I was finally able to start taking my pills, although each morning as I swallowed one of the tablets, I wondered if I was ever going to really ‘need’ them. Because, even though we had spent every waking moment together, he had yet to touch me or even kiss me. I had given him a lot of
time…but my time with him was running out. He was only going to be with me for another
seven weeks and I knew I had to get through to him somehow.
“That was a good movie,” Kellan said on our ride home.
“Yeah, it was good. Kellan, can we go to your apartment for a while, please?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Joe and Nancy are home, and they’re fighting. I don’t want to go home. I’m not going to attack you or anything. We can play chess or talk, whatever you want. Please, I just don’t want to go home. They’ve been fighting a lot lately.”
“About what?” he asked.
“I don’t know, I just shut my door and plug in my ear phones.”
“Why don’t we play miniature golf, or…”
“Why are you so afraid to be alone with me?” I interrupted.
“I’m not. I’m just trying not to tempt fate.”
“Well, if it’s fate, then it’s going to happen.” I rolled my eyes and added, “Whether you want it to or not.”
He glanced over at me and said, “Fine. I guess we can rent a movie or something.”
I nodded, but really didn’t care about watching a movie. We stopped at a Redbox to pick out a movie, and ran into Tyler and a very pretty blond.
“Hi Abby, how are you?” he asked quietly.
I hugged him and said, “I’m good, thanks. How are you?”
“I’m good, I guess. Um, this is Stephanie, Stephanie this is Abby…and that’s Kellan, her…”
“Her, what?” she asked after smiling and nodding at me. She was very pretty, and she seemed very nice. I was happy for him.
“Her…I don’t know, friend, I guess.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, realizing that even though technically Kellan was my boyfriend, physically, we hadn’t progressed past the friend stage of our relationship.
Kellan walked over to us and cautiously reached out his hand toward Tyler. Tyler shook it, although I knew it was hard for him.
“Hi Tyler, how are you?”
“Fine. Um, this is Stephanie.”
We all exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and then Tyler asked to speak to me in private. I looked up at Kellan and said I’d be right back.
We walked a few feet away and Tyler asked, “Are you happy, Abby?”
“Yeah, I am,” I smiled.
“Good, you deserve it.”
“Stephanie seems nice, and she’s really pretty.”
“She’s not you, but she’s…nice.”
“Just nice? She seems to really like you.”
“I guess. Abby, um, I just wanted you to know that…I still love you, and if you ever need me…for anything, I’ll be there, okay?”
“Thank you,” I said for lack of anything better to say.
“So, I know it’s none of my business, but how did it go?”
“How did what go?”
“Nothing, never mind; it’s none of my business. I don’t think I really want to know anyway.”
“No, what were you going to ask?”
“He um, he was good to you…gentle?”
I blushed and looked down at my feet.
“I’ll take that as a yes. I’m glad you have what you want.”
“Well, almost…” I couldn’t help myself. I was so frustrated with Kellan, and I didn’t know what to do about him.
“What does that mean?”
I sighed and said, “He um, he still can’t get over the ‘foster sister’ thing.”
“I thought you were dating?”
“Yeah, we are…but that’s all we’re doing. I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear this.”
He looked at me like he was confused, “What do you mean? What happened to seven weeks?”
“Well, it’s been a lot longer than that now…”
“Maybe he doesn’t think you’re ready.”
“No, that’s not it. He just won’t, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t talk about this, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know how you feel about him. I want you to be happy.”
“Thanks. I am happy, really. I’m just afraid he doesn’t really want me.”
“Yeah, right,” he said sarcastically.
I just shrugged my shoulders.
“So, he really won’t…touch you? What the hell’s wrong with him?” he asked, shaking his head.
“I told you, he still sees me as his little sister.”
“Hmm, well then, I guess you’ll have to change his mind.”
“How can I, when he refuses to even kiss me?”
“Well, then, I guess you’ll just have to kiss him. Trust me, that’ll do it,” he grinned.
I laughed and said, “I miss you, Tyler.”
“Well, you wouldn’t if you weren’t always with him…but I guess I should be used to that by now. I’ll see you later, Abby.”
I reached up and hugged him. “Thank you, Tyler. Be happy, okay?”
“I will be. I’m moving to Washington.”
“You’re going to Pacific University?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’m leaving in a few weeks.”
“I’m happy for you. Is um, your…girlfriend, going with you?”
“I haven’t asked. I told you, she’s not you. But then no one is. I’ll keep in touch, okay?”
“You better.”
We walked back to Kellan and Stephanie. Neither of them looked too happy with us, but Tyler and I needed to talk. We were still friends, and they were both just going to have to get over it.
“It was nice meeting you,” I said to Stephanie. She nodded and they walked away.
“Are you ready?” Kellan asked me, still looking a little angry.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
He didn’t say a word on the ride to his apartment. “Are you okay?” I asked as we walked inside.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. You tell me. You haven’t said a word since we left Tyler and Stephanie.”
He shrugged his shoulders and wandered into the kitchen. I sat down on the couch and looked around. I had only been to his summer rental once, and as I looked around, I realized it didn’t fit him. It was really pretty, much too pretty. I suddenly realized that the apartment belonged to a woman…and as I looked around more closely, I wondered how he could afford to pay for such a nice apartment. And then it hit me…it was Lorena’s.
He walked out of the kitchen with two glasses of soda and a bowl of popcorn. I was shaking and the look on my face made him stop in his tracks.
“Abby, what’s wrong?”
“How can you afford this apartment?”
“It’s a friends’…”
“That doesn’t answer my question, Kellan.” I had tears in my eyes now.
“Abby, it’s not what you think…”
“Is it Lorena’s?” I asked, dreading his answer.
“No, it’s not. I swear it. It belongs to another friend. She owns apartments all over L.A.”
“Another friend? What does that mean?”
“Nothing! It doesn’t mean anything. She’s just a friend, that’s all.”
“How are you paying your rent, Kellan?” I asked, needing to know.
“Abby, I told you, it’s not what you think. She’s not charging me any rent. It’s vacant, and she said I could stay here for the summer. That’s all.”
“Who is she?”
“Her name’s Margot. She’s just a really nice lady with a ton of money.”
I looked him in the eye and said, “Are you sleeping with her?”
“No, Abby, I told you…”
“Have you slept with her?”
He sighed and looked down. He ra
n his fingers through his hair, like he does whenever he gets nervous. He looked back up at me and said, “Yes, I have. But not since before spring break, I swear.”
“Take me home, please.”
“I thought you wanted to watch a movie. And, you said Joe and Nancy are fighting.”
“I don’t want to be here.”
“Abby, I swear, I’m not sleeping with her anymore. I’m not sleeping with anyone!”
“I know! Believe me, I know.” I was hurt and angry and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Abby, you don’t need to be jealous of Margot. You don’t need to be jealous of anyone. If anyone should be jealous, it should be me!”
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“What the hell was that all about with Tyler?”
“What was what all about? We just talked for a few minutes. We’re still friends.”
“And I’m still friends with Margot.”
“I didn’t sleep with Tyler!”
He stopped and looked at me. “Do you want to?” he asked.
“NO! I’ve never wanted Tyler…like that. You know that!”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I guess I just can’t stand it when he’s near you. I get a little crazy.”
“You mean like when you made that promise? You saw me hugging him so you just agreed because it made you crazy? But you didn’t really mean it, did you?”
“Abby…”
“I don’t know what to do, Kellan. I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I’ve given you time, I’ve given you space. I haven’t pushed. But, you know, in no uncertain terms that I love you. Do you know that this is the first time we’ve been alone together all summer?”
“I know. I guess I don’t trust myself to be alone with you.”
“Why? You obviously have no problem controlling yourself,” I looked around the apartment and added, “…at least where I’m concerned.”
He sighed again, “Abby, I swear, Margot is just a really nice lady. She has tons of money and I’ve done some legal work for her as a student lawyer for some of her charities.”
“And, you slept with her.”
“Okay, yes. I slept with her…a few times. But, I swear I haven’t slept with her since the last time I was here. I haven’t slept with anyone! I told her about you…us. I told her how I felt about you. I swear to you, we’re just friends now, okay?”
“What did you tell her?”
“I just told you, I told her about us, and that I couldn’t sleep with her…”
“I get that part, what did you tell her about me, or how you feel about me?”
“I told her the truth.”
“What’s the truth, Kellan? Because I don’t know what the truth is. I have no idea how you feel about me. You say we’re dating, but you won’t touch me. You spend every waking minute with me and you tell me how much you want to be with me…but that you need more time. I’ve been patient because I know you still picture the little girl I used to be. You told me that you wouldn’t kiss me until I got on birth control. I’ve been on birth control for weeks now. Why the hell am I taking it if you’re not going to even…?”
He put his fingers to my lips and said, “You’re right! You’re absolutely right. I’m an idiot.” He took a deep breath and said, “And, for the record…I love you, I’m madly in love with you.” He kissed me…finally, and as wonderful as I knew it would be, I was in no way prepared for the intense feelings he would provoke in me. I clung to him, refusing to let go, completely lost in his kiss. I was totally unaware that he had picked me up and carried me to the couch. I don’t know exactly how long that first kiss lasted, or what it was that had finally provoked it, but I know I’ll never forget it.
When he finally pulled back, and I had regained my composure…for the most part, I said, “I think you were right…about the birth control.” I pulled him back to me and kissed him hard. It was heaven and as he once again pulled away from me I was wishing he had carried me to his bed instead of the couch.
He was breathing as hard as I was, but he sat up and said, “I don’t know what I was waiting for all this time.”
“Well, don’t stop now…we have a lot of catching up to do,” I grinned and pulled him back to me.
He pulled back, obviously better able to control the rush of hormones coursing through him at that particular moment than I was. “I think we should watch the movie now. We’ve moved forward, taken the next step. There’s no need to rush.”
I sat up and sighed, “Speak for yourself, I’ve never paid the rent before,” I grinned.
He turned toward me and said, “I pray to God you’ll never have to.”
“Kellan, I was just kidding. I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m sorry.”
He leaned down and gently brushed my lips with his and said, “I love you, Abby. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before. This is still really hard for me, sometimes. As much as I want you, I know I don’t deserve you.”’
“Why do you keep saying that? It’s not true. You’re wonderful, and kind and smart and the most decent person I’ve ever known. Why are you fighting this? What is it that’s bothering you, really?” I asked, knowing there was more to his resistance of me than just our being raised together.
He stood up and paced the living room. “I told you, I don’t deserve you. You should be with someone so much better than me.”
“There is no one better than you! Stop saying that. You’re perfect.”
“If I was perfect, then I would have forced you to stay with Tyler. He’s a great guy, and he loves you. He still loves you. That’s easy to see. His girlfriend certainly didn’t fail to notice it either, when you two were off talking.”
“How many times do I have to say that it’s you?! It’s always been you, and it always will be. Stop over-thinking everything and come here and kiss me again. Please?” I smiled.
“If I kiss you again, I’m going to end up carrying you to bed…”
“Then by all means, kiss me again!” I said, standing up and walking toward him.
“No, not tonight.”
“Why not? Kellan, you’re leaving in seven weeks.”
“I know, we still have a lot of time.”
“No, seven weeks isn’t enough time. A lifetime isn’t enough time with you.”
“We’re waiting.”
“For what? What are you so afraid of?”
He turned away from me.
I reached out and grabbed his arm, turning him back to face me. “What? What is it?”
“I’ve never…”
“You’ve never what?” I asked, confused.
“I’ve never…I don’t want to hurt you, Abby. It’s your first…time. It should be special. And, as much as I love you, it really shouldn’t be…with me.”
“It has to be you. There is no one else for me. Why are you so against this?”
“Because…Oh, God, Abby, I just shouldn’t be your first.”
I walked over to him and touched his cheek, “Kellan, you were there for my first stitches,” I smiled and added, “and I was there for yours. You bought me my first bra. You were there for my first period. You missed my first kiss, even though, in my mind, you were there. You were always there for all of those important firsts…please, don’t stop now.”
He leaned down and kissed me softly. “You’re right, okay.”
“Please don’t just say that because you promised me. Say it because you want to.”
“You have no idea how much I want to.”
“I’m right here, Kellan. What are you waiting for?”
“Not tonight, Abby.”
“Kellan…”
“Not tonight. Soon, I promise.”
“Yeah, well you promised me seven weeks, and it’s been a lot longer than that.”
“Abby, please. Besides, I promised you this summer, I never said we’d sleep together the second I came back.”
“You know that’s what I meant, and you know that’s what I want. If it�
��s what you want too, then why are we waiting?”
“I can’t…tonight. I just need…I’ve never…” he swallowed hard but couldn’t finish his sentence.
“You’ve never what?”
“I’ve never been with…someone who wasn’t experienced. I’ve never been with a virgin,” he admitted and then turned away from me.
“What about Brianna?” I asked.
“Um, she was definitely not a virgin. She taught me…a lot,” he admitted.
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“Sorry. It doesn’t matter, Abby. I love you. I don’t care about her…or any of the others. You’re the only one that matters to me. Please, I just need time to work up to it, okay? It has to be perfect for you.”
I shook my head and said, “Okay, but for the record, as long as I’m with you, it can be nothing less than perfect. Now, kiss me again and take me home. I promised I wasn’t going to attack you, but if I stay too much longer, I may not be able to keep that promise.”
MY BIRTHDAY
I was seventeen, finally. Only one year left with the Filbert’s. I was singing to myself in the shower, thrilled that not only did I have only one year left of my prison sentence; but that I had Kellan…he was mine! I was re-living the previous nights’ goodnight kiss in my mind, knowing that I couldn’t love Kellan more. I had stopped pushing him for more as long as he continued to kiss me…a lot. I still wanted more, but I knew he was still uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping with me, but, I knew eventually I’d win.
We had spent the day at the beach and he added another snow globe to my collection. It was a wonderful day. He dropped me off to shower and change and he was taking me to a really nice restaurant for my birthday dinner. I would have preferred pizza at his apartment…in bed, but I was trying to give him the time he seemed to need, so I readily agreed to a night on the town, instead.
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