by Tim Collins
‘She bathes in milk?’ exclaimed Linos. ‘Doesn’t that make you smell worse? Surely it goes all thick in the heat.’
I wanted to find out more about Cleopatra, but Linos had so many questions about milk baths I didn’t get the chance. I’ll do it tomorrow.
September XXV
I woke up in the middle of the night to see a giant black scorpion crouching over Suti. Its tail was poised above his heart, the sharp stinger glinting in the moonlight.
I closed my eyes. There’s no such thing as giant scorpions. I was clearly imagining it.
Then Suti let out a loud, gurgling cry.
I leapt to my feet. It wasn’t a scorpion at all. It was a man dressed in long black robes, thrusting a knife into Suti’s heart!
Suti writhed around in the sand, coughing blood that looked black in the moonlight.
Linos leapt to his feet and stood in front of me. I was glad his first instinct was to protect me, although OBVIOUSLY I’m too much of a hero to need it.
I turned and ran across the dune towards the camels. Linos followed, but suddenly stopped in his tracks.
‘Come on!’ I yelled. ‘We need to get away!’
‘I’ll catch you up,’ shouted Linos. He rushed back in the direction of the assassin. I couldn’t BELIEVE Linos had gone back to fight him. It was very brave of him, and for a moment I wondered if I should go back too, seeing as how I’m also very brave ... But I decided against it.
There was a clattering on the sand behind me. ARGHH! The assassin was coming.
I ran up to one of the camels, grabbed its front hump and pulled myself up. It roared angrily, but I had no sympathy. It should have co-operated when it had the chance.
The camel lurched off into the sloping desert dunes. The other camel, which was tethered to it by a rope, followed behind.
I glanced over my shoulder. I could see the assassin’s camel gaining on us. ‘Faster!’ I shouted to the camels. They ignored me.
A few minutes later, the assassin had almost caught up. I peered at him in the dim light. He looked very unusual for an assassin. For one thing, he was very small. And for another thing, he was smiling and waving.
I pulled the camels to a stop. It wasn’t the assassin at all. It was Linos!
We tried to find our way back to the stony track, but the wind kept shifting the dunes and blowing the camels’ prints away. Sand blasted into our ears, eyes and nostrils. It was HORRIFIC. The harsh wind of the Egyptian desert is even worse than the harsh wind of the Egyptian pharaoh.
All we could do was shelter our faces and hope the camels would lead us back to the path. Needless to say, the idiotic creatures failed and we’re now completely lost.
September XXVI
This morning we drank the last of our water and set off again. We had no food, no drink, and NO idea where we were.
I could feel my mouth drying and my lips cracking as the sun rose. The camels kept turning around and roaring at me, as if this whole disaster was my fault. I told them to spend less time blaming me and more time finding the way back. I’m not sure why I expected them to understand. Maybe the sun was getting to me.
In the afternoon, we climbed a large ridge and I looked down at the land below, desperately searching for a sign of civilization.
At first I could see nothing but an endless expanse of sand. But hold on ... there was something at the bottom of the dune. I shielded my eyes and squinted. Unbelievable! There, below us, was a large Roman bathhouse. Best of all, in front of it, there was a huge, cold, clear swimming pool.
‘Quick!’ I shouted to Linos. ‘Follow me.’
I jumped off my camel, ran down the dune and plunged into the cool water.
Or at least that’s what I THOUGHT I was doing. I actually dived headfirst into hot sand.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Linos.
I stood up, spitting the sand out of my mouth. ‘Sorry. I think it was a mirage.’
There was a loud roar above us. The camels were pelting away into the distance. Brilliant. NOW they remembered how to run.
I fell to my knees and was about to pray to the gods for help, but then I worried that those weird local gods might answer.
September XXVII
The sun has gone down now and it’s freezing cold again.
I haven’t had any water since yesterday morning, and my pen feels as heavy as the oars on Caesar’s ship. I’m going to have to stop writing soon. I’m probably going to die soon ... before becoming a Roman hero.
If you’re a traveller and you’ve just discovered these scrolls next to the skeletons of two boys, please send the following message to my Mum in Rome:
September XXVIII
We huddled in the shade of a rock as the sun came up.
Linos snapped his hand against the rock, squashing a large yellow insect. He pulled it in half and handed me the legs, and said, ‘You have the legs. They’re the best part.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘We have to eat,’ he said. ‘It will give us the strength to keep going.’
I looked at the crushed legs and torn wings. UTTERLY DISGUSTING! But Linos was right. It was food, and we had to eat.
Linos lifted the top half to his lips. But then he stopped and pointed at the horizon. It seemed as though a chariot was speeding towards us. He leapt to his feet and started waving.
‘Ignore it,’ I said. ‘It’s another mirage.’
I stared down at the yellow insect legs. There was no use putting it off. I popped them in my mouth and crunched them. They dug into my dry gums and a bitter, waxy taste filled my mouth. I gulped, trying desperately to swallow them, managing on my third attempt.
When I looked up, I saw the chariot was still coming towards us ... it might actually be real, I thought.
A man leapt down from the chariot and approached us. He opened a water flask and held it out to me.
‘What are you doing out here?’ he asked.
‘We were trying to find a woman called Cleopatra,’ I said. ‘But we got really lost.’
The man grabbed me by the shoulders. ‘Cleopatra? What do you want with her?’
I wondered if he might be another assassin, but I was too tired to lie.
‘We want to take her back to Alexandria, so we can kick her brother Ptolemy off the throne. He farted in my face, you see.’
The man smiled and patted me on the shoulder.
Unfortunately I was so weak from lack of water that even the tiny pat made me keel over sideways.
‘I’m on my way to her camp right now, delivering supplies,’ he said. ‘Climb on.’
We clambered on to the back of the chariot and it set off along the track.
The supplies turned out to be those disgusting squishy brown fruits, but I was so hungry they tasted as delicious as dormice.
I was exhausted. After all that time in the desert all I wanted to do was curl up on the floor of the chariot and sleep. But I HAD to stay awake and work on my speech to convince Cleopatra to come back to Alexandria.
I shall do it to restore the true ruler of Egypt to the throne. I shall do it for the glory of Rome. And I shall do it to make sure that little ptwerp Ptolemy gets fed to the crocodiles.
September XXIX
The chariot driver who had found us in the desert showed us into Cleopatra’s tent when we arrived there late last night.
It was very dark, but I could just make out a woman lurking behind two guards.
‘We’ve come from the palace in Alexandria,’ I said, ‘brought by your friend Suti. The bad news is Suti was murdered on the way by one of your brother Ptolemy’s assassins.’
‘The cowardly little snake!’ said the woman.
Her voice didn’t sound much like gentle music to me. It sounded kind of croaky.
‘The good news is I have prepared a speech in your honour,’ I said, unrolling my scroll.
‘Very well,’ she said.
So this was Cleopatra. She leant forward into the flic
kering light of a torch. She had small eyes, short frizzy hair and a long, pointy nose.
Cleopatra, the most beautiful woman in Egypt ... apparently.
I wanted to focus on my scroll, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Was this really the most beautiful woman in Egypt? She wouldn’t even make the top THOUSAND in Rome.
‘Let’s hear it!’ she said.
‘Sorry,’ I muttered. ‘I’m finding your looks very distracting.’
‘That’s understandable,’ she said. ‘I’m very beautiful.’
Right ... So I cleared my throat and began. ‘I’ve come here today to tell you about the most awesome man in the whole world. I’m sure if he were to meet you, he would fall in love in an instant. He single-handedly defeats entire armies and wrestles bears and alligators in his spare time. I am, of course, talking about the one, the only, Julius Caesar.’
Okay, so I was exaggerating. But what did you expect me to say? ‘He has a bad temper and a silly hairstyle?’
Cleopatra listened and nodded. ‘You make a very convincing case,’ she said. ‘I’m happy to meet your great leader and allow him to fall in love with me. But how will I get into the palace? If my brother’s men see me, they’ll kill me on the spot.’
‘Leave that with me,’ I said.
A guard took us to a tent, where we slept until the heat of the sun woke us. Then we spent all day thinking up ways to sneak Cleopatra into the palace.
Idea Number I (my idea)
Disguise Cleopatra as a hideous old slave woman. She totters into Caesar’s room, removes her disguise and Caesar falls in love.
Idea Number II (my idea)
We wrap Cleopatra in bandages and claim she’s a mummy who’s come back from the grave to seek revenge. Ptolemy’s men flee in terror and we stroll in.
Idea Number III (Linos’s idea)
We roll Cleopatra up in a carpet and sneak her inside the palace. We unfurl it in front of Caesar and she tumbles out.
October I
This morning we went back to Cleopatra’s tent and told her our ideas. She chose the carpet one, which was surprising, because my mummy idea was WAY better.
Cleopatra and I jumped into her chariot, a guard took the reins and we sped off down the track to Alexandria. Linos followed in a second chariot.
Cleopatra spent the whole journey quizzing me about Caesar. I explained that to impress him all she had to do was say that Rome was the greatest city in the world, that he was the best leader ever, and that his hair was amazing.
Cleopatra mentioned a really odd thing while we were chatting. Apparently, Ptolemy is not just her younger brother, he’s also HER HUSBAND! That’s not to say that they’re in love or anything like that. They had to get married so they could rule the country. Apparently it’s a family tradition. One word – WEIRD.
We’re currently camping in a field outside Alexandria. The guards bought a carpet from a local farmer. It’s a bit threadbare, but it’ll look okay when we roll it up.
October II
We were supposed to leave for the palace first thing this morning, but Cleopatra spent ages getting ready. She wanted to look her best for Caesar. She caked thick make-up around her eyes, draped pearls around her neck and put a long, black wig on.
When she was finally done, we wrapped her up in the carpet and headed to the palace. Two of the guards carried the rug up the steps to the South Gate and tried to stroll past a man with a spear and shield. I tried to look casual, but he stopped us.
‘What’s this?’ he demanded.
‘A carpet,’ I said. ‘A gift for Caesar.’
‘There are hundreds of carpets in the palace,’ he said. ‘What’s so special about this flea-bitten one?’
‘It contains the spirits of Caesar’s ancestors,’ I said. When he looked confused, I added, ‘Don’t worry, it’s a Roman thing.’
‘You lot are weird,’ said the guard, and began to wave us through. At that moment, Cleopatra sneezed and a cloud of dust billowed out of the end of the carpet.
‘What was that?’ asked the guard.
‘The spirits,’ I said. ‘They’re angry with you for delaying them. You’d better hope they don’t curse you.’
The guard gulped and stepped aside. ‘Go on then.’
Inside, Caesar was reading a scroll on his couch. When he saw us, he yawned and said, ‘Oh it’s you. I assumed you’d thrown yourself into a pit of poisonous snakes to save your honour.’
‘Afraid not,’ I said. ‘But I’ve brought a gift to make it up to you.’
Caesar glanced at the carpet. ‘I’ve had better presents,’ he muttered. Then the guards unrolled the carpet and out fell Cleopatra, sprawling on her front.
She smoothed out her wig, propped her chin on her hands, fluttered her eyelids and said, ‘So you’re the great Caesar?’
‘Who are you?’ demanded Caesar. ‘And what were you doing in that carpet?’
Cleopatra sprang to her feet. I held my breath, desperately hoping she wouldn’t throw up. She fixed her eyes on Caesar and draped her hand on his shoulder.
‘Hi, I’m Cleo,’ she said, her voice sounding much softer. ‘Queen of the Nile, Daughter of Isis and a huge fan of yours.’
Cleopatra seemed very different now. Maybe it was her wig and make-up, but she was kind of striking. Hard to ignore, in fact.
‘You’re every bit as noble as I expected,’ said Cleopatra. ‘Such a proud chin, such piercing eyes, such a jutting brow. And that hair ... so thick ... so strong ... so Roman.’
Caesar adjusted his laurel wreath, smiled briefly and then frowned again. I’d never seen him so flustered before. Last year I saw him battle two assassins at once, and he looked more relaxed.
‘Thank you for my carpet, Dorkius,’ said Caesar. ‘You can go.’
October III
This morning I went to Caesar’s room to check how things were going.
As I approached the door, I heard slurping sounds. I wondered if Caesar and Cleopatra were eating fruit, but when I went in I saw that they were ... EEEWWW ... kissing!
Caesar was sitting on his couch, with Cleopatra at his side. She was pressing his nose with her index finger.
‘Seezy Weezy says good morning,’ said Cleopatra to me.
‘Cleo Weo says good morning, too,’ said Caesar.
I felt my cheeks flushing.
‘Aw, look at Dorkius,’ said Cleopatra. ‘He’s embarrassed. How cute!’
There was nothing cute about my blushing attacks, and they both should have apologized for setting one off with their horrible smooching.
‘So, have you decided to join forces against Ptolemy?’ I asked, looking down at the floor.
Cleopatra and Caesar both started to speak at once, then burst into giggles.
‘You go first,’ said Caesar.
‘No, you go first,’ said Cleopatra.
‘Both at once,’ said Caesar.
‘Yes we have,’ they said together.
‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘I’ll go and tell him.’
I dashed towards the throne room. Watching kissing is gross, but the thought of telling Ptolemy that his sister was back to force him off the throne would make it all worthwhile.
The palace seemed very empty. There were no servants lugging around bowls of food or pots of laundry, and the men with black wigs and red robes seemed to have gone, too.
No one was in the throne room, but the incense pots were still burning. That little piglet pharaoh had fled, and I’d JUST missed him. He’d taken the time to add a new painting to the wall, though. GULP.
October IV
I hardly slept at all last night. I kept imagining Ptolemy storming in and killing me. Caesar didn’t seem at all nervous when I went to see him.
‘Ptolemy and his advisors have fled,’ I said. ‘Someone obviously tipped him off.’
‘Good riddance,’ snorted Caesar.
‘I think he’s planning something,’ I said. ‘He drew a threatening picture of me. Do you think he’
ll be able to raise an army?’
‘It sounds like something that little crocodile plop would do,’ said Cleopatra, as she ran her hands through Caesar’s hair. ‘Seezy Weezy, would you send for an army to come and fight my horrid little brother?’
‘Alright, my little lotus flower,’ said Caesar. He turned to me. ‘Get General Mightius to send a messenger to the province of Judea. Tell him to find an official called Antipater and ask him to send three thousand soldiers.’
‘Clever Seezy Weezy,’ said Cleopatra. ‘You’re soooooo powerful.’
She lunged forward for another smooch, and I felt my cheeks burning AGAIN.
On my way out, I grabbed some white powder from Cleopatra’s make-up table and smeared it on my cheeks. As far as I could tell, it did a good job of covering the red blotches.
I found Mightius sitting on the floor of one of the banqueting halls, playing dice with a couple of his centurions.
‘Caesar wants you to secure the palace and send for reinforcements,’ I said. ‘We think Ptolemy is raising an army.’
Mightius stood up. He was so tall that my head was only level with his breast armour.
‘Nice gag, Dorkius,’ he said. ‘Now jog on before I stop finding you funny.’
‘I’m serious,’ I said. ‘Caesar sent me.’
Mightius turned purple. Veins as thick as worms throbbed on his forehead.
‘As if Caesar would send a little squirt like you to give me orders,’ he roared.
He grabbed my neck and lifted me from the floor. ‘Our great leader would never ...’ He stopped and peered at me. ‘Are you wearing make-up, Dorkius?’