“You didn’t answer my question,” he said, staring me down.
I looked away and said, “No. I promised you that I’d wait for the right man,” I said and looked him in the eye.
“So, Tyler’s not the right one?” he asked after sighing in relief.
“No. I don’t love Tyler…like that,” I admitted, knowing it was true.
“Then, why are you with him…and why did you kiss him like that?”
“Tyler’s…safe.”
“Safe?”
“Yeah, he’s not pressuring me.”
“Yet.”
“He’s not like that.”
He shook his head and said, “I told you, we’re all like that! He’s not going to wait too long, especially if you keep kissing him like that!” he threatened.
“I told you, I don’t usually kiss him like that.”
“Abby, you’re not listening to me…”
“I heard you, Kellan. I told you, I don’t kiss him like that…only twice.”
“You’re leading him on…I know you don’t mean to, but…”
“Kellan, stop! I don’t even like kissing…him,” I admitted without thinking.
“What? Then, why?”
“I told you, he’s safe! I care for him…I guess I love him, in a way.”
“Do you think that’s fair to him?”
“I did…I was happy with him…basically…until…”
“Until what?”
“Until you came home.”
“Abby, please don’t start…”
“Okay,” I sighed.
“If you don’t really want to be with him, then let him know.”
“Kellan, butt out! He’s my boyfriend…but I haven’t slept with him. I’m still a virgin! I thought you’d be happy about that.”
“I don’t really want to hear this!”
“I think that’s exactly what you wanted to hear. I listened to you, are you satisfied?”
“I think I should go.”
“Why?” I stood up and said, “What are you afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Everyone’s afraid of something!”
“What are you afraid of, Abby?”
I looked into his eyes and said, “Of never seeing you again.” The tears were starting, but I didn’t care.
“That’s not going to happen. I made you a promise, years ago, and I meant it. I’ll always be there for you.”
“I haven’t seen you in almost two years. I love you, and I hate it when you’re gone,” I cried.
He hugged me. “I’ll be back, I promise.”
“You said this wasn’t your home anymore. Did you mean that? Are you going to stay in Connecticut?”
“I don’t know, Abby. I will, at least until I’ve finished school. After that, I’m not sure.”
“What’s keeping you there? Or, should I ask, who’s keeping you there?” I asked, jealous of the unknown factor keeping him away from me, and I knew it had to be more than school.
“No one,” he said, but turned away from me.
“Who is she?”
“I told you, there’s no one. I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t have the time…or the energy,” he sighed.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that between work and school, I don’t have time to date.”
“Oh. But, you said…”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“What were you going to say?” he pressed.
“You said that all guys…I mean…what about other things?”
“What other things?” he asked, confused.
I looked away and whispered, “Sex.”
“We’re not having this conversation, Abby.”
“Oh, it’s okay for you to ask about my personal life, but I can’t ask about yours? That’s a bit of a double standard, don’t you think?”
“I’m just looking out for your well-being. I’m not trying to be nosy,” he said.
“And I care about your well-being. You don’t seem happy anymore. I hear it in your voice when we talk, and I can see it in your eyes, now.”
“I’m happy. I’m fine. But, I’m worried about you.”
“I’m okay.” I looked up at him and said, “I’m much better now!” I smiled at him.
We talked well into the night, like old times. I was so happy just being with him that I kept finding things to keep him, not wanting him to go. I finally ended up lying next to him on the couch, putting my head on his lap and I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I remember was waking up with a blanket over me and Kellan standing by the window with a cup of coffee in his hand.
“What time is it?” I asked, stretching on the couch.
“Seven-thirty.”
“Thank you for staying with me. You might as well stay here for the week. Save the money for the hotel and maybe you can come back and visit sooner. I have almost all the money you sent me, so you can have it back…and you can come home again…soon.”
“I haven’t even left yet and you’re planning my next trip.”
“I can’t help it.”
“I’ve been thinking about taking the summer off of school. I’ve been going straight through for over two years now. I’m tired, and I need a break. I think I’ll come home for the summer.”
I stood up and ran to him, hugging him tight. “You mean it?” I asked, forcing myself to not jump for joy prematurely.
“Yeah. I think you need me.”
“I’ve always needed you.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this, but I said, “But, don’t come home because you think I need you. Come home because you want to.”
He looked down at me and said, “I do want to…” he closed his eyes and said, “I shouldn’t, but I do.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying, Abby. Why don’t you get dressed and we’ll go to the swap meet, okay?”
“Okay. I need to grab a quick shower. Why don’t you bring in your bags?” I said, making sure he was going to stay with me.
“I already did. I showered an hour ago. My old rooms a gym now?” he grinned.
“Oh, yeah, not that they’re ever here to use it. You can stay in my room. It’ll be just like old times,” I smiled.
“I don’t think I can sleep in the same bed with you…now. I think you’re a bit too old to be sneaking into bed with me after a scary dream.”
“I only have nightmares when you’re gone. But, I don’t snore anymore. At least, I haven’t heard myself snore,” I grinned.
“I’ll sleep on the couch.”
That’s not what I wanted, but it was way better than him going to a hotel. I didn’t want to miss a single second with him.
I jumped in the shower and started singing, thrilled that not only did I have him all to myself for a whole week, but also that he’d be back in two months…for the whole summer! I looked up to thank God for my good fortune and saw a cockroach on the ceiling of the shower. I hate cockroaches! I screamed and ran out of the shower. I grabbed my towel and headed into the hallway in a panic.
“Abby, what’s wrong?” Kellan said, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me half-naked and soaking wet in the hallway, clutching my towel in front of me.
“There’s a cockroach in the shower! Please go…”
“Okay, okay. Just, go get dressed!” he said, refusing to look at me.
“I have to finish my shower. I’m still all soapy! Just kill it, please!” I said in a panic.
He glanced at me and then quickly turned away. He closed his eyes and shook his head, evidently trying to get the image of me standing there half-naked out of his mind. It was at that moment that I learned I had a special power over him. I thought about dropping my towel, but figured that would push him over the top, so I just stood there and waited for him to tell me the coast was clear, and he had disposed of…that thing!
“Okay, you’re
safe now.”
He walked by me without as much as a single glance. I smiled at the new power I seemed to have over him. “Kellan?”
He stopped, but didn’t turn around. “What?”
“Thank you,” I said and hugged him.
“Oh my God, Abby. Go get dressed!”
I just laughed at him and headed back to the shower. I knew he was watching me walk down the hallway, so I made it a point to drop my towel just enough to make my waist and the top of my hips visible. I knew I only had a week, so I realized that I had to make it count.
We had fun at the swap meet and I laughed at Kellan when he bought me two pairs of flannel pajamas.
“Those are going to be hot. I don’t need pajamas, I love wearing your old shirts.”
“You need the pajamas. Wear what you want when I’m not here, but as long as I’m staying with you…you’ll wear these!”
“Yes, sir,” I said with a mock salute.
“So, what do you do when you’re all alone and find a cockroach in the shower? I used to always kill them for you. I assumed you had outgrown that phobia, but I guess not.”
“Oh, I hate those things. They’re…gross! I usually just wait until it’s gone, or sometimes I grab my stuff and shower at Tyler’s.”
“That’s probably not a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“It leaves too many things to chance.”
“Good heavens, do you equate everything with sex?”
“I told you, that’s all guys think about! Remember that!”
I just smiled and shook my head.
We had a great day. In fact, we had a wonderful week together. I had done my best to try to seduce Kellan…although I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing. But through all my efforts, he managed to resist all temptation and suddenly I only had two days left. I was almost out of time…
MY LAST DITCH EFFORT
“So, what do you want to do tonight?” Kellan asked me after we cleaned up the dishes from a late lunch.
I knew what I wanted to do, but he wasn’t going to let that happen, so I thought about it for a minute and said, “We haven’t played chess in a long time.”
“Okay, get the board.”
I grabbed the chess set that Kellan had given me years earlier for Christmas and started to head into the living room. I turned around and looked at my room and had an idea. I set up the chess board on my bed, hoping to lure him to spend the night with me.
I slipped into one of his old t-shirts again and sat down to wait for him.
“Hey, are you coming?” he asked, poking his head into my room.
“I set it up in here where the light’s better.”
“I think we should play in the living room.”
“Kellan, I’ve already set it up. Come on, sit down. We used to always play it in here.”
He sat on the edge of the bed and said, “You go first.”
I moved my first pawn and waited for his move. He quickly moved one of his pawns and then said, “What happened to your new pajamas?”
“I wore both pairs a couple times. They’re in the hamper.”
“Don’t you have anything else to wear?”
“I love these old shirts.’
“Abby, I told you, you can’t wear stuff like that around me now, or anyone else.”
“Kellan, if you still only think of me as your little sister, then what I wear really shouldn’t matter, should it?”
“Abby, don’t push it. Just put something else on.”
“Fine,” I said and jumped off of the bed. I rummaged through my drawers, but I couldn’t find anything Kellan would deem appropriate. I walked over to my closet and pulled it open and found a t-shirt and pair of sweat pants. I pulled on the pants under his shirt.
“What are you doing?” Kellan asked.
“You told me to put something else on,” I said, facing the closet and pulled his shirt off and put mine on.
“Abby, what the hell…?”
I turned around and said, “What?”
“Not here! If I wasn’t comfortable with you wearing that old t-shirt, why the hell would you get dressed in front of me?”
“I faced the closet. You didn’t see anything…that you haven’t seen before, anyway.”
“Yeah, well, you have a lot more to look at now. I hope you don’t do that in front of Tyler,” he accused.
“She doesn’t!” Tyler said, standing in my bedroom doorway.
“Tyler, hi,” I said, suddenly feeling very guilty. I had pretty much put him out of my mind since Kellan was home. I realized I had conveniently forgotten that I had a boyfriend.
“I knocked, but you must have been…busy,” he said, looking very angry.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. Why do you find it so odd that you’re boyfriend stopped by to see you? Or did you forget you had a boyfriend?” he asked accusingly.
“No, of course not. I just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
Kellan stood up and said, “I’ll give you some privacy,” and started to walk out of my room, but stopped and said, “Um, actually, I’ll stay here, you and Tyler should go to the living room…to talk,” he said as more of a demand than suggestion.
Tyler stood up to Kellan for the first time and said, “I’m in here with her all the time. In fact, other than this last week, I’m with her all the time. But, suddenly big brother’s back and she doesn’t even remember to call me.”
“Was I supposed to?” I asked, stepping between them.
“I guess not. My mom was curious though, as to why my girlfriend missed my 18th birthday party.”
“Oh Tyler, I’m so sorry. I…I completely forgot…” I closed my eyes, trying to come up with the right words, but realized there weren’t any. “I don’t know what to say,” I said and reached up to hug him.
He stepped back, refusing to hug me.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Kellan said. He stopped at the door and added, “Tyler, I’m sorry…I didn’t know it was your birthday.”
Tyler refused to acknowledge or even look at him.
Kellan started to walk out and then said, “I’m not the enemy you think I am. Abby and I have been through a lot together. You have to understand…”
“I have to understand what?”
“That I’m a part of her life, whether you like it or not,” Kellan said.
“Well, I don’t like it. You’re only a part of her life when it’s convenient for you. Where the hell have you been for the last two years? You weren’t here…but I was. I’ve always been here for her.”
“Tyler, stop it! Kellan’s always been there for me…since I was ten years old.” I finally said, hearing enough.
“No, he should know! How many times are you going to break her heart?”
“That’s not my intention, it never was. I just wanted to see her…visit my…”
“Your what? She’s not your sister, so what is she to you?”
“Tyler STOP!” I said, angry at him now. And, even though I had forgotten his birthday and felt terrible about it, it was still no excuse for his behavior.
“Look, I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s not do this. I’m leaving in two days…” Kellan offered, doing his best to keep his cool.
“Yeah, I know, and just who do you think is going to have to pick up the pieces…again?”
“Kellan, I need to talk to Tyler for a minute, please,” I said, shaking with rage.
“There’s nothing to say. I love you, but I don’t deserve this,” he said, and started to walk out.
“You don’t deserve what? I haven’t done anything. I’m sorry I forgot your birthday…”
“You think I give a damn about my birthday?” he was pacing my room.
Kellan said, “I’ll be in the living room, if you need me for anything.”
“You think I’m going to hurt her? You’re the only one that’
s hurt her.”
Kellan quietly closed the door behind him, listening to Tyler rant and rave about what a horrible big brother he’d been. He paced the living room, listening for any signs of trouble in Abby’s room, ready to pounce at any given moment.
“Tyler, you need to stop this. You have no right coming over here and insulting Kellan like this. He hasn’t done anything wrong!”
“Then, just what has he done?” he accused.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re alone in your room with him. You changed your clothes in front of him. What the hell am I supposed to think?”
“Tyler, go home. I’ll see you in two days. I’m really sorry that I missed your birthday. I feel terrible. I do. If I could fix it, I would. I’ll make it up to you in a few days, okay?”
“Yeah, that’s right, I’m still playing second string to Kellan. Abby, when’s the game going to be over?”
“There’s no game. You know how I feel about him. I’ve never denied my feelings for him.”
“Gee, that makes me feel so much better.”
I stood directly in front of him and looked him in the eye, “He doesn’t want me Tyler…not like that.”
“Like what?”
“The way…”
“The way what, Abby?” he pressed, getting angrier by the second.
“The way…you want me.”
“Don’t you mean, the way you want him?” he sneered.
“Does it matter?” I asked honestly, knowing it would hurt his feelings, but realizing that lying would be worse.
“It does to me,” he said softly and sat down on my bed.
“Tyler, I really don’t know what you want me to say. We haven’t done anything wrong. He hasn’t touched me…if that’s what’s worrying you.”
“Tell me something, Abby. If he did try to touch you…make love to you, would you stop him?”
“I…Tyler…that’s not an issue,” I mumbled, desperately trying to avoid the answer to that very loaded question.
He slowly stood up and on shaky legs walked over to me and said, “I guess I have my answer again, don’t I?”
I touched his face gently and whispered, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t lie to you, either. I love him, I always have.” The tears were starting two days early. I hadn’t planned on crying until Kellan’s plane took off.
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