boyfriend.”
A slow, happy smile crawls up my face. “Partners.”
Beth makes a happy sigh and bites her lip as she nods. “Yeah,” she whispers. “That’s exactly what we are.”
54
Beth
While 24 Sussex is being transformed by caterers for what has probably turned into the most elaborate baby brunch ever, we’re at the arena watching the guys play an early Sunday morning game of hockey.
I’m wearing a toque that Ellie has knit me for the occasion.
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